What I Wouldn't Give
Title: What I Wouldn't Give
Part Five
Author: rahram
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Word Count: 2,046
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I'm inclined to suggest that this isn't happening, never happened, and will never happen. For if it did heads would explode and baby caterpillars would never get their wings.
Warnings: Angst like whoa
Notes: As always, rating most likely to change further into the fic.
Beta: Read and beta'd by the wonderful lycaness. You guys have her to thank for the lack of a lot of mistakes. However I did write on more of it after she sent it back, so the mistakes are either mine, or if you want you can blame Kira, I always do.
Summary: After a fight, Jensen and Jared split. Jensen begins to realize that maybe Jared was right, and tries to fix the mistakes of the past. Will it be too late to save their relationship?
More of my fic can be found Here
Dedicated to garvaldmains for totally rocking my socks among other things.
| Part 1| | Part 2| | Part 3| | Part 4| |Part 5| | Part 6|
Jensen can’t believe what he saw. He lies on the couch in his studio, hugging Jared’s pillow to his chest. Jared had been with another man. He looked so much better than how Jensen felt and had actually been laughing at something the man had said, just before they had entered the bar that Jensen used to accompany Jared to on weekends before work got in the way.
For the first time in a long time, Jensen had actually seen Jared happy. He hadn’t realized Jared had been miserable being with him, and wonders what else he has missed out on when it came to Jared. Thinking about it now, it frustrates him; all he’s been able to do is think about Jared. He hasn’t slept, food tastes funny, and he hasn’t been able to put his soul into his work since the night Jared told him if he left not to come back. With an irritated yell, he throws Jared’s pillow across the room, hearing it crash into something in the dark studio. Strangely though, he can’t bring himself to care that he might have just wrecked a piece of equipment.
Jared sneaks side glances at his date, Tim. He can’t help but compare the man to Jensen. He has dark hair, that’s just an inch or so longer then Jensen’s. He’s shorter than Jensen by a few inches, probably putting him around five-eight, five-nine. He’s leaner, doesn’t have as many muscles as Jensen, and the biggest difference to Jared happened when they first met. When he looked in his eyes, he saw a dull brown instead of the lively green that Jared was used to.
“So what do you do for a living?” Tim asks Jared, drawing the taller man out of his thoughts.
“Oh,” Jared says, caught off guard. “I’m an editor for WIC,” he loves working for the magazine and is always proud to mention where he works and how much he enjoys it there, this time’s no different.
“’When Intellects Clash?” Tim asks stifling a laugh. “I can’t even read that magazine. All it is is arguments and debates that mean little to the common, normal, working people.”
Jared stares at him in disbelief, the man has the nerve to talk bad about the job that Jared loves, even Jensen, who didn’t even pick up the magazine would tolerate listening about it. “Jared helped create WIC,” Chad interrupts. “He owns forty percent of the stock,” he says as a warning to Tim.
“Just because it doesn’t deal with trivial things like ‘Why Brittany shaved her head’ or ‘Who Paris bangs this week’, doesn’t give you the right to talk bad about my job,” Jared seethes as he informs the man exactly what he thinks when people insult WIC. “I have worked damn hard getting it to what it is today, when it would be so simple just to do like most rags and sell celebrity gossip.”
“Whoa, man,” Tim says blushing. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“This was a bad idea,” Jared replies, but only looks at Chad. “I’m just going to head home.” He couldn’t deal with people bashing WIC when he was already depressed, and he knew he shouldn’t have agreed to go out with someone Chad recommended, considering Chad watches porn more than he does the news. “I’ll call you later,” he says to Chad as he stands and makes his way away from the table.
Half an hour later, Jared walks into his apartment and collapses on the couch. He shouldn’t have gone on a date, he knows in his heart that no one could compare to Jensen, or at least the Jensen that used to love him more than working. Jared begins searching for the remote, only for his hand to land on Roxy’s squeaky toy. That’s when Jared realizes that Roxy didn’t meet him at the door like she usually does.
“Roxy,” he calls out, getting up and walking through the apartment looking for the pup. He doesn’t find her until he reaches the bedroom. He runs over to her when he sees her lying on the floor, whimpering at Jensen’s side of the bed. “You okay girl?” he asks, petting the pup gently. When she doesn’t move, and only continues to whimper, he picks her up and calls a cab.
Jensen wakes to the sound of his cell chirping madly from the floor. He leans over picks it up and flips it open, “’lo?” he answers, his eyes still closed, his mind still close to the dreams he wishes he was still in.
“Jensen?” a teary voice beckons from the phone.
“Jared?” Jensen asks, sitting straight up, now fully awake. “What’s wrong?” he asks realizing that it was Jared crying into the phone, and worrying about his date doing something to him, and pissed at himself for putting Jared in the position to have to go out on dates with assholes.
“Roxy’s sick,” he sobs through the phone. “I don’t know what to do,” the whispered-sob breaking Jensen’s heart more than the past weeks had.
“Did you take her to the vet?” Jensen asks, looking for his shoes.
“Yeah,” Jared answers with a haggard choke of breath. He sounds like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.
“I’ll be there soon, okay?” he questions as he ties his shoes.
“Alright,” Jared whispers before Jensen forces himself to hang up the phone so he doesn’t wreck getting to the vets.
Jensen walks into the cool waiting room that leads to a few examine rooms. He soon spots Jared, curled in on himself in the corner of the room. When Jensen gets close enough, he sits down beside the taller man and wraps his arms around him. “Have they said anything?” he asks gently as he begins rubbing small circles on Jared’s back.
“No-o-o,” the younger man sobs, sinking into Jensen’s arms and holding him tight, clawing at his back for something to ground himself with. “What if I did something to hurt her?” he breathes into Jensen’s neck, his voice now shaking from fear.
“Shh,” Jensen says moving his hand from Jared’s back to run through his dark hair. “You would sooner shoot someone before you hurt that pup,” he whispers into Jared’s hair.
Jared doesn’t talk anymore after that. He just allows himself to be held as Jensen keeps whispering reassurances into his ear. After half an hour, a woman in a white coat stands in front of them. She walks with them to an examine room before she shuts the door and picks up Roxy’s file.
“Is she okay?” Jared asks before she can speak as he looks around for the puppy.
“She’s fine,” the doctor tells him as she smiles at the way he clutches at Jensen. “She’s just stressed, and dehydrated. We’d like to keep her over the weekend to make sure she’s okay.”
Jared just nods. “Can I see her?” he asks, his voice still too shaky.
“I’ll have someone bring her out,” she says as she slips through a different door to have someone bring them Roxy.
Jensen just continues to hold the taller man until a guy walks in with Roxy. Then Jared is turning Jensen loose and quickly reaching for the pup. After crying some more, and telling Roxy that she’d be fine and that he would come the next day to check on her, Jared let’s the guy take the pup back.
Jensen watches as Jared turns to face him. “Call me and tell me what they say tomorrow?” Jensen questions as he slowly makes his way to the examine door.
“Jen?” Jared whispers as the shorter man’s hand wraps around the door knob. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
Jensen turns and looks at the taller man, his eyes glowing with hope.
“Will you stay with me?” Jared asks, tears still running down his face.
“God, yeah,” Jensen whispers before he’s wrapping Jared in his arms once more.
Jensen stands slightly behind Jared as he inserts his key and opens the door. He continues to stand there, staring into space, until Jared softly says his name and causes Jensen to look up to meet his eyes. “You coming in?” he asks looking confused as to why his ex-lover was still standing in the hall. Jensen only nods his head, a look of sadness overtaking his features as he takes the couple steps into the room, and gently pushes the door closed.
“Jen,” Jared says in his ear, making Jensen realize that once more he was lost in his own head space. “You don’t have to stay here,” his voice flows between the distance of the two men, “I’ll be fine. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.”
“No,” Jensen says, his voice sounding desperate as he hurriedly takes the few steps needed so that he stands in front of Jared, “I want to stay,” he quickly assures the taller man. “It’s just I’ve wanted to be back here for so long and now that I’m home,” he pauses, trying to find the best way to let Jared in on his fear.
“You’re afraid it’ll be taken from you,” Jared finishes for him reading Jensen so well that a shiver runs down the shorter man’s spine. All Jensen can do is nod.
“I know I can’t stay,” Jensen says glances away from the hazel eyes that stare back at him, “but I crave it so much. I miss holding you while we sleep. I miss hearing you laugh at the ridiculous sitcoms you watch,” his voice wavers, dropping so low that Jared almost misses what he says next, “I miss you.”
Jared clears his throat, turning himself so that his back faces Jensen as he wipes the tears from his eyes, “I’ll go find you something to sleep in,” he mumbles, because he really doesn’t want to discuss their relationship. He’s been in pain for over a month, Roxy just got sick, and he can’t talk about what Jensen means to him. There’s just too much hurt to over come and he’s not sure he can do it right now.
After grabbing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, Jared steps out into the hall. He stops dead in his tracks when he turns and Jensen’s in his face.
“Sorry,” Jensen says softly, maneuvering himself around Jared and walking towards the guest room.
It takes a moment for Jared to compose himself after being so close to Jensen that he could count his freckles, but soon he’s able to form words once more, “The guest room still doesn’t have a bed,” he reminds the older man.
“I know,” Jensen laughs lightly, “I’m going to need a pillow though,” he replies without looking at Jared as he disappears into the room, only to reemerge seconds later will a pillow, and a weak grin. “When you going to visit Roxy tomorrow?” he asks as he leads Jared back to the couch.
Jared’s trying to figure out how they went from no bed in the guest room to talking about Roxy, until he remembers that most of toys, dog food, and treats were stored in part of the guest room. “After breakfast,” he finally answers as he passes Jensen the clothes he brought out. Jared quickly looks away when Jensen begins stripping in front of him, and when he looks back he sees a dressed Jensen with a confused and pained look formed on his face. “Jen, it’s not,” he tries to explain. He can’t stand to see the older man look so hurt, and if he knew Jensen would feel so hurt that Jared looked away when he was changing then he would have kept staring at him. He would rather feel uncomfortable then to have Jensen look crushed.
“Its fine,” Jensen quickly says while waving his hand and shaking his head, interrupting whatever Jared was going to say to him, “It’s my fault. Let’s just go to bed,” he mutters as he sits down on the couch and raises his feet so that he’s stretched out with his feet hanging slightly over the arm of the couch. “Good night.”
“Night, Jen,” Jared replies as he shuts off the light and makes his way to large, empty bedroom.
I didn't want to forget to post this, so I'm actually posting it early. :P
Also: I'll be responding to last chapter's comments sometime today.
Part Five
Author: rahram
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Word Count: 2,046
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I'm inclined to suggest that this isn't happening, never happened, and will never happen. For if it did heads would explode and baby caterpillars would never get their wings.
Warnings: Angst like whoa
Notes: As always, rating most likely to change further into the fic.
Beta: Read and beta'd by the wonderful lycaness. You guys have her to thank for the lack of a lot of mistakes. However I did write on more of it after she sent it back, so the mistakes are either mine, or if you want you can blame Kira, I always do.
Summary: After a fight, Jensen and Jared split. Jensen begins to realize that maybe Jared was right, and tries to fix the mistakes of the past. Will it be too late to save their relationship?
More of my fic can be found Here
Dedicated to garvaldmains for totally rocking my socks among other things.
| Part 1| | Part 2| | Part 3| | Part 4| |Part 5| | Part 6|
Jensen can’t believe what he saw. He lies on the couch in his studio, hugging Jared’s pillow to his chest. Jared had been with another man. He looked so much better than how Jensen felt and had actually been laughing at something the man had said, just before they had entered the bar that Jensen used to accompany Jared to on weekends before work got in the way.
For the first time in a long time, Jensen had actually seen Jared happy. He hadn’t realized Jared had been miserable being with him, and wonders what else he has missed out on when it came to Jared. Thinking about it now, it frustrates him; all he’s been able to do is think about Jared. He hasn’t slept, food tastes funny, and he hasn’t been able to put his soul into his work since the night Jared told him if he left not to come back. With an irritated yell, he throws Jared’s pillow across the room, hearing it crash into something in the dark studio. Strangely though, he can’t bring himself to care that he might have just wrecked a piece of equipment.
Jared sneaks side glances at his date, Tim. He can’t help but compare the man to Jensen. He has dark hair, that’s just an inch or so longer then Jensen’s. He’s shorter than Jensen by a few inches, probably putting him around five-eight, five-nine. He’s leaner, doesn’t have as many muscles as Jensen, and the biggest difference to Jared happened when they first met. When he looked in his eyes, he saw a dull brown instead of the lively green that Jared was used to.
“So what do you do for a living?” Tim asks Jared, drawing the taller man out of his thoughts.
“Oh,” Jared says, caught off guard. “I’m an editor for WIC,” he loves working for the magazine and is always proud to mention where he works and how much he enjoys it there, this time’s no different.
“’When Intellects Clash?” Tim asks stifling a laugh. “I can’t even read that magazine. All it is is arguments and debates that mean little to the common, normal, working people.”
Jared stares at him in disbelief, the man has the nerve to talk bad about the job that Jared loves, even Jensen, who didn’t even pick up the magazine would tolerate listening about it. “Jared helped create WIC,” Chad interrupts. “He owns forty percent of the stock,” he says as a warning to Tim.
“Just because it doesn’t deal with trivial things like ‘Why Brittany shaved her head’ or ‘Who Paris bangs this week’, doesn’t give you the right to talk bad about my job,” Jared seethes as he informs the man exactly what he thinks when people insult WIC. “I have worked damn hard getting it to what it is today, when it would be so simple just to do like most rags and sell celebrity gossip.”
“Whoa, man,” Tim says blushing. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“This was a bad idea,” Jared replies, but only looks at Chad. “I’m just going to head home.” He couldn’t deal with people bashing WIC when he was already depressed, and he knew he shouldn’t have agreed to go out with someone Chad recommended, considering Chad watches porn more than he does the news. “I’ll call you later,” he says to Chad as he stands and makes his way away from the table.
Half an hour later, Jared walks into his apartment and collapses on the couch. He shouldn’t have gone on a date, he knows in his heart that no one could compare to Jensen, or at least the Jensen that used to love him more than working. Jared begins searching for the remote, only for his hand to land on Roxy’s squeaky toy. That’s when Jared realizes that Roxy didn’t meet him at the door like she usually does.
“Roxy,” he calls out, getting up and walking through the apartment looking for the pup. He doesn’t find her until he reaches the bedroom. He runs over to her when he sees her lying on the floor, whimpering at Jensen’s side of the bed. “You okay girl?” he asks, petting the pup gently. When she doesn’t move, and only continues to whimper, he picks her up and calls a cab.
Jensen wakes to the sound of his cell chirping madly from the floor. He leans over picks it up and flips it open, “’lo?” he answers, his eyes still closed, his mind still close to the dreams he wishes he was still in.
“Jensen?” a teary voice beckons from the phone.
“Jared?” Jensen asks, sitting straight up, now fully awake. “What’s wrong?” he asks realizing that it was Jared crying into the phone, and worrying about his date doing something to him, and pissed at himself for putting Jared in the position to have to go out on dates with assholes.
“Roxy’s sick,” he sobs through the phone. “I don’t know what to do,” the whispered-sob breaking Jensen’s heart more than the past weeks had.
“Did you take her to the vet?” Jensen asks, looking for his shoes.
“Yeah,” Jared answers with a haggard choke of breath. He sounds like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.
“I’ll be there soon, okay?” he questions as he ties his shoes.
“Alright,” Jared whispers before Jensen forces himself to hang up the phone so he doesn’t wreck getting to the vets.
Jensen walks into the cool waiting room that leads to a few examine rooms. He soon spots Jared, curled in on himself in the corner of the room. When Jensen gets close enough, he sits down beside the taller man and wraps his arms around him. “Have they said anything?” he asks gently as he begins rubbing small circles on Jared’s back.
“No-o-o,” the younger man sobs, sinking into Jensen’s arms and holding him tight, clawing at his back for something to ground himself with. “What if I did something to hurt her?” he breathes into Jensen’s neck, his voice now shaking from fear.
“Shh,” Jensen says moving his hand from Jared’s back to run through his dark hair. “You would sooner shoot someone before you hurt that pup,” he whispers into Jared’s hair.
Jared doesn’t talk anymore after that. He just allows himself to be held as Jensen keeps whispering reassurances into his ear. After half an hour, a woman in a white coat stands in front of them. She walks with them to an examine room before she shuts the door and picks up Roxy’s file.
“Is she okay?” Jared asks before she can speak as he looks around for the puppy.
“She’s fine,” the doctor tells him as she smiles at the way he clutches at Jensen. “She’s just stressed, and dehydrated. We’d like to keep her over the weekend to make sure she’s okay.”
Jared just nods. “Can I see her?” he asks, his voice still too shaky.
“I’ll have someone bring her out,” she says as she slips through a different door to have someone bring them Roxy.
Jensen just continues to hold the taller man until a guy walks in with Roxy. Then Jared is turning Jensen loose and quickly reaching for the pup. After crying some more, and telling Roxy that she’d be fine and that he would come the next day to check on her, Jared let’s the guy take the pup back.
Jensen watches as Jared turns to face him. “Call me and tell me what they say tomorrow?” Jensen questions as he slowly makes his way to the examine door.
“Jen?” Jared whispers as the shorter man’s hand wraps around the door knob. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
Jensen turns and looks at the taller man, his eyes glowing with hope.
“Will you stay with me?” Jared asks, tears still running down his face.
“God, yeah,” Jensen whispers before he’s wrapping Jared in his arms once more.
Jensen stands slightly behind Jared as he inserts his key and opens the door. He continues to stand there, staring into space, until Jared softly says his name and causes Jensen to look up to meet his eyes. “You coming in?” he asks looking confused as to why his ex-lover was still standing in the hall. Jensen only nods his head, a look of sadness overtaking his features as he takes the couple steps into the room, and gently pushes the door closed.
“Jen,” Jared says in his ear, making Jensen realize that once more he was lost in his own head space. “You don’t have to stay here,” his voice flows between the distance of the two men, “I’ll be fine. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.”
“No,” Jensen says, his voice sounding desperate as he hurriedly takes the few steps needed so that he stands in front of Jared, “I want to stay,” he quickly assures the taller man. “It’s just I’ve wanted to be back here for so long and now that I’m home,” he pauses, trying to find the best way to let Jared in on his fear.
“You’re afraid it’ll be taken from you,” Jared finishes for him reading Jensen so well that a shiver runs down the shorter man’s spine. All Jensen can do is nod.
“I know I can’t stay,” Jensen says glances away from the hazel eyes that stare back at him, “but I crave it so much. I miss holding you while we sleep. I miss hearing you laugh at the ridiculous sitcoms you watch,” his voice wavers, dropping so low that Jared almost misses what he says next, “I miss you.”
Jared clears his throat, turning himself so that his back faces Jensen as he wipes the tears from his eyes, “I’ll go find you something to sleep in,” he mumbles, because he really doesn’t want to discuss their relationship. He’s been in pain for over a month, Roxy just got sick, and he can’t talk about what Jensen means to him. There’s just too much hurt to over come and he’s not sure he can do it right now.
After grabbing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, Jared steps out into the hall. He stops dead in his tracks when he turns and Jensen’s in his face.
“Sorry,” Jensen says softly, maneuvering himself around Jared and walking towards the guest room.
It takes a moment for Jared to compose himself after being so close to Jensen that he could count his freckles, but soon he’s able to form words once more, “The guest room still doesn’t have a bed,” he reminds the older man.
“I know,” Jensen laughs lightly, “I’m going to need a pillow though,” he replies without looking at Jared as he disappears into the room, only to reemerge seconds later will a pillow, and a weak grin. “When you going to visit Roxy tomorrow?” he asks as he leads Jared back to the couch.
Jared’s trying to figure out how they went from no bed in the guest room to talking about Roxy, until he remembers that most of toys, dog food, and treats were stored in part of the guest room. “After breakfast,” he finally answers as he passes Jensen the clothes he brought out. Jared quickly looks away when Jensen begins stripping in front of him, and when he looks back he sees a dressed Jensen with a confused and pained look formed on his face. “Jen, it’s not,” he tries to explain. He can’t stand to see the older man look so hurt, and if he knew Jensen would feel so hurt that Jared looked away when he was changing then he would have kept staring at him. He would rather feel uncomfortable then to have Jensen look crushed.
“Its fine,” Jensen quickly says while waving his hand and shaking his head, interrupting whatever Jared was going to say to him, “It’s my fault. Let’s just go to bed,” he mutters as he sits down on the couch and raises his feet so that he’s stretched out with his feet hanging slightly over the arm of the couch. “Good night.”
“Night, Jen,” Jared replies as he shuts off the light and makes his way to large, empty bedroom.
I didn't want to forget to post this, so I'm actually posting it early. :P
Also: I'll be responding to last chapter's comments sometime today.