{ chaptered } Tell Me Goodbye ★ 6
Title: Tell Me Goodbye [6/?]
Fandom: Big Bang
Genre: Angst, smutfic
Pairing: GRi
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Sex, language
Summary: Things changed.
N/A: OH HEY SIXTH CHAPTER.
Jiyong tried his best to avoid Seungri. He really tried but the kid was like a boomerang: whenever Jiyong rejected him, he came back. When Jiyong was able to actually shun him and keep him away from him, he was the one going to him or calling him. He was unable to leave Seungri alone for too long, there was something inside him that just kept him from doing so.
Things changed.
That was how Jiyong wanted things to be. He wanted distance between them and wanted Seungri to slowly detach himself from him and probably forget him at some point. That was the only way to repair all the wrongs Jiyong did to him, he needed to step out of the guy's life and leave him be once and for all... but he could not. Seungri had become something part of his habit and he felt a bit disoriented when he did not get his daily fill of 'hey hyungnim!'
It was harder on Jiyong than what it should have been.
He was tired of trying to hard to stay a constant person, tired of working so hard to make a step forward, tired of purposely avoiding the maknae and tired of lying to him to keep him away from the new path Jiyong wanted to make for himself. It was all for the best. After all, he heard from Chaerin that Seungri had been meeting women and that he was probably screwing one of them or two. Seungri did not need Jiyong anymore, did he not? Those girls might represent diversity, a new fun for Seungri.
The shame that was there when they engaged in such intercourse was not there with a woman, it was different and Jiyong could understand that Seungri kept that a secret. What he did not understand was that he would keep it a secret from Jiyong, it was not like he was in any position to judge Seungri: it was not like they were lovers and Seungri had an affair or two, they were friends on some level and it hurt him that even Chaerin knew what he was up to while he felt like he was losing Seungri.
Losing Seungri. Letting go. That was what was supposed to happen.
Though, Jiyong wished that he did not have to do so many things to get to that. He wished he did not have to face him that evening.
"Hyungnim,
There is something I want to tell you in person.
Please drop by my room tonight.
It's very important.
- Ri."
Jiyong had figured that the text was about something related to work so he went home early to see what the other wanted from him and possibly get some rest that night... But just like almost everything Jiyong heads into, things do not really go exactly the way he expects them to go.
"I have something to confess, hyungnim..."
"If you're hiding a woman, Seungri, it's better if I don't know." Jiyong replied, thinking that the other was finally telling him about his random sexcapades even if everyone else except Jiyong already knew.
"No, hyung. It has nothing to do with women..." The younger took him by his hand and lowered him onto his bed so they could sit together. "There is something I meant to tell you but I never go to... Please listen to me."
Jiyong saw how Seungri seemed to be hypnotized by their linked hands and how his gaze did not leave them one second as he spoke.
After a long silence that weighed a ton for them both, Seungri finally looked up into Jiyong's eyes and spoke the words that he had kept hidden and repressed for far too long already.
"Jiyong-hyung.... I'm in love with you."
The older male looked at the young man in front of him, disbelief painting itself all over his expression.
"Shit, what?"
That was the only thing that came out of Jiyong. He thought his operation to get Seungri to forget him was doing just fine but the confession he just heard only confirmed that not only he failed at getting Seungri to move on but he had pulled him in too deep and would have to hurt him even more... Seungri was an amazing person and there was nothing that was not to love about him but Jiyong could not let something like this happen between them, he would just destroy Seungri even more by bonding him tighter with himself.
Jiyong took a deep breathe in and finally replied.
"... I'm sorry."
He did not even dare to look into Seungri's pained expression, it hurt him far too much.
"What?"
Jiyong gathered his courage and looked up, frowning.
"I said I'm sorry..." Jiyong repeated, "I don't love you, Seungri. I wish I did, so badly... I wish I was good for you... you deserve so much better... I'm sorry."
"What?" Seungri said again, "Hyungnim... I can understand that you don't return my feelings but don't tell me what's not good for me. I know what I want and I want you..."
"Oh yeah? Did you want to get raped at seventeen? Did you want me to use you like my personal whore?" Jiyong snapped at him and pulled his hand away from the other man's. "Did you want to dishonor yourself by having sex with a man? Did you want to hurt yourself? Are you a fucking masochist, Lee Seunghyun?"
Seungri stared, partly afraid by the sudden burst and mostly surprised that Jiyong would even raise his voice. Was this what he thought about them? Was he really selfishly blaming himself for all the things that happened between them without thinking about how Seungri had something to do with it too?
"Yes." Seungri replied, looking down. "If I let it happen, it's because I wanted it."
The older man was once again taken aback. "Why would you want to do this to yourself, Seungri?"
"Did you miss the part when I said I'm in love with you?" The maknae said, looking up at the ceiling. "I'd do just about anything to be with you..."
"Please..." Jiyong's voice softened, "Just stop. Forget me. Forgetting me will set you free..."
"I... yeah. I should stop. It's okay if we just stay like we are.... We can pretend I never told you this."
"It's more complicated than that, Ri." The leader shook his head, trying to hold himself in and not throw himself at Seungri like he wished he was able to. "Way more complicated... We can't. I want to take distance. Stop hurting you, stop being hurt... I just want to stop, say goodbye, start over... I ruined enough already and I don't want to ruin what I have right now and--"
Jiyong was interrupted by a pair of soft lips over his own. He and Seungri never kissed before, not like this, not outside of sexual contexts. It was too gentle, too comfortable, too warm. Jiyong wanted to pull away, slap Seungri's face and run as far from him as possible but he just could not. Instead he let Seungri pull him onto his lap so he straddles him, pressing their bodies together as the kiss intensified. He felt so guilty for feeling so good in the maknae's arms. He could not understand how weak he had become, how Seungri became a soft spot for him... This was not what he had planned to do.
Seungri lowered Jiyong onto the bed and the older man did not even find it in him to say no to getting his clothes removed from his body, he did not reject the gentle touches, he returned each of the soft kisses. He found himself moaning the name of the man above and inside him, writhing under him and wanting more. He did not even demand like he usually would, Jiyong was nearly begging Seungri to thrust inside of him deeper. It all felt too good, too pure... It was much more than what Jiyong thought he deserved.
The first rays of morning were shyly peeking from the window's blind when Seungri came inside Jiyong for about the second time that night soon followed by Jiyong's release. They were so thoroughly tired that their orgasms took the last of their strength and they held onto each other, panting for oxygen and unable to move much more than that.
Indeed, Jiyong was never good with keeping his own promises.
When they had finally calmed down, Seungri was holding Jiyong from behind and kissing the back of his neck while Jiyong was staring at his hand. He swallowed an imaginary lump in his throat and spoke up.
"This is the last time this happens."
"You obviously love this and care for me more than you say." Seungri looked up and held Jiyong tighter against his body, "Why should this be the last time I make love to you?"
Making love. Just the words made Jiyong shiver and realize that he committed yet a another mistake.
"If I can't keep promises to you or to myself... I should at least keep that one."
"What promise should you keep?"
Jiyong stared at his hands some more and decided to pull the sheets over them and fall asleep before Youngbae shows up in three hours to wake them both up.
Fandom: Big Bang
Genre: Angst, smutfic
Pairing: GRi
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Sex, language
Summary: Things changed.
N/A: OH HEY SIXTH CHAPTER.
Jiyong tried his best to avoid Seungri. He really tried but the kid was like a boomerang: whenever Jiyong rejected him, he came back. When Jiyong was able to actually shun him and keep him away from him, he was the one going to him or calling him. He was unable to leave Seungri alone for too long, there was something inside him that just kept him from doing so.
Things changed.
That was how Jiyong wanted things to be. He wanted distance between them and wanted Seungri to slowly detach himself from him and probably forget him at some point. That was the only way to repair all the wrongs Jiyong did to him, he needed to step out of the guy's life and leave him be once and for all... but he could not. Seungri had become something part of his habit and he felt a bit disoriented when he did not get his daily fill of 'hey hyungnim!'
It was harder on Jiyong than what it should have been.
He was tired of trying to hard to stay a constant person, tired of working so hard to make a step forward, tired of purposely avoiding the maknae and tired of lying to him to keep him away from the new path Jiyong wanted to make for himself. It was all for the best. After all, he heard from Chaerin that Seungri had been meeting women and that he was probably screwing one of them or two. Seungri did not need Jiyong anymore, did he not? Those girls might represent diversity, a new fun for Seungri.
The shame that was there when they engaged in such intercourse was not there with a woman, it was different and Jiyong could understand that Seungri kept that a secret. What he did not understand was that he would keep it a secret from Jiyong, it was not like he was in any position to judge Seungri: it was not like they were lovers and Seungri had an affair or two, they were friends on some level and it hurt him that even Chaerin knew what he was up to while he felt like he was losing Seungri.
Losing Seungri. Letting go. That was what was supposed to happen.
Though, Jiyong wished that he did not have to do so many things to get to that. He wished he did not have to face him that evening.
"Hyungnim,
There is something I want to tell you in person.
Please drop by my room tonight.
It's very important.
- Ri."
Jiyong had figured that the text was about something related to work so he went home early to see what the other wanted from him and possibly get some rest that night... But just like almost everything Jiyong heads into, things do not really go exactly the way he expects them to go.
"I have something to confess, hyungnim..."
"If you're hiding a woman, Seungri, it's better if I don't know." Jiyong replied, thinking that the other was finally telling him about his random sexcapades even if everyone else except Jiyong already knew.
"No, hyung. It has nothing to do with women..." The younger took him by his hand and lowered him onto his bed so they could sit together. "There is something I meant to tell you but I never go to... Please listen to me."
Jiyong saw how Seungri seemed to be hypnotized by their linked hands and how his gaze did not leave them one second as he spoke.
After a long silence that weighed a ton for them both, Seungri finally looked up into Jiyong's eyes and spoke the words that he had kept hidden and repressed for far too long already.
"Jiyong-hyung.... I'm in love with you."
The older male looked at the young man in front of him, disbelief painting itself all over his expression.
"Shit, what?"
That was the only thing that came out of Jiyong. He thought his operation to get Seungri to forget him was doing just fine but the confession he just heard only confirmed that not only he failed at getting Seungri to move on but he had pulled him in too deep and would have to hurt him even more... Seungri was an amazing person and there was nothing that was not to love about him but Jiyong could not let something like this happen between them, he would just destroy Seungri even more by bonding him tighter with himself.
Jiyong took a deep breathe in and finally replied.
"... I'm sorry."
He did not even dare to look into Seungri's pained expression, it hurt him far too much.
"What?"
Jiyong gathered his courage and looked up, frowning.
"I said I'm sorry..." Jiyong repeated, "I don't love you, Seungri. I wish I did, so badly... I wish I was good for you... you deserve so much better... I'm sorry."
"What?" Seungri said again, "Hyungnim... I can understand that you don't return my feelings but don't tell me what's not good for me. I know what I want and I want you..."
"Oh yeah? Did you want to get raped at seventeen? Did you want me to use you like my personal whore?" Jiyong snapped at him and pulled his hand away from the other man's. "Did you want to dishonor yourself by having sex with a man? Did you want to hurt yourself? Are you a fucking masochist, Lee Seunghyun?"
Seungri stared, partly afraid by the sudden burst and mostly surprised that Jiyong would even raise his voice. Was this what he thought about them? Was he really selfishly blaming himself for all the things that happened between them without thinking about how Seungri had something to do with it too?
"Yes." Seungri replied, looking down. "If I let it happen, it's because I wanted it."
The older man was once again taken aback. "Why would you want to do this to yourself, Seungri?"
"Did you miss the part when I said I'm in love with you?" The maknae said, looking up at the ceiling. "I'd do just about anything to be with you..."
"Please..." Jiyong's voice softened, "Just stop. Forget me. Forgetting me will set you free..."
"I... yeah. I should stop. It's okay if we just stay like we are.... We can pretend I never told you this."
"It's more complicated than that, Ri." The leader shook his head, trying to hold himself in and not throw himself at Seungri like he wished he was able to. "Way more complicated... We can't. I want to take distance. Stop hurting you, stop being hurt... I just want to stop, say goodbye, start over... I ruined enough already and I don't want to ruin what I have right now and--"
Jiyong was interrupted by a pair of soft lips over his own. He and Seungri never kissed before, not like this, not outside of sexual contexts. It was too gentle, too comfortable, too warm. Jiyong wanted to pull away, slap Seungri's face and run as far from him as possible but he just could not. Instead he let Seungri pull him onto his lap so he straddles him, pressing their bodies together as the kiss intensified. He felt so guilty for feeling so good in the maknae's arms. He could not understand how weak he had become, how Seungri became a soft spot for him... This was not what he had planned to do.
Seungri lowered Jiyong onto the bed and the older man did not even find it in him to say no to getting his clothes removed from his body, he did not reject the gentle touches, he returned each of the soft kisses. He found himself moaning the name of the man above and inside him, writhing under him and wanting more. He did not even demand like he usually would, Jiyong was nearly begging Seungri to thrust inside of him deeper. It all felt too good, too pure... It was much more than what Jiyong thought he deserved.
The first rays of morning were shyly peeking from the window's blind when Seungri came inside Jiyong for about the second time that night soon followed by Jiyong's release. They were so thoroughly tired that their orgasms took the last of their strength and they held onto each other, panting for oxygen and unable to move much more than that.
Indeed, Jiyong was never good with keeping his own promises.
When they had finally calmed down, Seungri was holding Jiyong from behind and kissing the back of his neck while Jiyong was staring at his hand. He swallowed an imaginary lump in his throat and spoke up.
"This is the last time this happens."
"You obviously love this and care for me more than you say." Seungri looked up and held Jiyong tighter against his body, "Why should this be the last time I make love to you?"
Making love. Just the words made Jiyong shiver and realize that he committed yet a another mistake.
"If I can't keep promises to you or to myself... I should at least keep that one."
"What promise should you keep?"
Jiyong stared at his hands some more and decided to pull the sheets over them and fall asleep before Youngbae shows up in three hours to wake them both up.