don't read this, just skip over
bunny is not teh lazy, bunny is exhausted. exhausted from life. i always try to be good and friendly and the person that helps out or good at his job or whatever. but i never come close.
i do try, i try at so much at the same time, so many things i try to do at the same time, really wears me down.
i think a lot when i am at work. about everything, it gets to me, it consumes so much of my mental capacity, all the time though, at home, in bed, in my dreams. it sucks.
i don't fit in here, anywhere really, i never have. i have never had any true friends, anyone i can count on day after day. someone i can call up and say, hey whatever about whatever. and just talk, and know that we are talking because that person is my friend and cares about how i am doing, and the same back, not because i am wierd, or cornered them into a conversation.
sometimes i just don't want to be bothered, i don't want to think that oh my, people have problems, i should help. it would be nice of me.
i really try to be a good person, i know i am hyper, and somewhat irritating to people, and i come on as a dumb bastard. barely able to form complete sentences. i don't know why, i'd like to think it isn't true but it is, i am dumb, it hurts sometimes, to be in a conversation with people and no one listens to me, they just pass of seeming smart sentences as something i am coping from someone else. or if i know something that noone knows much about they just pass it off as i am making shit up.
i wish i could sit with jen, as we both think to ourselves that it is all ok. but it will never be like that, even if it is i wouldn't allow it.
i will worry about some wierd shit about something.
so the java jive clan,
...
don't really want to go into that now, much pain though.
the bellefonte clan, fuck them, i never was fucking anyones friend, i was the coolest person around, and i owned the school, and all that shit, but when i went home each night, i would be alone. same as always, if i ever hung out with someone, it was because i called them or showed up at there house or some shit.
whatever. i did a lot for a lot of people in bellefonte, only to have them all turn on me for nothing.
fuck this all. i don't think you are fuckin cool, or fucking deserve to be acknowledged as a human being, i would fucking like to see you die, but do i let you know that, do i give you an attitude about everything, do i fucking stab you in the back, NO, never, never would i ever consider such a thing. but this happens repeatedly to me, not just here, everywhere. (if you are ever reading this i am not talking to you, just something i would like to tell some people i know)
so about the fitting in
i will not ever "fit in" with anyone i know, maybe mike hill, yeah about the only one, i am not really liked, or any of that. i cannot find a friend to call a real friend, i can't change though, i know if i did though i might have a chance, but fuck that, it's not my style, the way i am has done more harm to myself and everone i know thn is healthy, but i still would never change,
maybe i should find somewhere else to go, look in other places, i8 schools i have attended, many differnet people and personalities, i was usually always liked, as in could talk to outside of school if we meet, by everyone i have come in contact with, but never accepted as anyone special, usually same outcome, lonely, no one to hang out with, or talk to. never invited to parties, or the mall. so there has to be something wrong with me
i am doomed to be an outcast, forever, just my jen, i love you jen, an d i am happy with you, but i don't belong with your friends, it hurts me to be around them, i am happy with you and will always be, but i wish i had someone else to hang out with once in a while, or someone we could both hang out with, that we are cool with and is cool with US, you and ME,
i guess i am so fucked up right now that i don't really know what the fuck i am talking about, i feal lonely, i always have, i am not sure if anyone i know can really relate to this, 20 years, just now finding someone i really do care about, someone i want to be with, someone i can look to the future with, so wh do i want something else, i don't know, greedy maybe,
i can't really properly explain myself anymore, at all really. nor do i want to anymore. i just want to go to bed and not wake up tomorrow, hopefully sleep these fealings off, and tuck them away like every other i have ever had, but whatever, i'm out, peace
i do try, i try at so much at the same time, so many things i try to do at the same time, really wears me down.
i think a lot when i am at work. about everything, it gets to me, it consumes so much of my mental capacity, all the time though, at home, in bed, in my dreams. it sucks.
i don't fit in here, anywhere really, i never have. i have never had any true friends, anyone i can count on day after day. someone i can call up and say, hey whatever about whatever. and just talk, and know that we are talking because that person is my friend and cares about how i am doing, and the same back, not because i am wierd, or cornered them into a conversation.
sometimes i just don't want to be bothered, i don't want to think that oh my, people have problems, i should help. it would be nice of me.
i really try to be a good person, i know i am hyper, and somewhat irritating to people, and i come on as a dumb bastard. barely able to form complete sentences. i don't know why, i'd like to think it isn't true but it is, i am dumb, it hurts sometimes, to be in a conversation with people and no one listens to me, they just pass of seeming smart sentences as something i am coping from someone else. or if i know something that noone knows much about they just pass it off as i am making shit up.
i wish i could sit with jen, as we both think to ourselves that it is all ok. but it will never be like that, even if it is i wouldn't allow it.
i will worry about some wierd shit about something.
so the java jive clan,
...
don't really want to go into that now, much pain though.
the bellefonte clan, fuck them, i never was fucking anyones friend, i was the coolest person around, and i owned the school, and all that shit, but when i went home each night, i would be alone. same as always, if i ever hung out with someone, it was because i called them or showed up at there house or some shit.
whatever. i did a lot for a lot of people in bellefonte, only to have them all turn on me for nothing.
fuck this all. i don't think you are fuckin cool, or fucking deserve to be acknowledged as a human being, i would fucking like to see you die, but do i let you know that, do i give you an attitude about everything, do i fucking stab you in the back, NO, never, never would i ever consider such a thing. but this happens repeatedly to me, not just here, everywhere. (if you are ever reading this i am not talking to you, just something i would like to tell some people i know)
so about the fitting in
i will not ever "fit in" with anyone i know, maybe mike hill, yeah about the only one, i am not really liked, or any of that. i cannot find a friend to call a real friend, i can't change though, i know if i did though i might have a chance, but fuck that, it's not my style, the way i am has done more harm to myself and everone i know thn is healthy, but i still would never change,
maybe i should find somewhere else to go, look in other places, i8 schools i have attended, many differnet people and personalities, i was usually always liked, as in could talk to outside of school if we meet, by everyone i have come in contact with, but never accepted as anyone special, usually same outcome, lonely, no one to hang out with, or talk to. never invited to parties, or the mall. so there has to be something wrong with me
i am doomed to be an outcast, forever, just my jen, i love you jen, an d i am happy with you, but i don't belong with your friends, it hurts me to be around them, i am happy with you and will always be, but i wish i had someone else to hang out with once in a while, or someone we could both hang out with, that we are cool with and is cool with US, you and ME,
i guess i am so fucked up right now that i don't really know what the fuck i am talking about, i feal lonely, i always have, i am not sure if anyone i know can really relate to this, 20 years, just now finding someone i really do care about, someone i want to be with, someone i can look to the future with, so wh do i want something else, i don't know, greedy maybe,
i can't really properly explain myself anymore, at all really. nor do i want to anymore. i just want to go to bed and not wake up tomorrow, hopefully sleep these fealings off, and tuck them away like every other i have ever had, but whatever, i'm out, peace