(no subject)
So I stumbled across this lovely list of everything a woman could possibly want this holiday season. It's a valuable and searching look into a woman's delicate psyche, of course, but I have a few edits I'd like to make.
1. Sultra Bombshell Curling Rod A lightsaber. I know, I know, a curling iron is apparently a woman's lightsaber these days. But I don't want a lightsaber that gives me smooth, sultry waves. I want a lightsaber that can cut people's heads right the fuck off. Or uh, wait, no, I'm a girl. My flighty head can't handle such topics. How about a lightsaber that can help me lightly caramelize creme brulee? Because honestly, 90% of women in this country already have a cabinet full of magical hair creams and tools that they desperately hope will give them miracle hair, and the last thing anyone needs is a present that reminds them they're just not doing a good enough job.
2. MyPressi Twist. Sure, she's worked all day or taken care of your children since dawn (yours, never hers, that patrilineal naming system exists for a reason), but why should you take some of the load off her shoulders? Caffeinate that bitch and get back to, I don't know, watching football or building things. My brain can't be expected to remember what you do with your time. It's too busy getting distracted by shiny kitchen gadgets.
3. Vintage Stewardess Bag. Because everyone knows a woman's favorite place to carry her sweaty gym towel and leaky water bottle is in a vintage leather bag. What do you mean, what if she doesn't like the style, or doesn't like carting around three or four bags instead of one suitcase? It's vintage.
4. Rosanna Dishes. She'll be able to impress her friends or family with these charming dishes. The best gift for her is letting her show off, so it's a moot point as to whether they fit her personal taste. After all, women don't eat, silly. What would they use plates for if they're not earning themselves lady points?
5. A day off. Because helping your lady with everyday chores is something that only needs to be done on special occasions. And then after she comes home, all you have to do is unzip your pants and point. She'll pretty much have to.
6. The Sound of Music 45th Anniversary Collection. She's always wanted a sing-along. Always. It's a burning need in her soul. And it's not like she can just sing along to a normal edition. There aren't any words on the screen, silly! And the best part is, ten years or so down the road, she's duty-bound to give it to her daughter. Two gifts in one!
7. Diana Mini. For the serious photographer. Well, not too serious. The kind who wears knitted fingerless gloves and listens to Britney Spears ironically. And it's mini! What woman doesn't go into squeals of delight at seeing something miniaturized? And it takes square photos! Holy shit, that's the photographer's dream!
8. A Tiffany necklace. If you're going to introduce prostitution into your relationship, make sure not to spend over about $100.
9. Lingerie. Because why get her a present if it's not really a present for you? Honestly, that's what most of these boil down to. A curling iron, so she's prettier for you. Plates for her to serve you cupcakes on. A day off at the spa, where she not only gets pretty but your duty to be a responsible husband sharing equal division of labor is absolved until the next major gift-giving holiday. A necklace so she has to blow you and lingerie so she looks sexy while doing it. How about you buy yourself something a little less comfortable to slip into? Oh wait, that would be admitting women like sex too.
10. Personalized Coffee Table Book. I was actually with this one up until the end. Some people really enjoy gifts like this, and I could see my mom really enjoying it if my dad went through the boxes (and boxes and boxes and boxes) of old photos we have and put together a meaningful album. But then that bit at the end-- make copies of a personalized cookbook so your buddies have less work to do. Copies. Of a personalized gift. And then I read up, and saw they're advertising magical software to make this as painless as possible, and I realized this was just like the other presents-- a way to look thoughtful without actually having to know anything about your ladyfriend at all.
1. Sultra Bombshell Curling Rod A lightsaber. I know, I know, a curling iron is apparently a woman's lightsaber these days. But I don't want a lightsaber that gives me smooth, sultry waves. I want a lightsaber that can cut people's heads right the fuck off. Or uh, wait, no, I'm a girl. My flighty head can't handle such topics. How about a lightsaber that can help me lightly caramelize creme brulee? Because honestly, 90% of women in this country already have a cabinet full of magical hair creams and tools that they desperately hope will give them miracle hair, and the last thing anyone needs is a present that reminds them they're just not doing a good enough job.
2. MyPressi Twist. Sure, she's worked all day or taken care of your children since dawn (yours, never hers, that patrilineal naming system exists for a reason), but why should you take some of the load off her shoulders? Caffeinate that bitch and get back to, I don't know, watching football or building things. My brain can't be expected to remember what you do with your time. It's too busy getting distracted by shiny kitchen gadgets.
3. Vintage Stewardess Bag. Because everyone knows a woman's favorite place to carry her sweaty gym towel and leaky water bottle is in a vintage leather bag. What do you mean, what if she doesn't like the style, or doesn't like carting around three or four bags instead of one suitcase? It's vintage.
4. Rosanna Dishes. She'll be able to impress her friends or family with these charming dishes. The best gift for her is letting her show off, so it's a moot point as to whether they fit her personal taste. After all, women don't eat, silly. What would they use plates for if they're not earning themselves lady points?
5. A day off. Because helping your lady with everyday chores is something that only needs to be done on special occasions. And then after she comes home, all you have to do is unzip your pants and point. She'll pretty much have to.
6. The Sound of Music 45th Anniversary Collection. She's always wanted a sing-along. Always. It's a burning need in her soul. And it's not like she can just sing along to a normal edition. There aren't any words on the screen, silly! And the best part is, ten years or so down the road, she's duty-bound to give it to her daughter. Two gifts in one!
7. Diana Mini. For the serious photographer. Well, not too serious. The kind who wears knitted fingerless gloves and listens to Britney Spears ironically. And it's mini! What woman doesn't go into squeals of delight at seeing something miniaturized? And it takes square photos! Holy shit, that's the photographer's dream!
8. A Tiffany necklace. If you're going to introduce prostitution into your relationship, make sure not to spend over about $100.
9. Lingerie. Because why get her a present if it's not really a present for you? Honestly, that's what most of these boil down to. A curling iron, so she's prettier for you. Plates for her to serve you cupcakes on. A day off at the spa, where she not only gets pretty but your duty to be a responsible husband sharing equal division of labor is absolved until the next major gift-giving holiday. A necklace so she has to blow you and lingerie so she looks sexy while doing it. How about you buy yourself something a little less comfortable to slip into? Oh wait, that would be admitting women like sex too.
10. Personalized Coffee Table Book. I was actually with this one up until the end. Some people really enjoy gifts like this, and I could see my mom really enjoying it if my dad went through the boxes (and boxes and boxes and boxes) of old photos we have and put together a meaningful album. But then that bit at the end-- make copies of a personalized cookbook so your buddies have less work to do. Copies. Of a personalized gift. And then I read up, and saw they're advertising magical software to make this as painless as possible, and I realized this was just like the other presents-- a way to look thoughtful without actually having to know anything about your ladyfriend at all.