(no subject)
Last night my mind decided to rebel against my body. My third official "panick attack" occurred, but I really just felt like a mild LSD trip that I didn't instigate. Apparently when I follow the pattern of getting completely wasted (cast party), sans hangover, and then watch dark films with the 2008 Academy Award winning actors my brain freaks the fuck out. There was a point last night where I thought I was forgetting how to speak english and lose the ability to communicate alltogether. Communication is all we have, so that was pretty upsetting. I happened to be with Brad, who's experienced similar feelings due to the death of Jeff, so he helped try to calm me down. Though at one point when he went to make some Bartoli Noodles I was afraid he was going to kill me. It's so strange because I understand how illogical that is, and I understood it the entire time because I maintained the ability to look at myself through someone else's perspective. However, it's almost an involuntary reaction that I can't stop. I'm finding them easier to control because I know what they are now, but it still scares me shitless. Literature that I've read states that flashbacks usually stop occurring after about a year. That's typical, but it varies with everyone I guess. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm "damaged goods." I've got baggage. Somehow it doesn't really bother me, because the most interesting people I know of have plenty of baggage. I just need to be careful not to scare people off. Parks understands my brain the best, so he also came over (via cab) and took care of me. He, Brad and I make a good trio of mentally-unstable-pothead-gays. Meh, we're all growing up, and I know we'll all be ok.
On the next note, "There Will be Blood" might be one of the most spectacular culminations of art that I've seen up until this point. I read a lot of reviews that described it as transcendent, and I'd have to agree with them. The acting, subject matter, DARK MUSIC (thanks Radiohead), imagery, everything was astounding. Combining them made my brain race intensely, so although it might've helped bring on my uber-angst, it almost was worth it (and I haven't even finished the movie yet.) I was sad that I didn't get to sleep next to Brad again because of my freaking out, because I think he wanted me to. Maybe tonight if he's not busy. My friends are so good to me.