Brigit's Flame - December 2008 - Week 1

[dreamy_idealist]

brigits_flame is back.

This week's topic is UNITY.

Thanks for reading. Hope you'll like it! Feedback appreciated.

1,048 words, under the 1,500 words maximum requirement.

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edit part 2

[harlotbug3]

Instead, he waited for a sign, an invitation, and it came [in the form of words.=delete]

“It’s just…” she started[,] her body screaming unsteadiness, “I don’t like being pressured!”

“Exploring is what I’m trying to do here, if you would just open up.” He yelled despite himself, he didn’t mean to raise his voice or abruptly erect from his sited position. David understood he had to break through Jane’s barrier of bottled up fears and unsaid uncertainties. “Listen,” he said as calmly as possible [not to scare her away=delete], “That’s what people who love each other do.” He took her hands and planted his blue gaze into hers hoping she would read his sincerity, “You and me joined together body and soul--”

“I’m not ready,” she interrupted, eyes fixed on their clasped hands.[Good combination of dialogue and direction.]

“Okay. If you are apprehensive about the whole thing, it can be over in little less than an hour.” He continued[,] not dismissing her feeling[s] [,] only advancing his own argument. His stubbornness had an unforeseen effect on her.

“Fair enough.” He let go of her hands, moved away from her, and reached the door. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you to your irrational phobia, and will go home [to] sulk for the rest of the day.”

It was too late[keep only half of either side of these brackets] he was gone. Instead of the rage she imagined raining down on her, she flinched at his cold calmness and distressed demeanor [alliteration is fun, but must be used either subtly or amid a lot of other word tricks].

He walked away with the deception that she wouldn’t even contemplate the ultimate step[road?] to cross[take?] in a relationship. As the dying dream of an unborn union with the woman he loved grew more and more distant, he wondered if they could ever unfold in unalloyed joy[again, word tricks have to match the flow of the rest of the story].

[I’m afraid you’ve some common sentence structure problems that distract from what is going on in the story. The story itself is a bit too common to command attention. The line about ‘irony’ gave us a glimpse of how interesting this conversation could have been. If you want to make wordplay, I suggest you have the characters do it for you.]