here unfortunately
I had a good weekend at home. (julianne if you read this sorry i didn't stop by to see you, i was just really busy)
I got a backpack!!!! I'm excited about that! It's big too, i could do a week long trip with it if I wanted. And then, my dad and i went hiking saturday morning, yes in the snow, yes we're crazy, yes it was a lot of fun. Saturday night was the chili party, yes a chili party, lol. But I didn't eat chili, because i'm vegitarian, so they made me yummy veggie pasta-ie casoralie thingy. It was good and apple pie for desert. Then i had breakfast with Emma. It was so good to see her. so good. i miss her so much.
it was immediately after i gave emma a final hug goodbye that i lost it.
i walked away about ready to cry. as soon as i left her, i felt the space around me, up and down the street as i walked to my car. having to go back to my hard shell, its something i've been developing at school. that hard shell you put on to keep yourself content being independent and alone. like running constantly through a war zone, you run and run with all your armor and all your ammo, until you reach someone you love and trust. So that you can take a breath for a minute and feel safe, until its time to say goodbye and you start battling your way through again.
but the emptiness,
the lack of someone,
just hit me and i blew up everything . . . .
so wrapped up in my thoughts, i forgot to stop at the bank
and when i got home i couldn't stop hating myself and my situation right now . . . . . sure that there is something wrong with me . . . . knowing there is something wrong with me.
i feel broken.
i told emma if i didn't have her and my other friends and Strauss, my darling strauss . . . i wouldn't be able to take life anymore.
so i got home and ate more food then i've eaten in the past week. disgusting amounts of food. until i was soooooo sick.
in a daze i just reached for more and more.
maybe in an attempt to feel something solid and sure in my life.
maybe to feel the pain in my stomach so that i couldn't think.
i didn't want to go back to school later when i woke up.
3 hours of driving later.
here i am.
blah.
I got a backpack!!!! I'm excited about that! It's big too, i could do a week long trip with it if I wanted. And then, my dad and i went hiking saturday morning, yes in the snow, yes we're crazy, yes it was a lot of fun. Saturday night was the chili party, yes a chili party, lol. But I didn't eat chili, because i'm vegitarian, so they made me yummy veggie pasta-ie casoralie thingy. It was good and apple pie for desert. Then i had breakfast with Emma. It was so good to see her. so good. i miss her so much.
it was immediately after i gave emma a final hug goodbye that i lost it.
i walked away about ready to cry. as soon as i left her, i felt the space around me, up and down the street as i walked to my car. having to go back to my hard shell, its something i've been developing at school. that hard shell you put on to keep yourself content being independent and alone. like running constantly through a war zone, you run and run with all your armor and all your ammo, until you reach someone you love and trust. So that you can take a breath for a minute and feel safe, until its time to say goodbye and you start battling your way through again.
but the emptiness,
the lack of someone,
just hit me and i blew up everything . . . .
so wrapped up in my thoughts, i forgot to stop at the bank
and when i got home i couldn't stop hating myself and my situation right now . . . . . sure that there is something wrong with me . . . . knowing there is something wrong with me.
i feel broken.
i told emma if i didn't have her and my other friends and Strauss, my darling strauss . . . i wouldn't be able to take life anymore.
so i got home and ate more food then i've eaten in the past week. disgusting amounts of food. until i was soooooo sick.
in a daze i just reached for more and more.
maybe in an attempt to feel something solid and sure in my life.
maybe to feel the pain in my stomach so that i couldn't think.
i didn't want to go back to school later when i woke up.
3 hours of driving later.
here i am.
blah.