So I don't lose the entry if I lose the journal
May Day and no one to love. :(
I was wandering barefoot in the muck today at Faerie Fest and stopped by a vendor's tent to see what I could see. She was selling many very pretty things, but what caught my eye was a stack of what looked like Tarot cards. Being slightly anal retentive, I started putting the cards back into a neat pile. The vendor lady noticed and picked the cards up, then splayed them in both of her hands. "These are goddess cards. Pick one, but be sure to use your left hand." I thought carefully, looking at all of the cards, and when my eyes rested, I chose that card. The picture was a very pretty woman in blue who looked calm. Her name was Eireen (eye REEN) and she was the goddess of peace. "Do not worry, for everything will be all right." I was taken aback by its message and how pertinent it was to how I've been feeling lately. The lady gave me a book that gave a bit of a deeper meaning to the card. "Whatever happens, it is all a part of a greater plan. Learn to accept it in time. Everything will be all right." I gave the card back to the woman and went outside the tent, encouraging the others to try it. While I waited for them, I stood on a tree stump nearby and looked out onto wetlands that were a part of the farm. I thought about how random the card had seemed but how poignant the message was. I felt as if Gma were at Faerie Fest today and that she knew that I was there to prepare myself for next week, to prepare myself to accept her death. Only out in the secluded countryside, surrounded by beautiful people who believed in good things and nature and healing and love could I begin to believe and accept that Gma was really gone and that I wouldn't see her again until I, too, passed away. While I was contemplating all of this, my thneed wrapped around me for warmth, an older lady in green took my picture, smiled at me, and walked away. I didn't have faerie wings on, I didn't look like all of the special people running around in elaborate costumes. But someone thought that I was a beautiful, otherworldly being. That made me feel special. Still overwhelmed by the message I felt like my Gma had sent to me, I sat down on the stump and cried. I told the others that I needed to disappear for a little bit, so I went deeper into the vendor area, deeper into the muck and the hay and looked at things. Shiny things, heavy things, jangly things, colourful things, things that burned and smelled good, things that were made of natural ingredients, things that were painted, things that made noise, things that made little children squeal with happiness. I put my hands into bowls of potpourri and took a little bit that smelled like citrus and flowers and clean. I walked past the tents towards a small wooden bridge that crossed over a small stream that ran throughout the farm. I tried to dip my feet in, but my legs were too short. I whispered a little something to Gma and dropped the sweet-smelling bits into the water, then watched as they flowed out on the other side and away, maybe even traveling as far as the maypole on the other side of the grounds. That's where Audra and Steve found me a little while later, staring into the water. I'm now reminded of a saying that is printed in the front of Steven King's Different Seasons. It's by a French philosopher named Flaubert: "Everything goes. Everything passes. Water will flow, and the heart will forget." I don't agree that the heart forgets things. My heart will never forget Gma and all she meant to me, nor will it forget the pain of losing her, but the pain will ebb away someday until only a little is left. It'll still come back every now and then, like on holidays and get togethers, on graduation, or during her birthday or the anniversary of her death--times when her absence will be most greatly noticed and felt. But there will come a time when a certain song or a certain memory won't reduce me to tears or a dull throb of pain in my chest. For now though, I am calmed by the knowledge that she was there for me and that someday, I'll be okay.
I was wandering barefoot in the muck today at Faerie Fest and stopped by a vendor's tent to see what I could see. She was selling many very pretty things, but what caught my eye was a stack of what looked like Tarot cards. Being slightly anal retentive, I started putting the cards back into a neat pile. The vendor lady noticed and picked the cards up, then splayed them in both of her hands. "These are goddess cards. Pick one, but be sure to use your left hand." I thought carefully, looking at all of the cards, and when my eyes rested, I chose that card. The picture was a very pretty woman in blue who looked calm. Her name was Eireen (eye REEN) and she was the goddess of peace. "Do not worry, for everything will be all right." I was taken aback by its message and how pertinent it was to how I've been feeling lately. The lady gave me a book that gave a bit of a deeper meaning to the card. "Whatever happens, it is all a part of a greater plan. Learn to accept it in time. Everything will be all right." I gave the card back to the woman and went outside the tent, encouraging the others to try it. While I waited for them, I stood on a tree stump nearby and looked out onto wetlands that were a part of the farm. I thought about how random the card had seemed but how poignant the message was. I felt as if Gma were at Faerie Fest today and that she knew that I was there to prepare myself for next week, to prepare myself to accept her death. Only out in the secluded countryside, surrounded by beautiful people who believed in good things and nature and healing and love could I begin to believe and accept that Gma was really gone and that I wouldn't see her again until I, too, passed away. While I was contemplating all of this, my thneed wrapped around me for warmth, an older lady in green took my picture, smiled at me, and walked away. I didn't have faerie wings on, I didn't look like all of the special people running around in elaborate costumes. But someone thought that I was a beautiful, otherworldly being. That made me feel special. Still overwhelmed by the message I felt like my Gma had sent to me, I sat down on the stump and cried. I told the others that I needed to disappear for a little bit, so I went deeper into the vendor area, deeper into the muck and the hay and looked at things. Shiny things, heavy things, jangly things, colourful things, things that burned and smelled good, things that were made of natural ingredients, things that were painted, things that made noise, things that made little children squeal with happiness. I put my hands into bowls of potpourri and took a little bit that smelled like citrus and flowers and clean. I walked past the tents towards a small wooden bridge that crossed over a small stream that ran throughout the farm. I tried to dip my feet in, but my legs were too short. I whispered a little something to Gma and dropped the sweet-smelling bits into the water, then watched as they flowed out on the other side and away, maybe even traveling as far as the maypole on the other side of the grounds. That's where Audra and Steve found me a little while later, staring into the water. I'm now reminded of a saying that is printed in the front of Steven King's Different Seasons. It's by a French philosopher named Flaubert: "Everything goes. Everything passes. Water will flow, and the heart will forget." I don't agree that the heart forgets things. My heart will never forget Gma and all she meant to me, nor will it forget the pain of losing her, but the pain will ebb away someday until only a little is left. It'll still come back every now and then, like on holidays and get togethers, on graduation, or during her birthday or the anniversary of her death--times when her absence will be most greatly noticed and felt. But there will come a time when a certain song or a certain memory won't reduce me to tears or a dull throb of pain in my chest. For now though, I am calmed by the knowledge that she was there for me and that someday, I'll be okay.