(no subject)
As always, I wanted to write something earlier today. And when I sit down to do it, it's gone.
This journal is the most inaccurate chronicle of my life ever, actually. There's huge gaps, even in the bad stuff. Did I honestly never write about the arrest? The minor nervous breakdown after? How how cops are *constantly pulling me over* now? I don't know what it is. It's very strange. I never wrote that I turned 25. That I moved an hour away from my job and my family, which is worse than moving far because they still expect constant interaction.
So I guess a general update and maybe I'll try again to use this...
I am very _even_ right now. That's the only possible way to describe it. I think it's the drugs. But when I have a bad day, I tend to forget about it if it doesn't effect something else longterm or I don't write it down. I know I had some shitty days lately but they were apathy. That's what I'm struck with so completely now in a lot of ways. And I get that on my own sometimes. It's just lack of inspiration. And I don't completely have that either. I've recently fallen into a period of wanting to emerse myself in everything again. But the apathy towards school and the job. Not even school so much, my one class is good. But protocal and getting the things done that I need to do in order to get credits and graduate.
But I do feel numbish a lot of the time. I haven't properly cried in so long. And some people would say that's good but I miss it. The good kind of crying. It was only a few months ago when I was out of control a bit in that department. Crying in public at work in the arms of friends is not really a good thing. But a good cry at home over something is cathartic.
Was talking to someone about drinking and drugs. I think I might be doing more drinking because of the numb. But also because as fucked up as this might sound, I think it helped me out a lot. I didn't really start drinking too much until right before I was on my meds so I can't really credit certain things with helping but... whatever, the cliche, drinking as a social lubricant. It's not untrue. And I really don't get drunk out with people. This actually isn't even an important issue because I'm not having any drinking problems right now.
Probation for a year sucks. And not even having been called by my probation officer yet makes it worse becasue basically, I don't know how this works. I mean, cool, I'll be off probation on my birthday. And every day s/he doesn't call brings me one day closer to getting through probation with no repercussions. But it makes me nervous. Or...it makes me mentally nervous but I haven't really felt nervous about things lately.
My major emotions lately are apathy and anxiety. And even the anxiety is mostly gone. I'm starting to get back into the things that gave me real joy, and I'm still able to feel that. I've been seeing a lot of wonderful movies lately. I'm just not sure what I want to do about this drug thing. Even the xanax seems to do nothing now. Yeah I haven't felt awful but I let a lot of people make me feel awful for a long time. And they're gone now. And I missed them and worried about them for a while. But that's over now too. I don't want them dead, I still think they could be good people, but I recognize that they were not letting me help them do that, so that's that. If they asked for my help, I'd be there because I care about them but I'd have a detatchment I didn't have before from the whole group of them. I lost even more trust in people, and that's the saddest part. I liked that I had friends other people thought were shit and I could honestly say, I KNOW they're good people who haven't been given a chance to even realize it themselves. And then the others who everyone knew and loved, and now I feel like I was just completely wrong about them. That they're fake or even just too young and immature, but I still let them hurt me. That's part of why I moved an hour away. I wanted it to be hard for me to try to be friends with them again. I know I give second chances too easily and forget things I've learned because I don't care about myself as much as I care about other people. So now there's this distance so maybe I'll just move on. Which I had actually done fine without the distance, but it helped symbolicly.
Okay I got distracted by an amazing chat with Valerie, as of now my new best friend. Which we can go into further but it has to do with shared drug histories, impeneratrable sexualities, a love of deep philosophical fantasy, a chance to get her into Kabuki, the fact that we haven't talked this much in forever and she's a really thoughtful person and her complete lack of any sort of judgemental feelings towards almost anything. So I'll try to elaborate on that wonderful conversation and see where I left off before that.
Seeing Juno in the am with Meredith and Walmartopia with her, Nick and Justin in the pm.
I would like the approximately three people who read this that I know in real life to know that life is shitty and I appreciate when you're there for my shit and I hope you realize I am here for yours. And for those of you I don't know "irl," sometimes you give me more support than anyone, and sometimes I don't know you're reading until I get a random comment and I'm happily reminded that someone gets at least something I'm saying. And it's especially appreciated in my times of self-alienation because as much as I might not "need" anyone, I think I sometimes at the very least need to know that I am not an alien being from another planet or a genetic freak accident with no chance of ever really being able to understand humanity in any real way.
Imagine. This is how I write sober. I promise one drunk entry and one high entry to just to show the difference because I bet this reads like a high journal entry (with better spelling) of so many people.) Honestly. This is my probably. My thoughts are maybe coherent but there's 6 streams at once and I can't integrate them and I miss so much of each it no longer makes sense. But how do I decide what to save and what to ignore? Hell, that's a metaphor for my life almost anyway, I see 6 paths and I'm terrified to fully commit t any for what I might loose or regret in the end.
This journal is the most inaccurate chronicle of my life ever, actually. There's huge gaps, even in the bad stuff. Did I honestly never write about the arrest? The minor nervous breakdown after? How how cops are *constantly pulling me over* now? I don't know what it is. It's very strange. I never wrote that I turned 25. That I moved an hour away from my job and my family, which is worse than moving far because they still expect constant interaction.
So I guess a general update and maybe I'll try again to use this...
I am very _even_ right now. That's the only possible way to describe it. I think it's the drugs. But when I have a bad day, I tend to forget about it if it doesn't effect something else longterm or I don't write it down. I know I had some shitty days lately but they were apathy. That's what I'm struck with so completely now in a lot of ways. And I get that on my own sometimes. It's just lack of inspiration. And I don't completely have that either. I've recently fallen into a period of wanting to emerse myself in everything again. But the apathy towards school and the job. Not even school so much, my one class is good. But protocal and getting the things done that I need to do in order to get credits and graduate.
But I do feel numbish a lot of the time. I haven't properly cried in so long. And some people would say that's good but I miss it. The good kind of crying. It was only a few months ago when I was out of control a bit in that department. Crying in public at work in the arms of friends is not really a good thing. But a good cry at home over something is cathartic.
Was talking to someone about drinking and drugs. I think I might be doing more drinking because of the numb. But also because as fucked up as this might sound, I think it helped me out a lot. I didn't really start drinking too much until right before I was on my meds so I can't really credit certain things with helping but... whatever, the cliche, drinking as a social lubricant. It's not untrue. And I really don't get drunk out with people. This actually isn't even an important issue because I'm not having any drinking problems right now.
Probation for a year sucks. And not even having been called by my probation officer yet makes it worse becasue basically, I don't know how this works. I mean, cool, I'll be off probation on my birthday. And every day s/he doesn't call brings me one day closer to getting through probation with no repercussions. But it makes me nervous. Or...it makes me mentally nervous but I haven't really felt nervous about things lately.
My major emotions lately are apathy and anxiety. And even the anxiety is mostly gone. I'm starting to get back into the things that gave me real joy, and I'm still able to feel that. I've been seeing a lot of wonderful movies lately. I'm just not sure what I want to do about this drug thing. Even the xanax seems to do nothing now. Yeah I haven't felt awful but I let a lot of people make me feel awful for a long time. And they're gone now. And I missed them and worried about them for a while. But that's over now too. I don't want them dead, I still think they could be good people, but I recognize that they were not letting me help them do that, so that's that. If they asked for my help, I'd be there because I care about them but I'd have a detatchment I didn't have before from the whole group of them. I lost even more trust in people, and that's the saddest part. I liked that I had friends other people thought were shit and I could honestly say, I KNOW they're good people who haven't been given a chance to even realize it themselves. And then the others who everyone knew and loved, and now I feel like I was just completely wrong about them. That they're fake or even just too young and immature, but I still let them hurt me. That's part of why I moved an hour away. I wanted it to be hard for me to try to be friends with them again. I know I give second chances too easily and forget things I've learned because I don't care about myself as much as I care about other people. So now there's this distance so maybe I'll just move on. Which I had actually done fine without the distance, but it helped symbolicly.
Okay I got distracted by an amazing chat with Valerie, as of now my new best friend. Which we can go into further but it has to do with shared drug histories, impeneratrable sexualities, a love of deep philosophical fantasy, a chance to get her into Kabuki, the fact that we haven't talked this much in forever and she's a really thoughtful person and her complete lack of any sort of judgemental feelings towards almost anything. So I'll try to elaborate on that wonderful conversation and see where I left off before that.
Seeing Juno in the am with Meredith and Walmartopia with her, Nick and Justin in the pm.
I would like the approximately three people who read this that I know in real life to know that life is shitty and I appreciate when you're there for my shit and I hope you realize I am here for yours. And for those of you I don't know "irl," sometimes you give me more support than anyone, and sometimes I don't know you're reading until I get a random comment and I'm happily reminded that someone gets at least something I'm saying. And it's especially appreciated in my times of self-alienation because as much as I might not "need" anyone, I think I sometimes at the very least need to know that I am not an alien being from another planet or a genetic freak accident with no chance of ever really being able to understand humanity in any real way.
Imagine. This is how I write sober. I promise one drunk entry and one high entry to just to show the difference because I bet this reads like a high journal entry (with better spelling) of so many people.) Honestly. This is my probably. My thoughts are maybe coherent but there's 6 streams at once and I can't integrate them and I miss so much of each it no longer makes sense. But how do I decide what to save and what to ignore? Hell, that's a metaphor for my life almost anyway, I see 6 paths and I'm terrified to fully commit t any for what I might loose or regret in the end.