goodnites fistfights death knell screams and killer dreams
saves the day "can't slow down" is still one of the best/happiest records EVER
this whole "life" thing is shady. before you know it it's dec 16th two years from dec 2002 and eight lifetimes worth of shit has gone on including ridiculous amounts of personal changing.
it kinda sucks looking back on "used to be's" and realizing they're "never can be's". for instance I used to be completely content walking around katy mills mall with brendan doing the same thing multiple times a month. or driving around certain areas of houston bullshitting for hours. sometimes you go "man I'd really like to do that again. it was awesome" but there are things youcan try and do and things that just happen. sometimes things change and nomatter how hard you try you just CAN'T feel the same doing the same things. it's called change. and fuck me if it doesn't just randomly happen when youd on't realise it.
it would be awesome to just be AWESOME. or feel certain ways, but it comes down to not actually feeling those ways. wishing and hopeing and thinking, but waking up every morning and feeling *blank*. empty and stupid. not all the time, just sometimes.
but it's okay. you live and die. hurt and feel good. it comes it goes. you belive in life after death or you don't, but no matter what you BELIEVE it doesn't alter the fact that there is only one certain thing that can happen... whatever the fuck is going to happen when you die. so as long as you can get to a spot you feel comfortable hanging out in then it's quite allright.
one day maybe I'll go somewhere and do something. there's only a certain amount of time you can sit around refusing to do something important. five years from know when all my rando conspiracy theories are proved wrong (or true and we're dead/fighting a huge war)then maybe i'll have tired of bullshit and "finish college grabe a wife, dead before i'm 35" and it will beokay. cuz you know what. college and a wife would rule. as long as it was an awesome wife, and college for a reason that feels fun and right.
maybe no college. something that brings money and smiles on a daily basis and i'm straight.
the world is crazy. i wish everyone was happy and chill. no "right or wrong" then I'd have nothing to rebell against maybe? make things a lot easier. no living a life of unintentional martyrdom just to say "HEY I CAN DO THIS IF I WANT".
i weighed myself the other day. i'm down to like 137. i was 145 last time I checked. AWESOME!?!. i'm still as fat as ever stomach wise. just a lot less muscle probably. lazy, plus junkfood, no excersise, stimulant drugs= balance of sorts.
sometimes you drive by places (esp at nights) and get retarted pangs of nostalgia that want to drive you into a stationary position prostrate on the ground. slow you down enough to momentarily lose your mind and spin head around as if to say "IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN GRAB ONTO SOME OF THIS AND HAVE IT BACK?"
late night bike rides.
car rides
park visits
fast food convos
energy from random places mosh and being a dick, but really only wanting to have fun.
being 16,17,18,19 and thinking for some reason there is a feeling I will lose that I can never really get back.
but i always think that. "this is it. this is always. sometime i can only do now and only feel now so i have to have it and if i'm not using every moment possible i'm wasting time. time for what? who knows, but it's wasting and i feel bad about it"
my entire family us crazy. three generations through at least. when you finally start looking at people and the details of how they act you notice a lot of things. as in we're all fucking crazy. in a certain way and i'm the only one who really knowwwwwwws.
how do yo convince an elderly grandma experiencing many aches and pains and depressions to try "illegal" drugs. the ones they give her aren't working. "hey grandma. drink this opium tea and smoke some weed. we'll watch this movie and eat some brownies. you'll feel better than you have in years"
it would be so simple, but the way is forever blocked it seems by ignorance and fear instilled through yearrrrrrs of upbrining and bullshit.
thousands of people in the world and I only really want one. one whose outlook lies somewhat parallel to mine, enough so that everything works out awesome. and somehow I could say "this is everything I always tried to say and make happen everytime before."
love of outdoors a must. willingness to drive to random mountain locations for weeks of hanging out and walking. places you go alone and say "this would be the most amazing spot EVER if I just had someone with me" and not any someone, but the someone that makes all other someones just randos from down the street. the person you keep hangin with at the two week mark when everyone else you know has started to drive you crazy.
what about the involvement of our bullshit government with cocaine imports/distro. you can tahnk the CIA for the crack "epidemic". really a genious idea on so many levels. distribute a drug with INSANE addiction potential. get all the "undesirables" hooked. get them dead or in jail. boosting the economy both ways. jail/prison is just a HUGE scam for you guessed it... money. fuck it gets me so irate. read this shit.
http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/20742/
so much to say. no one worth saying it too.
"bring me back to amazing"
this whole "life" thing is shady. before you know it it's dec 16th two years from dec 2002 and eight lifetimes worth of shit has gone on including ridiculous amounts of personal changing.
it kinda sucks looking back on "used to be's" and realizing they're "never can be's". for instance I used to be completely content walking around katy mills mall with brendan doing the same thing multiple times a month. or driving around certain areas of houston bullshitting for hours. sometimes you go "man I'd really like to do that again. it was awesome" but there are things youcan try and do and things that just happen. sometimes things change and nomatter how hard you try you just CAN'T feel the same doing the same things. it's called change. and fuck me if it doesn't just randomly happen when youd on't realise it.
it would be awesome to just be AWESOME. or feel certain ways, but it comes down to not actually feeling those ways. wishing and hopeing and thinking, but waking up every morning and feeling *blank*. empty and stupid. not all the time, just sometimes.
but it's okay. you live and die. hurt and feel good. it comes it goes. you belive in life after death or you don't, but no matter what you BELIEVE it doesn't alter the fact that there is only one certain thing that can happen... whatever the fuck is going to happen when you die. so as long as you can get to a spot you feel comfortable hanging out in then it's quite allright.
one day maybe I'll go somewhere and do something. there's only a certain amount of time you can sit around refusing to do something important. five years from know when all my rando conspiracy theories are proved wrong (or true and we're dead/fighting a huge war)then maybe i'll have tired of bullshit and "finish college grabe a wife, dead before i'm 35" and it will beokay. cuz you know what. college and a wife would rule. as long as it was an awesome wife, and college for a reason that feels fun and right.
maybe no college. something that brings money and smiles on a daily basis and i'm straight.
the world is crazy. i wish everyone was happy and chill. no "right or wrong" then I'd have nothing to rebell against maybe? make things a lot easier. no living a life of unintentional martyrdom just to say "HEY I CAN DO THIS IF I WANT".
i weighed myself the other day. i'm down to like 137. i was 145 last time I checked. AWESOME!?!. i'm still as fat as ever stomach wise. just a lot less muscle probably. lazy, plus junkfood, no excersise, stimulant drugs= balance of sorts.
sometimes you drive by places (esp at nights) and get retarted pangs of nostalgia that want to drive you into a stationary position prostrate on the ground. slow you down enough to momentarily lose your mind and spin head around as if to say "IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN GRAB ONTO SOME OF THIS AND HAVE IT BACK?"
late night bike rides.
car rides
park visits
fast food convos
energy from random places mosh and being a dick, but really only wanting to have fun.
being 16,17,18,19 and thinking for some reason there is a feeling I will lose that I can never really get back.
but i always think that. "this is it. this is always. sometime i can only do now and only feel now so i have to have it and if i'm not using every moment possible i'm wasting time. time for what? who knows, but it's wasting and i feel bad about it"
my entire family us crazy. three generations through at least. when you finally start looking at people and the details of how they act you notice a lot of things. as in we're all fucking crazy. in a certain way and i'm the only one who really knowwwwwwws.
how do yo convince an elderly grandma experiencing many aches and pains and depressions to try "illegal" drugs. the ones they give her aren't working. "hey grandma. drink this opium tea and smoke some weed. we'll watch this movie and eat some brownies. you'll feel better than you have in years"
it would be so simple, but the way is forever blocked it seems by ignorance and fear instilled through yearrrrrrs of upbrining and bullshit.
thousands of people in the world and I only really want one. one whose outlook lies somewhat parallel to mine, enough so that everything works out awesome. and somehow I could say "this is everything I always tried to say and make happen everytime before."
love of outdoors a must. willingness to drive to random mountain locations for weeks of hanging out and walking. places you go alone and say "this would be the most amazing spot EVER if I just had someone with me" and not any someone, but the someone that makes all other someones just randos from down the street. the person you keep hangin with at the two week mark when everyone else you know has started to drive you crazy.
what about the involvement of our bullshit government with cocaine imports/distro. you can tahnk the CIA for the crack "epidemic". really a genious idea on so many levels. distribute a drug with INSANE addiction potential. get all the "undesirables" hooked. get them dead or in jail. boosting the economy both ways. jail/prison is just a HUGE scam for you guessed it... money. fuck it gets me so irate. read this shit.
http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/20742/
so much to say. no one worth saying it too.
"bring me back to amazing"