(no subject)
well, I didn't e-mail her the whole thing, but yesteday we went and watched a movie, a romantic movie which she picked. (I just don't get it! How can she be so heartless and at the same time she likes to watch romantic movies!) Anyhow, we talked and talked. She told me she is seeing someone right now. ( As far as I know, that is her 4th person since I knew her in last six month )so I asked do you like him? and she said "I don't know yet". Then I asked her what happen if you don't like him. "I just look for another person." Then I asked her what if he liked you and he got hurt for you not liking him? and I was shoked by her answer. she says: "I have been hurt by guys before, so It is okay if I hurt few of them too" and then she laughs about it saying that she didn't mean it. Then in the car she is telling me that we are friends and that I should move on, blah blah blah. so I told her. Tell me that you don't love me and I'll leave you right now, but she refuses to respond with an answer. She tells me "I'm a very sweet guy and that she don't deserve me. You always bring me gifts, and stuff, take me to nice places and I enjoy your company, blah, blah, blah and that she didn't mean to hurt me" So I asked her why were you the one who asked me out the first time? Her respond was: "Because you were a coworker and a good friend and I wanted to have a good time with you and most guys go out with 20 different girls every month, and they don't have a problem with that...". So I asked her: Is this what you want me to do? and she laughed saying "no". Then I was like tell me then what you like and I'll be that person, but she still would not give me a good answer. she just run away from my questions by telling me: "I don't not know what I want" okay, then I asked her: what is it wrong with me? What do I need to do to change? and then she responds by " nothing. you are perfect, sweet, good looking. You are a good friend". I'm telling you. She is driving me crazy, but I still love her. I really do. She even gave me advices on how to get over her because she thinks I'm her first love and I guess she is an expert on break ups I quess. So I tell her, I don't want to know that. All I want to know is how to get to your heart. Anyway, the whole thing was back and force. nobody wins!!! Only me gets hurt in the end and go home and cry all night. I just can't belive what is happening to me. over 6 feet tall guy and still cried like a baby. I hate "love". I wish I can have the cabablity to hate one day or just be a jerk like eveyone else or maybe just kill myself and help endangering mankind. If god granted me to make a wish. This would be it "I want to be a jerk" and just hurt people. I know this is crazy and obscure, but the older I get the more I realize that to be a human is to “kill, hate and destroy” and to make it in life I have to be "greedy, selfish and sneaky"