(no subject)
I don't really know who reads this. I don't really care. I hope that someone does because it would be nice to know that my thoughts are being heard rather than just repeated to myself.
I have wanted to post, in detail, about the divorce and what's been happening and how it happened and how my life has completely changed. But I haven't becuase it's 'Private' (but really... have I ever been private about anything?). Because it's not just my life but his too. However, I think the Upside of sharing is the support you find from it. So without sharing what's happening I dont' have that. I feel very much alone.
So at long last I'm breaking my 'silence' and I will say this
Tonight I have to say goodbye to Colin before he goes to Korea on Thursday. I've been crying about it for weeks. I know that we're divorced. I know that it's because of me. I know that almost everyone is saying 'well if you still love him then why did you divorce him?' but it's not that simple. It is what it is and it sucks. And I did what I had to and it sucks. But him leaving is like cutting the final thread that was keeping us united in any way. He's now going off on the adventure that we were supposed to embark upon together.
I spent this morning before work crying and throwing up. I cried all morning while getting ready. I cried all the way out to my car and didn't stop until I was scraping the frost from my windows, too irritated with the weather to be emotional. Thank goodness work has been crazy busy.
I can't listen to the Last 5 Years soundtrack anymore. All that happens is I'm singing along, happily enjoying the piano and wordy-songs, and then all of a sudden I'm crying and sobbing.
I have full expectations that tonight will be awful and dramatic and... probably one of my worst nights since those few weeks after the initial decision was made.
It's times like this when I wish I lived in Morris. When I wish I had choir to distract myself, to completely surround myself with music. When I wish I had dance ensemble to run and dances to choreograph, to completely drench myself with sweat and exhaustion. But mostly I wish I was in Morris becuase then I would have the network of friends that I had. My neighbors next door or across the pit, the 2nd street beer society.
Friends, I need you now. Let's all move back to Morris, get drunk, go to Jose's, wake up the next morning and go to Don's.
I have wanted to post, in detail, about the divorce and what's been happening and how it happened and how my life has completely changed. But I haven't becuase it's 'Private' (but really... have I ever been private about anything?). Because it's not just my life but his too. However, I think the Upside of sharing is the support you find from it. So without sharing what's happening I dont' have that. I feel very much alone.
So at long last I'm breaking my 'silence' and I will say this
Tonight I have to say goodbye to Colin before he goes to Korea on Thursday. I've been crying about it for weeks. I know that we're divorced. I know that it's because of me. I know that almost everyone is saying 'well if you still love him then why did you divorce him?' but it's not that simple. It is what it is and it sucks. And I did what I had to and it sucks. But him leaving is like cutting the final thread that was keeping us united in any way. He's now going off on the adventure that we were supposed to embark upon together.
I spent this morning before work crying and throwing up. I cried all morning while getting ready. I cried all the way out to my car and didn't stop until I was scraping the frost from my windows, too irritated with the weather to be emotional. Thank goodness work has been crazy busy.
I can't listen to the Last 5 Years soundtrack anymore. All that happens is I'm singing along, happily enjoying the piano and wordy-songs, and then all of a sudden I'm crying and sobbing.
I have full expectations that tonight will be awful and dramatic and... probably one of my worst nights since those few weeks after the initial decision was made.
It's times like this when I wish I lived in Morris. When I wish I had choir to distract myself, to completely surround myself with music. When I wish I had dance ensemble to run and dances to choreograph, to completely drench myself with sweat and exhaustion. But mostly I wish I was in Morris becuase then I would have the network of friends that I had. My neighbors next door or across the pit, the 2nd street beer society.
Friends, I need you now. Let's all move back to Morris, get drunk, go to Jose's, wake up the next morning and go to Don's.