(no subject)
man. i love saves the day. "CAN'T SLOW DOWN" is one fucking cruciaaaaaaaaal cd.
i'm gonna go to two shows tonight. and as much as I hate it try and get drunk. why you might ask? because it's something to do. and cheaper and easier to get than any other drugs.
i talked to some psychiatrist last night. he really pissed me off. he refused to prescribe me any stimulants. and said no one else would either. what the fuck? so after talking to me for 35 minutes this $275 (i paid $13. haha) an hour asshole knows me right? rightttt
was talking some stupid shit about how it might lead to psychosis blahblahblah. and i was like "I DO NOT CARE. I DO NOT CARE what happens when i'm 40. i only care what happens TODAY. and MABYE tommorow. NEXT WEEK i have no plans. because sometimes it's a problem just wanting to be alive tommorow" ugh. i was chill at the beginning. but at the end. i just got pissed. cuz it's like. i waisted money and time (money i don't have) on this shit and got nowhere. i feel like i've just been regressing. because i keep talking to peopel. paying them. saying "Fix this shit" and they keep telling me stupid things i allready fucking know. i could be my own god damn doctor at this point. i told that dude that i've tried the legal way. and now i'm just gonna go find what I want from my friends and buy it. i wanted to say a lot more. but i just paid and left. and punched the elevator comming down. i was fucking pisssssssed.
then i went and stole a bunch of shit to resell. yeah i know. smart when i'm on probation right? i don't care so much anymore. if i get caught 100% im' running. and if i get caught 100% i'm fighting someone. and 100% i'm probably going to hurt them. and if i go to jail. so what. i'll get out and run. and never go back.
but i wont' get caught this time. and if i do. oh well. that's tommorow and NOT today. so whatever.
this living shit is getting more and more frustrating everyday. no one listens to what I say. no one helps me. even though i say THIS IS WHAT I WANT. right or wrong... well who knows. the only way to find out is to TRY.
i'm just really pissed. i HATEW being honest. it's always been my downfall. if i would have just bullshitted this dude (and the others) i could get what i want. but i never do that. i just tell the truth. i speak 100% what is on my mind and how i feel.
now this asshole tells me that he can tell i'm genuine. and i'm honest. and i just kinda yell at him "OF COURSE I AM. i'm telling you the fucking treuth about everything. but wher does it get me? nowhere. you saying 'no you can't have this' and sending me on my way to start over again at nothing? what the fuck am i supposed to do? just go home again" and he started talking. and i just said "you know hat. let me pay and leave"
and i did. uhhh.
so now i'm gonna go get DRUNK. thanks doctors. you really listen to me. man. i'm really starting to understand why people do fake suicides they know won't go through. jyust so some motherfucker will listen and realize "HEY I"M NOT FUCKING AROUND. i'm serious. this shit sucks"
but with my luck no one would ever find me. and i'd really just die. which isn't what i want. i just want a better life. and i can't seem to find it. whatever. i'm done looking.
DONNYBROOK tonight. then LOVESPONGE and drunk.
and then hopefully a wreck on the way home?
living alone is worthless. and i hate my dad for always being a really distant shitty dad. go be gay and live your own life. be a 47 year old teenager. i HOPE you die alone and misreable.
i'm gonan spend the rest of the day searching for dried out poppy pods. so i can see what's up with some opium tea. if it sucks then i'm just gonna find some opium. yeah. but that's harder and more expensive. plus you can get smokeable opium out of these dried pods. i'm just not sure how good it turns out. i really don't care anymore... to acertain extent.
I think that tonight I will sneak into your house and I'll sing songs and wake you up and I'll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges and you'll say you don't want want to be with me 'cause no one ver does and no one ever thinks of me that way but I will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you and if you promise me that I'm good enough for someone
i'm gonna go to two shows tonight. and as much as I hate it try and get drunk. why you might ask? because it's something to do. and cheaper and easier to get than any other drugs.
i talked to some psychiatrist last night. he really pissed me off. he refused to prescribe me any stimulants. and said no one else would either. what the fuck? so after talking to me for 35 minutes this $275 (i paid $13. haha) an hour asshole knows me right? rightttt
was talking some stupid shit about how it might lead to psychosis blahblahblah. and i was like "I DO NOT CARE. I DO NOT CARE what happens when i'm 40. i only care what happens TODAY. and MABYE tommorow. NEXT WEEK i have no plans. because sometimes it's a problem just wanting to be alive tommorow" ugh. i was chill at the beginning. but at the end. i just got pissed. cuz it's like. i waisted money and time (money i don't have) on this shit and got nowhere. i feel like i've just been regressing. because i keep talking to peopel. paying them. saying "Fix this shit" and they keep telling me stupid things i allready fucking know. i could be my own god damn doctor at this point. i told that dude that i've tried the legal way. and now i'm just gonna go find what I want from my friends and buy it. i wanted to say a lot more. but i just paid and left. and punched the elevator comming down. i was fucking pisssssssed.
then i went and stole a bunch of shit to resell. yeah i know. smart when i'm on probation right? i don't care so much anymore. if i get caught 100% im' running. and if i get caught 100% i'm fighting someone. and 100% i'm probably going to hurt them. and if i go to jail. so what. i'll get out and run. and never go back.
but i wont' get caught this time. and if i do. oh well. that's tommorow and NOT today. so whatever.
this living shit is getting more and more frustrating everyday. no one listens to what I say. no one helps me. even though i say THIS IS WHAT I WANT. right or wrong... well who knows. the only way to find out is to TRY.
i'm just really pissed. i HATEW being honest. it's always been my downfall. if i would have just bullshitted this dude (and the others) i could get what i want. but i never do that. i just tell the truth. i speak 100% what is on my mind and how i feel.
now this asshole tells me that he can tell i'm genuine. and i'm honest. and i just kinda yell at him "OF COURSE I AM. i'm telling you the fucking treuth about everything. but wher does it get me? nowhere. you saying 'no you can't have this' and sending me on my way to start over again at nothing? what the fuck am i supposed to do? just go home again" and he started talking. and i just said "you know hat. let me pay and leave"
and i did. uhhh.
so now i'm gonna go get DRUNK. thanks doctors. you really listen to me. man. i'm really starting to understand why people do fake suicides they know won't go through. jyust so some motherfucker will listen and realize "HEY I"M NOT FUCKING AROUND. i'm serious. this shit sucks"
but with my luck no one would ever find me. and i'd really just die. which isn't what i want. i just want a better life. and i can't seem to find it. whatever. i'm done looking.
DONNYBROOK tonight. then LOVESPONGE and drunk.
and then hopefully a wreck on the way home?
living alone is worthless. and i hate my dad for always being a really distant shitty dad. go be gay and live your own life. be a 47 year old teenager. i HOPE you die alone and misreable.
i'm gonan spend the rest of the day searching for dried out poppy pods. so i can see what's up with some opium tea. if it sucks then i'm just gonna find some opium. yeah. but that's harder and more expensive. plus you can get smokeable opium out of these dried pods. i'm just not sure how good it turns out. i really don't care anymore... to acertain extent.
I think that tonight I will sneak into your house and I'll sing songs and wake you up and I'll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges and you'll say you don't want want to be with me 'cause no one ver does and no one ever thinks of me that way but I will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you and if you promise me that I'm good enough for someone