you make me nervous
fuck, guys, i'm really in love with him. and it's inciting a hefty amount of fear and act-a-fool type behavior. this shit, this shit called love, is really driving me nuts. why does it have this effect on me?
according to him (he's the one who keeps track), it's almost nine months now. how did that happen? i've been floating above it this whole time, trying not to look down. i'm so fucking scared to look down, to how things were before him. they weren't horrible but they sure as hell weren't as good as this. i'm not the same as i was years ago-- i don't assume anybody is-- but really, i don't feel things like i used to. maybe it's the drugs (illegal and legal) or maybe it's me. either way it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. it makes me wonder if i'm missing one of the best times/loves of my life simply because i'm afraid to feel happy, comfortable with somebody. i mean, i am happy, and comfortable for the most part, but i just feel different. i feel like my emotions have been stunted, muted. i feel like i'm not always there, or rather, here. i feel like i eed to get some quality time with reality, with what's right in front of me.
i stayed over at his place last night on account of i will be in WI(sconsin) until sunday and before i leave he's workinglearningworkinglearningstudyinglearningworking so i can't go over to his apt and bug him. i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared of losing him. i love him. gross. i hate being so attached. so icky and irrational. feels like i'm setting myself up. i guess that's what life is, a series of set-up's to what's next. maybe what's next won't be so bad. every event leads to the next. not saying there's rhyme or reason to what actions find themselves on my plate, just saying the events seem to push each other forward. or something. my mind is really confused at this moment. mostly because i don't have enough on that aforementioned plate of mine.
Click to viewi wanna create something this week. maybe start tonight? here's to hoping i get somewhere with this. i have quite enough emotion to work with. ack.
and the shutter button on my dslr camera is broken, ain't that just life? i wouldn't mind if i hadn't lost my beautiful 70's film slr minolta two years ago. fuck being a dumb careless youth (i still am, yes). i should've never trusted myself so much at 16,17,18,
ETA: i've also been realizing how yet again i've ditched friendships for my one relationship. it's nice but i'd like to avoid losing all said friendships because of my foolish negligence. therefore in these last weeks before school starts i wanna stop being a goddamn flake (i am such a flake, and i really hate myself for it..) and also be pro-active about seeing people i like to call my friends. i also wanna go out now that i'm sort of healthy because a certain somebody that this entire post was about finds the time do go out drinking most nights despite his busy schedule of work/school/gf! i feel so left in the dust and now i want to catch up, damn it! i need to start taking my vitamin d and iron, though, if i want this to work considering my energy has been negative one million since i left them behind after surgery (they were too hard on my tummy and everything was making me vomit). umm, that is it! i wanna reunite with you.