(no subject)
I am in desperate need of a vacation. I feel so burnt out. I have trouble sleeping at night, which wears me out so much that I almost fall asleep at work. But when it's time to sleep again, I'm wide awake and my mind is churning. I toss and turn, and when I manage to drift off it's a restless sleep filled with disturbing dreams. It didn't help that last night when I couldn't sleep I decided to do a little research into the whole Paul Bernardo/Karla Homolka thing. I was really young at the time and living a very sheltered life, so I never knew a lot of the details. I found a narrative of the tape, and I wish to god I had never read it because I think now I am scarred for life.
Back to my desperation for a vacation. I have been late for work repeatedly, and I'm starting to get worried that I'm gonna get fired. If I get fired, that's it, my life falls apart. I will have to sell what I own, and move back home with my dad. I'd still have to pay rent, but it would be a token amount. It will be impossible to get a job out there. It would be like jumping backwards way back into my success, and heading in a different direction. I am trying to steer things in a different direction as it is, but I'd rather not have to jump backwards first. I feel like Edward Norton at the beginning of fight club. I don't think I will snap to the extent of developing alter personalities and starting an underground army bent on the downfall of society as we know it.....but something's gonna happen. For a long time I was on an emotional roller coaster, and now I'm just not sure I have any at all. I feel numb. Right now, I'm giddy over things like gel pens and paper. I don't really feel sadness anymore, just sort of an imobilizing numbness. I need a break! My insides are screaming out at me. I ache all over. The only way I can manage to function is by means of caffeine...lots of it. Probably explains my insomnia. If I could have a vacation....I could get caffeine out of my system and just sleep when I was tired. Get it into a pattern of sleeping at night and staying awake during the day. I could let my muscles relax for a while. I think the stress I'm under is contributing to the tension. I know I can't afford to go anywhere for a vacation, but a day at a spa would be amazing. I feel so horribly neglected! I can't find the time or money to treat myself to some relaxation, and it's not like anyone else is interested in doing it for me! I need a pair of comfortable shoes. Right now my feet are what's hurting me the most. There. That's a feeling! I do have them! I feel pain! Oh god this is not good.........
Back to my desperation for a vacation. I have been late for work repeatedly, and I'm starting to get worried that I'm gonna get fired. If I get fired, that's it, my life falls apart. I will have to sell what I own, and move back home with my dad. I'd still have to pay rent, but it would be a token amount. It will be impossible to get a job out there. It would be like jumping backwards way back into my success, and heading in a different direction. I am trying to steer things in a different direction as it is, but I'd rather not have to jump backwards first. I feel like Edward Norton at the beginning of fight club. I don't think I will snap to the extent of developing alter personalities and starting an underground army bent on the downfall of society as we know it.....but something's gonna happen. For a long time I was on an emotional roller coaster, and now I'm just not sure I have any at all. I feel numb. Right now, I'm giddy over things like gel pens and paper. I don't really feel sadness anymore, just sort of an imobilizing numbness. I need a break! My insides are screaming out at me. I ache all over. The only way I can manage to function is by means of caffeine...lots of it. Probably explains my insomnia. If I could have a vacation....I could get caffeine out of my system and just sleep when I was tired. Get it into a pattern of sleeping at night and staying awake during the day. I could let my muscles relax for a while. I think the stress I'm under is contributing to the tension. I know I can't afford to go anywhere for a vacation, but a day at a spa would be amazing. I feel so horribly neglected! I can't find the time or money to treat myself to some relaxation, and it's not like anyone else is interested in doing it for me! I need a pair of comfortable shoes. Right now my feet are what's hurting me the most. There. That's a feeling! I do have them! I feel pain! Oh god this is not good.........