Follow the Lights.
So my life is just an incredible whirlwind of...i'm not sure right now.
How I feel about Micah is steadily intensifying though. I sound...happy. Genuinely happy. My fears and worries and general phobia of skinny boys is subsiding. I love sleeping next to him, i love waking up to him, I like sneaking around at work, i like secret text messages and the fact that we shook on our relationship. I was asked out by a handshake.
I'm glad he knows me well. I'm glad he knows how slowly we need to take this. I can't believe he got me Atmosphere and Girl Talk tickets for my birthday.
We've turned into those sickening new couples, when you can tell that everything is brand new. like you just woke up in a miraculously beautiful world, and even though everyone else is going through the motions, everything you do is like doing it again for the first time. Holding hands, going to restaurants, walking down the street. Everything is different, and the same, but better. Brighter. My world is brighter.
I hate those couples. I want to smack the smile off their faces. Stop loving the world, I want to scream. Nothing lasts forever, i want to say. call me when the honeymoon's over and the world is as gray as you left it.
Can you see how conflicted I am right now? I am fighting off the urge to drown in the ecstasy of a new relationship, while at the same time losing myself in it. Giggling like a fucking school girl walking into qdoba. skipping around work like a moron. WHO AM I?
Part of me feels like I don't deserve a relationship. After mocking them, demeaning them, generally trashing them for as long as I have. It's sort of a weird joke to play on me. Hah! you enjoy being sullen so much, we're going to toss you something great to see how you're going to react.
I don't know how to react. "you sound so happy" my mom said.
I need to let myself feel vulnerable. I don't feel vulnerable, but I also don't feel totally accepting of this relationship. We're keeping it from everyone at work until I adjust enough to deal with the fall out of everyone yelling "I TOLD YOU SO" in my face every day. I don't want anyone to sit around and watch how we interact. I don't want them to gossip about us, and they will. They already are. I don't want them to judge our relationship, because it's receiving enough judgement from me at the moment.
Wednesday after work, we shook on our relationship. After that we went drunk shopping in uptown and I got myself a headband from american apparel for way too much money. then we went back to my house, and we laid down and listened to the most intense thunderstorm I've heard since I moved here.
"This is epic" he said, laughing and rolling over to kiss me. It was. It felt epic. Our relationship signified by this momentous storm. It just felt right.
Everything is changing. I can smell fall in the air. It's crisper, slightly cooler, more comfortable. After the intense heat I've been feeling all summer, the beat down of the sun, the sticky air in my room, it is refreshing to say the least. All of this is refreshing. It's better. I am more comfortable. I am happier, and I didn't know I could be. My ipod and my itunes keep shuffling to "Up and Away" by Dave Matthews. Thank you.
Right now, in this moment, I am so incredibly content. Again, I didn't know I could be more content, but I am. I am perfect. In my few hours away from Micah (the first in a few days), I feel so much more at ease. I finally have time for my own thoughts, and not our combined train of thought. Which is normal, and comforting, but I need to think on my own. And this thinking, it's making everything more clear.
I have what I want. I didn't know I wanted it, and I'm glad that he waited to tell me that I wanted this, which is exactly how it went, but I'm glad it happened.
I'll let you know when this stupid grin is wiped off my face. i don't know if it's going to happen anytime soon.
How I feel about Micah is steadily intensifying though. I sound...happy. Genuinely happy. My fears and worries and general phobia of skinny boys is subsiding. I love sleeping next to him, i love waking up to him, I like sneaking around at work, i like secret text messages and the fact that we shook on our relationship. I was asked out by a handshake.
I'm glad he knows me well. I'm glad he knows how slowly we need to take this. I can't believe he got me Atmosphere and Girl Talk tickets for my birthday.
We've turned into those sickening new couples, when you can tell that everything is brand new. like you just woke up in a miraculously beautiful world, and even though everyone else is going through the motions, everything you do is like doing it again for the first time. Holding hands, going to restaurants, walking down the street. Everything is different, and the same, but better. Brighter. My world is brighter.
I hate those couples. I want to smack the smile off their faces. Stop loving the world, I want to scream. Nothing lasts forever, i want to say. call me when the honeymoon's over and the world is as gray as you left it.
Can you see how conflicted I am right now? I am fighting off the urge to drown in the ecstasy of a new relationship, while at the same time losing myself in it. Giggling like a fucking school girl walking into qdoba. skipping around work like a moron. WHO AM I?
Part of me feels like I don't deserve a relationship. After mocking them, demeaning them, generally trashing them for as long as I have. It's sort of a weird joke to play on me. Hah! you enjoy being sullen so much, we're going to toss you something great to see how you're going to react.
I don't know how to react. "you sound so happy" my mom said.
I need to let myself feel vulnerable. I don't feel vulnerable, but I also don't feel totally accepting of this relationship. We're keeping it from everyone at work until I adjust enough to deal with the fall out of everyone yelling "I TOLD YOU SO" in my face every day. I don't want anyone to sit around and watch how we interact. I don't want them to gossip about us, and they will. They already are. I don't want them to judge our relationship, because it's receiving enough judgement from me at the moment.
Wednesday after work, we shook on our relationship. After that we went drunk shopping in uptown and I got myself a headband from american apparel for way too much money. then we went back to my house, and we laid down and listened to the most intense thunderstorm I've heard since I moved here.
"This is epic" he said, laughing and rolling over to kiss me. It was. It felt epic. Our relationship signified by this momentous storm. It just felt right.
Everything is changing. I can smell fall in the air. It's crisper, slightly cooler, more comfortable. After the intense heat I've been feeling all summer, the beat down of the sun, the sticky air in my room, it is refreshing to say the least. All of this is refreshing. It's better. I am more comfortable. I am happier, and I didn't know I could be. My ipod and my itunes keep shuffling to "Up and Away" by Dave Matthews. Thank you.
Right now, in this moment, I am so incredibly content. Again, I didn't know I could be more content, but I am. I am perfect. In my few hours away from Micah (the first in a few days), I feel so much more at ease. I finally have time for my own thoughts, and not our combined train of thought. Which is normal, and comforting, but I need to think on my own. And this thinking, it's making everything more clear.
I have what I want. I didn't know I wanted it, and I'm glad that he waited to tell me that I wanted this, which is exactly how it went, but I'm glad it happened.
I'll let you know when this stupid grin is wiped off my face. i don't know if it's going to happen anytime soon.