Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
Lately when I think, at all, about anything, I feel tired. It's like I feel this tangible weight on my shoulders, that makes me heavy, and leaves me without the energy to do anything about my thoughts. And I just sit there, with this weight, with nowhere to put it, no one who can take it away. So I'm hoping writing will help. Because it's really the only genuine outlet I have. Sorry for the pathetic droning that will be my Lj for quite awhile.
Last night I actually enjoyed spending time at home. And it felt nice. But Claire was still upstairs in the kitchen drinking our Bailey's Mint Irish Cream and hot chocolate, while I was downstairs doing homework and drinking mine. Even when we do things together, we're not together. I just don't know how to handle it, because I don't know if that's ok with her. It's ok with me, but I would like real time with her too. I do like just being there when it's just us. And it was. It was Claire and I, Emma, and Ellen. My favorite people in the house. It was quiet, and it felt comfortable. And that is really rare for me. The thing is, I felt content being at home, but I don't know if that's adequate to prove to Claire that I'm still here. I don't know what she's thinking, because she doesn't talk about it, and I don't know how to approach her. Nor have I had the energy lately. Not because of a lack of caring, or love, but a genuine, genuine aversion to adding to my list of stress.
The thing is, I have no anger left in me. I'm just desperate. Desperate for Claire to realize that I want to spend time with her, desperate for her and Micah to not be at odds with each other. I'm desperate to please her and Michael, so desperate that I find myself pointing out that I'm not with Micah when I'm at home, and desperate enough to sneak out of the house after they're asleep to sleep at Micah's, in a real bed, with my boyfriend. I don't know if she's even angry when I sleep at Micah's at night, and therefore I don't know if I SHOULD feel guilty. I wasn't feeling like being here was an obligation last night, it felt cozy. But I don't know if Claire thinks that I was just biding my time before I went to Micah's. I wasn't. At all. I was legitimately enjoying my time. As I always do when I'm around Claire, Emma, or Megan. But the thing is, I just sit here and wait for someone to tell me if I am acting up to their standards. It's not about what I think is acceptable. I wait for someone to tell ME what's acceptable. Because I AM happy when I'm with them. They're my best friends for fuck's sake. Of course I love being around them. But I don't know what's good enough for them.
When we used to have these problems in high school, it always ended up where the person in the relationship began to feel like hanging out with our friends was an obligation, that they weren't accepted, because everyone was hostile. And they were hostile because they felt like the person in a relationship treated hanging out with friends like an obligation.
I want to state for the record that I don't feel like hanging out with my friends is an obligation. At all. I look forward to Wednesday Nite Krew, and I love having Claire around to be sarcastic with. I love studying with Megan because she always always always makes me happy. She's also the only person who is friends with Micah, and the only person I feel like I can be 100% open with right now. I loved Claire's birthday night (before I died), because I was with a big group of friends and we were all having fun. I genuinely wish I had more nights like that. But if I'm working, doing homework, or not at home, I can't be a part of them. And everyone hangs out at home, and since I don't especially like hanging out here, I get counted out, and it's assumed that its because I would rather hang out with Micah. Sometimes I am with Micah, but I'd still like to be invited. Unfortunately a lot of time they're impromptu things that happen at home, that I just end up missing.
Honestly lately the only person who I feel has made a point of making me feel guilty is Michael. And then sometimes, it does feel like an obligation. Because it's sort of a "you've done something wrong, and so you have to hang out with me." I don't feel like hanging out with Michael is any sort of punishment, it's something I love doing. Monday night was a blast, and I just wanted to be like "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I LOVE YOU? STOP JUDGING ME FOR LOVING MY BOYFRIEND, STOP ACTING LIKE I THINK HANGING OUT WITH YOU IS AN OBLIGATION, IT ONLY IS WHEN YOU ACT LIKE IT IS" Because when hanging out with him means I can't mention Micah, and I'm only allowed to leave when he says I can, it feels like he's punishing me. I think he feels like when I want to leave it means I don't want to be with him, that I need to get somewhere sooner so I can see Micah. And that's never the case, and believe it or not I actually DO need to do homework, or go to class, or sleep because my life literally hurts. But I still don't have the energy to be mad, or argue with it, or try to explain. I just let him tell me what to do, because that's easier than trying to fix the larger problem.
I just keep going back to that moment on Wednesday when he told me that I could always talk to him about my problems. I can't. I can't I can't I can't. Because I still feel like I have to "put in my time" to prove to him that I still love him. And I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. I feel like this is something he'll just deny, but that's the way it feels when he invites me places. Not because he wants me there, but because he feels like I SHOULD be there, because I still have to put in time to make up for hurting him. And if I decline, it's because of Micah. (Hence his leash comment. Which stung. I've never known Michael to intentionally hurt me before. I know he can, but it's never been me.) And he can't be there for me if I have to censor myself around him. And i have to. He made a point on Wednesday about talking about how him and Matt Hilgart are going to be the only two boys at his party on Saturday. There was no mention of Micah, and I realized I'm probably not supposed to invite Micah, because I haven't put in the correct amount of "friends minus Micah" time. And I don't know how he expects to be there for me when he makes me feel like shit.
This is where the pressure comes from. I feel pressure from Micah to spend actual time with him - time that's not napping or sleeping. Which lately has been all of our time together. I feel pressure from Michael to put in friend time, and I feel pressure to not mention that I have a boyfriend during this time, because it's friend time, and I'm not allowed to talk about my relationship. I feel pressure from Claire, but not directly. It's mostly created in my mind, me worrying that I'm not spending enough time at home, or with her, or not spending our time together correctly. I feel pressure to be a better roommate, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I hear them talk about what other people are doing wrong in the house, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong because no one is telling me. And the guessing game - guessing whether or not Claire is pissed at me, guessing at what I'm doing wrong in the house, is energy consuming. And god, I can't find the energy to talk to anyone. Even knowing full well that it will get better, I can't find it in me to fucking TALK anymore.
I feel pressure to be at home more, pressure that mostly comes from me wanting to make everyone else happy. I feel pressure from my parents to spend more time at home. But I feel pressure from Micah who wants to spend Christmas with me. I also put a ton of pressure on myself to make my $4000 goal by January 15th. And I can't stay home if I want to make that, and I can't hang out with my friends or Micah if I want to make that, and I won't have the energy to go out. I feel pressure in Italian to pass the fucking class, and I don't think I'm going to. Which is sad, because I'm better at Italian than the vast majority of the class. But i'm too exhausted to try hard, and too busy to worry about it until recently.
I had forgotten who deeply self-involved and pathetic depressed people are. Now I remember.
Last night I actually enjoyed spending time at home. And it felt nice. But Claire was still upstairs in the kitchen drinking our Bailey's Mint Irish Cream and hot chocolate, while I was downstairs doing homework and drinking mine. Even when we do things together, we're not together. I just don't know how to handle it, because I don't know if that's ok with her. It's ok with me, but I would like real time with her too. I do like just being there when it's just us. And it was. It was Claire and I, Emma, and Ellen. My favorite people in the house. It was quiet, and it felt comfortable. And that is really rare for me. The thing is, I felt content being at home, but I don't know if that's adequate to prove to Claire that I'm still here. I don't know what she's thinking, because she doesn't talk about it, and I don't know how to approach her. Nor have I had the energy lately. Not because of a lack of caring, or love, but a genuine, genuine aversion to adding to my list of stress.
The thing is, I have no anger left in me. I'm just desperate. Desperate for Claire to realize that I want to spend time with her, desperate for her and Micah to not be at odds with each other. I'm desperate to please her and Michael, so desperate that I find myself pointing out that I'm not with Micah when I'm at home, and desperate enough to sneak out of the house after they're asleep to sleep at Micah's, in a real bed, with my boyfriend. I don't know if she's even angry when I sleep at Micah's at night, and therefore I don't know if I SHOULD feel guilty. I wasn't feeling like being here was an obligation last night, it felt cozy. But I don't know if Claire thinks that I was just biding my time before I went to Micah's. I wasn't. At all. I was legitimately enjoying my time. As I always do when I'm around Claire, Emma, or Megan. But the thing is, I just sit here and wait for someone to tell me if I am acting up to their standards. It's not about what I think is acceptable. I wait for someone to tell ME what's acceptable. Because I AM happy when I'm with them. They're my best friends for fuck's sake. Of course I love being around them. But I don't know what's good enough for them.
When we used to have these problems in high school, it always ended up where the person in the relationship began to feel like hanging out with our friends was an obligation, that they weren't accepted, because everyone was hostile. And they were hostile because they felt like the person in a relationship treated hanging out with friends like an obligation.
I want to state for the record that I don't feel like hanging out with my friends is an obligation. At all. I look forward to Wednesday Nite Krew, and I love having Claire around to be sarcastic with. I love studying with Megan because she always always always makes me happy. She's also the only person who is friends with Micah, and the only person I feel like I can be 100% open with right now. I loved Claire's birthday night (before I died), because I was with a big group of friends and we were all having fun. I genuinely wish I had more nights like that. But if I'm working, doing homework, or not at home, I can't be a part of them. And everyone hangs out at home, and since I don't especially like hanging out here, I get counted out, and it's assumed that its because I would rather hang out with Micah. Sometimes I am with Micah, but I'd still like to be invited. Unfortunately a lot of time they're impromptu things that happen at home, that I just end up missing.
Honestly lately the only person who I feel has made a point of making me feel guilty is Michael. And then sometimes, it does feel like an obligation. Because it's sort of a "you've done something wrong, and so you have to hang out with me." I don't feel like hanging out with Michael is any sort of punishment, it's something I love doing. Monday night was a blast, and I just wanted to be like "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I LOVE YOU? STOP JUDGING ME FOR LOVING MY BOYFRIEND, STOP ACTING LIKE I THINK HANGING OUT WITH YOU IS AN OBLIGATION, IT ONLY IS WHEN YOU ACT LIKE IT IS" Because when hanging out with him means I can't mention Micah, and I'm only allowed to leave when he says I can, it feels like he's punishing me. I think he feels like when I want to leave it means I don't want to be with him, that I need to get somewhere sooner so I can see Micah. And that's never the case, and believe it or not I actually DO need to do homework, or go to class, or sleep because my life literally hurts. But I still don't have the energy to be mad, or argue with it, or try to explain. I just let him tell me what to do, because that's easier than trying to fix the larger problem.
I just keep going back to that moment on Wednesday when he told me that I could always talk to him about my problems. I can't. I can't I can't I can't. Because I still feel like I have to "put in my time" to prove to him that I still love him. And I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. I feel like this is something he'll just deny, but that's the way it feels when he invites me places. Not because he wants me there, but because he feels like I SHOULD be there, because I still have to put in time to make up for hurting him. And if I decline, it's because of Micah. (Hence his leash comment. Which stung. I've never known Michael to intentionally hurt me before. I know he can, but it's never been me.) And he can't be there for me if I have to censor myself around him. And i have to. He made a point on Wednesday about talking about how him and Matt Hilgart are going to be the only two boys at his party on Saturday. There was no mention of Micah, and I realized I'm probably not supposed to invite Micah, because I haven't put in the correct amount of "friends minus Micah" time. And I don't know how he expects to be there for me when he makes me feel like shit.
This is where the pressure comes from. I feel pressure from Micah to spend actual time with him - time that's not napping or sleeping. Which lately has been all of our time together. I feel pressure from Michael to put in friend time, and I feel pressure to not mention that I have a boyfriend during this time, because it's friend time, and I'm not allowed to talk about my relationship. I feel pressure from Claire, but not directly. It's mostly created in my mind, me worrying that I'm not spending enough time at home, or with her, or not spending our time together correctly. I feel pressure to be a better roommate, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I hear them talk about what other people are doing wrong in the house, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong because no one is telling me. And the guessing game - guessing whether or not Claire is pissed at me, guessing at what I'm doing wrong in the house, is energy consuming. And god, I can't find the energy to talk to anyone. Even knowing full well that it will get better, I can't find it in me to fucking TALK anymore.
I feel pressure to be at home more, pressure that mostly comes from me wanting to make everyone else happy. I feel pressure from my parents to spend more time at home. But I feel pressure from Micah who wants to spend Christmas with me. I also put a ton of pressure on myself to make my $4000 goal by January 15th. And I can't stay home if I want to make that, and I can't hang out with my friends or Micah if I want to make that, and I won't have the energy to go out. I feel pressure in Italian to pass the fucking class, and I don't think I'm going to. Which is sad, because I'm better at Italian than the vast majority of the class. But i'm too exhausted to try hard, and too busy to worry about it until recently.
I had forgotten who deeply self-involved and pathetic depressed people are. Now I remember.