It's too late...
I'm sitting here pissed off as all out. My ex (the kids' dad) was Baker Acted yesterday and taken by police escort to Peace River in Bartow which is a mental facility. Now this I was dealing with just fine, however, they have him on suicide watch, and apparently, the blame has fallen on me. Yes, on me. This is how....
I came across his journal while getting his stuff together that he asked for, and this was one of his entries. For those who don't know, Rick has been staying here since his girlfriend kicked him out last week along with my kids, and with my heart problems, I can't take care of the kids on my own. Well, now I'm creeped out knowing what thoughts he has been having. Sure, it might be in bad taste to post this, but I'm gonna do it anyway...
"As I look at her from across the room my mind wanders to the past. To the monster I once was. I wonder if she has ever forgiven me. I know I haven't forgiven myself. To take this once sweet and innocent girl and destroy her. This girl who only ever loved me and trusted me.
This girl who I knew was my soul mate. This girl who I still love and cherish.
My heart is breaking again as I spend every day with her. Looking at her longingly. Having a false sense of belonging and need.
Every day wishing and hoping she would see me for the man who I have become not the man I was. Wishing she would love me like she once did.
I have to get out of here. This is not good for me. It is tearing me apart being around the one thing I want so bad but will never have again."
Now add to this entry the ones about wanting to die.. wanting to end his life... hearing voices... Dear Gawds, if my life isn't complicated enough, now I'm supposed to feel guilt for not wanting him back after ten years of abuse and neglect? His whole family is beginning to treat me like I have leprocy or something. Like I was the cause of his demise. Like I was supposed to love unconditionally what was tearing me apart physically and mentally.
He hurt me so badly. I can only take so much before the love goes away forever. He's right, he was a monster. He sent me into a very dark place which I had to claw really hard to get out of. I will never love him again. I will never see him as I once did. And I will not take this guilt trip everyone is trying to force on me.
I hung on for ten years... It took ten years of heartbreak after heartbreak to make me let go... But once I let go, that's it... I'm done.
Let it go, Rick... I'm done....