Fic: Insubordination (1/1)
Title: Insubordination
Fandom: Murder Call
Characters: Tessa Vance, Steve Hayden
Prompt: 038. Touch
Word Count: 5084
Rating: PG-13
Summary: She knew it was coming. The way his jaw was set and his hard eyes were staring stoically at the floor confirmed his behaviour in the car earlier, and she simply waited for the blow to come.
Author's Note: This was originally meant to be part of a larger story, but suffered greatly from a years-long writer's block that still hasn't let up. As such, I'm posting this part instead as a separate story. It is set in a future where there have been a few changes in Homicide. (Thorne and Steve have both moved up the ranks, and Tessa and Steve have gotten a few new colleagues - Benny and Chris. A woman named Hobbs has also taken Thorne's position when he moved up.)
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. They belong to Jennifer Rowe, Hal McElroy and Southern Star. I make no profit out of this.
She knew it was coming. The way his jaw was set and his hard eyes were staring stoically at the floor confirmed his behaviour in the car earlier, and she simply waited for the blow to come. It would eventually. Though she dreaded it actually happening-she hated to see him angry, especially when it was because of her-Tessa knew she would prefer having his feelings out in the open instead of being given the silent treatment. At least then she knew what or who her enemy was and she could deal with it.
Stepping away from the doorway of Room Three and closing the door behind her, Tessa studied Steve’s rigid shoulders and the way he sat at the edge of the examination table cradling his bandaged left arm. By the way his back straightened, she knew he was preparing himself. She looked down on the floor, hands wrung nervously behind her back.
None of them said anything for the first few moments. At last, when Steve spoke, his voice rose quickly in tone and temper, “What in the blazes were you thinking?”
Tessa did not reply, simply because she knew it would not matter what she said, and also because she did not know what to say. What had she been thinking?
You were thinking about that body in the harbour. You couldn’t let go of him. You never can.
“I told you,” said Steve, his voice bristling in barely controlled energy, “‘it’s not our case anymore.’ We were told to let it go. We were told to leave Donovan alone!” He flung his arms out, features immediately contorting in pain as he quickly grasped his left arm.
Tessa took an unconscious step forward, throat thick and heart stabbing into her chest. “I’m so-“ she began to say, but Steve cut her off, whirling his head in her direction, eyes wild and dark. ”Dammit, Tessa! You could have DIED!” he yelled angrily, his voice reverberating off the walls of the sterile hospital room. “Why can’t you ever listen to me?”
Tessa shrunk away from him, arms hanging down at her sides, her eyes beginning to burn.
Steve jumped off the examination table, taking a step towards her, waving his good arm while holding the other tight to his chest, “Why do you ALWAYS have to be so bloody reckless? You’re always rushing in and you don’t give a rat’s ass about back-up or consequences - you just want to get in there! Is it so HARD to stop for a moment to THINK? The man’s a bloody crime lord, Tessa! That’s spelled ‘dangerous’. DANGEROUS!”
Tessa blinked. Steve’s presence loomed threateningly above her. The air was crackling with energy, none of it good; she almost forgot how to breathe.
“I was just-“
“No!” interjected Steve, snapping a hand up. “Save your excuses and explanations for Hobbs - I don’t want to hear them!” He glared at her for another second before twirling on his heels with a “gah!” and striding to the other side of the room. He turned as soon as he reached the other side, exasperated. “I just can’t believe it, Tessa - we’ve been partners for eight years and you still haven’t changed a bit! You’re still reckless, obsessed, stubborn and showing no concern for whose lives you endanger by throwing yourself into situations without thinking!”
Tessa squeezed her eyes shut as hot, silent tears flowed down her cheeks. She brought her arms up to hug her upper body tightly, body shaking all over. Her legs felt weak and her jaw was quivering. She found the wall at her back and kept her head down as she half-blocked out Steve’s continued verbal assaults at her person.
“-I’m your supervisor now, not just your partner! I can’t cover for-“
Her mind was reeling, waves of guilt and embarrassment rushing through her. Her whole body was aching as well-her legs from exertion, her elbow where it had been slammed into the concrete, her back from where Steve’s weight had landed . . .
“-Hobbs will have my hide, and what can I tell her? ‘Sorry, I let my detective-“
God, how could she have been so stupid? Steve was right. She had been reckless and obsessed, like she always had. Eight years and she was still the same, whereas he had stayed that one step ahead of her. He was her supervisor and she had jeopardised his position by sidestepping his direct order and following her own moral code.
“-mean, you could have gotten yourself KILLED! They were FIRING on-“
Tessa caught up to that last snippet, opening her eyes and finding her black, scraped shoes. What did she care that SHE had nearly died? Her obsession and stubborn streak had landed them both in this situation. Steve had only been there to get her out, to save her from losing her job, and what had he received in return? A chunk of his arm had been shot off. Right now Tessa did not care whether Steve got in trouble with Hobbs - HE could have died, and it would have been all her fault. Skip that, it was all her fault.
God, he must hate me so much.
That thought hurt Tessa more than she could have imagined. Steve was her best friend-losing him was . . . a horrible, horrible thought.
Struggling to control her trembling, Tessa tipped her head up and found Steve facing her, his good arm once more cradling his injured one. He looked like he had wanted to say something but suddenly stopped; his mouth was half-open. His eyes were still hard and dark, however, and Tessa could not for the life of her see how she could make good what had obviously been broken.
“I warned you,” said Steve lowly. “I told you not to get involved. It was the feds’ investigation, not ours, but you never listen-you just jump in and expect everything to sort themselves out in the end.“
He paused, taking a step towards her. Unconsciously, Tessa pressed herself against the wall. Steve tilted his head slightly, peering at her with narrowed eyes.
“You know what your problem is, Tessa?” asked Steve finally. “You’ve been lucky. You’ve always gotten out of trouble with barely any scrape. It’s made you complacent,” he added with a touch of steel. “You might be invincible, Tessa, but the rest of us are just flesh and blood. When we get hurt, we bleed.”
An air of finality fell over them. They locked eyes. Steve’s uncompromising and unrelenting stare won the battle. Tessa bowed her head down once more, tears still flowing freely, taking a deep breath. She let go of her white-knuckled grip on her upper arm with one hand and reached up to wipe the tear tracks off. An ounce of control returned to her once her hot cheeks were relatively dry. Raising her chin up, Tessa met Steve’s expressionless face with a bravado she did not know she possessed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, inwardly wincing at her slightly croaky voice. “I really am. I messed up. Big time. I never thought-“ She paused, taking a small breath, “I never thought people were gonna get hurt. I’m-I’m sorry you got hurt.”
Her voice broke at the final word and she turned her head quickly away lest he saw her tears in free fall again. Pushing off the wall, Tessa wiped her cheeks and nose with the sleeve of her sweater. She turned towards the door.
“I’ll leave you alone now,” said Tessa demurely, barely looking over her shoulder, hand already on the doorknob. “See you tomorrow.”
She fully intended to go through that door, but just as she opened the door and started pulling it towards her, something yanked her arm away and twirled her around. Tessa barely got a glimpse of Steve’s face before she was wrapped tightly in his strong arms, her own trapped against his broad chest.
“God, Tess . . .” he whispered immediately into her ear. “I thought I was going to lose you.”
Tessa was shocked. Her back was stiff and screaming against the arms pulling her tighter and tighter. Her neck tensed and she could hardly remember to breathe.
He was supposed to be angry with her! Why was he saying those words so-so-so fearfully? Like he was afraid. But Steve was angry. He had just spent long moments shouting at her, nearly screaming. He wasn’t supposed to snuggle into the crook of her neck like that, or breathing down her neck so shivers ran cold down her spine . . .
As her legs grew weaker, Tessa found no will in her to struggle against Steve’s grip, and she even thought it was pretty good to be held like that. As if she had been the one lying on the ground bleeding and in need of comfort . . .
Tessa let herself sink into Steve’s arms, thankful when he loosened his grip so she could slip her arms around him and hug him back. As his hug tightened again, she fisted her hands in his shirt and snuggled into the warm, strong chest as if her life depended on it. Before she could restrain herself, she was shaking and crying silently once more, but Steve held her hard, almost too hard. He did not speak another word, but he dropped a kiss on her neck and nuzzled his nose into her hair. Instinctively, Tessa sought upwards, dragging her face across his chest until she reached his shoulder. She found his neck and Steve’s overwhelming scent drifted through her nostrils just as he breathed down her neck, making her shiver-whether from crying or something else, Tessa didn’t know, but she knew she needed more. This was not enough.
Dragging her arms slowly around his chest, Tessa snaked them up and around his neck, forcing her to stand on tiptoe. Steve’s arms fell down to her waist, pulling her closer and connecting the lower region of their stomachs.
The effect was immediate.
Tessa turned her head and suddenly Steve’s lips were touching her neck, her cheek, the corner of her lips . . .
The kiss was first merely a peck, then a firm press, then soft and moving, then insisting, then hot and wet . . . Tessa pushed further up on her toes, pulling him ever closer, needing the contact, the connection-needing it like she needed air. And Steve complied, tightening his grip around her waist, helping her up, never losing the touch of her lips even as Tessa slipped slightly and had to steady herself. Only a small smile and they were kissing again, Tessa’s hands raking through his hair, steering his head just slightly to the-
“Well, Mr Hayden! It seems-oh! I’m sorry!”
Tessa’s eyes widened as she broke away from Steve, who looked stunned and even a bit . . . annoyed? They locked eyes and Tessa’s heart caught in her throat at the domineering emotion flashing in Steve’s dark orbs.
“Should I come back?” asked the stranger’s voice hesitantly and both of them snapped out of it.
Tessa turned her back almost immediately, taking several steps away from Steve and only meeting the doctor’s eyes briefly in passing as she practically bolted from the room.
***
The ride home could not be explained any other way than ‘awkward’. Neither of them had said a word since they ran into each other outside the hospital earlier.
After her initial bolt, Tessa had taken a trip outside to get some fresh air and sort out her thoughts. As expected, she had no idea what she really was thinking, but one thing that kept recurring was that it had all been a fluke. They had been down this road before, after all, though they had never allowed it to get so far as it did earlier.
She acknowledged the fact her nerves had been standing on end since she saw the three men be shot earlier and the consequent escape from their killer, but that was it. They had needed that contact, both of them, but not because of some higher ulterior motive other than needing some reassurance they were still alive. That’s what the logical part of Tessa’s brain was telling her, even though her stomach was fluttering and her blood pounding like a teenager after her first date.
When she had seen Steve come out of the hospital, looking as calm and stoic as ever, Tessa had quickly buried whatever emotion had been raging in her and regained that faithful professional mask. She asked him if he wanted her to give him a ride home, he said ‘yes, thank you’, and that was it.
Sitting in the car, however, Tessa’s neck, shoulder, back and even hands were tense as wire and there was no hiding it. Surprisingly, though, Steve had not mentioned it. He simply sat quietly in the front passenger seat, cradling his arm and staring out on the passing streets and buildings.
It was Thursday night and people were already out on the streets, hitting the clubs and pubs. Tootsie, Fisk, Dee, Chris and Benny were probably at the bar now, enjoying after-shift drinks and sharing funny anecdotes about someone or something.
Tessa did not feel like joining them. She would much rather prefer to go home and try to forget tonight had ever happened, which was a very difficult task seeing as all she could taste and smell was Steve.
God, not only had she been kissing her supervising Sergeant, she had practically jumped him! She could feel it in her bones that there had been rubbing, as electricity buzzed beneath her skin seeking fulfilment. In one fluid motion she had probably thrown both her friendship and career out the window.
You weren’t the only one in that kiss; you know that. You both took control.
‘But he’s a man.’
Bad excuse.
Tessa shook her head, willing the thoughts away. It was hard. Very much like telling a dog to stop barking. She always had her mind on overdrive. That was why she had trouble sleeping. There was too much going on inside her head.
A sudden honk startled her out of her train of thought and Tessa only had a fraction of a second to realise she had almost violated the give-way rule. She stood on the brake and the car screeched to a halt.
Damn, that’s the second time!
Tessa watched as the offended driver blinked his headlights at her before speeding down the street. She took a deep breath, put the gear in first and drove on.
Steve still said nothing. She felt like he was waiting for something, but she could not understand what. What could she say without messing things up further?
Fortunately, Arthur Street was in her eyesight and she gladly took the turn down the slightly shabby road until slowing down in front of Steve’s two-storey house. As the car came to a halt, she let the engine run, hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel. Self-consciously, she let one hand fall into her lap, hoping she appeared not as tense as she was.
Tessa looked over at Steve, who was fiddling with his seatbelt. Once he was free, he glanced at her, his face covered in shadows. She had no idea what he was thinking.
“So . . . will you be okay?” she asked awkwardly, trying to smile, trying to be brave, trying not to be the train wreck she felt like.
“Yeah,” said Steve after a short moment. “I’ll be all right. They gave me some strong painkillers, so I’ll probably be out like a light soon enough.” He sounded calm, if not a bit stilted.
“That’s good,” agreed Tessa, at the same time cursing the way one night had turned them down to almost basic line of communications. It felt wrong in every possible way. Dejected, she cast a glance at the road, knowing it would probably get her the effect she wanted.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” mumbled Steve, turning awkwardly to open the door with his good hand. Soon he was out of the car, leaning down slightly in polite gratitude. “Thanks for the ride.”
“No problem,” replied Tessa. “Tomorrow then.”
Steve nodded and then closed the door with a small bang. Drawing her eyes away from him, Tessa put the car in gear and set off down the road before she could think twice.
It was for the better for both of them. Neither of them was thinking clearly tonight. They could talk tomorrow after some sleep and coffee. Go about this night logically, reasonably.
And utterly pathetically.
Tessa ran a hand across her face, eyes beginning to burn again. There was nothing she could do about it. She had messed up so much tonight already. She could always handle a reprimand or even a transfer, but not losing her best friend. Not losing Steve.
You almost lost him tonight. You were prepared to leave him, yet he held you back. Shouldn’t that mean something?
If it did, Tessa had no idea what, or else she did not want to entertain the thought for long. Getting her hopes up was something she had gotten burned for many times in the past. Eventually she had learned to just stop hoping and start being realistic.
The fact of the matter was that they had been partners and friends for eight years-she was not about to jeopardise that by doing something foolish. Besides, Steve was high on painkillers; he probably did not even know what he had been doing in that hospital room. Just like that other time he had been shot and lay in the ambulance telling her how beautiful eyes she had . . .
‘It’s the drugs talking,’ she had told the emergency worker, embarrassed.
And yet . . . the man had replied, ‘I haven’t given him any’.
The memory stirred something in her and Tessa practically slammed on the brake just before reaching the end of the street.
Leaning her head against the wheel, she let out a soft sigh while blinking away unshed tears. She should not be driving; she was too distant and too tense. The other alternative was to cave and go back, or be stubborn and continue. But after tonight’s events . . .
Tessa did not want to be alone. She was sick of being alone, of coming home to an empty apartment after a horrible day at work, of sleeping with loneliness as her bedmate and dreaming of finding the one man who could fill up that emptiness inside her.
The kiss earlier reminded her that she had been single for seven or eight years now, not counting the few dates or affairs she had been convinced to participate in. She was 36 years old, married to her job, and ignoring her emotions.
One thing she could not ignore was the quivering electricity thrumming underneath her skin . . . Tessa knew her body was screaming for release, but what awaited her at home could only satisfy her partially.
Making a split-second decision, Tessa backed the car into a nearby drive and swung it around to face the other direction. She made a conscious decision not to think too much as she sped down the road again, the knots in her back getting knots as she grew more and more tense.
As Steve’s house came into her sight, Tessa stopped; putting the car in park while the engine still ran.
She looked at her watch. It had been only ten minutes. She really was desperate.
Sitting in the dark of the night staring up at the lit windows, Tessa started to second-guess her impulsive decision. She should back out now, before Steve heard the engine and saw she was simply sitting there, like a stalker. This had been a stupid idea. What had she been thinking, really? The man was high on painkillers and not in any condition to-
A knock on her window startled her out of her thoughts. Tessa stared wide-eyed up at a dark silhouette, and swallowed when the door opened. Steve leaned down between the body of the car and the door, his face barely visible in the darkness.
“You coming in or are you gonna sit here all night?” he asked with a touch of gentleness and seriousness.
Busted. Try and get yourself out of this one.
In reply, Tessa nodded and turned off the engine. Steve stepped aside to let her out and went ahead of her into the house. Tessa followed more hesitantly in his wake, locking the car behind her, anticipation twisting her stomach.
Soft light met her as she stepped across the threshold. Steve had already made his way into the kitchen and had two cups of tea ready on the counter. He poured hot water into the cups and picked them up.
“Here.” He handed her one of the cups. His face was expressionless. “You should drink it.”
Not knowing what to say, Tessa simply thanked him and drank the scalding tea. Meanwhile her mind went on overdrive in order to find some explanation to Steve’s obvious trust in her return. She could find none, that is if she thought it through logically. If she took the other approach . . .
“Am I that easy to read?” she asked with a touch of frustration in her voice. Steve leaned against the kitchen counter, bandaged arm resting in the crook of his elbow.
“If you’re talking about your little trip to the harbour earlier, then yes. You’re easy to read.” Steve’s face did not change as he spoke. “If you’re talking about the tea . . . I had no idea you were gonna sit out in front of my house.”
Confused, Tessa cradled her teacup in both hands. “Then . . . why?”
“I always have two cups ready on the counter,” replied Steve obviously, and this time amusement shone in his eyes. “You never know when you’re gonna get visitors.”
For some reason, it made Tessa smile. The guileless look on his face eventually drew a giggle out of her, and her stomach jumped gloriously in response when he grinned.
“I guess that’s some farmer’s tradition,” teased Tessa, feeling slightly more at ease. The way Steve’s eyes kept staring at her, however, made her withdraw her look and glance elsewhere.
They drank their tea for a moment more and then Steve spoke up, “Why’d you come back?” He was still looking at her oddly. Tessa squirmed underneath his stare, her insides fluttering.
“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. She did not know what else to say. It was not like she could just up and admit what her impulse had been in that second it took her to turn the car around. She did not want to be that desperate.
The sound of a cup meeting a counter top made Tessa glance up and she tensed when she saw Steve approaching her slowly. Her grip on her own cup tightened.
“Was it because of tonight?” asked Steve lowly, stepping around her. Tessa did not dare to turn around, afraid of what she would see. Besides, this way she would not have to see his response to her answer.
“Yes.”
“That’s a bit ambiguous,” chided Steve and Tessa could feel his presence close by. She felt like being watched, like being under scrutiny for some test. When Steve did not continue to speak, Tessa tensed.
Defensively, she replied, “This isn’t easy, you know.”
“Why not?” retorted Steve, suddenly standing close by. Tessa finally turned, mustering whatever willpower and bravery she had. She met his eyes.
“Because it’s something we’ve never said anything about before. Because I’m terrified I’m going to mess up again.”
Confused, Steve tilted his head. “Mess up? When did you mess up?”
“Earlier!” hissed Tessa, waving her hand into the air for emphasis. “When I ignored your orders and consequently landed myself in a shipload of trouble, of which I came out with only a sore elbow and some bruises, but which you came out with a brand new gunshot wound!”
“Well, it wasn’t very smart,” agreed Steve, but he sounded too blasé about it, too casual. Tessa was frustrated.
“Is that all? You yell at me for ten minutes and now it’s suddenly all right?”
“I didn’t say it was all right,” he replied, “I only said it wasn’t very smart. But I’m done yelling at you.” He paused, mulling something over. “Frankly, I hate it. I hate the fact that me being your supervisor means I have to chew you out when you do something stupid. I hate that it also means I can’t comfort you afterwards because I was the one who made you cry. I never wanted to make you cry.”
“That’s just me being silly,” argued Tessa feebly. “I deserved everything you threw at me. I was everything you said I was.”
“But that’s not all you are, Tess,” said Steve softly, stepping closer. He brushed away a stray tear trickling down her cheek. “You’re smart, funny, compassionate, pretty . . . I should have said those things too. I wanted to say them earlier. When those guns started firing . . . I thought we were done for.”
Tessa let her tears fall freely as anticipation coiled in her belly. “Is that why you hugged me?”
Steve hesitated. “Partly,” he admitted. He took a deep breath. “Tess, we’ve been in a lot of dangerous situations before, but tonight . . . I was really terrified. I think I yelled at you not only because you needed a bit of a chew, but also because you scared the hell out of me. I thought I was going to lose you. I had a bad feeling when I realised you’d run off, and I kept imagining what had happened to you. When I found you alive and well, I was relieved, but then they came after us-I heard the shots whine over our heads and I kept thinking: ‘this is it. This time we won’t make it.’”
“But we did,” interjected Tessa, feeling a need to brighten the solemn atmosphere. “We made it.”
Steve smiled then. “Yes, we did. This time.” He paused for another fraction, and then looked at her seriously. “What did you mean when you said you came because of something we have never spoken about before?”
Tessa wavered, feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. She could feel it in her entire being that this was is. Now was the time for truth. Only problem was, how could she phrase something she did not have entirely sorted out logically in her brain?
“I-I-“ she halted, pausing in frustration when she could not find the words. Steve continued to stare expectantly at her, his eyes glazing over with that same odd emotion she had witnessed earlier, but not the one that had scared her away from the hospital room. That one had been of an entirely different calibre.
Putting down the teacup she had forgotten in her hands, Tessa decided words would not be enough to convey her half-understood reason for coming back. In two steps she was inside Steve’s personal space, peering at him hesitantly for a second before bravely tiptoeing and touching her lips to his.
It was merely a brief kiss, but it still made her neck tense and her stomach full of butterflies. She met Steve’s dark eyes, witnessing the transformation from surprise to pleasure, and finally dared to smile when he grinned down at her.
“That’s what you wanted to say?” he said and his tone was teasing. Tessa felt safe to roll her eyes.
“Not all,” she responded, reaching up to kiss him again.
This time his arms snaked around her waist and pulled her close as Tessa flung her arms around his neck. The kiss deepened, growing in intensity just like before in the hospital room. Steve’s lips were soft and insisting, and Tessa’s heart was pounding in her throat by the time they pulled back.
“Some things really say more than a thousand words,” claimed Steve with a teasing smile. Tessa grinned, feeling like a teenager.
“That’s an understatement,” she agreed, then sobered up, releasing her grip on his shoulders. “So what happens now?” she asked nervously.
Steve looked nervous as well. “I don’t know. It’s not something we can take back.” He paused, his arms falling down to hang at his sides. Tension crackled the air. “I guess I have to ask: what do you want?”
Tessa swallowed, tears filling her eyes. “I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted thickly. “Does that make me pathetic?”
“If it does, I’d say it makes us both pathetic,” said Steve, smiling briefly. He shifted slightly on his feet, taking a moment to gather his wits about him. When he next looked at her, Tessa saw that scary and wondrous emotion that had filled his eyes in the hospital room. “I was really scared tonight,” he whispered, reaching up to stroke her cheek with his thumb. “I know at least one thing, Tess, and that’s that I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either,” said Tessa, giving him a teary smile. The thumb running down her cheek was comforting, warm and inviting. “You’re my best friend, Steve, and I don’t want to ruin that just because I’m feeling the blues and running high on adrenaline.”
“So what do we do?” asked Steve lowly.
“I don’t know,” said Tessa. “My mind’s all fuzzy. I can’t think straight.” Even so, Tessa knew what her body was telling her. It wanted to lean into Steve’s touch and drown in his scent.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” suggested Steve slowly. “Think straight, I mean. Maybe we should forgo the reasonable approach and just . . .” he drifted off, but his meaning was clear in the dark of his eyes.
“What about tomorrow?” asked Tessa hesitantly, afraid.
Steve cupped her cheek in his palm. “Let’s not worry about that. Let’s agree to let tomorrow happen tomorrow and tonight happen tonight.”
Tessa smiled nervously. “Sounds romantic,” she mumbled teasingly. She peered up at him. “Okay.”
Steve’s grin was infectious.
END
Fandom: Murder Call
Characters: Tessa Vance, Steve Hayden
Prompt: 038. Touch
Word Count: 5084
Rating: PG-13
Summary: She knew it was coming. The way his jaw was set and his hard eyes were staring stoically at the floor confirmed his behaviour in the car earlier, and she simply waited for the blow to come.
Author's Note: This was originally meant to be part of a larger story, but suffered greatly from a years-long writer's block that still hasn't let up. As such, I'm posting this part instead as a separate story. It is set in a future where there have been a few changes in Homicide. (Thorne and Steve have both moved up the ranks, and Tessa and Steve have gotten a few new colleagues - Benny and Chris. A woman named Hobbs has also taken Thorne's position when he moved up.)
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. They belong to Jennifer Rowe, Hal McElroy and Southern Star. I make no profit out of this.
She knew it was coming. The way his jaw was set and his hard eyes were staring stoically at the floor confirmed his behaviour in the car earlier, and she simply waited for the blow to come. It would eventually. Though she dreaded it actually happening-she hated to see him angry, especially when it was because of her-Tessa knew she would prefer having his feelings out in the open instead of being given the silent treatment. At least then she knew what or who her enemy was and she could deal with it.
Stepping away from the doorway of Room Three and closing the door behind her, Tessa studied Steve’s rigid shoulders and the way he sat at the edge of the examination table cradling his bandaged left arm. By the way his back straightened, she knew he was preparing himself. She looked down on the floor, hands wrung nervously behind her back.
None of them said anything for the first few moments. At last, when Steve spoke, his voice rose quickly in tone and temper, “What in the blazes were you thinking?”
Tessa did not reply, simply because she knew it would not matter what she said, and also because she did not know what to say. What had she been thinking?
You were thinking about that body in the harbour. You couldn’t let go of him. You never can.
“I told you,” said Steve, his voice bristling in barely controlled energy, “‘it’s not our case anymore.’ We were told to let it go. We were told to leave Donovan alone!” He flung his arms out, features immediately contorting in pain as he quickly grasped his left arm.
Tessa took an unconscious step forward, throat thick and heart stabbing into her chest. “I’m so-“ she began to say, but Steve cut her off, whirling his head in her direction, eyes wild and dark. ”Dammit, Tessa! You could have DIED!” he yelled angrily, his voice reverberating off the walls of the sterile hospital room. “Why can’t you ever listen to me?”
Tessa shrunk away from him, arms hanging down at her sides, her eyes beginning to burn.
Steve jumped off the examination table, taking a step towards her, waving his good arm while holding the other tight to his chest, “Why do you ALWAYS have to be so bloody reckless? You’re always rushing in and you don’t give a rat’s ass about back-up or consequences - you just want to get in there! Is it so HARD to stop for a moment to THINK? The man’s a bloody crime lord, Tessa! That’s spelled ‘dangerous’. DANGEROUS!”
Tessa blinked. Steve’s presence loomed threateningly above her. The air was crackling with energy, none of it good; she almost forgot how to breathe.
“I was just-“
“No!” interjected Steve, snapping a hand up. “Save your excuses and explanations for Hobbs - I don’t want to hear them!” He glared at her for another second before twirling on his heels with a “gah!” and striding to the other side of the room. He turned as soon as he reached the other side, exasperated. “I just can’t believe it, Tessa - we’ve been partners for eight years and you still haven’t changed a bit! You’re still reckless, obsessed, stubborn and showing no concern for whose lives you endanger by throwing yourself into situations without thinking!”
Tessa squeezed her eyes shut as hot, silent tears flowed down her cheeks. She brought her arms up to hug her upper body tightly, body shaking all over. Her legs felt weak and her jaw was quivering. She found the wall at her back and kept her head down as she half-blocked out Steve’s continued verbal assaults at her person.
“-I’m your supervisor now, not just your partner! I can’t cover for-“
Her mind was reeling, waves of guilt and embarrassment rushing through her. Her whole body was aching as well-her legs from exertion, her elbow where it had been slammed into the concrete, her back from where Steve’s weight had landed . . .
“-Hobbs will have my hide, and what can I tell her? ‘Sorry, I let my detective-“
God, how could she have been so stupid? Steve was right. She had been reckless and obsessed, like she always had. Eight years and she was still the same, whereas he had stayed that one step ahead of her. He was her supervisor and she had jeopardised his position by sidestepping his direct order and following her own moral code.
“-mean, you could have gotten yourself KILLED! They were FIRING on-“
Tessa caught up to that last snippet, opening her eyes and finding her black, scraped shoes. What did she care that SHE had nearly died? Her obsession and stubborn streak had landed them both in this situation. Steve had only been there to get her out, to save her from losing her job, and what had he received in return? A chunk of his arm had been shot off. Right now Tessa did not care whether Steve got in trouble with Hobbs - HE could have died, and it would have been all her fault. Skip that, it was all her fault.
God, he must hate me so much.
That thought hurt Tessa more than she could have imagined. Steve was her best friend-losing him was . . . a horrible, horrible thought.
Struggling to control her trembling, Tessa tipped her head up and found Steve facing her, his good arm once more cradling his injured one. He looked like he had wanted to say something but suddenly stopped; his mouth was half-open. His eyes were still hard and dark, however, and Tessa could not for the life of her see how she could make good what had obviously been broken.
“I warned you,” said Steve lowly. “I told you not to get involved. It was the feds’ investigation, not ours, but you never listen-you just jump in and expect everything to sort themselves out in the end.“
He paused, taking a step towards her. Unconsciously, Tessa pressed herself against the wall. Steve tilted his head slightly, peering at her with narrowed eyes.
“You know what your problem is, Tessa?” asked Steve finally. “You’ve been lucky. You’ve always gotten out of trouble with barely any scrape. It’s made you complacent,” he added with a touch of steel. “You might be invincible, Tessa, but the rest of us are just flesh and blood. When we get hurt, we bleed.”
An air of finality fell over them. They locked eyes. Steve’s uncompromising and unrelenting stare won the battle. Tessa bowed her head down once more, tears still flowing freely, taking a deep breath. She let go of her white-knuckled grip on her upper arm with one hand and reached up to wipe the tear tracks off. An ounce of control returned to her once her hot cheeks were relatively dry. Raising her chin up, Tessa met Steve’s expressionless face with a bravado she did not know she possessed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, inwardly wincing at her slightly croaky voice. “I really am. I messed up. Big time. I never thought-“ She paused, taking a small breath, “I never thought people were gonna get hurt. I’m-I’m sorry you got hurt.”
Her voice broke at the final word and she turned her head quickly away lest he saw her tears in free fall again. Pushing off the wall, Tessa wiped her cheeks and nose with the sleeve of her sweater. She turned towards the door.
“I’ll leave you alone now,” said Tessa demurely, barely looking over her shoulder, hand already on the doorknob. “See you tomorrow.”
She fully intended to go through that door, but just as she opened the door and started pulling it towards her, something yanked her arm away and twirled her around. Tessa barely got a glimpse of Steve’s face before she was wrapped tightly in his strong arms, her own trapped against his broad chest.
“God, Tess . . .” he whispered immediately into her ear. “I thought I was going to lose you.”
Tessa was shocked. Her back was stiff and screaming against the arms pulling her tighter and tighter. Her neck tensed and she could hardly remember to breathe.
He was supposed to be angry with her! Why was he saying those words so-so-so fearfully? Like he was afraid. But Steve was angry. He had just spent long moments shouting at her, nearly screaming. He wasn’t supposed to snuggle into the crook of her neck like that, or breathing down her neck so shivers ran cold down her spine . . .
As her legs grew weaker, Tessa found no will in her to struggle against Steve’s grip, and she even thought it was pretty good to be held like that. As if she had been the one lying on the ground bleeding and in need of comfort . . .
Tessa let herself sink into Steve’s arms, thankful when he loosened his grip so she could slip her arms around him and hug him back. As his hug tightened again, she fisted her hands in his shirt and snuggled into the warm, strong chest as if her life depended on it. Before she could restrain herself, she was shaking and crying silently once more, but Steve held her hard, almost too hard. He did not speak another word, but he dropped a kiss on her neck and nuzzled his nose into her hair. Instinctively, Tessa sought upwards, dragging her face across his chest until she reached his shoulder. She found his neck and Steve’s overwhelming scent drifted through her nostrils just as he breathed down her neck, making her shiver-whether from crying or something else, Tessa didn’t know, but she knew she needed more. This was not enough.
Dragging her arms slowly around his chest, Tessa snaked them up and around his neck, forcing her to stand on tiptoe. Steve’s arms fell down to her waist, pulling her closer and connecting the lower region of their stomachs.
The effect was immediate.
Tessa turned her head and suddenly Steve’s lips were touching her neck, her cheek, the corner of her lips . . .
The kiss was first merely a peck, then a firm press, then soft and moving, then insisting, then hot and wet . . . Tessa pushed further up on her toes, pulling him ever closer, needing the contact, the connection-needing it like she needed air. And Steve complied, tightening his grip around her waist, helping her up, never losing the touch of her lips even as Tessa slipped slightly and had to steady herself. Only a small smile and they were kissing again, Tessa’s hands raking through his hair, steering his head just slightly to the-
“Well, Mr Hayden! It seems-oh! I’m sorry!”
Tessa’s eyes widened as she broke away from Steve, who looked stunned and even a bit . . . annoyed? They locked eyes and Tessa’s heart caught in her throat at the domineering emotion flashing in Steve’s dark orbs.
“Should I come back?” asked the stranger’s voice hesitantly and both of them snapped out of it.
Tessa turned her back almost immediately, taking several steps away from Steve and only meeting the doctor’s eyes briefly in passing as she practically bolted from the room.
***
The ride home could not be explained any other way than ‘awkward’. Neither of them had said a word since they ran into each other outside the hospital earlier.
After her initial bolt, Tessa had taken a trip outside to get some fresh air and sort out her thoughts. As expected, she had no idea what she really was thinking, but one thing that kept recurring was that it had all been a fluke. They had been down this road before, after all, though they had never allowed it to get so far as it did earlier.
She acknowledged the fact her nerves had been standing on end since she saw the three men be shot earlier and the consequent escape from their killer, but that was it. They had needed that contact, both of them, but not because of some higher ulterior motive other than needing some reassurance they were still alive. That’s what the logical part of Tessa’s brain was telling her, even though her stomach was fluttering and her blood pounding like a teenager after her first date.
When she had seen Steve come out of the hospital, looking as calm and stoic as ever, Tessa had quickly buried whatever emotion had been raging in her and regained that faithful professional mask. She asked him if he wanted her to give him a ride home, he said ‘yes, thank you’, and that was it.
Sitting in the car, however, Tessa’s neck, shoulder, back and even hands were tense as wire and there was no hiding it. Surprisingly, though, Steve had not mentioned it. He simply sat quietly in the front passenger seat, cradling his arm and staring out on the passing streets and buildings.
It was Thursday night and people were already out on the streets, hitting the clubs and pubs. Tootsie, Fisk, Dee, Chris and Benny were probably at the bar now, enjoying after-shift drinks and sharing funny anecdotes about someone or something.
Tessa did not feel like joining them. She would much rather prefer to go home and try to forget tonight had ever happened, which was a very difficult task seeing as all she could taste and smell was Steve.
God, not only had she been kissing her supervising Sergeant, she had practically jumped him! She could feel it in her bones that there had been rubbing, as electricity buzzed beneath her skin seeking fulfilment. In one fluid motion she had probably thrown both her friendship and career out the window.
You weren’t the only one in that kiss; you know that. You both took control.
‘But he’s a man.’
Bad excuse.
Tessa shook her head, willing the thoughts away. It was hard. Very much like telling a dog to stop barking. She always had her mind on overdrive. That was why she had trouble sleeping. There was too much going on inside her head.
A sudden honk startled her out of her train of thought and Tessa only had a fraction of a second to realise she had almost violated the give-way rule. She stood on the brake and the car screeched to a halt.
Damn, that’s the second time!
Tessa watched as the offended driver blinked his headlights at her before speeding down the street. She took a deep breath, put the gear in first and drove on.
Steve still said nothing. She felt like he was waiting for something, but she could not understand what. What could she say without messing things up further?
Fortunately, Arthur Street was in her eyesight and she gladly took the turn down the slightly shabby road until slowing down in front of Steve’s two-storey house. As the car came to a halt, she let the engine run, hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel. Self-consciously, she let one hand fall into her lap, hoping she appeared not as tense as she was.
Tessa looked over at Steve, who was fiddling with his seatbelt. Once he was free, he glanced at her, his face covered in shadows. She had no idea what he was thinking.
“So . . . will you be okay?” she asked awkwardly, trying to smile, trying to be brave, trying not to be the train wreck she felt like.
“Yeah,” said Steve after a short moment. “I’ll be all right. They gave me some strong painkillers, so I’ll probably be out like a light soon enough.” He sounded calm, if not a bit stilted.
“That’s good,” agreed Tessa, at the same time cursing the way one night had turned them down to almost basic line of communications. It felt wrong in every possible way. Dejected, she cast a glance at the road, knowing it would probably get her the effect she wanted.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” mumbled Steve, turning awkwardly to open the door with his good hand. Soon he was out of the car, leaning down slightly in polite gratitude. “Thanks for the ride.”
“No problem,” replied Tessa. “Tomorrow then.”
Steve nodded and then closed the door with a small bang. Drawing her eyes away from him, Tessa put the car in gear and set off down the road before she could think twice.
It was for the better for both of them. Neither of them was thinking clearly tonight. They could talk tomorrow after some sleep and coffee. Go about this night logically, reasonably.
And utterly pathetically.
Tessa ran a hand across her face, eyes beginning to burn again. There was nothing she could do about it. She had messed up so much tonight already. She could always handle a reprimand or even a transfer, but not losing her best friend. Not losing Steve.
You almost lost him tonight. You were prepared to leave him, yet he held you back. Shouldn’t that mean something?
If it did, Tessa had no idea what, or else she did not want to entertain the thought for long. Getting her hopes up was something she had gotten burned for many times in the past. Eventually she had learned to just stop hoping and start being realistic.
The fact of the matter was that they had been partners and friends for eight years-she was not about to jeopardise that by doing something foolish. Besides, Steve was high on painkillers; he probably did not even know what he had been doing in that hospital room. Just like that other time he had been shot and lay in the ambulance telling her how beautiful eyes she had . . .
‘It’s the drugs talking,’ she had told the emergency worker, embarrassed.
And yet . . . the man had replied, ‘I haven’t given him any’.
The memory stirred something in her and Tessa practically slammed on the brake just before reaching the end of the street.
Leaning her head against the wheel, she let out a soft sigh while blinking away unshed tears. She should not be driving; she was too distant and too tense. The other alternative was to cave and go back, or be stubborn and continue. But after tonight’s events . . .
Tessa did not want to be alone. She was sick of being alone, of coming home to an empty apartment after a horrible day at work, of sleeping with loneliness as her bedmate and dreaming of finding the one man who could fill up that emptiness inside her.
The kiss earlier reminded her that she had been single for seven or eight years now, not counting the few dates or affairs she had been convinced to participate in. She was 36 years old, married to her job, and ignoring her emotions.
One thing she could not ignore was the quivering electricity thrumming underneath her skin . . . Tessa knew her body was screaming for release, but what awaited her at home could only satisfy her partially.
Making a split-second decision, Tessa backed the car into a nearby drive and swung it around to face the other direction. She made a conscious decision not to think too much as she sped down the road again, the knots in her back getting knots as she grew more and more tense.
As Steve’s house came into her sight, Tessa stopped; putting the car in park while the engine still ran.
She looked at her watch. It had been only ten minutes. She really was desperate.
Sitting in the dark of the night staring up at the lit windows, Tessa started to second-guess her impulsive decision. She should back out now, before Steve heard the engine and saw she was simply sitting there, like a stalker. This had been a stupid idea. What had she been thinking, really? The man was high on painkillers and not in any condition to-
A knock on her window startled her out of her thoughts. Tessa stared wide-eyed up at a dark silhouette, and swallowed when the door opened. Steve leaned down between the body of the car and the door, his face barely visible in the darkness.
“You coming in or are you gonna sit here all night?” he asked with a touch of gentleness and seriousness.
Busted. Try and get yourself out of this one.
In reply, Tessa nodded and turned off the engine. Steve stepped aside to let her out and went ahead of her into the house. Tessa followed more hesitantly in his wake, locking the car behind her, anticipation twisting her stomach.
Soft light met her as she stepped across the threshold. Steve had already made his way into the kitchen and had two cups of tea ready on the counter. He poured hot water into the cups and picked them up.
“Here.” He handed her one of the cups. His face was expressionless. “You should drink it.”
Not knowing what to say, Tessa simply thanked him and drank the scalding tea. Meanwhile her mind went on overdrive in order to find some explanation to Steve’s obvious trust in her return. She could find none, that is if she thought it through logically. If she took the other approach . . .
“Am I that easy to read?” she asked with a touch of frustration in her voice. Steve leaned against the kitchen counter, bandaged arm resting in the crook of his elbow.
“If you’re talking about your little trip to the harbour earlier, then yes. You’re easy to read.” Steve’s face did not change as he spoke. “If you’re talking about the tea . . . I had no idea you were gonna sit out in front of my house.”
Confused, Tessa cradled her teacup in both hands. “Then . . . why?”
“I always have two cups ready on the counter,” replied Steve obviously, and this time amusement shone in his eyes. “You never know when you’re gonna get visitors.”
For some reason, it made Tessa smile. The guileless look on his face eventually drew a giggle out of her, and her stomach jumped gloriously in response when he grinned.
“I guess that’s some farmer’s tradition,” teased Tessa, feeling slightly more at ease. The way Steve’s eyes kept staring at her, however, made her withdraw her look and glance elsewhere.
They drank their tea for a moment more and then Steve spoke up, “Why’d you come back?” He was still looking at her oddly. Tessa squirmed underneath his stare, her insides fluttering.
“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. She did not know what else to say. It was not like she could just up and admit what her impulse had been in that second it took her to turn the car around. She did not want to be that desperate.
The sound of a cup meeting a counter top made Tessa glance up and she tensed when she saw Steve approaching her slowly. Her grip on her own cup tightened.
“Was it because of tonight?” asked Steve lowly, stepping around her. Tessa did not dare to turn around, afraid of what she would see. Besides, this way she would not have to see his response to her answer.
“Yes.”
“That’s a bit ambiguous,” chided Steve and Tessa could feel his presence close by. She felt like being watched, like being under scrutiny for some test. When Steve did not continue to speak, Tessa tensed.
Defensively, she replied, “This isn’t easy, you know.”
“Why not?” retorted Steve, suddenly standing close by. Tessa finally turned, mustering whatever willpower and bravery she had. She met his eyes.
“Because it’s something we’ve never said anything about before. Because I’m terrified I’m going to mess up again.”
Confused, Steve tilted his head. “Mess up? When did you mess up?”
“Earlier!” hissed Tessa, waving her hand into the air for emphasis. “When I ignored your orders and consequently landed myself in a shipload of trouble, of which I came out with only a sore elbow and some bruises, but which you came out with a brand new gunshot wound!”
“Well, it wasn’t very smart,” agreed Steve, but he sounded too blasé about it, too casual. Tessa was frustrated.
“Is that all? You yell at me for ten minutes and now it’s suddenly all right?”
“I didn’t say it was all right,” he replied, “I only said it wasn’t very smart. But I’m done yelling at you.” He paused, mulling something over. “Frankly, I hate it. I hate the fact that me being your supervisor means I have to chew you out when you do something stupid. I hate that it also means I can’t comfort you afterwards because I was the one who made you cry. I never wanted to make you cry.”
“That’s just me being silly,” argued Tessa feebly. “I deserved everything you threw at me. I was everything you said I was.”
“But that’s not all you are, Tess,” said Steve softly, stepping closer. He brushed away a stray tear trickling down her cheek. “You’re smart, funny, compassionate, pretty . . . I should have said those things too. I wanted to say them earlier. When those guns started firing . . . I thought we were done for.”
Tessa let her tears fall freely as anticipation coiled in her belly. “Is that why you hugged me?”
Steve hesitated. “Partly,” he admitted. He took a deep breath. “Tess, we’ve been in a lot of dangerous situations before, but tonight . . . I was really terrified. I think I yelled at you not only because you needed a bit of a chew, but also because you scared the hell out of me. I thought I was going to lose you. I had a bad feeling when I realised you’d run off, and I kept imagining what had happened to you. When I found you alive and well, I was relieved, but then they came after us-I heard the shots whine over our heads and I kept thinking: ‘this is it. This time we won’t make it.’”
“But we did,” interjected Tessa, feeling a need to brighten the solemn atmosphere. “We made it.”
Steve smiled then. “Yes, we did. This time.” He paused for another fraction, and then looked at her seriously. “What did you mean when you said you came because of something we have never spoken about before?”
Tessa wavered, feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. She could feel it in her entire being that this was is. Now was the time for truth. Only problem was, how could she phrase something she did not have entirely sorted out logically in her brain?
“I-I-“ she halted, pausing in frustration when she could not find the words. Steve continued to stare expectantly at her, his eyes glazing over with that same odd emotion she had witnessed earlier, but not the one that had scared her away from the hospital room. That one had been of an entirely different calibre.
Putting down the teacup she had forgotten in her hands, Tessa decided words would not be enough to convey her half-understood reason for coming back. In two steps she was inside Steve’s personal space, peering at him hesitantly for a second before bravely tiptoeing and touching her lips to his.
It was merely a brief kiss, but it still made her neck tense and her stomach full of butterflies. She met Steve’s dark eyes, witnessing the transformation from surprise to pleasure, and finally dared to smile when he grinned down at her.
“That’s what you wanted to say?” he said and his tone was teasing. Tessa felt safe to roll her eyes.
“Not all,” she responded, reaching up to kiss him again.
This time his arms snaked around her waist and pulled her close as Tessa flung her arms around his neck. The kiss deepened, growing in intensity just like before in the hospital room. Steve’s lips were soft and insisting, and Tessa’s heart was pounding in her throat by the time they pulled back.
“Some things really say more than a thousand words,” claimed Steve with a teasing smile. Tessa grinned, feeling like a teenager.
“That’s an understatement,” she agreed, then sobered up, releasing her grip on his shoulders. “So what happens now?” she asked nervously.
Steve looked nervous as well. “I don’t know. It’s not something we can take back.” He paused, his arms falling down to hang at his sides. Tension crackled the air. “I guess I have to ask: what do you want?”
Tessa swallowed, tears filling her eyes. “I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted thickly. “Does that make me pathetic?”
“If it does, I’d say it makes us both pathetic,” said Steve, smiling briefly. He shifted slightly on his feet, taking a moment to gather his wits about him. When he next looked at her, Tessa saw that scary and wondrous emotion that had filled his eyes in the hospital room. “I was really scared tonight,” he whispered, reaching up to stroke her cheek with his thumb. “I know at least one thing, Tess, and that’s that I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either,” said Tessa, giving him a teary smile. The thumb running down her cheek was comforting, warm and inviting. “You’re my best friend, Steve, and I don’t want to ruin that just because I’m feeling the blues and running high on adrenaline.”
“So what do we do?” asked Steve lowly.
“I don’t know,” said Tessa. “My mind’s all fuzzy. I can’t think straight.” Even so, Tessa knew what her body was telling her. It wanted to lean into Steve’s touch and drown in his scent.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” suggested Steve slowly. “Think straight, I mean. Maybe we should forgo the reasonable approach and just . . .” he drifted off, but his meaning was clear in the dark of his eyes.
“What about tomorrow?” asked Tessa hesitantly, afraid.
Steve cupped her cheek in his palm. “Let’s not worry about that. Let’s agree to let tomorrow happen tomorrow and tonight happen tonight.”
Tessa smiled nervously. “Sounds romantic,” she mumbled teasingly. She peered up at him. “Okay.”
Steve’s grin was infectious.
END