Fanmix - Where the Interstate Ends (SPN)
Title: Where the Interstate Ends
Subject: John Winchester
Fandom: Supernatural
Warnings: Spoilers through 2x01: "In My Time of Dying".
Notes: Inspired by the perfect post-Mary song coming up on my iPod during a walk, and following from there. A mix for everyone's favorite (or least favorite) father, John Winchester, now with accompanying bits of story!
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FIRE OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN {blue oyster cult}
// swept her up and off my wavelength, swallowed her up
like the ocean in a fire, so thick and grey
a fire of unknown origin took my baby away \\
Oh, god. Mary's dead and gone, and he's standing dry-eyed in front of a grave plot where she never lay, thinking about what he's lost. They held a funeral and buried the empty coffin, pine box with dead flowers in it, psalms written by shaking hands and a picture Dean drew on the back of the original insurance paperwork (he had to get new forms, Dean had ruined them, maybe on purpose). Dean had been quiet and Sam oblivious, giggling through the ceremony until Dean started crying (silent, god, he was so quiet now), and that set Sam to wailing, as if in sympathy for something he would never remember. John still didn't know how it had happened. He wasn't sure he wanted to.
SPINNING {jack's mannequin}
// I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
so I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place, but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then, I'm only spinning \\
The police think he killed her, or else it was an electrical fire, but nothing explains what he saw. They say there's not even enough left to figure out what wire sparked it, which he thinks makes sense, since it wasn't a raw wire that set his house on fire. It takes him a week of being driven slowly insane by his own thoughts before he realizes that if they're not going to do anything, he has to - he has to find what killed Mary.
PREDICTIONS {suzanne vega}
// let's tell the future, let's see how it's been done
by numbers, by mirrors, by water, by dots made at random on paper
by salt, by dice, by meal, by mice, by dough of cakes
by sacrificial fire \\
He meets Missouri through the yellow pages, and when he gets there she already knows why he's come. It's no voodoo, she just knows things, and it scares him, but he trusts her; he has to trust her. The second time he comes, he brings the boys - baby Sammy quiet for once, almost peaceful in a way the baby's hardly been since Mary died. It's Dean that surprises him the most, though, chattering to Missouri about whatever came to mind, when he had been silent for weeks. It's enough to convince John that Missouri is someone to be trusted - someone who can help. She pulls through, and she finds the way for him.
WHOLE LOT OF LEAVIN' {bon jovi}
// I close my eyes and picture your hand in mine
I still hear your voice, that takes me back to that time
where I can find a reason to be strong
seems like lately there's a whole lot of leavin' goin' on \\
The decision to leave Lawrence isn't met with any complaints, Sam still too small for words and Dean still quiet most of the time and anyway more than ready to get out of there. There isn't much to take, but they managed to salvage a few pictures from the fire, so John takes them, puts a photo of Mary, grinning, Dean the baby in her arms, in the Impala's glovebox. The picture of her from years ago, vision of gold and white in the trees where they had retreated after a particularly disastrous family picnic (hers, not his), the angle all wrong as his steps shook the camera, went in his own bag, never left behind, never forgotten. They leave the house and take the memories.
HELLO ALONE {anberlin}
// is this where the interstate ends
in coastal towns like this?
waiting for my world to cave under
we seem to invent ourselves in places unknown \\
It doesn't take long for them to settle into what could almost be called a routine. New names in every town - at first, Dean thinks it's a game, you get to be whoever for a couple of days, no consequences. John treats it like a job, though, because it practically is one; they have drills, going over and over answers to questions that strangers might ask, what school do you go to, where are your parents. It stops being a game, Dean stops looking forward to wherever they're going next, and John feels like he's killed something in his son.
MOTORBREATH {metallica}
// living and dying, laughing and crying
once you have seen it, you will never be the same
life in the fast lane is just how it seems
hard and it's heavy, it's dirty and mean \\
He learns about hunting the hard way, with little instruction and more on the job training. Pastor Jim gives him invaluable tips, and a place to leave the boys when he's got a lead and doesn't want them at risk. Bill Harvelle helped him out, too - except that ended in disaster, and John winces when he thinks about it. He didn't think it would be easy, but it's worse than he had imagined, and he hardens his heart because if he doesn't, he'll never live long enough to get the revenge he needs.
LAST OF DAYS {a fine frenzy}
// through walls and harvest moons, I will fight for you
the world carries on without you, but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you until the last of days
until the last of days \\
Nights he dreams about her are the best and the worst, and he dreads the day that he's sure is coming when her voice is no longer clear in his mind, when he can't feel her there beside him like she should have been all along. He loves the memory of her, but he hates waking to know that she isn't really there, that everything has changed. It fuels his determination but kills his spirit.
RECLUSION {anberlin}
// you're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
my mask is growing heavy, but I've forgotten who's beneath
you're sick, sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide \\
He doesn't tell Sam, but Sam knows what it is he does, and he doesn't have to ask how; the answer is in Dean's accusing look, the very first time he can think of that he's ever gotten that from him. And maybe six was awfully old to still be in the dark about why they moved around so much, why they couldn't give their real names (Dean had been six when he'd handed him a gun the first time, but that was different, Sam and Dean were different). But he had wanted to protect Sam, shelter him from the dirty truth that would only endanger him more to know. Dean had taken away his choice, and he understood and resented it, but he didn't question it.
BEAUTIFUL CALM DRIVING {sia}
// you're a stranger to me, you're a danger to me
beautiful calm driving, emotional hiding, effortlessly shining
you turned into another, [...] you turned into another man \\
Somewhere along the lines, when John wasn't looking, Dean became a man, and he wasn't sure how exactly he should feel about that, still seeing in those green eyes the silent four year old, not the sullen sixteen year old who offered to drive when he was tired, who asked him in the shadows of a Rhode Island motel room if he could come along on the hunt this time. Somewhere in the years that stretched between them like a rubber band pulled too tight, sure to snap, Dean had gone from the boy he knew to a man he wasn't sure he did, unfamiliar, dependable, and curious. John let him come.
STICK TO YOUR GUNS {bon jovi}
// there's no living in the backseat if you're gonna drive through town
and when you pray for independence, boy, you better stand your ground
you got to give it all you got now, or you might get shot down
fight hard until the battle is won, stick to your gun \\
He gives Dean more responsibility when he starts coming along on the hunts, makes him prove that he can do it, almost begging for a reason to tell him to stay in the motel room, keep Sam company, just be safe. But he can't bring himself to say it without a reason, and grudgingly he has to admit that Dean is good at hunting - practically bred for it, and doesn't John know it; he was the one who raised him that way. Feeling sorry for it wouldn't do anyone any good, though, so he lectures more, pushes harder, and he tries to make sure that if his son is going to hunt, he's not going to hunt stupid.
IT'S BEGINNING TO GET TO ME {snow patrol}
// and it's beginning to get to me, that I know more of the stars and sea
than I do of what's in your head, barely touching your cold bed
are you beginning to get my point? that all this fighting with aching joints
it's doing nothing but tire us out; no one knows what this fight is about \\
Sam wants safe, and they can never have safe. He wants to stay in the town where he had his first date, where he could finish out eighth grade, or where he was entered into the science fair. Over time, the friction between the life they have and the life he wants creates heat like sandpaper against metal, sparking into the arguments that drive him out to the hunt aggravated, that leave Dean muttering complacencies, trying to calm them both and failing. John wonders if Sam understands that he's only trying to keep them safe. He thinks he probably doesn't, but he doesn't make it any clearer.
ORPHANS {jack's mannequin}
// now you're wandering into the night
but you're no orphan, you're not an orphan
I never thought the day would come
they tell me you've finally run
I guess you always said you would someday \\
The night Sam leaves is the night the spark ignites the fuse and it explodes on them, the fight almost coming to fists until Dean intervenes, quiet again like he gets when he's really upset, but they don't stop arguing until Sam grabs his bag and heads for the door. John tells him not to come back if he's going to leave, because he doesn't think he could stand to do this again. Sam says he won't, and for some reason that he can't quite figure out, that hurts.
FALLING DOWN {story of the year}
// now I can taste the war that I've been fighting
start to fall, but I'm still standing here, behind the wall of dying faith
I can't forget the fight that's growing stronger
face to face with hopes of longer days, to build on something we should save \\
By the time he sees the boys again, he's closer than he's ever been to finishing out this fight, and he tries to get them to understand that he has to finish this himself, but they don't. Dean argues with him, probably the first time he ever really has with any kind of conviction, and in the end, grudgingly, he agrees. Stronger as a family.
USED TO {daughtry}
// you used to talk to me like I was the only one around
you used to lean on me like the only other choice was falling down
[...] we used to have this under control
we never thought, we used to know
at least there's you, and at least there's me
can we get this back? can we get this back to how it used to be? \\
"No, Sam. I want to stop losing people we love. I want you to go to school. I want Dean to have a home. I want Mary alive. I just... I just want this to be over."
THE FATAL WOUND {switchfoot}
// son of sorrow, staring down tomorrow with an aching view
disenchanted, let's go down together, with the fatal wound
this is the real thing, no rubber bullets now
this is the final bow \\
"Time of death -- 10:41AM."
Subject: John Winchester
Fandom: Supernatural
Warnings: Spoilers through 2x01: "In My Time of Dying".
Notes: Inspired by the perfect post-Mary song coming up on my iPod during a walk, and following from there. A mix for everyone's favorite (or least favorite) father, John Winchester, now with accompanying bits of story!
[[ DOWNLOAD THE .ZIP ]]
FIRE OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN {blue oyster cult}
// swept her up and off my wavelength, swallowed her up
like the ocean in a fire, so thick and grey
a fire of unknown origin took my baby away \\
Oh, god. Mary's dead and gone, and he's standing dry-eyed in front of a grave plot where she never lay, thinking about what he's lost. They held a funeral and buried the empty coffin, pine box with dead flowers in it, psalms written by shaking hands and a picture Dean drew on the back of the original insurance paperwork (he had to get new forms, Dean had ruined them, maybe on purpose). Dean had been quiet and Sam oblivious, giggling through the ceremony until Dean started crying (silent, god, he was so quiet now), and that set Sam to wailing, as if in sympathy for something he would never remember. John still didn't know how it had happened. He wasn't sure he wanted to.
SPINNING {jack's mannequin}
// I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
so I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place, but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then, I'm only spinning \\
The police think he killed her, or else it was an electrical fire, but nothing explains what he saw. They say there's not even enough left to figure out what wire sparked it, which he thinks makes sense, since it wasn't a raw wire that set his house on fire. It takes him a week of being driven slowly insane by his own thoughts before he realizes that if they're not going to do anything, he has to - he has to find what killed Mary.
PREDICTIONS {suzanne vega}
// let's tell the future, let's see how it's been done
by numbers, by mirrors, by water, by dots made at random on paper
by salt, by dice, by meal, by mice, by dough of cakes
by sacrificial fire \\
He meets Missouri through the yellow pages, and when he gets there she already knows why he's come. It's no voodoo, she just knows things, and it scares him, but he trusts her; he has to trust her. The second time he comes, he brings the boys - baby Sammy quiet for once, almost peaceful in a way the baby's hardly been since Mary died. It's Dean that surprises him the most, though, chattering to Missouri about whatever came to mind, when he had been silent for weeks. It's enough to convince John that Missouri is someone to be trusted - someone who can help. She pulls through, and she finds the way for him.
WHOLE LOT OF LEAVIN' {bon jovi}
// I close my eyes and picture your hand in mine
I still hear your voice, that takes me back to that time
where I can find a reason to be strong
seems like lately there's a whole lot of leavin' goin' on \\
The decision to leave Lawrence isn't met with any complaints, Sam still too small for words and Dean still quiet most of the time and anyway more than ready to get out of there. There isn't much to take, but they managed to salvage a few pictures from the fire, so John takes them, puts a photo of Mary, grinning, Dean the baby in her arms, in the Impala's glovebox. The picture of her from years ago, vision of gold and white in the trees where they had retreated after a particularly disastrous family picnic (hers, not his), the angle all wrong as his steps shook the camera, went in his own bag, never left behind, never forgotten. They leave the house and take the memories.
HELLO ALONE {anberlin}
// is this where the interstate ends
in coastal towns like this?
waiting for my world to cave under
we seem to invent ourselves in places unknown \\
It doesn't take long for them to settle into what could almost be called a routine. New names in every town - at first, Dean thinks it's a game, you get to be whoever for a couple of days, no consequences. John treats it like a job, though, because it practically is one; they have drills, going over and over answers to questions that strangers might ask, what school do you go to, where are your parents. It stops being a game, Dean stops looking forward to wherever they're going next, and John feels like he's killed something in his son.
MOTORBREATH {metallica}
// living and dying, laughing and crying
once you have seen it, you will never be the same
life in the fast lane is just how it seems
hard and it's heavy, it's dirty and mean \\
He learns about hunting the hard way, with little instruction and more on the job training. Pastor Jim gives him invaluable tips, and a place to leave the boys when he's got a lead and doesn't want them at risk. Bill Harvelle helped him out, too - except that ended in disaster, and John winces when he thinks about it. He didn't think it would be easy, but it's worse than he had imagined, and he hardens his heart because if he doesn't, he'll never live long enough to get the revenge he needs.
LAST OF DAYS {a fine frenzy}
// through walls and harvest moons, I will fight for you
the world carries on without you, but nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you until the last of days
until the last of days \\
Nights he dreams about her are the best and the worst, and he dreads the day that he's sure is coming when her voice is no longer clear in his mind, when he can't feel her there beside him like she should have been all along. He loves the memory of her, but he hates waking to know that she isn't really there, that everything has changed. It fuels his determination but kills his spirit.
RECLUSION {anberlin}
// you're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
my mask is growing heavy, but I've forgotten who's beneath
you're sick, sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide \\
He doesn't tell Sam, but Sam knows what it is he does, and he doesn't have to ask how; the answer is in Dean's accusing look, the very first time he can think of that he's ever gotten that from him. And maybe six was awfully old to still be in the dark about why they moved around so much, why they couldn't give their real names (Dean had been six when he'd handed him a gun the first time, but that was different, Sam and Dean were different). But he had wanted to protect Sam, shelter him from the dirty truth that would only endanger him more to know. Dean had taken away his choice, and he understood and resented it, but he didn't question it.
BEAUTIFUL CALM DRIVING {sia}
// you're a stranger to me, you're a danger to me
beautiful calm driving, emotional hiding, effortlessly shining
you turned into another, [...] you turned into another man \\
Somewhere along the lines, when John wasn't looking, Dean became a man, and he wasn't sure how exactly he should feel about that, still seeing in those green eyes the silent four year old, not the sullen sixteen year old who offered to drive when he was tired, who asked him in the shadows of a Rhode Island motel room if he could come along on the hunt this time. Somewhere in the years that stretched between them like a rubber band pulled too tight, sure to snap, Dean had gone from the boy he knew to a man he wasn't sure he did, unfamiliar, dependable, and curious. John let him come.
STICK TO YOUR GUNS {bon jovi}
// there's no living in the backseat if you're gonna drive through town
and when you pray for independence, boy, you better stand your ground
you got to give it all you got now, or you might get shot down
fight hard until the battle is won, stick to your gun \\
He gives Dean more responsibility when he starts coming along on the hunts, makes him prove that he can do it, almost begging for a reason to tell him to stay in the motel room, keep Sam company, just be safe. But he can't bring himself to say it without a reason, and grudgingly he has to admit that Dean is good at hunting - practically bred for it, and doesn't John know it; he was the one who raised him that way. Feeling sorry for it wouldn't do anyone any good, though, so he lectures more, pushes harder, and he tries to make sure that if his son is going to hunt, he's not going to hunt stupid.
IT'S BEGINNING TO GET TO ME {snow patrol}
// and it's beginning to get to me, that I know more of the stars and sea
than I do of what's in your head, barely touching your cold bed
are you beginning to get my point? that all this fighting with aching joints
it's doing nothing but tire us out; no one knows what this fight is about \\
Sam wants safe, and they can never have safe. He wants to stay in the town where he had his first date, where he could finish out eighth grade, or where he was entered into the science fair. Over time, the friction between the life they have and the life he wants creates heat like sandpaper against metal, sparking into the arguments that drive him out to the hunt aggravated, that leave Dean muttering complacencies, trying to calm them both and failing. John wonders if Sam understands that he's only trying to keep them safe. He thinks he probably doesn't, but he doesn't make it any clearer.
ORPHANS {jack's mannequin}
// now you're wandering into the night
but you're no orphan, you're not an orphan
I never thought the day would come
they tell me you've finally run
I guess you always said you would someday \\
The night Sam leaves is the night the spark ignites the fuse and it explodes on them, the fight almost coming to fists until Dean intervenes, quiet again like he gets when he's really upset, but they don't stop arguing until Sam grabs his bag and heads for the door. John tells him not to come back if he's going to leave, because he doesn't think he could stand to do this again. Sam says he won't, and for some reason that he can't quite figure out, that hurts.
FALLING DOWN {story of the year}
// now I can taste the war that I've been fighting
start to fall, but I'm still standing here, behind the wall of dying faith
I can't forget the fight that's growing stronger
face to face with hopes of longer days, to build on something we should save \\
By the time he sees the boys again, he's closer than he's ever been to finishing out this fight, and he tries to get them to understand that he has to finish this himself, but they don't. Dean argues with him, probably the first time he ever really has with any kind of conviction, and in the end, grudgingly, he agrees. Stronger as a family.
USED TO {daughtry}
// you used to talk to me like I was the only one around
you used to lean on me like the only other choice was falling down
[...] we used to have this under control
we never thought, we used to know
at least there's you, and at least there's me
can we get this back? can we get this back to how it used to be? \\
"No, Sam. I want to stop losing people we love. I want you to go to school. I want Dean to have a home. I want Mary alive. I just... I just want this to be over."
THE FATAL WOUND {switchfoot}
// son of sorrow, staring down tomorrow with an aching view
disenchanted, let's go down together, with the fatal wound
this is the real thing, no rubber bullets now
this is the final bow \\
"Time of death -- 10:41AM."