ask me about how to not get the girl.
i've decided to change all of this negativity and pathetic turn of events into something positive, for once.
i'm going to make a guide, telling anyone who wants to know--
"HOW TO NOT GET THE GIRL".
now, i realize that most people would find a guide like this fallow and useless, but maybe those of you who would deviate and do the exact opposite might get somewhere with your next female endeavour. so, retain all of this important information, and you'll be guaranteed to "NOT GET THE GIRL!!!"
Rule 1) Pay for things! women HATE despise that shit. seriously. women these days are independent and hate it when a man decides to throw down his bills. they think that the guy is trying to show off how thick his pocketbook is (which can be the intention of some men). i never mean to do that. i just have this stupid notion that if you go out to dinner, the guy should pick up the tab by rule of chivalry (see guide on "chivalry"). as a matter of fact, i find it a rule of chivalry that if you ever invite a girl out somewhere, you should pay. if she invites you, you should split it, unless she insists on paying in full. man, was i a fucktard.
Rule 2) Be ostensibly honest!! this will freak/creep them out. all those fucking movies have NO idea what they're telling you when they say to be honest form the very beginning. don't tell them you like them or that you'd love to take them out sometime. that shit is creepy. makes motherfuckers uncomfortable.
Rule 3) Say/Do things before you think them through!!! kind of like the former rule, but even better (worse)! when you act/speak on impulse, you will FUCK SHIT UP. trust me. this is a surefire way to creep girls out. she will say/think, "OMFG. this guy is fucking stupid!" and if she doesn't say/think it, she'll say it with her eyes. which is probably the worst of the three.
Rule 4) Go out of your way to help her!!!! this means that you should not give up your seat for her, you shouldn't give her things when she's in need of them, and remember that chivalry is dead. and you can't bring it back.
Rule 5) Don't kiss her when she's drunk!!!!! when she wants it, she wants it. provide and leave as soon as you're done. cuddling is ghey, anyway. real women don't spoon. they eat microwaveable hearts. this was my mistake. i always thought women liked it when the guy stayed. but it turns out i'm just a pussy and a diehard romantic.
Rule 6) Don't be a dick!!!!!! be a gentleman! while you have a penis, you might as well act like one (if you want the girl, that is). ladies, i know you'll protest to this rule, but i once acted like a dick (unintentionally) and, i'm not even fucking joking, she basically made me run all three bases in one drunken night (rule 5, remember?). the handjob was awesome.
Rule 7) Don't hide your feelings!!!!!!! especially if you wear black, thick-rimmed glasses! they'll call you an emo fuck and accuse you of wearing your heart on your sleeve! which is true! well, maybe not the "emo fuck" part, but yeah! one thing girls CANNOT stand is an emo fuck. you know, i listen to the music, and kind of dress the part, but i don't cut my wrists or have a lip/libret piercing.
Rule 8) Don't hit women!!!!!!!! 007 hit women. straight-up pimp slap. and he always gets his woman. i know hitting women is nothing to joke around about, but i was thinking of sean connery and how awesome he is. plus, i wanted to end this guide on an even number.