waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup
I have fallen off the face of the earth.
I haven't returned calls, e-mails, facebook posts, in forever. I'm trying to get better, and I have an assortment of excuses I could choose from, but I'll just go ahead and say that regardless, it's my fault, and I'm honestly working on it.
Since I have clearly left this planet, I'll describe to you (my nonexistent reader) this new world I've entered.
It's a stressful one, to be sure. Barely scraping by in class, barely making it to work on time, getting off work completely exhausted, physically and mentally, making it impossible to do homework, and sleeping an average of 3-4 hours a night. But when I'm not at school, or work, or somewhere doing homework, I'm with Micah. It's this new ever-expanding world. Where every day intensifies and solidifies the way I feel about him. The inside jokes that come with any relationship, romantic or otherwise, are piling up, making it impossible to not be constantly reminded of him. His presence is in everything I see, everywhere I go. (Largely because he is literally present.)
Our connection is completely undeniable, and even understandable. Where my connection with Ryan was something I couldn't ever really explain, my connection with Micah exists on all planes. Physically, emotionally, mentally, politically, socially. We could talk forever, and we do. About real things, about the economy (this morning), about god or the possible lack thereof. We talk about us, about each other, about work, about the future, about our pasts, our opinions. So many conversations about our opinions. Which sometimes coincide and sometimes clash. And it's still ok.
We haven't had a first fight yet, our world still exists in its dawn, it's honeymoon era. But I also feel like I'm not scared for our first fight. It wouldn't damage us, it would only strengthen us. The great thing about going from friends to more is that there was no phase in which we felt the need to impress each other. There was no facade, no 'dating sara' face that i had to put on. It was just me, and it's just him. And for whatever radical reason, he still likes me.
Two nights ago we had sex for the first time. After my "waiting" period. (4 weeks. Which some say is no time at all, and others say is a loooonnngg time.) I waited as long as I needed to. There was no pressure from him, whatsoever, though I was explicitly aware that we were waiting for my benefit. He never tried, he waited til I gave the ok, just like he said he would. Here's our postcoital conversation, recreated not so much for your benefit, but for my own. We were about to go to sleep and, in our normal spooning position, i rolled back over to kiss him and say: "Micah, I really really like you."
Micah: I see the bonding hormone that females release after they have sex with someone new kicked in.
Sara: fuck you, i think that part of my genetic make up got screwed up, because that doesn't happen to me.
False. Big fat false. Paranoid Sara kicked in real fuckin quick the next day at work. For absolutely no reason I was afraid maybe since we had sex he would stop being interested in me (i've never felt this fear before, ever. for obvious reasons with ryan, because i didn't care about ben, and because i thought geoff and i were mostly just sex anyway). Then I thought he was ignoring me at work, and then I thought he was flirting with Emily. Which, I mean, he was, but Micah's a flirty guy, and I kind of like that about him.
So anyway, moral of that story is that it passed quickly. Pretty much after the first sentence he said to me. And it hasn't happened since then. I just wanted it to be clear that I may in fact be a normal female, and I may in fact not be a boy. So, woohoo for the bonding hormone.
To the rest of the world: I'm coming back soon, I promise. I'm making teeny tiny steps in that direction as we speak. Or as I type, and as you probably aren't reading. I'll just be back plus one, and god. I really do like him.
This is fantastically bright and hopeful world I've stepped into. I think I'll keep it around for awhile.
I haven't returned calls, e-mails, facebook posts, in forever. I'm trying to get better, and I have an assortment of excuses I could choose from, but I'll just go ahead and say that regardless, it's my fault, and I'm honestly working on it.
Since I have clearly left this planet, I'll describe to you (my nonexistent reader) this new world I've entered.
It's a stressful one, to be sure. Barely scraping by in class, barely making it to work on time, getting off work completely exhausted, physically and mentally, making it impossible to do homework, and sleeping an average of 3-4 hours a night. But when I'm not at school, or work, or somewhere doing homework, I'm with Micah. It's this new ever-expanding world. Where every day intensifies and solidifies the way I feel about him. The inside jokes that come with any relationship, romantic or otherwise, are piling up, making it impossible to not be constantly reminded of him. His presence is in everything I see, everywhere I go. (Largely because he is literally present.)
Our connection is completely undeniable, and even understandable. Where my connection with Ryan was something I couldn't ever really explain, my connection with Micah exists on all planes. Physically, emotionally, mentally, politically, socially. We could talk forever, and we do. About real things, about the economy (this morning), about god or the possible lack thereof. We talk about us, about each other, about work, about the future, about our pasts, our opinions. So many conversations about our opinions. Which sometimes coincide and sometimes clash. And it's still ok.
We haven't had a first fight yet, our world still exists in its dawn, it's honeymoon era. But I also feel like I'm not scared for our first fight. It wouldn't damage us, it would only strengthen us. The great thing about going from friends to more is that there was no phase in which we felt the need to impress each other. There was no facade, no 'dating sara' face that i had to put on. It was just me, and it's just him. And for whatever radical reason, he still likes me.
Two nights ago we had sex for the first time. After my "waiting" period. (4 weeks. Which some say is no time at all, and others say is a loooonnngg time.) I waited as long as I needed to. There was no pressure from him, whatsoever, though I was explicitly aware that we were waiting for my benefit. He never tried, he waited til I gave the ok, just like he said he would. Here's our postcoital conversation, recreated not so much for your benefit, but for my own. We were about to go to sleep and, in our normal spooning position, i rolled back over to kiss him and say: "Micah, I really really like you."
Micah: I see the bonding hormone that females release after they have sex with someone new kicked in.
Sara: fuck you, i think that part of my genetic make up got screwed up, because that doesn't happen to me.
False. Big fat false. Paranoid Sara kicked in real fuckin quick the next day at work. For absolutely no reason I was afraid maybe since we had sex he would stop being interested in me (i've never felt this fear before, ever. for obvious reasons with ryan, because i didn't care about ben, and because i thought geoff and i were mostly just sex anyway). Then I thought he was ignoring me at work, and then I thought he was flirting with Emily. Which, I mean, he was, but Micah's a flirty guy, and I kind of like that about him.
So anyway, moral of that story is that it passed quickly. Pretty much after the first sentence he said to me. And it hasn't happened since then. I just wanted it to be clear that I may in fact be a normal female, and I may in fact not be a boy. So, woohoo for the bonding hormone.
To the rest of the world: I'm coming back soon, I promise. I'm making teeny tiny steps in that direction as we speak. Or as I type, and as you probably aren't reading. I'll just be back plus one, and god. I really do like him.
This is fantastically bright and hopeful world I've stepped into. I think I'll keep it around for awhile.