Christmas advertising
What ever happened to the advertising of yesteryear, with kitschy themes, an attempt at Yuletide spirit, and big names starring in them? Last year had an especially camp Boots ad directed by David LaChapelle, featuring glamorous models applying cosmetics while preparing Brussels sprouts with the strapline "'Tis the season to be gorgeous": all done to the delicious tango of Gotan Project's "Épocha". Marks & Spencer went for all-out gay with Shirley Bassey singing Pink's "Get The Party Started" (although there was something unsettling about a 70-year-old singing "I can go for miles, if you know what I mean") alongside M&S staples Twiggy, Erin O'Connor and Lizzy Jagger. Even usually-dull Homebase set their ads to ultra-camp "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" from Disney's Cinderella movie.
This year has been a let-down.
"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" is the tag-line of Argos's bizarre attempt to convince people to purchase their Christmas gifts and use their home delivery service to beat the queues, depicting the high street as a hellish war zone resembling the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Stephen Fry's voiceover complains that Christmas should be "more ... well, Christmassy", at which point it cuts to a shot of an Argos delivery van pulling up outside a suburban home, as though that's the very essence of all things "Christmassy", which it isn't.
Frozen food store Iceland seems to be on its annual crusade, pushing the boundaries of what is considered edible (in its product lines) and what is agreeably persuasive (in its TV advertising campaign). The "party" food is especially abhorrent at this time of year (Loaded Prawns, Filo Parcels, Liver & Marmalade Squircles, Squirrel & Onion Swastikas [probably]...), and shown in all its lurid glory on-screen, introduced by squalid pram-face Kerry Katona (a girl so coarse she could bring down the tone of a cross-species gang-bang). These ads precisely evoke the queasy sensation of walking around a brightly lit kitchen following an over-rich Christmas meal and too many glasses of Baileys.
The supermarket ads are celebrity-laden, but not necessarily to positive effect. ASDA continues its intensely patronising "stars in the aisles" campaign, in which well-loved faces slum it among the downtrodden workforce (every time I see these ads I just want to yell, "Get back to stacking those shelves, Julie Walters! Clean-up in Fresh Foods Pre-Packed, Victoria Wood" - how I miss my days at Morrisons). Morrisons is the real loser here, with an excruciating advert seemingly featuring all the celebrities the other chains didn't want, in which Lulu wanders through a market town peopled exclusively by a baffling combination of minor celebrities. There's Gabby Logan carving her turkey, Nick Hancock having a snowball fight, Denise van Outen giggling on a balcony, Diarmuid Gavin winking at Lulu as though recalling a particularly unpleasant one-night stand, and Alan Hansen filling his trolley with 500 tins of Cadbury Miniature Heroes; all of it backed by Take That's "Shine". It's like a low-rent Ocean's Thirteen. If it had used Alan Partridge instead of Lulu, and "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate instead of Take That, it could have been the best Christmas commercial ever. As it is, it's just embarrassing.
And, of course, the Spice Girls have managed to surface for their long-awaited comeback with all the glamour and class of Ugg boots, by whoring themselves out to Tesco. In it, the girls try to hide from each other while shopping for presents. What follows has got to be an important landmark for the performing arts: Posh Spice becomes the first human being in history to be out-acted by a shopping trolley.
I'm expecting the Bing Crosby/David Bowie take on "Little Drummer Boy" to make an appearance next time round - accompanying a shot of a Belkin wireless router or something. You know, in keeping with the original sentiment of the song.
This year has been a let-down.
"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" is the tag-line of Argos's bizarre attempt to convince people to purchase their Christmas gifts and use their home delivery service to beat the queues, depicting the high street as a hellish war zone resembling the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Stephen Fry's voiceover complains that Christmas should be "more ... well, Christmassy", at which point it cuts to a shot of an Argos delivery van pulling up outside a suburban home, as though that's the very essence of all things "Christmassy", which it isn't.
Frozen food store Iceland seems to be on its annual crusade, pushing the boundaries of what is considered edible (in its product lines) and what is agreeably persuasive (in its TV advertising campaign). The "party" food is especially abhorrent at this time of year (Loaded Prawns, Filo Parcels, Liver & Marmalade Squircles, Squirrel & Onion Swastikas [probably]...), and shown in all its lurid glory on-screen, introduced by squalid pram-face Kerry Katona (a girl so coarse she could bring down the tone of a cross-species gang-bang). These ads precisely evoke the queasy sensation of walking around a brightly lit kitchen following an over-rich Christmas meal and too many glasses of Baileys.
The supermarket ads are celebrity-laden, but not necessarily to positive effect. ASDA continues its intensely patronising "stars in the aisles" campaign, in which well-loved faces slum it among the downtrodden workforce (every time I see these ads I just want to yell, "Get back to stacking those shelves, Julie Walters! Clean-up in Fresh Foods Pre-Packed, Victoria Wood" - how I miss my days at Morrisons). Morrisons is the real loser here, with an excruciating advert seemingly featuring all the celebrities the other chains didn't want, in which Lulu wanders through a market town peopled exclusively by a baffling combination of minor celebrities. There's Gabby Logan carving her turkey, Nick Hancock having a snowball fight, Denise van Outen giggling on a balcony, Diarmuid Gavin winking at Lulu as though recalling a particularly unpleasant one-night stand, and Alan Hansen filling his trolley with 500 tins of Cadbury Miniature Heroes; all of it backed by Take That's "Shine". It's like a low-rent Ocean's Thirteen. If it had used Alan Partridge instead of Lulu, and "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate instead of Take That, it could have been the best Christmas commercial ever. As it is, it's just embarrassing.
And, of course, the Spice Girls have managed to surface for their long-awaited comeback with all the glamour and class of Ugg boots, by whoring themselves out to Tesco. In it, the girls try to hide from each other while shopping for presents. What follows has got to be an important landmark for the performing arts: Posh Spice becomes the first human being in history to be out-acted by a shopping trolley.
I'm expecting the Bing Crosby/David Bowie take on "Little Drummer Boy" to make an appearance next time round - accompanying a shot of a Belkin wireless router or something. You know, in keeping with the original sentiment of the song.