Another oldie but goodie I suppose....
This Entry is really kinda stinging me right now.. I dunno if reading through old entries is sucha good plan after all. I really do miss my old friend :/
*** THIS ENTRY IS A VERY SPECIAL ONE. I'M LEAVING IT PUBLIC BECAUSE I FEEL EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO AND SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER REALLY TOUCHED ME AND MADE A HUGE IMPACT ON MY LIFE.***
Today is thanksgiving and with that I wish everyone a happy thanksgiving. As a few of you know, holidays aren't the best of times for me. And this thanksgiving is going to be the most awkward one since who even knows anymore. A big reason is for some reason my mother, father, and grandma all are having thanksgiving together. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a REALLY BAD thing in my mind. So if anyone has a chance, give me a ring at some point. I could use the sound of a friendly voice. But, there is a even bigger reason why this particular thanksgiving is going to be a little more empty feeling. For the past six and a half years or so I've had the privledge of having one of the most extraordinary people there is, in my life. Someone who knows me inside and out, on a different level then just about anyone alive. Truth be told I'm sure I took this for granted at times. For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about let me clarify. I'm talking about Emily. For a few months now This has been an issue I wouldn't talk about or touch on with anyone. Not because I didn't want to but because this is the person who knows me better then anyone. So it's a pretty big blow to lose someone that close to you. So forigve me for the delay in addressing this. Truth be told she's hurt me pretty bad on more then one occasion. But, I would never trade anything that's happened between her and I for anything. Because, sure there's been some really rough spots. But, You can't have the good without pushing through the bad. And truth be told, 2 of the best memories of my entire life are with her. And I'm thankful for that every day. If you were to ask me to tell you about her this is what I would say.
She is a truely unique and passionate individual. She has a gift when it comes to art, and the ability to see things in a different light. She knows the right things to say and do to bring a smile to your face when you think it isn't possible. She's one of those people who will go out of her way to be there for you when you need her. Plain and simple she's one of a kind. and that's a very good thing if you ask me. Sure, she's not perfect but none of us are. And anyone who knows me should know that if I'm saying these things, then she must be a really special person. I'm going to take a minute and share a comment she left on one of my journal entries that to this very day still makes me realize a lot. So here you go
****Randy, all i can tell you is sometimes, life just doesn't make sense. It's a part of life i suppose, sometimes the bad guys end up with the girl, and vice versa. I can also tell you, that no matter what happens, i'll always care for you, through thick and through thin. Yes we've both been through hell, and most of it has been in your part, i'm sorry for this.
You're a great person and no matter what, don't give up on your dreams, if you don't have your dreams, what's worth living?...
Keep dreaming on sweetheart, i know you'll reach your goals one day and be the happiest man on earth.
I'll always cherish our special moments..
Smile, you make the world a better place :)
<3
Em ****
Everytime I read that it reminds me that there is someone just like me in the world. And more so then just that it reminds me that there is someone I really do conncet with on a different level. Sure some people may think I'm crazy but let me ask you this. In my entire life whenever I've had that feeling deep down that something wasn't what it seemed, how often have I been right? Exactly. Everytime. So if I have that feeling inside that this girl is truely special, then Yep.. I'm right.
You may ask if I'm writing this as a way of saying goodbye. And to that I'd say "no". I'm writing this as a way of reflecting on someone who has made such a impact in my life. Someone who has taught me the meaning of sacrifice, patients, understanding, friendship, and most of all... Love. Many may wonder what I would say if I had the chance to say what's inside. There is so much that could be said. But, if I could do anything to say everything that needed to be said... I would just sit out on the rocks at the beach with her and not say a word. Because sometimes it's that unspoken bond that makes all the sense in the world.
In many ways it feels like I'm losing a big part of me. How could it not? I mean it's not everyday you have someone so in sync with you... and then feel like they are gone. But I choose not to see it like that. Because one thing I know is everything happens for a reason and you never know what is instore for you in the future. So I'd rather just cherish every moment I've had with Emily. Because someone who knows you that well is someone that some people will never have even once in their lifetime. I'm reminded on a daily basis of this. New york, Cincy, Virginia, ice skating, and front yard wrestling will always be a part of me. Just as she will. I couldn't have asked for a better friend, or someone to fall in love with. Always will I be reminded of and cherish having someone so special in my life.
One last thing before I go. On the off chance Emily ever does read this... I found a comment you left me long, long ago. Let me share it...
****Randy, your poem was absolutely beatiful. I wish I could write as well as you can. Please write me a poem and i'm truely sorry you feel this way. Your life will come together shortly sweetheart. *kiss*
-E****
Two things. First is you can write as well as I can if not better. And second.. I did write you a poem. Here it is...
This time my heart bleeds in blue for you
A solitary tear creeps its way down the path etched on my cheek
The fractured remains of what I used to call my heart lay scattered across the emotional highway we called our relationship
Struggling just to breathe let alone confront the daily masking of my broken heart concealed from the world with a fake smile
Moving forward without you by my side has dealt me a crippling blow. My insides the recipiant of all the carnage associated with it
Left my laying alone... Battered, bruised, and reaching out for your touch. You turned your back on me with no remorse, sorrow, or even a tear
We used to dream in color you and I... Emotionally intertwined, two hearts sharing a single beat
The world was our canvas, Our shared visions the paint... And our love was the portrait in which we painted together
Like everything else in our lives, this lies incomplete.. For be it fear, lust, indecision, or misinterpertation our souls stand divided
The guidance, stability, and uncanny bond we share seems severed now
Misery enjoys company yet I stand alone at this juncture in this story I call my life
Crying out in silence, waiting for that magical spell to mend what has become so disoriented
This canvas needs to be saturated by that which is treasured most in the world... The love between two individuals
And with that I will go on about my day and try to make it through this holiday in one piece. Everyone enjoy your thanksgiving. take care
**this Entry is from November 24th. I just chose now to actually post it**