(no subject)
what's the use anymore...
everyone knows that Jen and i are not together anymore. my fault, yes. no one needs to know how or why we are done, or anything that came up from it. but i was angry, and i told someone some fucked up shit. some was misinturpreted and made things worse and yes, all my fault again. i am sorry about that. i feel awful about it too.
i realize now that no matter how i want things to go now, me and jen will never be together again. i may be a fool to want such things but being a fool is my specialty so it is no surprise. i swear this ove thing is not for me anymore. everytime is just a mistake. each time i jst lose everything. i give to much. then lose even more. maybe someone else's view see's it differently but this is the way i feel. i lose more and more friends and people that i trust. now when i get back i will be a stranger i a hometown full of bad memories. yes i will have a great job there. money to buy a house and get my life started, but what does it matter. i think about just joining active army so i can meet people and not have to worry about all that shit like responsabilities or coming home to a lonely house. which is another fucked up thing. when i got off that plane at bwi the other day, it was like i never left the states. it felt like i went on a 2 day drill weekend. my mind blocked out everything i guess and the last thing i could remember was the laying in bed with jen after driving some 600 miles to save her from the bad traffic, and next moment i was in a vehicle coming home from the airport. then to come home, and to try to go too sleep in a bed where "just yesturday" i fell asleep with jen im my arms. it wasn't working. still hasn't. what do i do now.
to everyone that i know. i am sorry. i may not be visiting you while i am on leave. if you are upset about that, give me an email or call or something, i will see what i can do. but fo now i just feel like laying down. or figuring out a way to get my stuff out of the apartment, which amounts too throwing it l out and starting over when i get back. fuck it. i f i don't need it now, why would i ever need it, i guess.
i loved jen. more than family. i wanted marrage so much. just not before i left. i guess i should of thought about that a little harder. i will stop reading jen's journal. everyone that comments there hates me and doesn't fully understand everything going on anyways. i will just save myself a lot of heartache. if jen wants to write or whatever, that is fine by me. i will never stop caring about her, i just feel like she will eventually stop wasting her time thinking about me or just stop putting on good face. we had so much in common. i don't think i will ever meet a girl that is like her, or crazy, sexy, cool, like her that is not a complete moron. i hate the way girls act, or thier stupidity. jen was actually different. we fought, but i never thought is was serious, usually we would just purposly push each other's buttons, and make fun of each other, get a little angry and then talk it over, and be fine. i like it most times. but she needs someone better than me. someone mature. someone than can fix anything right at that moment. so one that can fulfill all promises. someone not like me i guess. sometimes i just can't hold back the tears. yesturday me and mom went out to eat and i lost it in the resaraunt. now i am losing it and can't fully see the keys or the screen, so i am getting off. fuck this life. i think i will head back to iraq a little early. hopefully i can get into the grove of things thier sooner. because now, finally. that place scares me. because now i have nothing more to live for.
everyone knows that Jen and i are not together anymore. my fault, yes. no one needs to know how or why we are done, or anything that came up from it. but i was angry, and i told someone some fucked up shit. some was misinturpreted and made things worse and yes, all my fault again. i am sorry about that. i feel awful about it too.
i realize now that no matter how i want things to go now, me and jen will never be together again. i may be a fool to want such things but being a fool is my specialty so it is no surprise. i swear this ove thing is not for me anymore. everytime is just a mistake. each time i jst lose everything. i give to much. then lose even more. maybe someone else's view see's it differently but this is the way i feel. i lose more and more friends and people that i trust. now when i get back i will be a stranger i a hometown full of bad memories. yes i will have a great job there. money to buy a house and get my life started, but what does it matter. i think about just joining active army so i can meet people and not have to worry about all that shit like responsabilities or coming home to a lonely house. which is another fucked up thing. when i got off that plane at bwi the other day, it was like i never left the states. it felt like i went on a 2 day drill weekend. my mind blocked out everything i guess and the last thing i could remember was the laying in bed with jen after driving some 600 miles to save her from the bad traffic, and next moment i was in a vehicle coming home from the airport. then to come home, and to try to go too sleep in a bed where "just yesturday" i fell asleep with jen im my arms. it wasn't working. still hasn't. what do i do now.
to everyone that i know. i am sorry. i may not be visiting you while i am on leave. if you are upset about that, give me an email or call or something, i will see what i can do. but fo now i just feel like laying down. or figuring out a way to get my stuff out of the apartment, which amounts too throwing it l out and starting over when i get back. fuck it. i f i don't need it now, why would i ever need it, i guess.
i loved jen. more than family. i wanted marrage so much. just not before i left. i guess i should of thought about that a little harder. i will stop reading jen's journal. everyone that comments there hates me and doesn't fully understand everything going on anyways. i will just save myself a lot of heartache. if jen wants to write or whatever, that is fine by me. i will never stop caring about her, i just feel like she will eventually stop wasting her time thinking about me or just stop putting on good face. we had so much in common. i don't think i will ever meet a girl that is like her, or crazy, sexy, cool, like her that is not a complete moron. i hate the way girls act, or thier stupidity. jen was actually different. we fought, but i never thought is was serious, usually we would just purposly push each other's buttons, and make fun of each other, get a little angry and then talk it over, and be fine. i like it most times. but she needs someone better than me. someone mature. someone than can fix anything right at that moment. so one that can fulfill all promises. someone not like me i guess. sometimes i just can't hold back the tears. yesturday me and mom went out to eat and i lost it in the resaraunt. now i am losing it and can't fully see the keys or the screen, so i am getting off. fuck this life. i think i will head back to iraq a little early. hopefully i can get into the grove of things thier sooner. because now, finally. that place scares me. because now i have nothing more to live for.