"maybe it's people that all miss the same imaginary place..."
This is me still on the edge.
I spent a long time tonight speaking with my mother. I finally got out a lot of the things that I've wanted to tell her since I was a little kid. Half the reason I never had any respect for her was because she never had any respect for herself. I told her that if she ever wanted to leave him, that I would move in with her and that we would be ok. I have that off of my chest now. I feel a lot better.
Other than that, she listened to me bitch for a while. It's different from bitching online. I actually cried. I think it was because, for once, I knew that I was talking to someone who actually cared. For some odd reason having someone care about me is a weird sensation that still makes me feel a bit vulnerable. whatever the reason, I cried... and she listened. I got stories off of my chest that have bothered me since 1st grade. I told her about the stress I'm facing with choosing a career and a grad school (as well as adding the other major).
I still have problems with people, but I think that I'm going to start doing better. Apparently I was a shy little kid too. She said that I never went up and started talking to people. Apparently I entertained myself until another kid would initiate conversation, and then became a social butterfly. That's weird. I had a sense of feeling rejected as a really little kid. Makes me wonder. I wasn't an ugly, I wasn't fat, I was smart, I was atheletic, and I was really good with people once they started talking to me. So what the hell was wrong with me? hmmm... well, I'm changing all of that now.
No more low self-esteem. No more taking things for granted. No more being shy.
..."and gosh darn-it, people like me" :)
most of all... no more being afraid of failure.
"I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can"
I spent a long time tonight speaking with my mother. I finally got out a lot of the things that I've wanted to tell her since I was a little kid. Half the reason I never had any respect for her was because she never had any respect for herself. I told her that if she ever wanted to leave him, that I would move in with her and that we would be ok. I have that off of my chest now. I feel a lot better.
Other than that, she listened to me bitch for a while. It's different from bitching online. I actually cried. I think it was because, for once, I knew that I was talking to someone who actually cared. For some odd reason having someone care about me is a weird sensation that still makes me feel a bit vulnerable. whatever the reason, I cried... and she listened. I got stories off of my chest that have bothered me since 1st grade. I told her about the stress I'm facing with choosing a career and a grad school (as well as adding the other major).
I still have problems with people, but I think that I'm going to start doing better. Apparently I was a shy little kid too. She said that I never went up and started talking to people. Apparently I entertained myself until another kid would initiate conversation, and then became a social butterfly. That's weird. I had a sense of feeling rejected as a really little kid. Makes me wonder. I wasn't an ugly, I wasn't fat, I was smart, I was atheletic, and I was really good with people once they started talking to me. So what the hell was wrong with me? hmmm... well, I'm changing all of that now.
No more low self-esteem. No more taking things for granted. No more being shy.
..."and gosh darn-it, people like me" :)
most of all... no more being afraid of failure.
"I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can"