Done with love, but it feels good
I am 41 years old, and long term "romantic" relationships have comprised close to half of my life. I have been miserable in every single one of them. The one I am currently stuck in has taken over a year and many thousands of dollars to a lawyer since I said I wanted out, and I am still not out. Those kinds of relationships have been nothing but prisons to me.
I don't think love is bad. I don't think that nobody can find love, but I know that I can't. That's also not to say that I don't think people have loved me. I am sure that some have, but it is impossible for me to feel it. To me, the feeling of being loved is something that I can reach only after I prove to you that I am worthy of it.
So when someone just looks into my heart and says, "oh hey, I love you," that sounds like a lie to me. But when someone says, "Hey, you suck. You're not good enough for reasons A, B, and C," that makes me feel like I just need to prove myself against A, B, and C, and then I'll be loved.
But that will never happen because that second kind of person will never run out of As, Bs, or Cs, but that's the only kind of person I know how to try to connect with. Romantically, anyway. So I'm stopping.
And that's fine. I have 3 children. I do NOT need any more. I have a good job. I pay my bills by myself. I have literally never had an adult human partner who was anything more than a dependent.
I am just no longer pursuing that kind of connection. And it feels fine. That's why I'm writing a journal entry about it.