Fic: No footprint too small (1/1)

Nov 21, 2016 23:03

Title: No footprint too small
Fandom: Murder Call
Characters: Imogen "Tootsie" Soames, Tessa Vance, Steve Hayden, Original characters
Prompt: 055. Spirit
Word Count: 2528
Rating: PG-13 (T)
Summary: "There is no footprint too small to leave an imprint on this world." (Author unknown) Child cases were always the worst and more so now than before.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. They belong to Jennifer Rowe, Hal McElroy and Southern Star. I make no profit out of this.

Warning: Implied child death.

Author's note: Needed to get some stuff out after hearing about a police case that's really depressing and terrifying to even consider. That case and the one indicated in this oneshot are not related. The only similarity is that a child/children was involved.



NO FOOTPRINT TOO SMALL
Child cases were always the worst and more so now than before. Tessa could see how it tore his defences down, how Steve responded by shrouding himself in moroseness and taciturnity, and how their lack of progress created a dark never-ending circle of frustration and self-loathing that could spin out of control with just the slightest push.

When she’d been younger, she’d been able to compartmentalise better; had managed to gain distance he couldn’t and balanced his emotional involvement with her role-reversal distant, reasoned clarity. These days, however, age, experience and something much more deep-rooted had changed her and she could honestly say she wasn’t the same as before.

“I thought I could do this, Toots, but...” Standing with her back against the transparent plastic covering the entry to the autopsy lab, Tessa wrapped her arms tightly around her chest. There was a deep uneasiness in her bones and she shifted restlessly on her feet, almost close to tears. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever be sorry,” Tootsie said immediately and laid a hand firmly on her shoulder. “This job of ours is hard enough. If you wish, you can go wait in my office or go back to Homicide. I’ll bring you the case file once my examination is complete. And Tessa?” Tessa looked at her, ashamed of her own tears. “There’s no shame in knowing your limits. We all have them.”

Tessa knew that, but it wasn’t always easy to believe it. As a police officer and a Homicide detective, she was supposed to be able to deal with cases like this, no matter how gory, terrifying or devastating. She’d always strived for it, a characteristic that’d bothered Steve a great number of times, even to the brink of nearly driving a permanent wedge between them.

After becoming a mother, however, she’d started seeing the world with entirely new eyes. The potential dangers transcribed into real dangers lurking everywhere, with her gaze constantly scrutinising their surroundings. Steve called it the ‘lioness’ instinct. All Tessa knew was that it could either be a strength or a curse, and right now it was a curse, filling her head with poisonous ‘what ifs’.

“I’ll head back to Homicide, then,” Tessa told Tootsie, wiping the corners of her eyes.

“All right.” Tootsie gave a small smile, more for comfort than anything else, and squeezed Tessa’s shoulder tightly before letting go. “I will give you a call when I’m on my way, okay?”

“Thank you.”

Although she was grateful to her friend, Tessa couldn’t shake off her uneasiness as she watched Tootsie disappear through the plastic flaps into the autopsy lab where Fisk and Tootsie’s assistants were already at full work. She caught a glance of a small, white face in between their bodies, and quickly turned away, having seen enough at the crime scene itself.

With shaky hands, Tessa pulled out her cell phone and dialled Steve on automatic. “Hey, it’s me. Tootsie’s started her examination. She’ll come update us when she’s finished.” She paused, listening to Steve’s curt but hesitant questions at the other end. “No, I don’t know anything more right now. I-.” She inhaled sharply, keeping the fresh tears at bay. “I couldn’t do it, so I’m on my way back. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

She hung up as soon as she heard the touch of sympathy in his voice. It only made it worse right now, and she wouldn’t be able to get through this day if she let herself go. She needed to hold on, at least for a couple of more hours until she could head home and put this behind her for a while.

This isn’t the time or the place, Tessa, she told herself, breathing deeply to calm her racing heart as she began to find her way out of the morgue. Close it down.

***

By the time he got home, Steve had worn himself to a shadow. The walk from his car and up the steps to the front door felt like an eternity, and as soon as he entered the house, he was assaulted by high-pitched screaming and crying amidst a really loud TV set.

“Great…” Steve mumbled in frustration, spending as much time as he could while undiscovered to remove his shoes and winter coat. All he’d wanted was some peace and quiet, something good to expel the darkness of today, to decompress, but he recognised those sounds and he knew he wasn’t ready to face that yet.

So, with no preamble, he strode back out into the cold and sat down on the front steps, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Fortunately, the driveway was sheltered by bushes and a low brick wall, so no one would be able to spot him unless they stood right in front of him.

He knew Tessa would’ve heard him enter and consequently exit, and he knew she’d stay clear until he was ready to come back in, no matter how frustrated she might be herself. That was their agreement. It hadn’t been necessary when it’d just been the two of them, or when Christine had been just a baby and they could’ve just walked straight in and dealt with things there, but that wasn’t the case anymore. As two police officers, they knew how important it was to acclimatise before facing their family, especially children.

Most days, the drive home would be enough for him, but today wasn’t like other days. Their victim was only a year older than Christine and that fact had bothered him - had bothered both of them - all day. So he needed to decompress, to get his worst emotions out, before he inflicted it unintentionally on his own children.

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, Steve willed his pulse down and his thoughts back into their tidy compartments, and instead focused on the cold that was seeping into his bones and the relatively silence of their neighbourhood. It helped to clear his mind, to hit the pause button on some of his thoughts, even if it took a while.

Eventually, he pulled out his smartphone and did what he always did when he needed some extra reminders for why he stuck with this job: he opened the Photo app and flipped through the images stored there. Some were screenshots, but most were daily or at least weekly snapshots and videos of his family.

Christine on her little pink bicycle with training wheels.

Thomas crawling on his belly across the floor.

Tessa making funny faces that sent both Christine and Thomas into hysterical giggles.

Christine dropping a kiss on Thomas’ bald head. Thomas’s face scrunched up in startled surprise and looking as if the action was enough to make him cry.

Christine happily singing along to some Disney tune on the telly, with accompanying dance moves, and her insistent calls for him to join in.

Thomas trying Steve’s homemade baby food for the first time and promptly catapulting it out of his mouth and all over the kitchen table, with Tessa’s roar of laughter echoing in the background.

All of those little, precious moments made him smile. It never failed. And once he felt the cold begin to bother him and that he was once more aware of his surroundings in a different manner than before, Steve got up and went back into the house.

It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, but he knew their importance and recognised it in how he didn’t get frustrated again at Christine’s crying-turned-shouting. As soon as Tessa noticed him, she gave him a knowing - though slightly exasperated - look that he returned, and let him go to deal with the temper tantrum that was their daughter at the moment while she continued to rock a close-to-tears Thomas on her hip.

“She hit her brother when he took one of her toys,” Tessa supplied succinctly as Steve leaned close for a quick kiss. “So I told her she wouldn’t get to watch any telly tonight if she didn’t behave and apologise.”

“All right,” Steve said quietly, then gave Thomas a big smile and a long kiss on his forehead, earning him a hesitant smile in return. “Hey buddy. You going off to bed now?”

“Yep.” Tessa sighed, looking every bit as exhausted as he still felt. “I was just waiting for you to get here.”

“I’ll talk to her. You go on.” Hating the worn lines on Tessa’s face, Steve leaned closer for another, this time longer, kiss. It wouldn’t dispel anything right now, but he just wanted to show he cared and it worked. Tessa gave him a small smile. “Want some coffee after?”

“Sounds good.” Hefting Thomas a little further up on her hip, Tessa turned and disappeared down the hall to the bedrooms.

Steve turned to the living room where Christine was now throwing the couch pillows all over the floor. Although he wanted nothing more than to sweep her up and hug her tight, he knew it wasn’t any point right now. So, metaphorically rolling up his sleeves, he approached her.

***

Even before she’d finished readying Thomas for the night, Tessa could hear Christine had quietened down. At some level, it annoyed her that Steve could be away all day and swoop in to calm down his daughter when she’d tried for half an hour already, but at the same time, she was just happy to hear the silence.

“All right, buddy, time to get some sleep.” Tessa gave Thomas a smile, tickling his bare feet, and enjoyed the giggle he let out at the touch. “And no waking Mommy at three in the morning, okay?”

Thomas just began to blabber happily, his pacifier half bursting out of his mouth. Tessa laughed and picked him up.

They exited the bathroom quietly and wandered down the hallway to Thomas’ bedroom after momentarily wondering if they’d go say goodnight. Tessa decided against it, just in case seeing her brother would upset Christine again; she could hear her daughter’s low whines that told her she wasn’t entirely happy with her Daddy either right now.

Fortunately, Thomas nodded off quickly about half-way through Tessa’s lullaby. She didn’t leave immediately, though, instead just taking this precious moment to enjoy the calm silence and let her subdued frustration bleed away with Thomas’ heavy breathing.

Today had been an awful day, and she knew it’d be one to stick with her for some time. Even with Tootsie’s clinical autopsy report, Tessa hadn’t been able to keep her imagination from filling in the blanks, and those images were still there, along with the information any parent didn’t want to hear. It all rushed back to her now as she covered her face with her hand and let the tears fall as quietly as she could.

She didn’t know how long she was there, letting it all out, only that Steve eventually knocked carefully on the door.

“Christine’s in her room.” Voice quiet, Steve stepped inside and closed the door behind him, a cup of coffee in his hand. “You all right?”

“I’ll get there,” Tessa said honestly since there wasn’t any point denying it. “How about you?”

Sighing deeply, Steve shrugged and held out the cup to her. “I’ll get there.”

Not having anything else to say right now, Tessa accepted the coffee gratefully, as well as the hand Steve offered to pull her up from her chair and into a one-armed hug. Sniffling, she let herself breathe in the scent of him and enjoy his comfort like she hadn’t been able to do at the office.

Back there, they were Homicide detectives, professionals. At home, they were husband and wife, parents to two children. Those roles were very different and sometimes, like today, felt incompatible. It was the life they’d chosen, though, the day they’d signed on to become police officers.

“How’s Christine?” Tessa drew back and leaned up to give him a kiss.

“Sullen, but calm.” Steve smiled tiredly and snuck a sip from her coffee. “I made her clean up the mess she made and she’s ready to apologise.”

“Good.” Again, a part of her was annoyed that Steve seemingly handled that situation so much better than her, but Tessa quelled it and instead merely gave him an eye roll and a teasing, “Miracle worker.”

Steve chuckled as they left Thomas’ bedroom. “I wish.”

***

Both of them being in bed by ten was the best testament to their mutual exhaustion. Although parenthood had forced Tessa to become more conscious of her sleeping habits, she usually wasn’t able to sleep until at least after eleven, no matter how sleepy she might be.

Today, as they both knew, was different. They usually didn’t cuddle this much before sleep either, but they needed the closeness, the reassurance that they had each other, that they were all right, and that they’d be able to cope with the next day too.

“I can’t stop thinking ‘what if’…” Tessa finally muttered, her throat sounding thick with unshed tears, and Steve tightened the hold he had on her, his own throat clenching painfully.

“I know. I’ve had the thought too.” Pulling her even closer, Steve kissed Tessa’s temple, inhaling her scent in an effort to calm his racing heart. “But Christine’s safe. Thomas is safe. We’re all safe.” Another kiss. “They’re safe and they know they’re loved.”

Tessa sniffled, her body trembling with her quiet tears. It was clear she didn’t find the words to the rest of her thoughts, just like Steve found himself speechless now, but they were used to that by now. Not every thought could be voiced, not every action carried out. All that mattered was that they were there, together, sharing the curse of knowledge and experience rather than being divided by it.

“We’ll find who did it,” Steve muttered firmly, not allowing himself to believe anything else. “We’ll hold them accountable.”

“I know.” Tessa’s trembles calmed down and her voice cleared up a little. In the darkness, he could see her tilt her head up to face him and her voice was firmer, more resolute, than before. “I know.”

Steve allowed himself a little smile. That was the kind of resolution that’d made him fall in love with her. That and her crazy hunches, her ability to keep him on his toes, and her passionate approach to everything in life, whether it was a case, rock climbing, their children, or him.

“Love you, Tess.” Too tired for anything else, Steve just gave her a soft kiss before pulling back.

“Love you too,” Tessa said, a smile clear in her tone, and she shifted back until she was cuddled against him once more, though not as tight as before. “Let’s get some sleep. Thomas is probably gonna wake up in five hours.”

“I’ll get him if he does.”

Tessa snorted and poked his ticklish area. “As if. You slept through it the last time it was your turn.”

Steve chuckled and hugged her close. “Then I give you permission to kick me out of bed if I don’t get up. Just this once.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that,” Tessa teased, and Steve knew she would.

FIN

genre: angst, pairing: tessa/steve, genre: family, length: oneshot, fandom: murder call, 100-fic challenge

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