fic: Cause I Been Thinkin' Bout Forever -2/2-
Title: Cause I Been Thinkin’ Bout Forever
Author: dria1029
Pairings:J ay Park/Jonghyun
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst
Warnings: Flashbacks of sexual encounters, language, hate crime, mentions of homophobia, marijuana use, drinking, “domestic violence”, present sexual situation
Rating: NC-17
Summary:Jay’s unconventional relationship with another male-a one Kim Jonghyun-goes further than expected. Turned out is an understatement
Word Count: 11,962 (In two parts)
a/n: ;_;
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
Cause I’ve been thinkin bout forever. (Oooh, oooh)
Jay’s head was pounding. Memories flashed through his mind, quick clips of his short time with Kim Jonghyun: imperfect perfection, fairytale extraordinaire. One hell of a dream for Jay. He was a dream within a dream; once Jay thought about him once, there was no stopping his thoughts.
The memory came where they were in public. Someone tripped when they were stepping off the curb to cross the street. Jonghyun and Jay were right there, with Jonghyun behind Jay…and letting his head fall into Jay’s back with silent, heaving laughter. Jay, in turn, would blush beet red and smile in embarrassment at the surrounding pedestrians on behalf of his partner’s rudeness. Couldn’t help but snicker a little bit himself; not because the person tripped, but upon turning and seeing Jonghyun’s purpled, tear stained face. Still snorting with laughter.
“Shit..” Jonghyun’s deep laughter had spiraled into a cough. With a fist to his mouth, he hacked away until the replay of the trip crossed his mind again, and the laughter picked up where it left off with much more gusto.
Jay watched him with folding arms, rolling his eyes. “You’re gonna get us shot one of these days you fucking baser.”
Jonghyun slapped his knee and laughed harder.
“Dumbass.”
Jay Park was heading in his direction. Screams rocked the arena, the spotlight followed the star overhead. The guy watched Jay in attentive bewilderment, not quite registering whether or not he could be so lucky. About as many emotions ran across his features as Jay’s.
Is it you?…is it really you? It’s not you…fuck, I still can’t see your face clearly…
Lying under the stars talking about the most irrelevant bullshit. Jonghyun’s hair blowing into his smile. Yelled bets and standing shouts in front of the PS3. Stealing a kiss when they were in the restroom at the theaters, while Jonghyun washed his hands. Burnt lasagna. Trailing a finger down Jonghyun’s back as he slept into late noon. Playing doggie with Jay’s little sister. Belching contests. Acting the fool on the subway. Gifts from the dollar store. Jonghyun singing with him in a booth. Casual shoulder slams into a wall. Jonghyun reminding him that he loved him in more of his actions than his words…but words were nice too.
Damn did his head hurt.
His vision swam as he kept locked eyes with the object of his destination.
*
There was talk of moving in together the day before. It was still early in summer, and Jay had returned to the other side of Seattle to picked up his mail from home that night.
His worst fears were realized once he found himself cornered in the back of a convenience store. He was backed to a trash can, the top of it cutting into his lower back. Surrounded on all sides by thugs of every ethnicity and size; some he even knew.
Turned out, his “respect” to his ex was well underappreciated. The vindictive bitch had one of her brother’s friends “stalk” Jonghyun and Jay after the break-up. Pictures and all. The photos were thrown in his face, the hot breath of his ex’s brother in his face, calling him all the names he’d once disrespected Jonghyun with in the past.
She had sobbed to her brother about the injustice once she found out Jonghyun and Jay were very much in a relationship. And without question, her brother went to bring her Jay’s head on a silver platter.
He was shoved, whimpering, into the wall. Shoved and jacked up, yelled at for playing fucking games with his sister and romping off to be a fairy. Jay denied it all at first, insisted it was all a misconception. Then he thought better of it. Said fuck it. Claimed that he was sorry for hurting her. Begged that they let him go; he’d go make it right, beg for her forgiveness.
They weren’t so understanding. In fact, as far as they were concerned, Jay had been asking for it ever since he was caught beating his ex , back when he didn’t smoke weed to calm his nerves and didn’t know how to love.
They jumped him there. Crushed him under their despising malice, carried out their hate crime until Jay lay in a bloodied heap by the trash can. The only reason they didn’t get to shoot him in the head was because the police were cruising by, called because the store keeper had peeked through the back door window earlier, saw Jay being harassed, and reported suspicious activity-the man too scared to help by himself, obviously.
They fled and left him there for the cops. Jay was unconscious by the time he was on the stretcher inside the ambulance. Sirens and faces of strangers and Jonghyun’s name on his busted lips…
*
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
Cause I’ve been thinkin bout forever. (Oooh, oooh)
The first tear spilled.
Well, he’d held out for this long.
Jay was closer. The man’s face became more visible…and to Jay’s mortification, it was only like Jonghyun’s from afar. With each step nearer, he looked less and less like Jonghyun, and Jay wanted to blame it on eight years of leave. Eight years since he’d last seen the younger, and you know…eight years could change a person in the most drastic of ways. Jonghyun would be 29 now, he thought.
But blaming it on age and time and change…he found he couldn’t do it.
This wasn’t his Jonghyun.
*
The heft of homosexuality was heavy upon them both. In Korea, Jonghyun was strictly taught that it was taboo, absolutely out of the question-this was back when they were less open minded about it. For Jay, an American, society’s views on homosexuality were less rigid…but in a personal way, the way his peers would come down hard on him would be much more devastating than if, say, Jonghyun was reprimanded in South Korea. Well, as far as he knew. Jay was always considered “manly”. Jay was always the player, the ladies’ man. He always upheld the social construct of being an average, red blooded male. He took pride in his masculinity both in appearance and demeanor. It was what the rest were used to. For him to come out the closet would ensure that he’d be unforgivably teased and taunted. He’d lose respect. He’d be alienated. They’d spit on him.
And he’d end up a victim of a hate crime…
The thoughts were ladled into his subconscious long ago, waiting to spring forth as words of unveiled reality to Jonghyun. But he didn’t explode in the beginning. He was still too hurt and weak, physically and emotionally. At the time, he still needed Jonghyun, and depended on him. Jay could even say he still loved him. He was just in a bad head space. The one thing he didn’t want to happen-that deep down, he knew would happen-had happened anyway. All because he had an infatuation with a short, spiky haired, soft lipped moron.
He unwisely bottled it all in as Jonghyun visited him daily in hospital. Thankfully he emerged with only a few broken ribs and minor cuts and bruises. It could have been much worse, especially if the police hadn’t shown up on time. While the younger showered him with words of comfort and encouragement, the anger evident in his eyes every time he eyed the bandages wrapped around Jay’s torso, he promised Jay he’d see to it that the guys who did this shit to him would get their fucking skulls split-all Jay needed to do was say the word and give him a few names. And Jay knew he meant what he said. Jonghyun himself was a Chihuahua, but as soon as he went to Taecyeon and the rest of his boys, there would be blood in the streets.
Jay had declined with a faint smile. As pissed as he was, he couldn’t do that to Jonghyun or Taecyeon or anyone else he was peoples with. There was already enough disturbance going on in Seattle.
But after he tolerated the few weeks of physical therapy with his “better half”, Jay realized he didn’t have anything left. His dignity had been stripped away more than once in this “fling” with Jonghyun. Now, his heart was so emptily, and every time he had to see Jonghyun’s smiling face, striding in with a Styrofoam takeout container and a can of soda for him…he felt nothing. The weak feeling in his chest was no longer there. The beating had taken too much toll on his weary heart.
He felt like he was nothing.
And Jonghyun deserved better.
So the day came where, once Jay was halfway to full recovery, he cut Jonghyun off. Ignored texts and calls until he had his number changed. Jonghyun then tried showing up at his flat, or at his school, so Jay swallowed down his guilt and placed a restraining order on him before moving out temporarily into his parent’s house. He went back to avoiding him at all costs. Even avoided seeing him altogether by deleting their pictures from his phone and turning down the framed photos on his nightstand.
Crying like a bitch almost every night.
The first time he ever cried over something as…cheap as experimental love.
The first time he ever cried over Jonghyun.
The first time he ever cried over someone he’d fallen in love with.
God, so many first times…
Jay’s mother and father found out about their little bromance the day Jonghyun popped over anyway, demanding in violently balled fists why Jay was resorting to this shit all over again. Jonghyun thought they’d gotten past that. Why was it so hard to him to stay committed when Jonghyun was always there for him? Why didn’t he understand that Jonghyun would never forsake him? Why did he always run away from him?-and what was so daunting about this time around that made him reject Jonghyun with so much finality? What, the jumping? Was it because of that?-if that’s the case, they could move! Get away from Seattle and start a life elsewhere!
Why couldn’t Jay just love him unconditionally like he loved Jay?
Jay’s mother gasped. His father’s face was a deep burgundy color, frowning deeply. Jonghyun was a total, unkempt mess as he stood there breathing haggardly with his mouth hanging open and eyes livid and wild. Shit had to hit the fan. He was over the bullshit. Jay wouldn’t give him up so easily. He’d go out with a bang if he had to…
Well, if people wanted to get things off their chest…Jay might as well get it over with. Everyone was stunned when Jay exploded at Jonghyun, rattling off why Jonghyun had made his life miserable ever since he met him. He blamed him for everything; for turning him out, for abandoning his friends, for betraying his girlfriend, for getting the living shit beat out of him. Everything. Everything that came from his mouth was negative. Lies and contradictions, contradictions and lies. They were in the form of the juicy tears pouring down Jay’s face.
When his tantrum was over, Jonghyun was still standing silently. He’d heard it all in enraged understanding.
And his voice was thick when he said lowly, “All I want to know is one thing: answer me this one thing and I’ll decide on whether or not I will leave this here where I stand.”
Jay fixed his face in prideful distain. “What.”
“Do you still love me...Did you ever love me?”
The questions-really, one in the same-were almost weighty enough to make Jay slump to the dining room chair. Suddenly he was dizzy, suddenly wanting his pain meds and, irrelevantly, a few more hours of sleep.
“Be careful how you answer,” Jonghyun rasped, stare a piercing omen. “Think carefully about it before you answer…”
Then, all eyes were on him as he made the biggest mistake of his life.
He squared his jaw, met Jonghyun straight in the eye and growled that one loaded word.
“No.”
It was a wrap after that. Jonghyun washed his hands clean of him. He glanced off into space with a pained look; one where his eyes welled with warmth and his pink lips pinned like they’d disappear altogether, like he wanted to punch holes in the wall till his hand was a bloody mass. There was a choked, “Okay” to Jay, deep bows and apologies to his parents, and he was gone. Out the door without a backwards glance. Just like that.
It was one day where Jay wished it would rain. A part of him had just been disintegrated and swept away with the wind…and the day had the nerve to be sunny and clear.
But Jay only had himself to blame when it came to his misfortune with fate.
More often than not, it was his fault.
It was always his fault.
**
Jay accepted the penalties of his selfishness surprisingly well. His father harbored contempt for his only son’s intimate involvement with another male, and refused to talk to him-about the situation or otherwise. It became uncomfortable between him and Jay. So much so, Jay moved back into his flat as soon as his doctor determined that his ribs were fully healed.
He turned into an outcast among some of his social circles, seeing as news spread fast about his homosexual rendezvous-and the violent consequences thereafter. Sure, some had pity. But Jay’s social realm was much like one big high school; he’d receive all the sympathetic looks in the world, but no one would dare to approach him because they were thinking about tarnishing their own societal standing. Those few months of living like a recluse opened Jay’s eyes to who was really down for him, and who wasn’t. He lost many, gained few to none.
Yet there was one thing he couldn’t accept. One thing he couldn’t tolerate.
That no matter what he did or didn’t do, he couldn’t get the one with the knee-weakening smile out of his head.
He always thought about Jonghyun.
A minute didn’t go by where he didn’t.
And being away from him for such a long amount of time…oh it killed Jay. Extremely less bearable than the times before where they were separated. Much like life after the first time Jay left Jonghyun behind: thinking about him obsessively.
Jay succumbed to the point of wondering of Jonghyun’s whereabouts. Whether the other was eating and taking care of himself. What he was doing, who he was with. Even wondering if, while he was in the middle of shopping or tending to his music or carrying out any other mundane task, Jonghyun was doing the same thing at the same time.
No, judging from all the time’s he’d stood Jonghyun up in an “I promise to be trustworthy” sense--Jay would never truly realize what he had until it was gone. He’d never learn because…he kept doing the same stupid thing over and over again.
Yet even with that in mind, Jay was helpless in his uncloaked attachment. Without even realizing it, he’d go out of his way (while out to do something completely different) to visit the courts or other favorite spots he and the younger used to hang…in the slim, anxious hope of seeing Jonghyun again. He wrestled with the festering urges to call the boy, or ask around about him.
He never saw him. His calls went unanswered, were forwarded, or the phone was off. He asked around, but no one has anything useful to go off on. Taecyeon gave him a funny look, as if it was incredulous that Jay would seek Jonghyun after all of the drama; yet, nonetheless, relayed that Jonghyun had talked to him about moving again.
So it with a drum in a chest that he caved in. He couldn’t take it anymore. He jumped on the nearest subway to Jonghyun’s apartment.
But when he got there…the place was totally emptied out. The landlord told Jay that Jonghyun had cut his time as a foreign exchange student short and moved back with his family in Seoul. “Bless him,” the older Hispanic lady had sighed, touching Jay’s high shoulder. “The poor thing looked so bad. Perhaps its better this way. Maybe he won’t be so miserable when he’s in Korea again.”
That was the moment that Jay realized that this time, he’d fucked up royally. Don goofed. He’d turned Jonghyun into a one hit wonder in his life, and he’d pushed him away for the very last time. He was a fool to push him away…
But it was too late. Jay couldn’t rescue Jonghyun, and Jonghyun couldn’t rescue Jay. Not anymore.
He gazed lifelessly into the apartment and the mattress and lamp materialized. Their first night together was the only faded memory he allowed to overcome him until he turned away and left. He’d live, he’d learn, and he’d move on. All lingering affections and broken hearts aside.
In time, he’d forget about Jonghyun.
That was his resolution.
Plans go astray.
They tent to in affiliation with Jonghyun.
He went on ahead and made something astronomical of himself. Honed his crafts of performing arts, and achieved his dream as a professional recording artist. The status of Jay Park grew and grew like bacteria on a surface, like weeds in an abandoned lot; the overgrown status, you could also say, of an abandoned soul….
So no secret in the inspiration behind “Abandoned”, one of his first singles. No secret at all, except to the world. Only a select few besides Jay would know the real reason of the song’s origin, or that a woman wasn’t involved.
But that didn’t mean Jay wasn’t involved with them. In fact, after Jonghyun, he went back to his role as playboy. Jonghyun would have the honor of being not only his first real love, but his one and only with another guy: Technically, to Jay, Jonghyun fit neither category of the genders when it came to their relationship. He wasn’t a gay/bisexual man, wasn’t the “woman.” He was just Jonghyun-someone he fell for who just so happened to have the same anatomy as he…
He’d prefer to think of it that way.
*
The song was over. Jay was right in front the guy now, a sheepish smile on his lips. Of course the guy would turn out to be some popular idol from a band. Of course he’d only (not really) resemble who Jay thought he was.
Of course he wasn’t Jonghyun.
Jay thought quickly, and acted even more quickly. He could improvise-cover up the whole embarrassing approach as an act, a gag. So, with the two under the spotlight and on the projector screen, hundreds watched in amusement as Jay caressed the guy’s face under false pretenses of “beloved want.” The reddened idol, although very timid, returned the gesture with his own blowing kiss once Jay backed off a bit. Then Jay did a not-so-manly ‘finger wave’ to him with the biggest smile he could forge on his face. The audience ate it all up, as expected.
But as they clapped and cheered, Jay felt himself dying beneath his laughing exterior.
The tattoo carved into his hip-the same hip Jonghyun had bitten and bruised the first time they fooled around -throbbed and ached like the day Jay had gotten it. The initials “KJ” in cursive, and intermingled with a treble clef. Jay had it engraved into him exactly where the bruise was; that was about four years ago…
That tat would forever be between Jay and the tattoo artist. And even still…the artist wouldn’t know why or for what Jay wanted it.
He still wanted to cry when he brought the mic to his lips. “I love you,” came strained, and he finally took his bow of thanks. Then Jay fast-walked back to the stage steps before he broke down, leaving in his wake more “aw’s” from the giddy fans who knew that Jay was referring to the person that the song was dedicated to -and collective chuckles from the people who believed it was directed to the idol; you know, to close out his short “comedy act”…
Jay hurried. He had to sit down in private, he had to stop this drumming headache. He needed release so badly and his throat somehow burned along with his eyes. The mic was thrust into the hands of a special effects technician as Jay brooded past. Once he was backstage, he was all the more determined to hide the, he knew, agonizing look on his face-so unlike him. So unlike the normally optimistic, charismatic Jay.
In his desperate search for an empty dressing room, Jay reminisced. It took him up until several months ago for him to remember to annul the restraining order. But before then, oh way before, he’d renewed his hunt for Jonghyun. He couldn’t take it anymore. Torture had to stop at a certain degree. He swore on everything he loved and held dear that he’d make it all right again…and keep it that way. He swore unto the absent Jonghyun that he’d be a better Jay.
Full circle. Jay crawling back to him, begging for another chance, needing him in the worst way. No shame, no shame…
Jay’s chest tightened. He squeezed his eyes shut and stopped in the middle of the hallway, fists at his sides.
This was the reason he’d traveled so far. Last he heard, Jonghyun was in Seoul. So Seoul it was. To sing. To lure the younger out of hiding. To call him back into his life, because without him there, love didn’t live here with Jay. Love only lived where home was, and home was Jonghyun. Dammit, it was Jonghyun. Was, is, always will be…
“Why didn’t you fucking come?” he sobbed lightly, roughly wiping away what came from his eyes and nose with his arm. “I know you heard me. I know you fucking heard me you st-stupid baser. Why didn’t you come, huh?”
The words echoed back at him mockingly in the wide hallway. Jay sniffed and went to smear away the evidence of his hurt with fast slides of his hands down his face.
“I’ve changed,” he hiccupped several seconds later, blinking back more tears. He stared up into the bright ceiling, voice softening into a whisper. “You hear me? I’ve changed Jonghyun! …Why can’t you hear me?”
But the echo back wasn’t the same. The tone was the same, but the words and the voice belonged to someone else
Someone behind him.
“I’ve always heard you.”
Jay stiffened and whirled around. A figure stood a few feet away.
And at the sweet, familiar smile, Jay’s chest responded accordingly; it weakened. Not only, but his stomach dropped and his poor heart went into hyper speed.
Jonghyun, as if he hadn’t aged a day, sighed behind his smile. He radiated success in the business suit he wore, and in the professional cut of his hair. But the earrings still remained, as if he still had long way to go before he could be taken seriously-and he wanted it that way.
“I hear you all the time Mr. Jay Park. How wouldn’t I? You’re blowing up the radio these days.”
Jay remained silent. He couldn’t decide on a grin or a frown as he stared, so he settled for something in between-that didn’t look attractive at all. Suddenly, he was standing on jellied legs.
A soft chortle. “I have all your albums. You’re pretty good, but I think the songs could have done without so much…me in there.”
“No,” was blurted flatly. Jay went to apologize for it immediately, to take it back…but he only got as parting his lips. They meshed back together timidly.
But Jonghyun only raised a brow, and smirked knowingly. “No? Oh…my bad.”
Silence.
Jay swallowed once. He closed his eyes and spoke huskily. “How did you get back here?”
“Same way you did. You didn’t notice me follow you on stage. I was actually sitting a row behind that guy you serenaded.” He snickered. “Nice going Parky.”
The older cringed at the old nickname. It seemed too out of place here. It gave him too many reasons to want to cry again…
“You know what I mean,” he replied tiredly. If he opened eyes, Jonghyun might not really be there. It was better if they stayed shut. Or he kept his head down.
Jonghyun’s smile lost some of its light. He went to scratch his neck. “Taecyeon kinda knows your security guards. Because they know him, they did him a favor. He told them you and I had history so…yeah.”
Jay snorted against his will. He could only imagine how much that big, burly motherfucker told them.
More silence. Albeit the background cheers for the next performer.
“Jay…”
“Mm.”
“Look at me.”
“No.”
“…Why?” He sounded hurt. No, no wait…
The rapper shook his hung head. “Give me a minute, I…I’m still trying to process this…”
Jonghyun’s playful words were half-hearted. “Way to be more theatrical than I am. You should try acting.”
“I thought I’d never see you again okay?” Jay inhaled, and brought his head up, letting it fall back. The light blinded him but he didn’t care. “Even with this concert, I still thought I’d never see you.”
It was Jonghyun’s turn to remain quiet for a long time.
Too long, even.
Jay brought his head back up to look at him again, vision speckled with white.
Jonghyun was staring at him thoughtfully. He may have, or may not have….wore the same distraught look Jay had on earlier in his hallway monologue.
“You know Jaybeom,” he rasped gently, eyes wet. “I can say I have thought so far ahead. And much more beyond that.”
He was too thrown by the words to label them sappy or corny. Those words had a right to be so inconceivably sentimental.
“I forgave you the moment you made me leave you. As soon as I walked out the door, Jay.”
Eyes widened in the next instant. Jonghyun pulled a worn piece of paper from his breast pocket with gentle trepidation. He unfolded it smilingly, though that smile contrasted the wounded contours of his handsome face.
It could only be recognized as one thing. The creases of paper that had made it square were new…but the old, vertical “hot dog styled” creases still existed. Evidence of a makeshift bookmark.
“You still have it…”
“You’d really believe an eight year long squall would make me trash this?” The younger rolled his eyes. “Wow, you really did lose your mind.”
“You still loved…I mean love…me.”
“Yes…yes I do.” Jonghyun flashed his trademark smile. That bright ass fucking smile. Jay should have hated it because it was so extra, yet the “extraness”, unfortunately, had the opposite effect. It made him want to punch his teeth in and kiss him all at the same time. Jonghyun held the paper out. “Care for a blast to the past?”
“But you have to still, you know…sorta hate me. I fucked both of us up on the inside when I played you like that.”
Jonghyun shrugged. “You did. I’m still a little sore at you. Never hate you though. Besides, the past is the past.” He folded the paper again with a snort about Jay even considering that he’d throw it away, then stuffed it in his pocket. “This thing is mine forever. You don’t get heartfelt love notes like these anymore.”
“Yours forever, huh?”
The realization of the double meaning hovered over their heads for a while. They smiled the same smile simultaneously.
“And here I thought you were all stone and ice.”
“Talc. It’s the softest stone there is. Still pretty hard though.”
“Of course it is.”
Jay bit the inside of his cheek. He could never be this vulnerable around anyone else. It wasn’t that he wasn’t himself others either, it was just…he was someone different with Jonghyun. Jonghyun lugged that person out. Someone who humbled himself down and let love-or whatever it was- take the wheel completely.
“I forgot how much of a smart ass you are.”
“I never forgot how much of one you are.” Jonghyun wasn’t smiling. His mischievous eyes spoke volumes, but so did the compassionate set of his jaw.
Something explicably soft crossed Jay’s features. Wordlessly he began to shuffle forward, like chained iron balls were shackled around his ankles.
The roles reversed. It was their first “reunion” all over again, and Jay didn’t care that his face would be in danger at the expense of Jonghyun’s fist. Jonghyun could do whatever he wanted to him, just as long as he didn’t have to be miles away to do it. He had a right.
Instead of Jay’s doorway, it was an open corridor. It was his turn to be the crybaby, the one for nodded his head into Jonghyun’s chest with humiliating, wet blubbers; the one to slam Jonghyun close and hold on like a needy twit.
The only difference was, Jonghyun’s arms immediately embraced him back.
“I miss you Jjong.”
I miss you hyung.
Jonghyun stifled his throaty chuckle. He was hoarse when he uttered, “You miss this prime piece of ass?”
Jay groaned, yet pulled him tighter. “I miss all of you, stupid,” he sobbed. “ I miss everything.”
“…I’ve missed you too.” After a lingering kiss there, he tenderly set his chin atop Jay’s head, rubbing up and down his back.
For a long time, they remained in the middle of the shadowed hallway just like that. The 31-year-old bawled like a child into Jonghyun’s chest, inhaled Jonghyun’s mixed scents, bunched the thick material of Jonghyun’s suit jacket from the back with hands that popped with veins from how hard he held him.
From then on, all they had to say…they didn’t say all.
They didn’t have to. Wasn’t long before they bumped into the closed door of one dressing room, too involved with strangled breathing and clashing mouths. They fell into the room when Jay forced Jonghyun up against it a little too hard with his hips; and by miracle, it was vacated.
Jay’s hands were an unstoppable force, even as Jonghyun rummaged through drawers to find paper and pen. Jonghyun was sloppily relieved of his devenir apparel as he scrawled a few characters on the paper and signed Jay’s name at the bottom. Laughingly, he quickly replaced the “Dressing Room” paper that was in the pocket on the outside of the door with his “Do Not Disturb -Jay “ sign and twisted neck back to the older. Who was busy nipping and kissing down Jonghyun’s neck to his mostly exposed shoulder, the jacket shed but the white dress shirt not quite off yet. Jay, though, met his old lover’s lips once they were pointedly presented, and he eagerly returned to the hot, bud tingling taste that was Jonghyun once again.
The door was locked. They chose to smother themselves with the other on the leather sofa, articles of clothing tugged off and carelessly flung. Jonghyun’s thighs widened like programmed for Jay, always ready, always willing. They bumped heads in a different sense now, frantically clawing into each other’s flesh like they couldn’t become one fast enough. Jonghyun’s moans for Jay’s cock fluctuated high and low, reminding Jay of his strong singing voice…
The ingrained image of Jonghyun on his bed in early morning with the ukulele …wracked his body. It made him smile into their aching kisses. Even more impatient to be inside of him, stroking him into the black cushion.
The younger scratched into his back. “Fuck me. Please fuck me baby…please hyung.”
Jay could have scoffed or moaned at the bout of déjà vu circulating this moment. “Korean, Jjongie,” he near snarled. Oh, now that he had him back, there would be plenty of love making later on. For now, he had to indulge in his favorites.
Jonghyun was here to stay. Jay knew better now.
They had all the time in the world.
“Am I my Jonghyun’s keeper?” Jay had whispered a minute later, buried deeply inside Jonghyun. The younger’s legs were locked around his waist and pushing his hips even closer, though he was already too loud for comfort. The question was rhetorical, he didn’t even know where that came from- but whether or not Jonghyun heard it or even thought it was directed to him was questionable…and not worth giving a fuck about, really.
Jonghyun’s body jerked in rhythmic ferocity to Jay’s thrusts. His eyes were lust-heavy slits; however, he was still able to stare up into Jay’s. Because Jay had no intention on looking away. Amidst the arousing sounds of terrible smacking and Jonghyun’s whimpers of how exquisite Jay’s dick was, whines when the older pinched into his hips from gripping so hard.
“Fuck, Jay,” he hissed, sure to leave a handprint from slapping and groping Jay’s ass cheek. Both trembled in individualized pleasure: Jay, from the slur of Jonghyun’s deepened Korean; Jonghyun from the increased speed of Jay’s thrusts because of his voice. The perfect chain reaction. The perfect mix of push and pull, like the relationship of the moon and the tides underneath.
By the time Jay’s team figured out where he was, the pair were collapsed next to each other. Jay inhaling Jonghyun’s scalp, lazily spooning from the back . Jonghyun was already asleep (he blamed it on low blood sugars. Pfft.) and slightly snored, snuggling back into the older peacefully.
But Jay wouldn’t be able to sleep. Even if he didn’t have a concert to get back to (Seriously. Why did he even have to go back? The purpose was fulfilled as far as he was concerned, no need to for them to continue with him) he wouldn’t be able to.
His heart still raced. His body and mind were as about as calm as crack addict’s. He might as have been one. Just turn Jonghyun into a white line on a piece of paper…
Jay closed his eyes into Jonghyun’s dark brown silk. Yeah. The moron was here, and he still couldn’t help but think about him.
As if he could hear his wired thoughts, Jonghyun smirked in his sleep.
END
On a much lighter (not really) note:
It has occurred to me that…man that was kinda fucked up that Jay was immobilized in the beginning of summer. I mean, doesn’t the shit usually happen towards the end, when you’ve actually PULLED a bunch of stupid Jackass-y stunts in order to get hurt?
Who’s ever heard of that? Aish.
(LOL)
Author: dria1029
Pairings:J ay Park/Jonghyun
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst
Warnings: Flashbacks of sexual encounters, language, hate crime, mentions of homophobia, marijuana use, drinking, “domestic violence”, present sexual situation
Rating: NC-17
Summary:Jay’s unconventional relationship with another male-a one Kim Jonghyun-goes further than expected. Turned out is an understatement
Word Count: 11,962 (In two parts)
a/n: ;_;
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
Cause I’ve been thinkin bout forever. (Oooh, oooh)
Jay’s head was pounding. Memories flashed through his mind, quick clips of his short time with Kim Jonghyun: imperfect perfection, fairytale extraordinaire. One hell of a dream for Jay. He was a dream within a dream; once Jay thought about him once, there was no stopping his thoughts.
The memory came where they were in public. Someone tripped when they were stepping off the curb to cross the street. Jonghyun and Jay were right there, with Jonghyun behind Jay…and letting his head fall into Jay’s back with silent, heaving laughter. Jay, in turn, would blush beet red and smile in embarrassment at the surrounding pedestrians on behalf of his partner’s rudeness. Couldn’t help but snicker a little bit himself; not because the person tripped, but upon turning and seeing Jonghyun’s purpled, tear stained face. Still snorting with laughter.
“Shit..” Jonghyun’s deep laughter had spiraled into a cough. With a fist to his mouth, he hacked away until the replay of the trip crossed his mind again, and the laughter picked up where it left off with much more gusto.
Jay watched him with folding arms, rolling his eyes. “You’re gonna get us shot one of these days you fucking baser.”
Jonghyun slapped his knee and laughed harder.
“Dumbass.”
Jay Park was heading in his direction. Screams rocked the arena, the spotlight followed the star overhead. The guy watched Jay in attentive bewilderment, not quite registering whether or not he could be so lucky. About as many emotions ran across his features as Jay’s.
Is it you?…is it really you? It’s not you…fuck, I still can’t see your face clearly…
Lying under the stars talking about the most irrelevant bullshit. Jonghyun’s hair blowing into his smile. Yelled bets and standing shouts in front of the PS3. Stealing a kiss when they were in the restroom at the theaters, while Jonghyun washed his hands. Burnt lasagna. Trailing a finger down Jonghyun’s back as he slept into late noon. Playing doggie with Jay’s little sister. Belching contests. Acting the fool on the subway. Gifts from the dollar store. Jonghyun singing with him in a booth. Casual shoulder slams into a wall. Jonghyun reminding him that he loved him in more of his actions than his words…but words were nice too.
Damn did his head hurt.
His vision swam as he kept locked eyes with the object of his destination.
*
There was talk of moving in together the day before. It was still early in summer, and Jay had returned to the other side of Seattle to picked up his mail from home that night.
His worst fears were realized once he found himself cornered in the back of a convenience store. He was backed to a trash can, the top of it cutting into his lower back. Surrounded on all sides by thugs of every ethnicity and size; some he even knew.
Turned out, his “respect” to his ex was well underappreciated. The vindictive bitch had one of her brother’s friends “stalk” Jonghyun and Jay after the break-up. Pictures and all. The photos were thrown in his face, the hot breath of his ex’s brother in his face, calling him all the names he’d once disrespected Jonghyun with in the past.
She had sobbed to her brother about the injustice once she found out Jonghyun and Jay were very much in a relationship. And without question, her brother went to bring her Jay’s head on a silver platter.
He was shoved, whimpering, into the wall. Shoved and jacked up, yelled at for playing fucking games with his sister and romping off to be a fairy. Jay denied it all at first, insisted it was all a misconception. Then he thought better of it. Said fuck it. Claimed that he was sorry for hurting her. Begged that they let him go; he’d go make it right, beg for her forgiveness.
They weren’t so understanding. In fact, as far as they were concerned, Jay had been asking for it ever since he was caught beating his ex , back when he didn’t smoke weed to calm his nerves and didn’t know how to love.
They jumped him there. Crushed him under their despising malice, carried out their hate crime until Jay lay in a bloodied heap by the trash can. The only reason they didn’t get to shoot him in the head was because the police were cruising by, called because the store keeper had peeked through the back door window earlier, saw Jay being harassed, and reported suspicious activity-the man too scared to help by himself, obviously.
They fled and left him there for the cops. Jay was unconscious by the time he was on the stretcher inside the ambulance. Sirens and faces of strangers and Jonghyun’s name on his busted lips…
*
Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
Cause I’ve been thinkin bout forever. (Oooh, oooh)
The first tear spilled.
Well, he’d held out for this long.
Jay was closer. The man’s face became more visible…and to Jay’s mortification, it was only like Jonghyun’s from afar. With each step nearer, he looked less and less like Jonghyun, and Jay wanted to blame it on eight years of leave. Eight years since he’d last seen the younger, and you know…eight years could change a person in the most drastic of ways. Jonghyun would be 29 now, he thought.
But blaming it on age and time and change…he found he couldn’t do it.
This wasn’t his Jonghyun.
*
The heft of homosexuality was heavy upon them both. In Korea, Jonghyun was strictly taught that it was taboo, absolutely out of the question-this was back when they were less open minded about it. For Jay, an American, society’s views on homosexuality were less rigid…but in a personal way, the way his peers would come down hard on him would be much more devastating than if, say, Jonghyun was reprimanded in South Korea. Well, as far as he knew. Jay was always considered “manly”. Jay was always the player, the ladies’ man. He always upheld the social construct of being an average, red blooded male. He took pride in his masculinity both in appearance and demeanor. It was what the rest were used to. For him to come out the closet would ensure that he’d be unforgivably teased and taunted. He’d lose respect. He’d be alienated. They’d spit on him.
And he’d end up a victim of a hate crime…
The thoughts were ladled into his subconscious long ago, waiting to spring forth as words of unveiled reality to Jonghyun. But he didn’t explode in the beginning. He was still too hurt and weak, physically and emotionally. At the time, he still needed Jonghyun, and depended on him. Jay could even say he still loved him. He was just in a bad head space. The one thing he didn’t want to happen-that deep down, he knew would happen-had happened anyway. All because he had an infatuation with a short, spiky haired, soft lipped moron.
He unwisely bottled it all in as Jonghyun visited him daily in hospital. Thankfully he emerged with only a few broken ribs and minor cuts and bruises. It could have been much worse, especially if the police hadn’t shown up on time. While the younger showered him with words of comfort and encouragement, the anger evident in his eyes every time he eyed the bandages wrapped around Jay’s torso, he promised Jay he’d see to it that the guys who did this shit to him would get their fucking skulls split-all Jay needed to do was say the word and give him a few names. And Jay knew he meant what he said. Jonghyun himself was a Chihuahua, but as soon as he went to Taecyeon and the rest of his boys, there would be blood in the streets.
Jay had declined with a faint smile. As pissed as he was, he couldn’t do that to Jonghyun or Taecyeon or anyone else he was peoples with. There was already enough disturbance going on in Seattle.
But after he tolerated the few weeks of physical therapy with his “better half”, Jay realized he didn’t have anything left. His dignity had been stripped away more than once in this “fling” with Jonghyun. Now, his heart was so emptily, and every time he had to see Jonghyun’s smiling face, striding in with a Styrofoam takeout container and a can of soda for him…he felt nothing. The weak feeling in his chest was no longer there. The beating had taken too much toll on his weary heart.
He felt like he was nothing.
And Jonghyun deserved better.
So the day came where, once Jay was halfway to full recovery, he cut Jonghyun off. Ignored texts and calls until he had his number changed. Jonghyun then tried showing up at his flat, or at his school, so Jay swallowed down his guilt and placed a restraining order on him before moving out temporarily into his parent’s house. He went back to avoiding him at all costs. Even avoided seeing him altogether by deleting their pictures from his phone and turning down the framed photos on his nightstand.
Crying like a bitch almost every night.
The first time he ever cried over something as…cheap as experimental love.
The first time he ever cried over Jonghyun.
The first time he ever cried over someone he’d fallen in love with.
God, so many first times…
Jay’s mother and father found out about their little bromance the day Jonghyun popped over anyway, demanding in violently balled fists why Jay was resorting to this shit all over again. Jonghyun thought they’d gotten past that. Why was it so hard to him to stay committed when Jonghyun was always there for him? Why didn’t he understand that Jonghyun would never forsake him? Why did he always run away from him?-and what was so daunting about this time around that made him reject Jonghyun with so much finality? What, the jumping? Was it because of that?-if that’s the case, they could move! Get away from Seattle and start a life elsewhere!
Why couldn’t Jay just love him unconditionally like he loved Jay?
Jay’s mother gasped. His father’s face was a deep burgundy color, frowning deeply. Jonghyun was a total, unkempt mess as he stood there breathing haggardly with his mouth hanging open and eyes livid and wild. Shit had to hit the fan. He was over the bullshit. Jay wouldn’t give him up so easily. He’d go out with a bang if he had to…
Well, if people wanted to get things off their chest…Jay might as well get it over with. Everyone was stunned when Jay exploded at Jonghyun, rattling off why Jonghyun had made his life miserable ever since he met him. He blamed him for everything; for turning him out, for abandoning his friends, for betraying his girlfriend, for getting the living shit beat out of him. Everything. Everything that came from his mouth was negative. Lies and contradictions, contradictions and lies. They were in the form of the juicy tears pouring down Jay’s face.
When his tantrum was over, Jonghyun was still standing silently. He’d heard it all in enraged understanding.
And his voice was thick when he said lowly, “All I want to know is one thing: answer me this one thing and I’ll decide on whether or not I will leave this here where I stand.”
Jay fixed his face in prideful distain. “What.”
“Do you still love me...Did you ever love me?”
The questions-really, one in the same-were almost weighty enough to make Jay slump to the dining room chair. Suddenly he was dizzy, suddenly wanting his pain meds and, irrelevantly, a few more hours of sleep.
“Be careful how you answer,” Jonghyun rasped, stare a piercing omen. “Think carefully about it before you answer…”
Then, all eyes were on him as he made the biggest mistake of his life.
He squared his jaw, met Jonghyun straight in the eye and growled that one loaded word.
“No.”
It was a wrap after that. Jonghyun washed his hands clean of him. He glanced off into space with a pained look; one where his eyes welled with warmth and his pink lips pinned like they’d disappear altogether, like he wanted to punch holes in the wall till his hand was a bloody mass. There was a choked, “Okay” to Jay, deep bows and apologies to his parents, and he was gone. Out the door without a backwards glance. Just like that.
It was one day where Jay wished it would rain. A part of him had just been disintegrated and swept away with the wind…and the day had the nerve to be sunny and clear.
But Jay only had himself to blame when it came to his misfortune with fate.
More often than not, it was his fault.
It was always his fault.
**
Jay accepted the penalties of his selfishness surprisingly well. His father harbored contempt for his only son’s intimate involvement with another male, and refused to talk to him-about the situation or otherwise. It became uncomfortable between him and Jay. So much so, Jay moved back into his flat as soon as his doctor determined that his ribs were fully healed.
He turned into an outcast among some of his social circles, seeing as news spread fast about his homosexual rendezvous-and the violent consequences thereafter. Sure, some had pity. But Jay’s social realm was much like one big high school; he’d receive all the sympathetic looks in the world, but no one would dare to approach him because they were thinking about tarnishing their own societal standing. Those few months of living like a recluse opened Jay’s eyes to who was really down for him, and who wasn’t. He lost many, gained few to none.
Yet there was one thing he couldn’t accept. One thing he couldn’t tolerate.
That no matter what he did or didn’t do, he couldn’t get the one with the knee-weakening smile out of his head.
He always thought about Jonghyun.
A minute didn’t go by where he didn’t.
And being away from him for such a long amount of time…oh it killed Jay. Extremely less bearable than the times before where they were separated. Much like life after the first time Jay left Jonghyun behind: thinking about him obsessively.
Jay succumbed to the point of wondering of Jonghyun’s whereabouts. Whether the other was eating and taking care of himself. What he was doing, who he was with. Even wondering if, while he was in the middle of shopping or tending to his music or carrying out any other mundane task, Jonghyun was doing the same thing at the same time.
No, judging from all the time’s he’d stood Jonghyun up in an “I promise to be trustworthy” sense--Jay would never truly realize what he had until it was gone. He’d never learn because…he kept doing the same stupid thing over and over again.
Yet even with that in mind, Jay was helpless in his uncloaked attachment. Without even realizing it, he’d go out of his way (while out to do something completely different) to visit the courts or other favorite spots he and the younger used to hang…in the slim, anxious hope of seeing Jonghyun again. He wrestled with the festering urges to call the boy, or ask around about him.
He never saw him. His calls went unanswered, were forwarded, or the phone was off. He asked around, but no one has anything useful to go off on. Taecyeon gave him a funny look, as if it was incredulous that Jay would seek Jonghyun after all of the drama; yet, nonetheless, relayed that Jonghyun had talked to him about moving again.
So it with a drum in a chest that he caved in. He couldn’t take it anymore. He jumped on the nearest subway to Jonghyun’s apartment.
But when he got there…the place was totally emptied out. The landlord told Jay that Jonghyun had cut his time as a foreign exchange student short and moved back with his family in Seoul. “Bless him,” the older Hispanic lady had sighed, touching Jay’s high shoulder. “The poor thing looked so bad. Perhaps its better this way. Maybe he won’t be so miserable when he’s in Korea again.”
That was the moment that Jay realized that this time, he’d fucked up royally. Don goofed. He’d turned Jonghyun into a one hit wonder in his life, and he’d pushed him away for the very last time. He was a fool to push him away…
But it was too late. Jay couldn’t rescue Jonghyun, and Jonghyun couldn’t rescue Jay. Not anymore.
He gazed lifelessly into the apartment and the mattress and lamp materialized. Their first night together was the only faded memory he allowed to overcome him until he turned away and left. He’d live, he’d learn, and he’d move on. All lingering affections and broken hearts aside.
In time, he’d forget about Jonghyun.
That was his resolution.
Plans go astray.
They tent to in affiliation with Jonghyun.
He went on ahead and made something astronomical of himself. Honed his crafts of performing arts, and achieved his dream as a professional recording artist. The status of Jay Park grew and grew like bacteria on a surface, like weeds in an abandoned lot; the overgrown status, you could also say, of an abandoned soul….
So no secret in the inspiration behind “Abandoned”, one of his first singles. No secret at all, except to the world. Only a select few besides Jay would know the real reason of the song’s origin, or that a woman wasn’t involved.
But that didn’t mean Jay wasn’t involved with them. In fact, after Jonghyun, he went back to his role as playboy. Jonghyun would have the honor of being not only his first real love, but his one and only with another guy: Technically, to Jay, Jonghyun fit neither category of the genders when it came to their relationship. He wasn’t a gay/bisexual man, wasn’t the “woman.” He was just Jonghyun-someone he fell for who just so happened to have the same anatomy as he…
He’d prefer to think of it that way.
*
The song was over. Jay was right in front the guy now, a sheepish smile on his lips. Of course the guy would turn out to be some popular idol from a band. Of course he’d only (not really) resemble who Jay thought he was.
Of course he wasn’t Jonghyun.
Jay thought quickly, and acted even more quickly. He could improvise-cover up the whole embarrassing approach as an act, a gag. So, with the two under the spotlight and on the projector screen, hundreds watched in amusement as Jay caressed the guy’s face under false pretenses of “beloved want.” The reddened idol, although very timid, returned the gesture with his own blowing kiss once Jay backed off a bit. Then Jay did a not-so-manly ‘finger wave’ to him with the biggest smile he could forge on his face. The audience ate it all up, as expected.
But as they clapped and cheered, Jay felt himself dying beneath his laughing exterior.
The tattoo carved into his hip-the same hip Jonghyun had bitten and bruised the first time they fooled around -throbbed and ached like the day Jay had gotten it. The initials “KJ” in cursive, and intermingled with a treble clef. Jay had it engraved into him exactly where the bruise was; that was about four years ago…
That tat would forever be between Jay and the tattoo artist. And even still…the artist wouldn’t know why or for what Jay wanted it.
He still wanted to cry when he brought the mic to his lips. “I love you,” came strained, and he finally took his bow of thanks. Then Jay fast-walked back to the stage steps before he broke down, leaving in his wake more “aw’s” from the giddy fans who knew that Jay was referring to the person that the song was dedicated to -and collective chuckles from the people who believed it was directed to the idol; you know, to close out his short “comedy act”…
Jay hurried. He had to sit down in private, he had to stop this drumming headache. He needed release so badly and his throat somehow burned along with his eyes. The mic was thrust into the hands of a special effects technician as Jay brooded past. Once he was backstage, he was all the more determined to hide the, he knew, agonizing look on his face-so unlike him. So unlike the normally optimistic, charismatic Jay.
In his desperate search for an empty dressing room, Jay reminisced. It took him up until several months ago for him to remember to annul the restraining order. But before then, oh way before, he’d renewed his hunt for Jonghyun. He couldn’t take it anymore. Torture had to stop at a certain degree. He swore on everything he loved and held dear that he’d make it all right again…and keep it that way. He swore unto the absent Jonghyun that he’d be a better Jay.
Full circle. Jay crawling back to him, begging for another chance, needing him in the worst way. No shame, no shame…
Jay’s chest tightened. He squeezed his eyes shut and stopped in the middle of the hallway, fists at his sides.
This was the reason he’d traveled so far. Last he heard, Jonghyun was in Seoul. So Seoul it was. To sing. To lure the younger out of hiding. To call him back into his life, because without him there, love didn’t live here with Jay. Love only lived where home was, and home was Jonghyun. Dammit, it was Jonghyun. Was, is, always will be…
“Why didn’t you fucking come?” he sobbed lightly, roughly wiping away what came from his eyes and nose with his arm. “I know you heard me. I know you fucking heard me you st-stupid baser. Why didn’t you come, huh?”
The words echoed back at him mockingly in the wide hallway. Jay sniffed and went to smear away the evidence of his hurt with fast slides of his hands down his face.
“I’ve changed,” he hiccupped several seconds later, blinking back more tears. He stared up into the bright ceiling, voice softening into a whisper. “You hear me? I’ve changed Jonghyun! …Why can’t you hear me?”
But the echo back wasn’t the same. The tone was the same, but the words and the voice belonged to someone else
Someone behind him.
“I’ve always heard you.”
Jay stiffened and whirled around. A figure stood a few feet away.
And at the sweet, familiar smile, Jay’s chest responded accordingly; it weakened. Not only, but his stomach dropped and his poor heart went into hyper speed.
Jonghyun, as if he hadn’t aged a day, sighed behind his smile. He radiated success in the business suit he wore, and in the professional cut of his hair. But the earrings still remained, as if he still had long way to go before he could be taken seriously-and he wanted it that way.
“I hear you all the time Mr. Jay Park. How wouldn’t I? You’re blowing up the radio these days.”
Jay remained silent. He couldn’t decide on a grin or a frown as he stared, so he settled for something in between-that didn’t look attractive at all. Suddenly, he was standing on jellied legs.
A soft chortle. “I have all your albums. You’re pretty good, but I think the songs could have done without so much…me in there.”
“No,” was blurted flatly. Jay went to apologize for it immediately, to take it back…but he only got as parting his lips. They meshed back together timidly.
But Jonghyun only raised a brow, and smirked knowingly. “No? Oh…my bad.”
Silence.
Jay swallowed once. He closed his eyes and spoke huskily. “How did you get back here?”
“Same way you did. You didn’t notice me follow you on stage. I was actually sitting a row behind that guy you serenaded.” He snickered. “Nice going Parky.”
The older cringed at the old nickname. It seemed too out of place here. It gave him too many reasons to want to cry again…
“You know what I mean,” he replied tiredly. If he opened eyes, Jonghyun might not really be there. It was better if they stayed shut. Or he kept his head down.
Jonghyun’s smile lost some of its light. He went to scratch his neck. “Taecyeon kinda knows your security guards. Because they know him, they did him a favor. He told them you and I had history so…yeah.”
Jay snorted against his will. He could only imagine how much that big, burly motherfucker told them.
More silence. Albeit the background cheers for the next performer.
“Jay…”
“Mm.”
“Look at me.”
“No.”
“…Why?” He sounded hurt. No, no wait…
The rapper shook his hung head. “Give me a minute, I…I’m still trying to process this…”
Jonghyun’s playful words were half-hearted. “Way to be more theatrical than I am. You should try acting.”
“I thought I’d never see you again okay?” Jay inhaled, and brought his head up, letting it fall back. The light blinded him but he didn’t care. “Even with this concert, I still thought I’d never see you.”
It was Jonghyun’s turn to remain quiet for a long time.
Too long, even.
Jay brought his head back up to look at him again, vision speckled with white.
Jonghyun was staring at him thoughtfully. He may have, or may not have….wore the same distraught look Jay had on earlier in his hallway monologue.
“You know Jaybeom,” he rasped gently, eyes wet. “I can say I have thought so far ahead. And much more beyond that.”
He was too thrown by the words to label them sappy or corny. Those words had a right to be so inconceivably sentimental.
“I forgave you the moment you made me leave you. As soon as I walked out the door, Jay.”
Eyes widened in the next instant. Jonghyun pulled a worn piece of paper from his breast pocket with gentle trepidation. He unfolded it smilingly, though that smile contrasted the wounded contours of his handsome face.
It could only be recognized as one thing. The creases of paper that had made it square were new…but the old, vertical “hot dog styled” creases still existed. Evidence of a makeshift bookmark.
“You still have it…”
“You’d really believe an eight year long squall would make me trash this?” The younger rolled his eyes. “Wow, you really did lose your mind.”
“You still loved…I mean love…me.”
“Yes…yes I do.” Jonghyun flashed his trademark smile. That bright ass fucking smile. Jay should have hated it because it was so extra, yet the “extraness”, unfortunately, had the opposite effect. It made him want to punch his teeth in and kiss him all at the same time. Jonghyun held the paper out. “Care for a blast to the past?”
“But you have to still, you know…sorta hate me. I fucked both of us up on the inside when I played you like that.”
Jonghyun shrugged. “You did. I’m still a little sore at you. Never hate you though. Besides, the past is the past.” He folded the paper again with a snort about Jay even considering that he’d throw it away, then stuffed it in his pocket. “This thing is mine forever. You don’t get heartfelt love notes like these anymore.”
“Yours forever, huh?”
The realization of the double meaning hovered over their heads for a while. They smiled the same smile simultaneously.
“And here I thought you were all stone and ice.”
“Talc. It’s the softest stone there is. Still pretty hard though.”
“Of course it is.”
Jay bit the inside of his cheek. He could never be this vulnerable around anyone else. It wasn’t that he wasn’t himself others either, it was just…he was someone different with Jonghyun. Jonghyun lugged that person out. Someone who humbled himself down and let love-or whatever it was- take the wheel completely.
“I forgot how much of a smart ass you are.”
“I never forgot how much of one you are.” Jonghyun wasn’t smiling. His mischievous eyes spoke volumes, but so did the compassionate set of his jaw.
Something explicably soft crossed Jay’s features. Wordlessly he began to shuffle forward, like chained iron balls were shackled around his ankles.
The roles reversed. It was their first “reunion” all over again, and Jay didn’t care that his face would be in danger at the expense of Jonghyun’s fist. Jonghyun could do whatever he wanted to him, just as long as he didn’t have to be miles away to do it. He had a right.
Instead of Jay’s doorway, it was an open corridor. It was his turn to be the crybaby, the one for nodded his head into Jonghyun’s chest with humiliating, wet blubbers; the one to slam Jonghyun close and hold on like a needy twit.
The only difference was, Jonghyun’s arms immediately embraced him back.
“I miss you Jjong.”
I miss you hyung.
Jonghyun stifled his throaty chuckle. He was hoarse when he uttered, “You miss this prime piece of ass?”
Jay groaned, yet pulled him tighter. “I miss all of you, stupid,” he sobbed. “ I miss everything.”
“…I’ve missed you too.” After a lingering kiss there, he tenderly set his chin atop Jay’s head, rubbing up and down his back.
For a long time, they remained in the middle of the shadowed hallway just like that. The 31-year-old bawled like a child into Jonghyun’s chest, inhaled Jonghyun’s mixed scents, bunched the thick material of Jonghyun’s suit jacket from the back with hands that popped with veins from how hard he held him.
From then on, all they had to say…they didn’t say all.
They didn’t have to. Wasn’t long before they bumped into the closed door of one dressing room, too involved with strangled breathing and clashing mouths. They fell into the room when Jay forced Jonghyun up against it a little too hard with his hips; and by miracle, it was vacated.
Jay’s hands were an unstoppable force, even as Jonghyun rummaged through drawers to find paper and pen. Jonghyun was sloppily relieved of his devenir apparel as he scrawled a few characters on the paper and signed Jay’s name at the bottom. Laughingly, he quickly replaced the “Dressing Room” paper that was in the pocket on the outside of the door with his “Do Not Disturb -Jay “ sign and twisted neck back to the older. Who was busy nipping and kissing down Jonghyun’s neck to his mostly exposed shoulder, the jacket shed but the white dress shirt not quite off yet. Jay, though, met his old lover’s lips once they were pointedly presented, and he eagerly returned to the hot, bud tingling taste that was Jonghyun once again.
The door was locked. They chose to smother themselves with the other on the leather sofa, articles of clothing tugged off and carelessly flung. Jonghyun’s thighs widened like programmed for Jay, always ready, always willing. They bumped heads in a different sense now, frantically clawing into each other’s flesh like they couldn’t become one fast enough. Jonghyun’s moans for Jay’s cock fluctuated high and low, reminding Jay of his strong singing voice…
The ingrained image of Jonghyun on his bed in early morning with the ukulele …wracked his body. It made him smile into their aching kisses. Even more impatient to be inside of him, stroking him into the black cushion.
The younger scratched into his back. “Fuck me. Please fuck me baby…please hyung.”
Jay could have scoffed or moaned at the bout of déjà vu circulating this moment. “Korean, Jjongie,” he near snarled. Oh, now that he had him back, there would be plenty of love making later on. For now, he had to indulge in his favorites.
Jonghyun was here to stay. Jay knew better now.
They had all the time in the world.
“Am I my Jonghyun’s keeper?” Jay had whispered a minute later, buried deeply inside Jonghyun. The younger’s legs were locked around his waist and pushing his hips even closer, though he was already too loud for comfort. The question was rhetorical, he didn’t even know where that came from- but whether or not Jonghyun heard it or even thought it was directed to him was questionable…and not worth giving a fuck about, really.
Jonghyun’s body jerked in rhythmic ferocity to Jay’s thrusts. His eyes were lust-heavy slits; however, he was still able to stare up into Jay’s. Because Jay had no intention on looking away. Amidst the arousing sounds of terrible smacking and Jonghyun’s whimpers of how exquisite Jay’s dick was, whines when the older pinched into his hips from gripping so hard.
“Fuck, Jay,” he hissed, sure to leave a handprint from slapping and groping Jay’s ass cheek. Both trembled in individualized pleasure: Jay, from the slur of Jonghyun’s deepened Korean; Jonghyun from the increased speed of Jay’s thrusts because of his voice. The perfect chain reaction. The perfect mix of push and pull, like the relationship of the moon and the tides underneath.
By the time Jay’s team figured out where he was, the pair were collapsed next to each other. Jay inhaling Jonghyun’s scalp, lazily spooning from the back . Jonghyun was already asleep (he blamed it on low blood sugars. Pfft.) and slightly snored, snuggling back into the older peacefully.
But Jay wouldn’t be able to sleep. Even if he didn’t have a concert to get back to (Seriously. Why did he even have to go back? The purpose was fulfilled as far as he was concerned, no need to for them to continue with him) he wouldn’t be able to.
His heart still raced. His body and mind were as about as calm as crack addict’s. He might as have been one. Just turn Jonghyun into a white line on a piece of paper…
Jay closed his eyes into Jonghyun’s dark brown silk. Yeah. The moron was here, and he still couldn’t help but think about him.
As if he could hear his wired thoughts, Jonghyun smirked in his sleep.
END
On a much lighter (not really) note:
It has occurred to me that…man that was kinda fucked up that Jay was immobilized in the beginning of summer. I mean, doesn’t the shit usually happen towards the end, when you’ve actually PULLED a bunch of stupid Jackass-y stunts in order to get hurt?
Who’s ever heard of that? Aish.
(LOL)