(no subject)
it's been two days and i've been in my own space for a total of 10 minutes. went to carl's last night and it freaked me out. that house was so reminiscent of my own childhood. no electricity, everything scattered around, beer cans in abundance. birds in the ceiling. it was only missing the wasp nests, although i'm sure those might show up in the summer time. seeing pictures of those children on the walls, their drawings, their toys. it all made me think too much, but i sat in there for a good hour by myself. i needed to really think about it and come to terms. hasn't happened yet, and i don't expect it to anytime soon but it was a start. my childhood home has been renovated. it no longer has that distinctive "trashy shithole" look to it. what remains of my early life is an abandoned vegetable garden and a gnarled thorn tree. that's it. i destroyed all my pictures of my father and threw away everything that reminded me of that place. it was cathartic at the time, but now it just makes me think that nothing ever happened there. i never lived there. perhaps it's better this way.