Fanmix - You May Be the Traitor, I Will Hold the Smoking Gun
Title: You May Be the Traitor, I Will Hold the Smoking Gun
Subject: Sam and Dean Winchester
Fandom: Supernatural
Warnings: Spoilers for season four, including 4.12.
Notes: A mix for the boys in season four. Includes a healthy dose of speculation on what will happen next... or at least, what I hope will. For nakitamanomiko, without whom I would have no Sam to my Dean. :P
[[ DOWNLOAD HERE! ]]
THE DEATH OF ME {city & colour}
// do I have nothing good left to say?
do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
people love to drink their troubles away, sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way
cos maybe then I could sleep at night \\
He comes back and they're both falling apart. It's a downward spiral, a plane with a broken wing. It hurts worse than dying - and he should know. So he drinks and sometimes he can sleep if he's got enough liquor in his system to soften the impact of the red behind his eyes. It takes Sam better than a month to notice. Yeah, there's something wrong with them now.
FALL {editors}
// with my eyes closed, I look closer
I'll walk away, remember
juggernauts screaming to a stop
sound like devils, oh, laughing
I wanted to see
I wanted to see this for myself \\
Dean follows him when he goes with Ruby. He doesn't realize until after. Until it's way too late to do anything but try vainly to defend himself, his actions, when he knows he has no real right to try. He lied to Dean, to his brother, and the only thing worse than the guilt is the way he looks at him now. The way he doesn't trust him. Dean almost walks out and Sam's not really surprised, he's more surprised that he could stop him.
RISE FROM THE ASHES {quietdrive}
// I've felt this way before
I feel right through the floor
and I am certain I've become broken, bruised, and numb
would you restate your opinion and hold back your investigation?
do you see the sins you're making?
cos I've made them all before \\
He can see where this is going, and he hates it almost as much as he hates himself for going along with it. He doesn't have a whole lot of options, though, and Hell on Earth doesn't exactly sound like a picnic. So he lets them manipulate him. Lets them break him to fit into whatever mold they want if they just leave Sam alone. No matter what he's done... he's still not going to let them hurt him. Even if Sam's hurting Dean. He doesn't care.
I LIGHT MY OWN FIRES NOW {dashboard confessional}
// cut the alarm before the motion sets off its sensors
we move in silence now, we guard our secrets with our lives
and cover our tracks so we are protected from surveillance
we move in silence now, we lead ourselves into the fight
[...] slip in this town like it was measured to fit right on you
we light our own fires now, we lead ourselves into the night \\
Hunting gets better. It gets easier. They're getting used to each other, and maybe in some freak way, it's easier with everything out in the open. Like somehow, if they know each other's secrets, they can finally be comfortable with one another again. It's not really true. But it's a nice thought.
DISTANCE {editors}
// distance, I'll keep my distance
these things I never seem to mean
[...] what god broke here won't go back together again
so I'll leave this while I can \\
Sam backs off when Ruby tells him there's a way to end this. It's not for his own sake. Not really. He doesn't want to be doing this forever, but more than that, he doesn't want Dean to die like this. He doesn't think he can take losing him again. They're too young to let this kill them.
ANGELS OF THE SILENCES {counting crows}
// well, I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand
did it make it any easier to leave me where I stand?
I guss there might not be too many who would stand beside you now
[...] all my sins, I said I would pay for them if I could come back to you \\
Sam's gone, and Dean doesn't know where but he knows who with. Somewhere between the anger and the despair, he's asking a god he doesn't believe in to let him come back safe. I'll do whatever you want, but bring him back.
SLOW DECAY {dashboard confessional}
// everything rests on you - you know that feeling well, the ball is falling
falling, falling, so far from a close call
your injuries aren't mortal wounds
the only thing killing you is what you saw, what you couldn't stop
but you're not the one I blame, it wasn't your mistake \\
When Dean was in Hell, he did things he can't conscience, can't make better. No amount of time and healing is going to make up for what happened there. There are scars on his soul and they're not going to stop hurting in a hurry. But Sam doesn't let him think about it, puts his arms around him and reminds him, You didn't have a choice; It wasn't your fault. He could almost believe him when he says it like that.
THE SLEEPING SICKNESS {city & colour}
// and I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
such as living with the uncertainty that I'll never find the words to say
which would completely explain just how I'm breaking down \\
Broken bones are only the half of what's breaking up inside of them, each hunt and every seal and all the hurting they've been doing bringing them farther and closer to each other, swinging like twin pendulums. Hell broke Dean, and Dean will break Sam, and Sam will grind the pieces of them both into dust.
THE GOOD FIGHT {dashboard confessional}
// does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?
basking in your victory, hollow and alone \\
Sam wonders if it makes any difference. If defeating Lilith like this will be worth it when it means he's alone in the end. He's not delusional enough to think Ruby's going to stick around, and Dean... well.
WELL WORN HAND {editors}
// I don't want to go out on my own anymore
I can't face the night like I used to before
I'm so sorry for the things that they've done
I'm so sorry about what we've all become \\
Sam comes back. Dean wasn't expecting that. Wasn't expecting him to show up at his motel door, soaked through from the rain. Sam doesn't talk when he comes in, hand sticky with damp on his brother's arm, until he whispers almost too soft to hear as Dean's shutting the door and he's staying close, "I'm sorry."
CONFESSIONS {city & colour}
// I've been up for days, trying to find a way to write this confession down
seems every line I write's amiss
at least this I'll admit: for what I've done, I am not proud
but there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now \\
Eventually, Sam tells him what he's done. The whole story, not the abridged versions he's been giving along the way. He's not proud, he's utterly ashamed. But he says it all and at the end, Dean tells him, "Don't do it again," like he'd ever try, like he'd ever want to, and Sam cracks a smile and tells him he sounds like a high school teacher. Dean hits him upside the head, and they don't mention it again.
THIS IS NOT THE END {the bravery}
// not even earth can hold us, not even life controls us
not even the ground can keep us down
the memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
you'll always be close to me
this is not the end \\
When they turn against Sam, Dean tells them to fuck off. He's not so nice when the one being threatened is his brother. They'll get him one way or the other, Uriel promises, but Dean has no intention of letting them near. All they have to do to end this is kill Lilith, right? Piece of cake. Right?
A TWIST IN MY STORY {secondhand serenade}
// slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
it's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
so please just break the silence
the whispers turn to shouting, the shouting turns to tears
your tears turn into laughter, and it takes away our fears
so you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe the same air as you until the day that I die \\
Sam isn't letting go again. Not if he can help it.
THICK AS THIEVES {dashboard confessional}
// well, you may be the traitor
I will hold the smoking gun
you'll get away clean, I'll keep your secrets 'til the grave has swallowed me
and I will never tell a tortured soul that are burning by my side
that I am a sinner, I am a savior, I am alive
so keep your mouth shut
keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right \\
Dean makes promises to Sam while he's sleeping, and he means every one.
Subject: Sam and Dean Winchester
Fandom: Supernatural
Warnings: Spoilers for season four, including 4.12.
Notes: A mix for the boys in season four. Includes a healthy dose of speculation on what will happen next... or at least, what I hope will. For nakitamanomiko, without whom I would have no Sam to my Dean. :P
[[ DOWNLOAD HERE! ]]
THE DEATH OF ME {city & colour}
// do I have nothing good left to say?
do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
people love to drink their troubles away, sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way
cos maybe then I could sleep at night \\
He comes back and they're both falling apart. It's a downward spiral, a plane with a broken wing. It hurts worse than dying - and he should know. So he drinks and sometimes he can sleep if he's got enough liquor in his system to soften the impact of the red behind his eyes. It takes Sam better than a month to notice. Yeah, there's something wrong with them now.
FALL {editors}
// with my eyes closed, I look closer
I'll walk away, remember
juggernauts screaming to a stop
sound like devils, oh, laughing
I wanted to see
I wanted to see this for myself \\
Dean follows him when he goes with Ruby. He doesn't realize until after. Until it's way too late to do anything but try vainly to defend himself, his actions, when he knows he has no real right to try. He lied to Dean, to his brother, and the only thing worse than the guilt is the way he looks at him now. The way he doesn't trust him. Dean almost walks out and Sam's not really surprised, he's more surprised that he could stop him.
RISE FROM THE ASHES {quietdrive}
// I've felt this way before
I feel right through the floor
and I am certain I've become broken, bruised, and numb
would you restate your opinion and hold back your investigation?
do you see the sins you're making?
cos I've made them all before \\
He can see where this is going, and he hates it almost as much as he hates himself for going along with it. He doesn't have a whole lot of options, though, and Hell on Earth doesn't exactly sound like a picnic. So he lets them manipulate him. Lets them break him to fit into whatever mold they want if they just leave Sam alone. No matter what he's done... he's still not going to let them hurt him. Even if Sam's hurting Dean. He doesn't care.
I LIGHT MY OWN FIRES NOW {dashboard confessional}
// cut the alarm before the motion sets off its sensors
we move in silence now, we guard our secrets with our lives
and cover our tracks so we are protected from surveillance
we move in silence now, we lead ourselves into the fight
[...] slip in this town like it was measured to fit right on you
we light our own fires now, we lead ourselves into the night \\
Hunting gets better. It gets easier. They're getting used to each other, and maybe in some freak way, it's easier with everything out in the open. Like somehow, if they know each other's secrets, they can finally be comfortable with one another again. It's not really true. But it's a nice thought.
DISTANCE {editors}
// distance, I'll keep my distance
these things I never seem to mean
[...] what god broke here won't go back together again
so I'll leave this while I can \\
Sam backs off when Ruby tells him there's a way to end this. It's not for his own sake. Not really. He doesn't want to be doing this forever, but more than that, he doesn't want Dean to die like this. He doesn't think he can take losing him again. They're too young to let this kill them.
ANGELS OF THE SILENCES {counting crows}
// well, I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand
did it make it any easier to leave me where I stand?
I guss there might not be too many who would stand beside you now
[...] all my sins, I said I would pay for them if I could come back to you \\
Sam's gone, and Dean doesn't know where but he knows who with. Somewhere between the anger and the despair, he's asking a god he doesn't believe in to let him come back safe. I'll do whatever you want, but bring him back.
SLOW DECAY {dashboard confessional}
// everything rests on you - you know that feeling well, the ball is falling
falling, falling, so far from a close call
your injuries aren't mortal wounds
the only thing killing you is what you saw, what you couldn't stop
but you're not the one I blame, it wasn't your mistake \\
When Dean was in Hell, he did things he can't conscience, can't make better. No amount of time and healing is going to make up for what happened there. There are scars on his soul and they're not going to stop hurting in a hurry. But Sam doesn't let him think about it, puts his arms around him and reminds him, You didn't have a choice; It wasn't your fault. He could almost believe him when he says it like that.
THE SLEEPING SICKNESS {city & colour}
// and I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
such as living with the uncertainty that I'll never find the words to say
which would completely explain just how I'm breaking down \\
Broken bones are only the half of what's breaking up inside of them, each hunt and every seal and all the hurting they've been doing bringing them farther and closer to each other, swinging like twin pendulums. Hell broke Dean, and Dean will break Sam, and Sam will grind the pieces of them both into dust.
THE GOOD FIGHT {dashboard confessional}
// does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?
basking in your victory, hollow and alone \\
Sam wonders if it makes any difference. If defeating Lilith like this will be worth it when it means he's alone in the end. He's not delusional enough to think Ruby's going to stick around, and Dean... well.
WELL WORN HAND {editors}
// I don't want to go out on my own anymore
I can't face the night like I used to before
I'm so sorry for the things that they've done
I'm so sorry about what we've all become \\
Sam comes back. Dean wasn't expecting that. Wasn't expecting him to show up at his motel door, soaked through from the rain. Sam doesn't talk when he comes in, hand sticky with damp on his brother's arm, until he whispers almost too soft to hear as Dean's shutting the door and he's staying close, "I'm sorry."
CONFESSIONS {city & colour}
// I've been up for days, trying to find a way to write this confession down
seems every line I write's amiss
at least this I'll admit: for what I've done, I am not proud
but there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now \\
Eventually, Sam tells him what he's done. The whole story, not the abridged versions he's been giving along the way. He's not proud, he's utterly ashamed. But he says it all and at the end, Dean tells him, "Don't do it again," like he'd ever try, like he'd ever want to, and Sam cracks a smile and tells him he sounds like a high school teacher. Dean hits him upside the head, and they don't mention it again.
THIS IS NOT THE END {the bravery}
// not even earth can hold us, not even life controls us
not even the ground can keep us down
the memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
you'll always be close to me
this is not the end \\
When they turn against Sam, Dean tells them to fuck off. He's not so nice when the one being threatened is his brother. They'll get him one way or the other, Uriel promises, but Dean has no intention of letting them near. All they have to do to end this is kill Lilith, right? Piece of cake. Right?
A TWIST IN MY STORY {secondhand serenade}
// slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
it's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
so please just break the silence
the whispers turn to shouting, the shouting turns to tears
your tears turn into laughter, and it takes away our fears
so you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe the same air as you until the day that I die \\
Sam isn't letting go again. Not if he can help it.
THICK AS THIEVES {dashboard confessional}
// well, you may be the traitor
I will hold the smoking gun
you'll get away clean, I'll keep your secrets 'til the grave has swallowed me
and I will never tell a tortured soul that are burning by my side
that I am a sinner, I am a savior, I am alive
so keep your mouth shut
keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right \\
Dean makes promises to Sam while he's sleeping, and he means every one.