Memory Lane
Memory Lane
I tightened my laces and straightened, stretching as I did. I flipped through the music in my MP3 player, smiling a little at the music Cassie had added. She was always getting on me about all the time I spent in the mountain, telling me I’m “out of touch” with anything new and popular. She had obviously taken it upon herself to keep me up-to-date. I chose a song with a good beat, and started running. I didn’t have a destination in mind, just the need to blow off some steam.
My feet pounded a steady beat on the pavement and my mind wandered - a luxury I didn’t typically afford myself. After a decade of seeing and doing things most people didn’t even dream about, letting my thoughts wander could always be a little dangerous.
As I listened to the music Cassie had downloaded for me my thoughts naturally turned to her. I could still see her in my mind, that scared - but very brave - little girl we found on Hanka. The tempestuous teen, sneaking out to kiss boys on the front porch. The young woman struggling with the loss of her adoptive mother . . . I physically shook my head, trying to chase those thoughts away. One song ended and another began; the song following it jolted my thoughts back to the past . . .
“Four years later time goes by fast
Got my memories and they will last
I try to keep it simple cause I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself
That I, I will remember you . . .”
I felt my footsteps stutter, breaking my stride, as memories I had for so long hidden away came rushing to the surface. A memory of the bittersweet moment when I read my eulogy at Janet’s memorial service rushed unbidden and unwelcomed to the surface of my mind.
I stopped for a second and rested my hands on my knees. I felt like I had been sucker punched in the stomach and had to take a few deep breaths to settle down again.
“Oh God” I groaned. “A little warning would’ve been great, Cass!” I mumbled under my breath. I took one more deep breath and started running again. Naturally, my thoughts gravitated back to memories of Janet.
I remembered standing on the ramp in the ‘gate room and looking to SG-1 for the strength to deliver my eulogy for Janet. That’s when it really struck me that we each owed her our lives. She never gave up, whether it was saving Cassandra, twice, from Nirrti, or Teal’c from Machello’s Goa’uld killing inventions.
All the hours she stayed by Daniel’s side when he came back through the gate with severe radiation poisoning; giving in only when she had exhausted every possible, and even every impossible, option.
Janet working tirelessly to find a cure, experimenting on then-Colonel O’Neill, when we were all affected by the virus from the Land of Light. Janet backing me up when we realized we had to kill Jack to save him when he was essentially skewered to the wall of the ‘gate room by the alien orb.
And me? I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for Janet. And where to start? Jolinar, the entity, Antarctica . . . the list goes on. All the lives she saved - all of us going on to do our jobs without a second thought. All of us failing Janet the one and only time that it really counted . . .
“We’re a picture in my mind
And when I want to find you
I just close my eyes
You’ll never be that far from me
So don’t say goodbye
Cause you’ll never be that far from me
I’m telling myself
That I, I will remember you . . .”
I could feel that old anger and frustration bubbling back to the surface and I mentally shook myself, reminding myself that I had battled and conquered those demons long ago. I know there was nothing any of us could have done to save her, and going down that road again now would not change that.
I couldn’t stop the few tears that escaped but I gave up that fight long ago too. Images of Janet played though my mind like an old home movie.
Janet’s trip through the gate to Hanka. Janet looking at us all like we’d lost our minds when we were “infested” by Urgo. Janet just looking at us like we’d lost our minds in general . . . her misgivings about Anise and those damn armbands - you were right about that one Janet!
Of course, she usually was right about those sorts of things - just enough removed from the situation to see things more clearly than we could. And never lacking the backbone to stand up to any and all of us, especially Jack or General Hammond. The memory of those stand-offs between Janet and General Hammond make me chuckle a little; she certainly was a feisty little thing! And tough!
The memory of Janet standing in front of Nirrti, gun calmly pointed at her, comes forward. She would have killed Nirrti without a second though if anything had happened to Cassie that much we all understood about Janet . . .
“You were there when I needed a friend
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
Yeah thank you, thank you
I will remember you . . . “
I started to run faster, pushing myself harder. It was almost like I was trying to outrun all of these memories. Of all of SG-1, I think I was the closest to Janet, although I was pretty sure that Daniel was quickly catching up . . . We were starting to get the feeling that something was going on between them, but none of us thought to ask until it was too late.
Janet never hesitated to ask, she was the first one to come to me and question my objectivity when Jack was stranded on Edora. And she was there to support me and pick up the pieces for me over and over again when I needed it. I was closer to Janet than I’ve been to anyone since my mother.
Sure, Dad and I got close once he joined with Selmak, and Mark and I worked on our relationship, but no one “got” me like Janet did. Whether it was helping me cope with knowing that Jolinar had given her life to save me or having the strength to honor my living will; or even respecting my decision to “keep it in the room” (no matter how ill advised that turned out to be).
Memories of girls’ nights, both in with Cassie and out on the town came flooding back. I had always been grateful that Janet and I could manage to maintain separate personal and professional relationships. It had always helped having someone who really understood; someone with the same security clearance, to talk to.
Janet’s unwavering support when Hathor took over the men of the SGC helped give me the confidence to do what needed to be done to get the SGC and our men back. And now as I looked back I realized that I had never told her thank you or let her know that I cared - that I loved her, that she was my family. Sure, she knew it, just as definitely as I knew how she felt, but I never took the time to say it. . .
I slowed down and looked around, taking in my surroundings in a daze, like someone who had just woken from a deep sleep. It took a minute for me to fully realize where I was. I had run to the cemetery and had stopped in front of Janet’s tombstone. I knelt down and ran my fingers over the name and dates engraved upon it. I could feel my throat tighten as tears welled in my eyes.
“God Janet, I miss you!” I whispered to her stone. I felt the tears flow freely down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother wiping them away. These were all I had left to give Janet, and I did so willingly.
“There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what you would say or do. I’ve never been good at this . . . “I snorted a small laugh. “But you know that, don’t you? Anyway, I should have told you a long time ago how much you mean to me. To tell you what a huge difference you made in my life - even beyond saving it so many times. I should’ve been able to do more to save you . . . we all feel that way . . . a part of me knows we did all we could, but I still feel like I should have been able to do more . . . “ my voice trailed off. I have no idea how long I sat in front of Janet’s tombstone, wrapped up in my thoughts . . .
“So I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we’ve gone through
There is so much I could say
But words get in the way
So, when we’re not together I will remember
When we’re not together, I will remember
I will remember you”
The memories kept playing like a movie through my mind as I sat there, just staring at her stone. My cell phone rang and I started, letting it pull me reluctantly back to the present.
“Hello?” I answered after I pulled my headphones from my ears. I smiled when I heard the voice on the other end of the line. “Hey Cass! Yeah, I have time to talk. You’ll never believe where I am. Oh and by the way . . . about that music on my MP3 player . . .“
fin.