Is it a fallen angel's magic or a mischievious monster's prank?
I love that line. It's from NICO Touches the Walls song Broken Youth. It's on the 6th ending on Naruto Shippuuden for those who wonder where I dug that song up from. Oh and if you go looking for the song be warned it's in Japanese and that line was translated. But I really do love that song.
Well vacuming out the glass out of one's car is a odd thing. At least for me it was. At one time I zoned out and started thinking how I was giving the back of the car a much needed cleaning. That fuzzy warm safe feeling started trickling in. Then my brain woke up and threw cold water on that. It told me my car isn't safe, that it was never safe. I slipped into a weird mixture of confusion, sadness, fear, anger, and just being tired. It weighed heavly on me. It messed with my head and seemed change my oppintions on things or made me bitter and oppinionated. I just couldn't stand somethings and it made me hypersensitive to anything anyone said to me. On the way home that night I was so tired and raw from all that, that I started to cry. Brett had The Green Book in and we listened to it on the way home. I kept thinking of a line from one of ICP's songs. ''You broke into my car and stole my radio. It doesn't work. Bet you feel like a fucking idot don't you.''
I cried all the way home I cried in the shower and snipped at Brett when he was trying to help. He decided to leave me alone while I finished my shower. I really started crying then. I tried to keep it quiet so not to worry him. Then when I got out I tried to sleep into a safe nothingness to hide from my emotions. That's usually when I get the zombie thosand mile stare. That nothingness it a fradgile thing and simple things like talking can break it and cause me to feel again. Worried about me I'm sure, but stayed up with me to watch Law and Order SVU. The snuggling helped me chase back the emotions so I could go to bed. I snuggled up to him and went to sleep. I don't know if I tossed and turned and whined in my sleep again, but I did sleep.
I don't know if anyone understands how and why I feel this way. I just feel that my world has been shaken. I've always felt like I was smart about keeping myself and my stuff safe. I have boardered on obsessive at times. For example moving my purse 20 times at a friend's house so I could keep an eye on it. But this proves that I could be safe as possible and still get screwed. That there isn't really a safe place. This is so much an issue in my head that I am seriously thinking about going all out Anita Blake security style minus the werewolves and vamps. You know lots of guns and big sharp pointys. I'm even concidering asking my aunt if we can have a security system installed when we move.
Yep I'm that parinoid right now. I don't know if it will pass but right now I keep wondering if one could juggle carrying a baseball bat and walking a dog. Brett says to just carry a screwdriver. Heck if I'm going to let them get that close I'll just carry my knife and to more damage. I wish I had a battle ready Katana or short sword. Or even a little 22. All of them sure to do at least enough damage to give me run away time.
Brett wants me to see Dr. Beaver so I made an appointment on top of his. I don't think this is depression. This mainly is just a mixture of major things all happening at once. But I will talk with him and see what he thinks. Still I foresee pills in my future. I just hope my diagnosis is Bat Shit Crazy. Tokyo Cowgirl already has a blog about being that and I really don't want to flood the market.
Good news is that Brett's mom's tests came back fine. We pick up Harley today. So we will be having a little hyper houseguest. Well that's all for now. I'm going to just zone and listen to anime music till it's time to go. Brett let me listen to Coast to Coast on his Ipod yesterday. It was great. I wish I could keep doing it. I also wonder if there was a way to put all pre exsisting songs that are on your computer, on an Ipod. That would be worth getting one to me. Laters! Savvy?
-Aislin
Well vacuming out the glass out of one's car is a odd thing. At least for me it was. At one time I zoned out and started thinking how I was giving the back of the car a much needed cleaning. That fuzzy warm safe feeling started trickling in. Then my brain woke up and threw cold water on that. It told me my car isn't safe, that it was never safe. I slipped into a weird mixture of confusion, sadness, fear, anger, and just being tired. It weighed heavly on me. It messed with my head and seemed change my oppintions on things or made me bitter and oppinionated. I just couldn't stand somethings and it made me hypersensitive to anything anyone said to me. On the way home that night I was so tired and raw from all that, that I started to cry. Brett had The Green Book in and we listened to it on the way home. I kept thinking of a line from one of ICP's songs. ''You broke into my car and stole my radio. It doesn't work. Bet you feel like a fucking idot don't you.''
I cried all the way home I cried in the shower and snipped at Brett when he was trying to help. He decided to leave me alone while I finished my shower. I really started crying then. I tried to keep it quiet so not to worry him. Then when I got out I tried to sleep into a safe nothingness to hide from my emotions. That's usually when I get the zombie thosand mile stare. That nothingness it a fradgile thing and simple things like talking can break it and cause me to feel again. Worried about me I'm sure, but stayed up with me to watch Law and Order SVU. The snuggling helped me chase back the emotions so I could go to bed. I snuggled up to him and went to sleep. I don't know if I tossed and turned and whined in my sleep again, but I did sleep.
I don't know if anyone understands how and why I feel this way. I just feel that my world has been shaken. I've always felt like I was smart about keeping myself and my stuff safe. I have boardered on obsessive at times. For example moving my purse 20 times at a friend's house so I could keep an eye on it. But this proves that I could be safe as possible and still get screwed. That there isn't really a safe place. This is so much an issue in my head that I am seriously thinking about going all out Anita Blake security style minus the werewolves and vamps. You know lots of guns and big sharp pointys. I'm even concidering asking my aunt if we can have a security system installed when we move.
Yep I'm that parinoid right now. I don't know if it will pass but right now I keep wondering if one could juggle carrying a baseball bat and walking a dog. Brett says to just carry a screwdriver. Heck if I'm going to let them get that close I'll just carry my knife and to more damage. I wish I had a battle ready Katana or short sword. Or even a little 22. All of them sure to do at least enough damage to give me run away time.
Brett wants me to see Dr. Beaver so I made an appointment on top of his. I don't think this is depression. This mainly is just a mixture of major things all happening at once. But I will talk with him and see what he thinks. Still I foresee pills in my future. I just hope my diagnosis is Bat Shit Crazy. Tokyo Cowgirl already has a blog about being that and I really don't want to flood the market.
Good news is that Brett's mom's tests came back fine. We pick up Harley today. So we will be having a little hyper houseguest. Well that's all for now. I'm going to just zone and listen to anime music till it's time to go. Brett let me listen to Coast to Coast on his Ipod yesterday. It was great. I wish I could keep doing it. I also wonder if there was a way to put all pre exsisting songs that are on your computer, on an Ipod. That would be worth getting one to me. Laters! Savvy?
-Aislin