DnD : Phandelving Finally Done
Still going through the lost mine of Phandelver, trying to find that missing dwarf. The number of undead down here has been troublesome.
Lamech: And we'll leave Agent Skully locked in the forge's firebox.
The gnome that ran off while our backs were turned stole some dwarven clothes, after he did the same thing to the people we left on guard at the cave mouth. That's evidence that he was another doppleganger. We update them on our progress, which is slow and methodical. After all, we don't want to be surprised by attacks from the rear.
Gundrun: Well, that's prudent anyway.
Lamech: I'm all about prudence. Don't eat any strange mushrooms unless I know exactly how strange they are.
Lamech: There's also an underground sea - if your brother isn't in the main cave, we're simply not equipped for underground sailing.
Gundrun: You're telling me my brother may have been sold into slavery to the Drow?
Lamech: Yup.
Gundrun: Well, that's just lovely. Nice way to break the good news, too.
Lamech: What, you'd rather we lie?
GM: Which NPC do you want to take back into the cave with you?
Lamech: I'd say our portable Healing Potion. Hey, Thorn.
We're all more interested in the piles of probable undead to practise proper military spelunking safety. Thorn looks up and yells.
Thorn: BATS!
Lamech: I didn't even think to check the ceilings - It seems I'm not cut out for dungeoneering. So, is everybody up to date on their rabies vaccinations?
GM: *singing* You're going to need to beeeee!
They're actually Stirges. Obviously we failed our Unnatural History classes as well.
GM: You're high enough level you could have stirges as pets.
Kavorog: Why???
Lamech: Well it might be a Giant Dire Riding Stirge. Or if it's a Aquatic Giant Dire Stirge it'd be a Sturgeon.
Urlon: ಠ_ಠ
Fantasy pest control.
GM: If it's fifty dollars to remove a dead animal from a trap, you could charge a hundred to remove undead creatures from a trap.
Striges dealt with, we press on to the next room, which is completely overgrown with strange fungi.
Lamech: I'm more interested in which ones I can sell to fellow aficionados of recreational mycoproteins.
And in a room after that there are crunching noises. It's the surviving ghouls, who demonstrate an impressive long-term memory from the day before, and run away.
There's also some collapsible boats.
Lamech: Huh. Looks like we ARE equipped for some underground sailing.
Lamech: Spelunking Regatta... would that be a Splatter?
Urlon: Are you TRYING to get yourself thrown overboard?
More sealed doors.
GM: It's not that bad - you've got a musclebound thug in the party who has Gauntlets of Ogre Strength.
Urlon: The idea was to surprise people.
GM: Tearing the door off its hinges would surprise them.
Lamech: Especially if you then hit them with it.
The room contains green fire and a giant floating eyeball with multiple additional eyestalks, which is already looking at us.
Urlon: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
Lamech: Oh **** we're going to die
Kavorog: *sob*
Beholder: Hello.
All: ?????
GM: So, is anybody going to stop Elethandiel and Kavorog's charge?
Beholder: Visitors! How nice. Is there anything I can do for you? But I warn you this is a restricted area.
Lamech: Uh ah blah uh ah BSOD.
Urlon: Hey, it's a ball, I wonder how many times I can bounce it off the walls with Thunderwave?
Beholder: So you're mine security then?
Lamech: Uh... yeah? You could say? We were certainly sent down here to deal with a security issue.
Beholder: That's nice.
Lamech: We're just looking for a dwarf that got dragged down here.
Beholder: I haven't seen him.
Lamech: Well. Um. We'll just move on then. If you do see him, tell him he's got some friends up on the surface that are worried about him?
Beholder: OK.
Urlon: Do you want us to fix the door?
Beholder: If you want. I haven't seen the janitorial staff in a while.
All: ...
Urlon: How long have you been here, exactly?
Beholder: I forget. It's been a while. My master told me to guard the room, so I have.
We prop the door back into position and retreat well out of earshot - Lamech has figured out it's actually a Spectator, guardian entities summoned to protect an object until dismissed. This one has probably been here for centuries.
GM: Deranged spheroid in dungeon. Summoner died hundreds of years ago. Still does its job.
GM: You feel a grim foreboding.
Kavorog: I hate grim foreboding.
Lamech: Could be Grim Fandango.
Kavorog: That's worse - I'd look terrible as a skeleton.
We sneakily Mend the hinges to the next double doors, so we don't get any nasty surprises while trying to nastily surprise somebody else. We needn't have bothered - the room is empty, and appears to have been a luxurious bedroom fried in a magical battle.
Kavorog: *sigh* we go investigate the chest.
Lamech: Even though we know it's a trap.
Wraith: MY TREASURES ARE MINE ALOOOOOONE! NOT YOURS TO PLUNDER!!!!!!!
Kavorog: OK. *turns around and walks back out*
Wraith: ????
Apparently the wraith believes this is some kind of trick and attacks anyway.
Kavorog: Are wraiths the ones that steal experience levels?
GM: You're about to find out.
The spirit of the late mage materialises next to our cleric.
Wraith: *incoherent hissing* TALK TO SAVE YOUR LIVES, OR JOIN ME IN UNDEEEEEEAAAATH!!!!
Lamech: Pardon?
Wraith: What???
Lamech: No, seriously, I couldn't understand that first bit.
Wraith: GODSDAMMIT, I'M A VENGEFUL SPIRIT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COWER AND OBEY NOT ASK ME TO REPEAT MYSELLLLFFFFFFF!!!!
GM: You wouldn't have believed an incorporeal spirit...
Lamech: Could froth at the mouth?
Lamech: Are there any descendants we could inform about your final resting place? Anything we can do to calm your restless spirit? *proceeds to roll 4, 4 times in a row, on Persuasion checks* *sigh* I suppose it's still upset with me over the 'say it, don't spray it' thing.
Kavorog actually manages to get a straight answer out of it.
Lamech: Well, they both hiss all the time, that's hardly surprising.
It wants magical items - particularly the green firey thing next door. But the Spectator keeps attacking the wraith, and any undead it sends in.
Lamech: Wait.. you did actually TELL the Spectator you're the same wizard that summoned it?
Wraith: ...
GM: It gets agitated, because that never actually occurred to it.
Wraith: It does not recognise me after my change of state!
Lamech: Well, maybe if you had a few witnesses to testify on your behalf?
Wraith: DESTROY THE GUARDIAN OR JOIN ME IN DEAAAATTTHHHH!!!! *fails to intimidate*
Lamech: Probably all that ectoplasmic spittle.
Kavorog: Ew.
The wraith sags dejectedly, and opts to kill us all, but Thorn's aura of insufferable righteousness scares it off. We have less than 60 seconds to re-equip to finish the thing off - after all, we don't have time to run back for reinforcements, and it can attack through the floors and walls.
Kavorog: You ever play street fighter?
Wraith: ???
Kavorog: SHORYUKEN!
Kavorog's player leans back in his chair, which shatters, throwing fragments everywhere and nearly precipitating him through the gaming's store's internal wall.
Peanut Gallery: Did you at least do a roll?
Kavorog's Player: I rolled a Nat 20 and did a Crit.
Wraiths are resistant to practically everything, but not, it turns out, to Magic Missiles. Lamech blows the thing away with his first barrage.
All: *skid to a halt and look around and at each other, confused*
Lamech: ... did we get it or did it just disperse?
There's a pipe with platinum filigree in the late wizard's chest. Probably the 'precious' the wraith was going on about.
Thorn: We should break it.
Urlon: Or not touch it.
Lamech: *already stuffing it full with his best weed* What? I need a relaxing smoke after that.
We report back to the missing dwarf's brother outside the cave.
Lamech: But in lighter news we found some boats.
But we have somehow managed to miss the assayer's office in the old mine. Back in we go to find it. And a roomful of animated skeletons.
Lamech: Godsdammit. Hey, Gundrun! You remember how I said we'd killed most of the monsters down here?
Skeletons smashed, we find the mine's old pay locker. Lamech gets to work. After all, if a brilliant physicist like Richard Feynman can take up safe-cracking because he was bored, a gnome sorcerer can because he's an arsehole.
Lamech: They're not thieves tools, honest - the fact that they came with a balaclava and bag labelled 'SWAG' was just part of their novelty value.
GM: You can't go across the underground sea yet - your spellcasters need rest.
Lamech: We can rest in the boats - the NPCs can paddle. It's not like they've done anything else, apart from let that deep gnome get away.
We do indeed find a moaning, near dead dwarf on the far side.
Kavorog: You do realise this is a trap right?
Judicious work by Lamech Judocus reveals two extremely dead bugbears - the ones that kidnapped the dwarf in the first place.
Lamech: Um...
Urlon: Er....
Nonetheless we proceed cautiously.
Dwarf: Save me! Help me, before it comes back!
Lamech: Why is it, that despite the fact that this is an OBVIOUS trap, do we proceed anyway?
Thorn: He's afraid of something called a Wealth-eater.
Urlon: Rust monster?
Lamech: Rust Monsters wouldn't do THAT to the bugbears.
Urlon: Good point.
The thing that emerges from the wall has 3 legs, tentacles, and pairs of eyes. And a very large mouth on top of its presumed head. We retreat at speed - judging by the name, Lamech grabs fistfuls of silver coins from his beltpouch, and waves them over his head yelling.
Urlon: What are you DOING!
Lamech: Trying to distract it. *throws them to one side*
Thorn:Fall back, it only wants our treasure, not our lives.
Lamech: And if Kerak was here this is when he'd grip his axe and yell 'You're not getting either!'
Dwarf:Kill it! Kill it! Kill it, before it comes back with more of its kind! They'll breed and ruin the mine!
Thorn:You're not helping!
Fistfuls of gold appear to be enough to satisfy the monster, which appears intelligent enough to crude sign language. Gundrun is delighted at the recovery of his brother. He's infuriated that we didn't kill the creature.
Gundrun:They infest tunnels! They're worse than Horta! Only the deep gnomes can control them! And do you SEE any deep gnomes around here?
Kavorog: Actually...
Lamech: There WAS one, but you let him get away.
Lamech: And we'll leave Agent Skully locked in the forge's firebox.
The gnome that ran off while our backs were turned stole some dwarven clothes, after he did the same thing to the people we left on guard at the cave mouth. That's evidence that he was another doppleganger. We update them on our progress, which is slow and methodical. After all, we don't want to be surprised by attacks from the rear.
Gundrun: Well, that's prudent anyway.
Lamech: I'm all about prudence. Don't eat any strange mushrooms unless I know exactly how strange they are.
Lamech: There's also an underground sea - if your brother isn't in the main cave, we're simply not equipped for underground sailing.
Gundrun: You're telling me my brother may have been sold into slavery to the Drow?
Lamech: Yup.
Gundrun: Well, that's just lovely. Nice way to break the good news, too.
Lamech: What, you'd rather we lie?
GM: Which NPC do you want to take back into the cave with you?
Lamech: I'd say our portable Healing Potion. Hey, Thorn.
We're all more interested in the piles of probable undead to practise proper military spelunking safety. Thorn looks up and yells.
Thorn: BATS!
Lamech: I didn't even think to check the ceilings - It seems I'm not cut out for dungeoneering. So, is everybody up to date on their rabies vaccinations?
GM: *singing* You're going to need to beeeee!
They're actually Stirges. Obviously we failed our Unnatural History classes as well.
GM: You're high enough level you could have stirges as pets.
Kavorog: Why???
Lamech: Well it might be a Giant Dire Riding Stirge. Or if it's a Aquatic Giant Dire Stirge it'd be a Sturgeon.
Urlon: ಠ_ಠ
Fantasy pest control.
GM: If it's fifty dollars to remove a dead animal from a trap, you could charge a hundred to remove undead creatures from a trap.
Striges dealt with, we press on to the next room, which is completely overgrown with strange fungi.
Lamech: I'm more interested in which ones I can sell to fellow aficionados of recreational mycoproteins.
And in a room after that there are crunching noises. It's the surviving ghouls, who demonstrate an impressive long-term memory from the day before, and run away.
There's also some collapsible boats.
Lamech: Huh. Looks like we ARE equipped for some underground sailing.
Lamech: Spelunking Regatta... would that be a Splatter?
Urlon: Are you TRYING to get yourself thrown overboard?
More sealed doors.
GM: It's not that bad - you've got a musclebound thug in the party who has Gauntlets of Ogre Strength.
Urlon: The idea was to surprise people.
GM: Tearing the door off its hinges would surprise them.
Lamech: Especially if you then hit them with it.
The room contains green fire and a giant floating eyeball with multiple additional eyestalks, which is already looking at us.
Urlon: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
Lamech: Oh **** we're going to die
Kavorog: *sob*
Beholder: Hello.
All: ?????
GM: So, is anybody going to stop Elethandiel and Kavorog's charge?
Beholder: Visitors! How nice. Is there anything I can do for you? But I warn you this is a restricted area.
Lamech: Uh ah blah uh ah BSOD.
Urlon: Hey, it's a ball, I wonder how many times I can bounce it off the walls with Thunderwave?
Beholder: So you're mine security then?
Lamech: Uh... yeah? You could say? We were certainly sent down here to deal with a security issue.
Beholder: That's nice.
Lamech: We're just looking for a dwarf that got dragged down here.
Beholder: I haven't seen him.
Lamech: Well. Um. We'll just move on then. If you do see him, tell him he's got some friends up on the surface that are worried about him?
Beholder: OK.
Urlon: Do you want us to fix the door?
Beholder: If you want. I haven't seen the janitorial staff in a while.
All: ...
Urlon: How long have you been here, exactly?
Beholder: I forget. It's been a while. My master told me to guard the room, so I have.
We prop the door back into position and retreat well out of earshot - Lamech has figured out it's actually a Spectator, guardian entities summoned to protect an object until dismissed. This one has probably been here for centuries.
GM: Deranged spheroid in dungeon. Summoner died hundreds of years ago. Still does its job.
GM: You feel a grim foreboding.
Kavorog: I hate grim foreboding.
Lamech: Could be Grim Fandango.
Kavorog: That's worse - I'd look terrible as a skeleton.
We sneakily Mend the hinges to the next double doors, so we don't get any nasty surprises while trying to nastily surprise somebody else. We needn't have bothered - the room is empty, and appears to have been a luxurious bedroom fried in a magical battle.
Kavorog: *sigh* we go investigate the chest.
Lamech: Even though we know it's a trap.
Wraith: MY TREASURES ARE MINE ALOOOOOONE! NOT YOURS TO PLUNDER!!!!!!!
Kavorog: OK. *turns around and walks back out*
Wraith: ????
Apparently the wraith believes this is some kind of trick and attacks anyway.
Kavorog: Are wraiths the ones that steal experience levels?
GM: You're about to find out.
The spirit of the late mage materialises next to our cleric.
Wraith: *incoherent hissing* TALK TO SAVE YOUR LIVES, OR JOIN ME IN UNDEEEEEEAAAATH!!!!
Lamech: Pardon?
Wraith: What???
Lamech: No, seriously, I couldn't understand that first bit.
Wraith: GODSDAMMIT, I'M A VENGEFUL SPIRIT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COWER AND OBEY NOT ASK ME TO REPEAT MYSELLLLFFFFFFF!!!!
GM: You wouldn't have believed an incorporeal spirit...
Lamech: Could froth at the mouth?
Lamech: Are there any descendants we could inform about your final resting place? Anything we can do to calm your restless spirit? *proceeds to roll 4, 4 times in a row, on Persuasion checks* *sigh* I suppose it's still upset with me over the 'say it, don't spray it' thing.
Kavorog actually manages to get a straight answer out of it.
Lamech: Well, they both hiss all the time, that's hardly surprising.
It wants magical items - particularly the green firey thing next door. But the Spectator keeps attacking the wraith, and any undead it sends in.
Lamech: Wait.. you did actually TELL the Spectator you're the same wizard that summoned it?
Wraith: ...
GM: It gets agitated, because that never actually occurred to it.
Wraith: It does not recognise me after my change of state!
Lamech: Well, maybe if you had a few witnesses to testify on your behalf?
Wraith: DESTROY THE GUARDIAN OR JOIN ME IN DEAAAATTTHHHH!!!! *fails to intimidate*
Lamech: Probably all that ectoplasmic spittle.
Kavorog: Ew.
The wraith sags dejectedly, and opts to kill us all, but Thorn's aura of insufferable righteousness scares it off. We have less than 60 seconds to re-equip to finish the thing off - after all, we don't have time to run back for reinforcements, and it can attack through the floors and walls.
Kavorog: You ever play street fighter?
Wraith: ???
Kavorog: SHORYUKEN!
Kavorog's player leans back in his chair, which shatters, throwing fragments everywhere and nearly precipitating him through the gaming's store's internal wall.
Peanut Gallery: Did you at least do a roll?
Kavorog's Player: I rolled a Nat 20 and did a Crit.
Wraiths are resistant to practically everything, but not, it turns out, to Magic Missiles. Lamech blows the thing away with his first barrage.
All: *skid to a halt and look around and at each other, confused*
Lamech: ... did we get it or did it just disperse?
There's a pipe with platinum filigree in the late wizard's chest. Probably the 'precious' the wraith was going on about.
Thorn: We should break it.
Urlon: Or not touch it.
Lamech: *already stuffing it full with his best weed* What? I need a relaxing smoke after that.
We report back to the missing dwarf's brother outside the cave.
Lamech: But in lighter news we found some boats.
But we have somehow managed to miss the assayer's office in the old mine. Back in we go to find it. And a roomful of animated skeletons.
Lamech: Godsdammit. Hey, Gundrun! You remember how I said we'd killed most of the monsters down here?
Skeletons smashed, we find the mine's old pay locker. Lamech gets to work. After all, if a brilliant physicist like Richard Feynman can take up safe-cracking because he was bored, a gnome sorcerer can because he's an arsehole.
Lamech: They're not thieves tools, honest - the fact that they came with a balaclava and bag labelled 'SWAG' was just part of their novelty value.
GM: You can't go across the underground sea yet - your spellcasters need rest.
Lamech: We can rest in the boats - the NPCs can paddle. It's not like they've done anything else, apart from let that deep gnome get away.
We do indeed find a moaning, near dead dwarf on the far side.
Kavorog: You do realise this is a trap right?
Judicious work by Lamech Judocus reveals two extremely dead bugbears - the ones that kidnapped the dwarf in the first place.
Lamech: Um...
Urlon: Er....
Nonetheless we proceed cautiously.
Dwarf: Save me! Help me, before it comes back!
Lamech: Why is it, that despite the fact that this is an OBVIOUS trap, do we proceed anyway?
Thorn: He's afraid of something called a Wealth-eater.
Urlon: Rust monster?
Lamech: Rust Monsters wouldn't do THAT to the bugbears.
Urlon: Good point.
The thing that emerges from the wall has 3 legs, tentacles, and pairs of eyes. And a very large mouth on top of its presumed head. We retreat at speed - judging by the name, Lamech grabs fistfuls of silver coins from his beltpouch, and waves them over his head yelling.
Urlon: What are you DOING!
Lamech: Trying to distract it. *throws them to one side*
Thorn:Fall back, it only wants our treasure, not our lives.
Lamech: And if Kerak was here this is when he'd grip his axe and yell 'You're not getting either!'
Dwarf:Kill it! Kill it! Kill it, before it comes back with more of its kind! They'll breed and ruin the mine!
Thorn:You're not helping!
Fistfuls of gold appear to be enough to satisfy the monster, which appears intelligent enough to crude sign language. Gundrun is delighted at the recovery of his brother. He's infuriated that we didn't kill the creature.
Gundrun:They infest tunnels! They're worse than Horta! Only the deep gnomes can control them! And do you SEE any deep gnomes around here?
Kavorog: Actually...
Lamech: There WAS one, but you let him get away.