I *finally* get it
A while back I posted my testimony. Only I didn't really quite get it yet...I just felt like I needed to get it all out there. At least the part I had already figured out. (You can read that post here)
Since March/April, I've been focusing on my relationship with God. I've been working on having faith and letting go; letting God take the wheel and be in the driver's seat. It's been a challenge, to say the least - I'm a total type A control freak who suffers major anxiety in the face of change or transition. I live by routine, schedules, and knowing what to expect next. Letting God be in charge and not micromanaging everything is really hard for me. But I'm doing it, day by day and sometimes minute by minute.
I've been seeking the Holy Spirit. I want to be filled by Him. To live a godly life and to act in a manner that brings honor and glory to God.
I haven't really felt that anything has changed inside me. I've changed the way I make choices, I've eliminated a lot of those things that I know aren't good for me or healthy. I've tried to avoid temptation as much as possible. And I still haven't felt like I've been touched by the Holy Spirit...not in a way that has any lasting effect.
Until this past weekend. And then I had an epiphany.
I got an email Friday from J that had me fuming mad. And I vented on here, talked to a couple friends and cleaned my apartment. Then I decided that I wanted to go have a drink or two to unwind. After re-reading the email again I got all angry again and decided that I was in the mood to "make bad decisions" and told my friend that I went out with as much. Her response? "You're a big girl. Go for it."
So I had more drinks than I should have and took advantage of an opportunity even though I really wasn't interested in the guy. And in the midst of kissing and groping (sorry if that's TMI but the story can't be told otherwise) I realized I just really wasn't into it. Not at all interested in any of it - didn't need it - didn't want it. No shame, no guilt, no "this isn't a good idea" just....peace in the fact that I'm good all on my own and don't need some random guy to make out with me to make me feel good about myself or to feel desired. So I backed up, told him I was sorry but I didn't want this, and moved away. (to his credit, he was very understanding and respected my choice. no hurt feelings or attitude.). And then it hit me...I don't need all that other stuff because I *have* been touched and filled by the Holy Spirit. And now that I have that, I don't *need* all the other stuff I used to need.
Does this mean I don't eventually want a relationship and (eventually) kissing and all that goes with it? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I'm not longer in a hurry to find it. I have faith that it will find me when the time is right. Does this mean I'm going to stop flirting and checking guys out? Probably not...I mean, I am only human and I love to flirt. But I won't be pushing a relationship.
For now I'm content with who I am and what I have. I feel a peace and a calm like I've never felt before. I have joy - overflowing, abundant joy.
My life, as I've said before, is far from perfect. I'm still fighting a custody battle that makes me sick to my stomach. I'm still feeling heartbreak over my impending divorce and the changes I see in the man who promised to love me forever. But the joy takes that and kinda gobbles it up. I'm choosing faith, trust and hope over despair, defeat and depression. I can get through this because I have God on my side, handling it all. It may not happen quickly - He make take His good old time. But I trust that everything that's happening is happening for a reason - He has a plan - and the reasons will bring me and the boys out of this stronger and more able to face any other challenges that come our way. I see Him moving in my life in little ways everyday (and sometimes in some big ways). He is faithful.
It's not always easy to meet the negative with love and joy. It's not always easy to trust. But I'm gonna keep on keeping on and plug away at it. Because right now, I feel ready to take on the world. To set it on fire.
I've never been one to openly discuss my faith, or to talk about God and spirituality. I'm not comfortable sitting down with someone and randomly having the "God talk", but I feel like the way I'm presenting myself now is showing his presence in my life. And that's an amazing place to be.