you win joe, i officially have massive boy problems for you to read about.
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
and i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now
la cienega just smiled, "see you around"
and i hold you close in the back of my mind
raise my glass because either way i'm dead
-ryan adams "la cienega just smiled"
Last night i had my friends over. Megan, Corey, Michael, Emily, and of course Micah. So we're drunk, Micah's hopped up on redbull and vodka, being his loveable self. I was content. Happy with my friends for coming over for another standard porch night. Drinks, talking, laughing, smoking, and then sleeping. Standard.
I ask Micah what he told Lindsey about us when he went back to her place on Thursday night. He brushes me off, says we'll talk about it later. So everyone leaves. Heads home for the night. As usual, Micah is the last one around. He thankfully saves me from a drunk stranger 'awestruck' by my total lack of makeup. (insanely drunk). Creeper mcgee leaves, I ask micah about lindsey again. He sighs and says we need to sit down to talk about it.
He looks at me. "Sara...I like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me as much as I like you, even if you're not willing to admit it to anyone." Me, not expecting this, gives the only response I could give. The truth. "yeah. yeah i like you too." It was like I was just waiting to say it. Like every time I'd denied it, every time I laughed it off, had built up this solid truth in the back of my mind. Yes. yes, I do like you Micah.
But where do we go from there? 2 days before Geoff comes. "You know exactly why he's coming up Micah, you know why I want him here. I bought lingerie for the fucking occasion." micah: "i know, but i can wait the three days until he's gone again. Not that i like sharing you with your fuck buddy." These were our multiple circular conversations throughout the night, which lasted til 5 am, when I worked at 9, and we got up at 7 and got 2 hours of sleep.
me: i don't want to date you micah. i don't want to date anyone. the thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit.
him: yeah, but 8 months down the road i bet you'll feel different.
me: (immediately defensive and generally thundercloud-y) I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DATE. I DON'T WANT YOU TO WAIT FOR ME. I can't do commitment. I WILL hurt you. I don't know how you expect this to work out. this is beyond masochistic.
This was of course in the midst of random kissing and general relationship-y touching, that i am NOT fond of. (in retrospect. at the time it just seemed...right). It's too real. It's all too quick. Everyone saw this coming. It was inevitable. I know that. I just can't. I don't know what the fuck I am doing here. What the fuck am I doing? He may be 6 feet tall but he is HALF my fucking size, as if my body image problems weren't bad enough already.
But all I want to do tonight after work is have him sleep over, let him be squirrely and giddy like he's just won the biggest prize ever, when all I am giving him right now is a guaranteed letdown.
Well done Sara.
God. Geoff gets here TOMORROW and all I can think of is fucking micah. MICAH. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
and i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now
la cienega just smiled, "see you around"
and i hold you close in the back of my mind
raise my glass because either way i'm dead
-ryan adams "la cienega just smiled"
Last night i had my friends over. Megan, Corey, Michael, Emily, and of course Micah. So we're drunk, Micah's hopped up on redbull and vodka, being his loveable self. I was content. Happy with my friends for coming over for another standard porch night. Drinks, talking, laughing, smoking, and then sleeping. Standard.
I ask Micah what he told Lindsey about us when he went back to her place on Thursday night. He brushes me off, says we'll talk about it later. So everyone leaves. Heads home for the night. As usual, Micah is the last one around. He thankfully saves me from a drunk stranger 'awestruck' by my total lack of makeup. (insanely drunk). Creeper mcgee leaves, I ask micah about lindsey again. He sighs and says we need to sit down to talk about it.
He looks at me. "Sara...I like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me as much as I like you, even if you're not willing to admit it to anyone." Me, not expecting this, gives the only response I could give. The truth. "yeah. yeah i like you too." It was like I was just waiting to say it. Like every time I'd denied it, every time I laughed it off, had built up this solid truth in the back of my mind. Yes. yes, I do like you Micah.
But where do we go from there? 2 days before Geoff comes. "You know exactly why he's coming up Micah, you know why I want him here. I bought lingerie for the fucking occasion." micah: "i know, but i can wait the three days until he's gone again. Not that i like sharing you with your fuck buddy." These were our multiple circular conversations throughout the night, which lasted til 5 am, when I worked at 9, and we got up at 7 and got 2 hours of sleep.
me: i don't want to date you micah. i don't want to date anyone. the thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit.
him: yeah, but 8 months down the road i bet you'll feel different.
me: (immediately defensive and generally thundercloud-y) I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DATE. I DON'T WANT YOU TO WAIT FOR ME. I can't do commitment. I WILL hurt you. I don't know how you expect this to work out. this is beyond masochistic.
This was of course in the midst of random kissing and general relationship-y touching, that i am NOT fond of. (in retrospect. at the time it just seemed...right). It's too real. It's all too quick. Everyone saw this coming. It was inevitable. I know that. I just can't. I don't know what the fuck I am doing here. What the fuck am I doing? He may be 6 feet tall but he is HALF my fucking size, as if my body image problems weren't bad enough already.
But all I want to do tonight after work is have him sleep over, let him be squirrely and giddy like he's just won the biggest prize ever, when all I am giving him right now is a guaranteed letdown.
Well done Sara.
God. Geoff gets here TOMORROW and all I can think of is fucking micah. MICAH. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.