Weddings and the Marriage-Industrial Complex
So my travels continued this Friday when I went home to Pennsylvania for my cousin Brittnie's wedding. Urgh.
Not that I'm not happy for her (woo-hoo!). My issue is that she's MY AGE. Eeek. Also, she and her *now* husband Mark own a house. God, that's so adult. I mean, perhaps if I met and started dating my future mate at 15 and went to cosmetology school instead of college out of state then I'd be ready to marry.
But I didn't and I'm not.
What also irks me is that my other cousin got married last weekend. She's also my age. Didn't go to that for a variety of reasons. One being my sojourn at Hogwarts-Chicago and the second being that the family is pretty sure her husband hits her. Great. Go family!
The three of us spent a lot of time growing up together, being that we're the same age. And now I'm the unmarried one. I would be bitter if I didn't have Michael, but I do so I'm not. I'm weirded out. Since when do people nowadays get married so young? Why is marriage what you're "supposed" to do when you've been with someone a certain amount of time. Like there's an expiration date on out-of-wedlock relationships. I now know 2 or 3 under 30 year-olds who recently got divorced. With the joy that is the Women's Rights Movement(s) and the ability and expectation of women to get an education and get a job, the marriage age has steadily been pushed closer to 30, yet so many people rush to get to the altar ASAFP. And then after a few years or less they rush to their lawyers.
Although it can be messy, painful, and expensive for all parties involved, I am a fan of no-fault divorce. People aren't perfect, they make hasty decisions, and there needs to be a back-up. (I'm not even getting into the wonderfulness of divorces to get out of abusive relationships and how that's helped many women to A. get out and B. not kill their spouses to get out). Even though social conservatives decry the advent of no-fault divorces for the increase in the divorce rate and the general downfall of civilization, I read a few months ago that the "OMG 50% divorce rate OMG!" is a bit of an overestimate. That may mean the rate's closer to 47% or something, but still. (I know I read the stat quoted on Feministing somewhere). Perhaps the huge rate of divorce is alleviating a symptom of our fcuked up culture rather than existing as a symptom on its own.
Take a look at the "women's television" channels, Lifetime, WE, E!, TLC (often women-centric anyway). Notice all those bride shows? Bridezillas; A Wedding Story; Rich Bride, Poor Bride; Bursting Brides (?); etc. We're indoctrinated to get married even more now than 10-15 years ago. Girls still have Wedding Day Barbie, but now 20-somethings have these "reality" shows to remind them that goal one is marriage. I can't even get into the movies dedicated to imparting this heteronormative doctrine to girls and young women. This entry would never end.
All of us are set on this path composed of steps that we "must" take to be "adults." This path in and of itself is also quite class-ist, but since I was raised middle class and because that's the cultural imperative for many people whether they're middle class or not, I consider it relevant here. We're supposed to graduate high school, get into a "good" college, graduate that, maybe get a second degree, get a well-paying job, meet someone (of the opposite sex) and date, get promotions, move in with that S.O., work hard, get married, buy a house, pop out some kids, work harder, send your kids to good schools, support them, retire, nurture your grandkids.
If you spend "too much" time on one step, you're doing something wrong. I can't tell you how many weird looks I get from my dad's side of the family because I'm trying to get my PhD and stay in school for at least 5 more years. I can't imagine the looks I'd get if I wasn't living with Michael. I'm still quite childish to them all. Hell, I'm quite childish in my own eyes. But to them I should be a step or two further along. Brittnie got married because that was her next step, and because she and Mark are so much in love, I hope. But why do we need to keep moving along that path? If I got my PhD, worked at a great university, and never married Michael I'm sure I'd be out of place. Why is marriage so effing important to people?
Ok, I have to finish this entry quick. I just want to point out something specifically about marriage that annoys the eff outta me. When Brittnie and Mark were "announced" after the vows were officiated, they're "Mr. and Mrs. Mark Hopwood"; Brittnie just disappeared. She is no longer her own autonomous being, at least in the language of marriage. I knew she'd change her name, but couldn't they be announced "Mr and Mrs Mark and Brittnie Hopwood"? Is that too radical? It makes my heart shrink a size when women change their names to their husband's name. Why must you do it? You don't belong to him, you're still the same person! It's your freakin name! Keeping your last name doesn't mean you aren't married or that you don't love him. Changing names is just a stupid tradition of women-as-property being transferred from father's ownership to husband's ownership. To paraphrase Levi-Strauss, Marriage is an exchange between two groups of men, with women figuring only as symbolic property traded between them.
But hey, go ahead and get married! Just, please, don't do it because you've been with someone for a certain amount of time. Do it on your own terms. And keep your name!
Not that I'm not happy for her (woo-hoo!). My issue is that she's MY AGE. Eeek. Also, she and her *now* husband Mark own a house. God, that's so adult. I mean, perhaps if I met and started dating my future mate at 15 and went to cosmetology school instead of college out of state then I'd be ready to marry.
But I didn't and I'm not.
What also irks me is that my other cousin got married last weekend. She's also my age. Didn't go to that for a variety of reasons. One being my sojourn at Hogwarts-Chicago and the second being that the family is pretty sure her husband hits her. Great. Go family!
The three of us spent a lot of time growing up together, being that we're the same age. And now I'm the unmarried one. I would be bitter if I didn't have Michael, but I do so I'm not. I'm weirded out. Since when do people nowadays get married so young? Why is marriage what you're "supposed" to do when you've been with someone a certain amount of time. Like there's an expiration date on out-of-wedlock relationships. I now know 2 or 3 under 30 year-olds who recently got divorced. With the joy that is the Women's Rights Movement(s) and the ability and expectation of women to get an education and get a job, the marriage age has steadily been pushed closer to 30, yet so many people rush to get to the altar ASAFP. And then after a few years or less they rush to their lawyers.
Although it can be messy, painful, and expensive for all parties involved, I am a fan of no-fault divorce. People aren't perfect, they make hasty decisions, and there needs to be a back-up. (I'm not even getting into the wonderfulness of divorces to get out of abusive relationships and how that's helped many women to A. get out and B. not kill their spouses to get out). Even though social conservatives decry the advent of no-fault divorces for the increase in the divorce rate and the general downfall of civilization, I read a few months ago that the "OMG 50% divorce rate OMG!" is a bit of an overestimate. That may mean the rate's closer to 47% or something, but still. (I know I read the stat quoted on Feministing somewhere). Perhaps the huge rate of divorce is alleviating a symptom of our fcuked up culture rather than existing as a symptom on its own.
Take a look at the "women's television" channels, Lifetime, WE, E!, TLC (often women-centric anyway). Notice all those bride shows? Bridezillas; A Wedding Story; Rich Bride, Poor Bride; Bursting Brides (?); etc. We're indoctrinated to get married even more now than 10-15 years ago. Girls still have Wedding Day Barbie, but now 20-somethings have these "reality" shows to remind them that goal one is marriage. I can't even get into the movies dedicated to imparting this heteronormative doctrine to girls and young women. This entry would never end.
All of us are set on this path composed of steps that we "must" take to be "adults." This path in and of itself is also quite class-ist, but since I was raised middle class and because that's the cultural imperative for many people whether they're middle class or not, I consider it relevant here. We're supposed to graduate high school, get into a "good" college, graduate that, maybe get a second degree, get a well-paying job, meet someone (of the opposite sex) and date, get promotions, move in with that S.O., work hard, get married, buy a house, pop out some kids, work harder, send your kids to good schools, support them, retire, nurture your grandkids.
If you spend "too much" time on one step, you're doing something wrong. I can't tell you how many weird looks I get from my dad's side of the family because I'm trying to get my PhD and stay in school for at least 5 more years. I can't imagine the looks I'd get if I wasn't living with Michael. I'm still quite childish to them all. Hell, I'm quite childish in my own eyes. But to them I should be a step or two further along. Brittnie got married because that was her next step, and because she and Mark are so much in love, I hope. But why do we need to keep moving along that path? If I got my PhD, worked at a great university, and never married Michael I'm sure I'd be out of place. Why is marriage so effing important to people?
Ok, I have to finish this entry quick. I just want to point out something specifically about marriage that annoys the eff outta me. When Brittnie and Mark were "announced" after the vows were officiated, they're "Mr. and Mrs. Mark Hopwood"; Brittnie just disappeared. She is no longer her own autonomous being, at least in the language of marriage. I knew she'd change her name, but couldn't they be announced "Mr and Mrs Mark and Brittnie Hopwood"? Is that too radical? It makes my heart shrink a size when women change their names to their husband's name. Why must you do it? You don't belong to him, you're still the same person! It's your freakin name! Keeping your last name doesn't mean you aren't married or that you don't love him. Changing names is just a stupid tradition of women-as-property being transferred from father's ownership to husband's ownership. To paraphrase Levi-Strauss, Marriage is an exchange between two groups of men, with women figuring only as symbolic property traded between them.
But hey, go ahead and get married! Just, please, don't do it because you've been with someone for a certain amount of time. Do it on your own terms. And keep your name!