(no subject)
Here goes.
So I've always had a messed up relationship with my parents. I used to think it was pretty normal, to have regular arguments with your mum and get beaten by your dad - and to some extent it -is- normal. I mean, it's not like I'm the only one being physically abused - I live in a society where its a fucking tradition for parents to discipline their children this way. But there's a limit to how much physical abuse you can take before you just snap and start fighting back. You break.
These few weeks have been complete and utter hell for me. Everyday, coming back from school to the same shouting matches with my mum, the same punches and slaps from my dad. They've got these set moves now that they like to do on me; my mum would grab my hair and wrench me to the ground, Dad would shove me against a wall or hit my head against a bookcase. They'd both be punching me, slapping my face until my lip is bleeding and Ive got bruises under my eye.
I tell my teachers that I fell down the stairs. The rest of the bruises, I hide under baggy clothes.
A few days ago my brother decided to get into the fray. He took their side. For a crazy moment I really thought I was going to die, with all three of them tearing at me from all sides on the kitchen floor.
I think that's when I snapped. The first few times my parents hit me, when I was very small, I always just stood there and took it, doing nothing; it was expected of me. Then they started hitting me more frequently; I began moving away, lifting my arms to defend myself and such. This incensed them into further beatinngs. I couldn't bear it anymore.
I told my parents that if they hit me, I'll fight back. If they punch me, I'll punch them back. God, this pissed them off so bad XD
But I'm so fucking glad I said that. I've stuck to my word. You think my bruises are bad? You should see my Dad's. The fact that I'm fighting back - even if its against tradition, against all the rules imposed by society on proper behaviour for daughters - makes me feel so much better.
The arguments are always the same. Over and over again, they start from the pettiest things and escalate into screaming fits that last till 2 am in the morning. Sometimes my mum drags me out of bed 5 in the morning to continue an argument left unfinished the night before. I go to school and tell no one, and everyone thinks that I'm ok.
And the thing is - I would have been ok, if that was all they did to me. The arguments, I can take. The beating, I can take.
But this - this, I cannot.
My childhood dream was to go to Cambridge, or some other top university in the UK to study. Over the years, as Ive grown up, I've had millions of other dreams, some fulfilled, some which will never be. But this one dream, I've never given up on.
My parents know this.
My parents are not rich, but they definitely have the means to send me abroad to study (I live in Hong Kong.) They KNOW that I have always, always, wanted badly to go to university in the UK, and it had always been an accepted fact that I could go, if I could get in. It was all up to whether I was good enough to be accepted.
Well, they have taken that away from me. I am to stay in HK for university.
It's not that HK universities are bad. Far from it. But Ive dreamed for so long. During all these years of hell at home, the one thought that had comforted me was that I would be gone from the country once I finished high school. Gone, independant, in a foreign country I love.
I depended on this dream to survive, melodramatic as it sounds.
And now they have taken this away from me.
......I've tried running away three times now. Each time they drag me back kicking and screaming. Each time I have stayed - simply for this dream, for this hope.
I have nothing more to lose. But now, now I am too scared to run away again. I have no where to go, life isnt as easy as I had ever thought it to be.
The few friends who know all this tell me to stop arguing with my parents; that when they shout at me, I should stand there and take it, and perhaps that would make them stop hitting me.
But I'm too proud.
Is it wrong, to defend my beliefs? Is it wrong to refuse to apologize if I truly, truly believe that I had done the right thing?
Well, I originally was planning to use this LJ account as a dumping ground for my fanfics, but I guess I've changed my mind. Sometimes I just have to write something down, find somewhere to rant and rave and do whatever spoilt egocentric little girls like me are prone to do. I guess I could post this in my other journal, where I update regularly - but I don't know why, I just don't want my friends, or those I talk to regularly to know about this. It's so fucking weak. Sick as it sounds, it comforts me a little to know that there could be someone out there who might read this and .....I dont know...understand? Sympathize? See a connection to their own lives? The anonymity allows me to say whatever I want without fear, so I guess it's just me being cowardly, as usual.
So I've always had a messed up relationship with my parents. I used to think it was pretty normal, to have regular arguments with your mum and get beaten by your dad - and to some extent it -is- normal. I mean, it's not like I'm the only one being physically abused - I live in a society where its a fucking tradition for parents to discipline their children this way. But there's a limit to how much physical abuse you can take before you just snap and start fighting back. You break.
These few weeks have been complete and utter hell for me. Everyday, coming back from school to the same shouting matches with my mum, the same punches and slaps from my dad. They've got these set moves now that they like to do on me; my mum would grab my hair and wrench me to the ground, Dad would shove me against a wall or hit my head against a bookcase. They'd both be punching me, slapping my face until my lip is bleeding and Ive got bruises under my eye.
I tell my teachers that I fell down the stairs. The rest of the bruises, I hide under baggy clothes.
A few days ago my brother decided to get into the fray. He took their side. For a crazy moment I really thought I was going to die, with all three of them tearing at me from all sides on the kitchen floor.
I think that's when I snapped. The first few times my parents hit me, when I was very small, I always just stood there and took it, doing nothing; it was expected of me. Then they started hitting me more frequently; I began moving away, lifting my arms to defend myself and such. This incensed them into further beatinngs. I couldn't bear it anymore.
I told my parents that if they hit me, I'll fight back. If they punch me, I'll punch them back. God, this pissed them off so bad XD
But I'm so fucking glad I said that. I've stuck to my word. You think my bruises are bad? You should see my Dad's. The fact that I'm fighting back - even if its against tradition, against all the rules imposed by society on proper behaviour for daughters - makes me feel so much better.
The arguments are always the same. Over and over again, they start from the pettiest things and escalate into screaming fits that last till 2 am in the morning. Sometimes my mum drags me out of bed 5 in the morning to continue an argument left unfinished the night before. I go to school and tell no one, and everyone thinks that I'm ok.
And the thing is - I would have been ok, if that was all they did to me. The arguments, I can take. The beating, I can take.
But this - this, I cannot.
My childhood dream was to go to Cambridge, or some other top university in the UK to study. Over the years, as Ive grown up, I've had millions of other dreams, some fulfilled, some which will never be. But this one dream, I've never given up on.
My parents know this.
My parents are not rich, but they definitely have the means to send me abroad to study (I live in Hong Kong.) They KNOW that I have always, always, wanted badly to go to university in the UK, and it had always been an accepted fact that I could go, if I could get in. It was all up to whether I was good enough to be accepted.
Well, they have taken that away from me. I am to stay in HK for university.
It's not that HK universities are bad. Far from it. But Ive dreamed for so long. During all these years of hell at home, the one thought that had comforted me was that I would be gone from the country once I finished high school. Gone, independant, in a foreign country I love.
I depended on this dream to survive, melodramatic as it sounds.
And now they have taken this away from me.
......I've tried running away three times now. Each time they drag me back kicking and screaming. Each time I have stayed - simply for this dream, for this hope.
I have nothing more to lose. But now, now I am too scared to run away again. I have no where to go, life isnt as easy as I had ever thought it to be.
The few friends who know all this tell me to stop arguing with my parents; that when they shout at me, I should stand there and take it, and perhaps that would make them stop hitting me.
But I'm too proud.
Is it wrong, to defend my beliefs? Is it wrong to refuse to apologize if I truly, truly believe that I had done the right thing?
Well, I originally was planning to use this LJ account as a dumping ground for my fanfics, but I guess I've changed my mind. Sometimes I just have to write something down, find somewhere to rant and rave and do whatever spoilt egocentric little girls like me are prone to do. I guess I could post this in my other journal, where I update regularly - but I don't know why, I just don't want my friends, or those I talk to regularly to know about this. It's so fucking weak. Sick as it sounds, it comforts me a little to know that there could be someone out there who might read this and .....I dont know...understand? Sympathize? See a connection to their own lives? The anonymity allows me to say whatever I want without fear, so I guess it's just me being cowardly, as usual.