I will build my life around you
I wrote the following on 31 December 2008. I’ve since had some time to further reflect and have included my thoughts in the postscript.
===
31 December 2008
Tuesday's Living Room, Chicago
As I sit here typing, I do so with very limited connectivity which I suppose affords me the lack of distraction. I’m visiting Tuesday in Chicago. I arrived yesterday at Midway. Wow, what a train ride.
So this is of course my ‘2008 In Review’ post. Where to begin? Well, I ended 2007 In Review with “In 2008 I hope...for many things.” I fear that this is still the case.
I think I shall call 2008 the year of disappointment. It certainly was.
I’m trying to figure out how to best preface all of this and make it tie in as it does in my head. I realise some of you might not be familiar with past events, so I’m trying to take that into consideration.
At the beginning of 2008, Jon and I were still dating. I, finally fed up with the lack of progress, ended the relationship sometime in March. We’ve done some going back and forth on it. I gave it another go in September and ultimately ended it in late October. There’s so much I could say about this, but it almost feels not worth it to me. I’ve said it all before and I’m tired of being a stuck record. In the end, let’s just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.
I truly cared for Jon at the end of 2007. I wanted things to work, but I couldn’t help but feel that things would never progress beyond the weirdness we made. I admit now that the age difference made things difficult; he had his routines and experiences. I had my lack of direction and general disdain for planning. First of all, it’s important you know that Jon’s a very methodical person. Everything has its own special place and time. So too did I. It’s also important that you know I’m stubborn and hate to be confined. I told Jon on several occasions that he lived in three spheres: home, work, and me. Work being the predominate sphere-few things surpassed his love of ATA (though I’m sure now he’d say otherwise, to my dismay). Home and I NEVER overlapped. My ideal relationship is a little more encompassing than that; in fact, I demand to be acknowledged in all three. I don’t deny that for some this limited overlapping can work, but not for me. Thus, Jon seemed to be content with allocating me some time, but not nearly as much as I had wanted. It’s my belief that ATA time we spent together (lunch, e-mailing on the clock) counted toward this finite limit...I was less than pleased, but honestly, short of getting out of a routine, I probably couldn’t have been pleased. In retrospect, it was somewhat set up to fail after I had determined its ending.
I truly remember 16 December 2007 as the day I determined our relationship wouldn’t go anywhere. As you know, I absolutely love Emm’s album The Summer of High Hopes. I had been listening to the album after he left from spending the night, it was the first and one of the very few times he had. Anyway, the song Merlot came on. I hadn’t cared for it much before then, but the lyrics really clicked and as I heard her sing The Summer of High Hopes brought tears of red Merlot and the fact our love would never grow, I knew it was over. The decline in health of Jon’s father (and ultimate death) in January prevented me from doing much, but I also acknowledge that I wanted to see if maybe things could be turned around. They didn’t and thus we broke up.
In April, ATA closed. I look back at those eight long months and cringe. I can only equate it to a funeral that never ended. I was not around for any of the good times and I therefore don’t feel so nostalgic about its closure. I felt underused, underpaid, and stuck in limbo. I started working at IU after a very sordid hiring process that resulted in me being denied three weeks of pay because I was technically unemployed. My hiring supervisor had asked me to start as soon as possible so I gave ATA immediate notice. I then sat at home for two weeks going bat shit crazy. It gave me some satisfaction to know that my boss was fired in June. It gave me more satisfaction in August when I took his job.
My job...I love the variety. I love the benefits. I love that I’m making $7,000 more a year over last year. I hate the sterility. I hate the lack of logic in academia. I hate that my boss is confusing even when I corner her for an answer. I hate that I have to contain myself because the real me is too abrasive, too caustic, and too over-the-top for that place. Nonetheless, now is not the time to be job hopping, and even if it were, I wouldn’t. I’m content where I am...Assistant to the Chair.
I’ve gone back to school starting Fall 2008. It’s nothing major, just two classes a semester, but it felt good to do well and to feel like I’m working toward something that I do want-and I do want a Bachelor’s degree. I just hate the bullshit that accompanies it. So, I’m doing my best to dilute the bullshit and stick with it. I invite all of you to help me stay encouraged because this will take me at least four years to finish. We all know I’m not good with patience or dealing with things that take a while...
In June my youngest brother moved in with me. I did what I felt I had to do at the time. It wasn’t easy for me and it still isn’t. I’m still looking for when he can be safely transitioned back to my mother’s since that’s where he now spends the bulk of his time. It was quite trying in the beginning...we’re back to that being confined bit that I don’t care for. I have to take a moment and acknowledge that Kyle has been truly gracious about this. I didn’t give him a choice in the matter given its nature, but he was still a resource and I thank him for that.
All of my family is now back in Indiana except for my brother William and his son. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Perhaps a little too close when they’re just six blocks away.
Kyle went to the Netherlands on 16 December. Sometimes I think living alone would be nice, but I don’t know that right now’s the best time for me. I especially don’t think living alone in that house is the best idea. I’m glad that I went down to visit Cody and to Chicago. I might otherwise be in bad shape. I guess I’m like a pet in that I need attention. I’ve thought about this though and maybe it’s not so much attention as much as it’s just knowing that someone’s there.
I had a good time in Nashville. I’ve not always had good results with my trips down there. My intent was originally to just get away from my house and see the city. Cody was a good host and took me to downtown. I had later found out whilst there that Jonathan was in town. We met up for dinner and had a really good conversation. I finally got the chance to lay my demons to rest and I feel all the better for it. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of all in the name of proving my worth to him. I’ve come to terms with the limitations of our relationship and feel happy simply to have that. I’ve also come to understand that Jonathan’s one of those people you shouldn’t expect to be in constant contact with and I respect that. I left Nashville with better memories than when I had arrived.
I still maintain that the best week of my life was Spring Break 2003. By far, it is the standard to which I compare all other events. It bothers me that I’ve yet to experience something of similar magnitude.
These things always sound better in my head with much better transitions. I think that’s it for now. Feel free to respond. I miss all of you.
===
Postscript:
Jon came over last night and we talked about everything mentioned above. I really needed to talk to someone because I was emotionally constipated. I had a flurry of feelings that I didn't think I should have after such a great visit to Nashville. I figured out that I finally have closure and it was just the remorse of something (officially) ending, even though it did long ago.
As crazy as I make my Mother sound, she's probably a bit worse. It never ceases to amaze me, though, how she can be so prophetic at times. When I was ten, we were somehow on the discussion of sex. Her words, which harrow me to this day, were, "Shane, you will never forget your first."
And while it's absolutely true, I can now truly write the finishing touches on a chapter that I've left open for far too long with hope for the future.
In 2009 I...
* hope to get my moods under control, even if this means seeing someone...
* want to reinforce my dedication to my education.
* want to transition Payton back to Mother.
* want to move closer to downtown.
* want to strengthen relationships so I don't feel so alone or unaccomplished.
Until next time, my loves.
===
31 December 2008
Tuesday's Living Room, Chicago
As I sit here typing, I do so with very limited connectivity which I suppose affords me the lack of distraction. I’m visiting Tuesday in Chicago. I arrived yesterday at Midway. Wow, what a train ride.
So this is of course my ‘2008 In Review’ post. Where to begin? Well, I ended 2007 In Review with “In 2008 I hope...for many things.” I fear that this is still the case.
I think I shall call 2008 the year of disappointment. It certainly was.
I’m trying to figure out how to best preface all of this and make it tie in as it does in my head. I realise some of you might not be familiar with past events, so I’m trying to take that into consideration.
At the beginning of 2008, Jon and I were still dating. I, finally fed up with the lack of progress, ended the relationship sometime in March. We’ve done some going back and forth on it. I gave it another go in September and ultimately ended it in late October. There’s so much I could say about this, but it almost feels not worth it to me. I’ve said it all before and I’m tired of being a stuck record. In the end, let’s just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.
I truly cared for Jon at the end of 2007. I wanted things to work, but I couldn’t help but feel that things would never progress beyond the weirdness we made. I admit now that the age difference made things difficult; he had his routines and experiences. I had my lack of direction and general disdain for planning. First of all, it’s important you know that Jon’s a very methodical person. Everything has its own special place and time. So too did I. It’s also important that you know I’m stubborn and hate to be confined. I told Jon on several occasions that he lived in three spheres: home, work, and me. Work being the predominate sphere-few things surpassed his love of ATA (though I’m sure now he’d say otherwise, to my dismay). Home and I NEVER overlapped. My ideal relationship is a little more encompassing than that; in fact, I demand to be acknowledged in all three. I don’t deny that for some this limited overlapping can work, but not for me. Thus, Jon seemed to be content with allocating me some time, but not nearly as much as I had wanted. It’s my belief that ATA time we spent together (lunch, e-mailing on the clock) counted toward this finite limit...I was less than pleased, but honestly, short of getting out of a routine, I probably couldn’t have been pleased. In retrospect, it was somewhat set up to fail after I had determined its ending.
I truly remember 16 December 2007 as the day I determined our relationship wouldn’t go anywhere. As you know, I absolutely love Emm’s album The Summer of High Hopes. I had been listening to the album after he left from spending the night, it was the first and one of the very few times he had. Anyway, the song Merlot came on. I hadn’t cared for it much before then, but the lyrics really clicked and as I heard her sing The Summer of High Hopes brought tears of red Merlot and the fact our love would never grow, I knew it was over. The decline in health of Jon’s father (and ultimate death) in January prevented me from doing much, but I also acknowledge that I wanted to see if maybe things could be turned around. They didn’t and thus we broke up.
In April, ATA closed. I look back at those eight long months and cringe. I can only equate it to a funeral that never ended. I was not around for any of the good times and I therefore don’t feel so nostalgic about its closure. I felt underused, underpaid, and stuck in limbo. I started working at IU after a very sordid hiring process that resulted in me being denied three weeks of pay because I was technically unemployed. My hiring supervisor had asked me to start as soon as possible so I gave ATA immediate notice. I then sat at home for two weeks going bat shit crazy. It gave me some satisfaction to know that my boss was fired in June. It gave me more satisfaction in August when I took his job.
My job...I love the variety. I love the benefits. I love that I’m making $7,000 more a year over last year. I hate the sterility. I hate the lack of logic in academia. I hate that my boss is confusing even when I corner her for an answer. I hate that I have to contain myself because the real me is too abrasive, too caustic, and too over-the-top for that place. Nonetheless, now is not the time to be job hopping, and even if it were, I wouldn’t. I’m content where I am...Assistant to the Chair.
I’ve gone back to school starting Fall 2008. It’s nothing major, just two classes a semester, but it felt good to do well and to feel like I’m working toward something that I do want-and I do want a Bachelor’s degree. I just hate the bullshit that accompanies it. So, I’m doing my best to dilute the bullshit and stick with it. I invite all of you to help me stay encouraged because this will take me at least four years to finish. We all know I’m not good with patience or dealing with things that take a while...
In June my youngest brother moved in with me. I did what I felt I had to do at the time. It wasn’t easy for me and it still isn’t. I’m still looking for when he can be safely transitioned back to my mother’s since that’s where he now spends the bulk of his time. It was quite trying in the beginning...we’re back to that being confined bit that I don’t care for. I have to take a moment and acknowledge that Kyle has been truly gracious about this. I didn’t give him a choice in the matter given its nature, but he was still a resource and I thank him for that.
All of my family is now back in Indiana except for my brother William and his son. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Perhaps a little too close when they’re just six blocks away.
Kyle went to the Netherlands on 16 December. Sometimes I think living alone would be nice, but I don’t know that right now’s the best time for me. I especially don’t think living alone in that house is the best idea. I’m glad that I went down to visit Cody and to Chicago. I might otherwise be in bad shape. I guess I’m like a pet in that I need attention. I’ve thought about this though and maybe it’s not so much attention as much as it’s just knowing that someone’s there.
I had a good time in Nashville. I’ve not always had good results with my trips down there. My intent was originally to just get away from my house and see the city. Cody was a good host and took me to downtown. I had later found out whilst there that Jonathan was in town. We met up for dinner and had a really good conversation. I finally got the chance to lay my demons to rest and I feel all the better for it. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of all in the name of proving my worth to him. I’ve come to terms with the limitations of our relationship and feel happy simply to have that. I’ve also come to understand that Jonathan’s one of those people you shouldn’t expect to be in constant contact with and I respect that. I left Nashville with better memories than when I had arrived.
I still maintain that the best week of my life was Spring Break 2003. By far, it is the standard to which I compare all other events. It bothers me that I’ve yet to experience something of similar magnitude.
These things always sound better in my head with much better transitions. I think that’s it for now. Feel free to respond. I miss all of you.
===
Postscript:
Jon came over last night and we talked about everything mentioned above. I really needed to talk to someone because I was emotionally constipated. I had a flurry of feelings that I didn't think I should have after such a great visit to Nashville. I figured out that I finally have closure and it was just the remorse of something (officially) ending, even though it did long ago.
As crazy as I make my Mother sound, she's probably a bit worse. It never ceases to amaze me, though, how she can be so prophetic at times. When I was ten, we were somehow on the discussion of sex. Her words, which harrow me to this day, were, "Shane, you will never forget your first."
And while it's absolutely true, I can now truly write the finishing touches on a chapter that I've left open for far too long with hope for the future.
In 2009 I...
* hope to get my moods under control, even if this means seeing someone...
* want to reinforce my dedication to my education.
* want to transition Payton back to Mother.
* want to move closer to downtown.
* want to strengthen relationships so I don't feel so alone or unaccomplished.
Until next time, my loves.