The light dims, shadows creep in.
A short while ago I got sick with the flu. When it ended I felt happy. Constantly. I found that unusual but didn't want it to end. The world was surreal. Everything had a fuzzy muted quality, like being slightly out of focus. At the same time everything looked like it was made of crystals, with a sharp clarity of perfect seeing. At first I thought it was a holiment and just felt different due to my weakened state from the flu. Then as I recovered more I found that it didn't feel like a holiment at all and more of a shift in my perceptions. The grass was "magically green" even in the dark when color vision wasn't working. The days were bright and wonderful. Though the sun still caused me discomfort I enjoyed the weather. When it was overcast, everything was suffused with this partial light that made seeing things a grand experience. I didn't really want it to end.
A few days ago I felt everything waning. Now it is gone, the world back to "normal". This wouldn't disturb me if dark dreams didn't come with the passing of the clarity. I don't have bad dreams often. As in, maybe one every few years. Dreams may not be pleasant at times but the aren't usually bad. For the past two nights, they have been dangerously close to being bad. They are unusual and overcast by this dark shade. I feel uncomfortable (and one of them did put me back in high school, a different one than I attended but high school nonetheless) and have a sense of foreboding.
Since this all started, some of my normal routines and habits changed. So did some of my physiological functions. Normally everything runs in cycles for me. Now those cycles are out of whack. The biggest example is that I am usually attracted to boys or girls at a given time. Never neither nor both at the same time. Now I seem to be attracted to both. I had always figured that the cycle of liking boys or girls was the same one. Now, I am not so sure. I am noticing both simultaneously. Fantasies alternate now, and not in any perceivable pattern. The curious part is that though the light has dimmed these altered cycles have not. I don't know if they will be around for an equivalent time or if they are here to stay. And there are multiples, the sexuality one was just the easiest to explain.
More questions, less answers. As always.
~blue
A few days ago I felt everything waning. Now it is gone, the world back to "normal". This wouldn't disturb me if dark dreams didn't come with the passing of the clarity. I don't have bad dreams often. As in, maybe one every few years. Dreams may not be pleasant at times but the aren't usually bad. For the past two nights, they have been dangerously close to being bad. They are unusual and overcast by this dark shade. I feel uncomfortable (and one of them did put me back in high school, a different one than I attended but high school nonetheless) and have a sense of foreboding.
Since this all started, some of my normal routines and habits changed. So did some of my physiological functions. Normally everything runs in cycles for me. Now those cycles are out of whack. The biggest example is that I am usually attracted to boys or girls at a given time. Never neither nor both at the same time. Now I seem to be attracted to both. I had always figured that the cycle of liking boys or girls was the same one. Now, I am not so sure. I am noticing both simultaneously. Fantasies alternate now, and not in any perceivable pattern. The curious part is that though the light has dimmed these altered cycles have not. I don't know if they will be around for an equivalent time or if they are here to stay. And there are multiples, the sexuality one was just the easiest to explain.
More questions, less answers. As always.
~blue