Treading Water.
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
I remember when I was very young I wanted to be a footballer. Every boy wants to do something like that. I was okay at football. Nothing special now. Really fast. Great at finishing. But you can tell I don't play much. And I'm quite small. It was a dream.
During school, I wanted to go to Burundi. I wanted to work in Africa. I heard Simon Guillebaud speak and it struck my heart. I saw things in Tearfund magazines and it broke me. I was horrified by the injustice. I wanted to do something about it. I needed to do something. Since then I've been to Africa twice. I have studied the history. I've written a dissertation on Mozambique. I have written an indepth project on Burundi. I have studied genocide on the continent. It's all academic. I prefer the comforts. I prefer the health services. The internet. The food. It was a dream and other things have smothered it.
In the back of my head I have always known I would be a great teacher. I don't know if that's naive and I know I would have to work hard. I always wanted to make a difference in young people's lives. I saw Mr Roberts and how he taught me and how he brought the best out in everybody and I thought "I could do that. I could make a difference." I have thought about it over and over. I have been on the website. Thought about applying for a PGCE, thought about trying to find some work experience, trying to do something about it... but never doing anything about it. Sure, I've probably got the talent, but I haven't got the motivation. Is it fear that holds me back from stepping into anything? It was a dream. It is one that is still there, but I have never pursued it. There are always things to hold us back.
Since 2003 I have always loved music. After I started playing the guitar and when I discovered I could actually sing ok, I've always wanted to write songs and record albums that would change people's lives. I want to sing words that bring freedom and unlock doors. I want to be insanely creative - not making something generic, but pushing the boat out, even if everyone hates the end product. I have the songs. I have the ideas. I have the deep longing for it. But I've never done anything about it. I'm scared of singing a song I've written to somebody else. I'm scared of buying any home recording equipment because 1. I don't know how to use it and 2. that would be admitting that I have a dream and that would involve doing something about it. It's the same with writing a novel. I would love that. Do I ever do anything about it? No. It was a dream.
When I was still a student, something funny happened to me and my heart broke for the people around me. I don't know why. But I had this compassion well up in me where I cried many tears for the broken and lonely and downtrodden. This feeling is still there but I bury it deep down because I don't have the commitment, the dedication or the resolve to pursue the dream. It's the same story. It was a dream. There are infinite possibilities and dreams, but something stops me. Something holds me back. Myself?
Right now, I'd love to run away. Just do something crazy.
I feel at the moment I just go through the motions.
Are they not the worst kind of people? The people who have dreams and let them die. Or rather, they let them fester like an untreated wound. You can identify these people very easily - they drag themselves round with a limp, choked up by their stubbornness. Each day exists to replicate the day that came before.
Life weighs heavily on my shoulders, like something I probably should have seized a long time ago, but instead I have just dragged it around.
At the moment I feel like I need to do something radical and just get away.
Whether I take more than a step in any direction remains to be seen. An observation of my life so far seems to indicate that I am fighting a strong current and that I may well just keep treading water.
I remember when I was very young I wanted to be a footballer. Every boy wants to do something like that. I was okay at football. Nothing special now. Really fast. Great at finishing. But you can tell I don't play much. And I'm quite small. It was a dream.
During school, I wanted to go to Burundi. I wanted to work in Africa. I heard Simon Guillebaud speak and it struck my heart. I saw things in Tearfund magazines and it broke me. I was horrified by the injustice. I wanted to do something about it. I needed to do something. Since then I've been to Africa twice. I have studied the history. I've written a dissertation on Mozambique. I have written an indepth project on Burundi. I have studied genocide on the continent. It's all academic. I prefer the comforts. I prefer the health services. The internet. The food. It was a dream and other things have smothered it.
In the back of my head I have always known I would be a great teacher. I don't know if that's naive and I know I would have to work hard. I always wanted to make a difference in young people's lives. I saw Mr Roberts and how he taught me and how he brought the best out in everybody and I thought "I could do that. I could make a difference." I have thought about it over and over. I have been on the website. Thought about applying for a PGCE, thought about trying to find some work experience, trying to do something about it... but never doing anything about it. Sure, I've probably got the talent, but I haven't got the motivation. Is it fear that holds me back from stepping into anything? It was a dream. It is one that is still there, but I have never pursued it. There are always things to hold us back.
Since 2003 I have always loved music. After I started playing the guitar and when I discovered I could actually sing ok, I've always wanted to write songs and record albums that would change people's lives. I want to sing words that bring freedom and unlock doors. I want to be insanely creative - not making something generic, but pushing the boat out, even if everyone hates the end product. I have the songs. I have the ideas. I have the deep longing for it. But I've never done anything about it. I'm scared of singing a song I've written to somebody else. I'm scared of buying any home recording equipment because 1. I don't know how to use it and 2. that would be admitting that I have a dream and that would involve doing something about it. It's the same with writing a novel. I would love that. Do I ever do anything about it? No. It was a dream.
When I was still a student, something funny happened to me and my heart broke for the people around me. I don't know why. But I had this compassion well up in me where I cried many tears for the broken and lonely and downtrodden. This feeling is still there but I bury it deep down because I don't have the commitment, the dedication or the resolve to pursue the dream. It's the same story. It was a dream. There are infinite possibilities and dreams, but something stops me. Something holds me back. Myself?
Right now, I'd love to run away. Just do something crazy.
I feel at the moment I just go through the motions.
Are they not the worst kind of people? The people who have dreams and let them die. Or rather, they let them fester like an untreated wound. You can identify these people very easily - they drag themselves round with a limp, choked up by their stubbornness. Each day exists to replicate the day that came before.
Life weighs heavily on my shoulders, like something I probably should have seized a long time ago, but instead I have just dragged it around.
At the moment I feel like I need to do something radical and just get away.
Whether I take more than a step in any direction remains to be seen. An observation of my life so far seems to indicate that I am fighting a strong current and that I may well just keep treading water.