(no subject)
Ok, guess I had what you might call a minor breakdown today.
First three hours of the day were fine. Great, really. And last night was lots of fun, and I hope that more happens there, so I still had all of that with me in the beginning of the day.
Then I got into 4th hr, and realized how much I'm screwing up in that class. And the reason started dawning on me, as well. I mean, I tried paying attention today, I really did. I tried paying attention when he talked to me, when he talked about the book. But I couldn't.
Same thing with Bean. I tried paying attention, but I'm not really sure what we were talking about in either of those hours.
Afterwards, I went to the auditorium. Just sat in the audience for a little bit, but ended up going into the very back, behind that wall, and crying. I just felt so hopeless. There is no focus. There is no control. I've been feeling so happy lately, but the abstract-random-spacey thing has been getting worse. Yesterday at work I couldn't focus, I just walked around forgetting what I was doing. Last night, I kept blanking out of the conversation. We laughed about it, and I was still having fun, but I look back at that and it scares me.
I just can't keep it together. Sometimes I do really well. I'm finding that I'm better in the morning, and it gets progressively worse through the day.
Today, in the back of the auditorium, I just had this feeling like it's starting to ruin my life, and I can't stop it. It just creeps up where it has no business being. It's often funny, but it's also distressing, because I'm not playing around, I'm not trying to be cute. I honestly just sort of fade out. And when I embrace it, when I just let it happen and try to get through it, I can handle it. It's just a quirk that I have when I let it flow. But then, like today, I realize that it's getting in the way. Even right now I'm fighting the urge to get up and do something else. It's hard. I don't like it.
This hurts, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried.
First three hours of the day were fine. Great, really. And last night was lots of fun, and I hope that more happens there, so I still had all of that with me in the beginning of the day.
Then I got into 4th hr, and realized how much I'm screwing up in that class. And the reason started dawning on me, as well. I mean, I tried paying attention today, I really did. I tried paying attention when he talked to me, when he talked about the book. But I couldn't.
Same thing with Bean. I tried paying attention, but I'm not really sure what we were talking about in either of those hours.
Afterwards, I went to the auditorium. Just sat in the audience for a little bit, but ended up going into the very back, behind that wall, and crying. I just felt so hopeless. There is no focus. There is no control. I've been feeling so happy lately, but the abstract-random-spacey thing has been getting worse. Yesterday at work I couldn't focus, I just walked around forgetting what I was doing. Last night, I kept blanking out of the conversation. We laughed about it, and I was still having fun, but I look back at that and it scares me.
I just can't keep it together. Sometimes I do really well. I'm finding that I'm better in the morning, and it gets progressively worse through the day.
Today, in the back of the auditorium, I just had this feeling like it's starting to ruin my life, and I can't stop it. It just creeps up where it has no business being. It's often funny, but it's also distressing, because I'm not playing around, I'm not trying to be cute. I honestly just sort of fade out. And when I embrace it, when I just let it happen and try to get through it, I can handle it. It's just a quirk that I have when I let it flow. But then, like today, I realize that it's getting in the way. Even right now I'm fighting the urge to get up and do something else. It's hard. I don't like it.
This hurts, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried.