This is a War Zone
Participating in the world in scarry.
I wanted, should have written this yesterday when I was having my lowest low yet, but I just didn't. I will save those regrets for another day.
Just now the geese are flying overhead. A large flock, they are so loud. They remind me that life goes on. That there are millions of others just like me. Worried about there loved ones, themselves, their communities. Worried about money, food security, home security and everything elise we as humans worry about.
We as humans are fragile creatures, and we're luckly, or unlucky enough to be the most sentient being this planet has ever had. I suppose we're also lucky enough to have the hindsight of history. We're smarter, we live longer, we fight less. (promise). And I guess that's a little persepecive as well. I"m not saying I want to die, just that if this were 20AD I already would have - statistically speaking.
But I guess back to the task at hand. My yesterday was hard. My yesterday was the day where I miss the more hardened selfrelyant, cermudgenly old me. The one who was alone in the world and yeah I was ok with that. It's funny how finding people to love you changes your mindset.
And that makes me scared the most. That's really the curx of my yesterday. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting sick, I"m scared b/c i know I"ll probably be part of that statistic. The "dead" statistic. I've already beat the odds so many times. I'm thankful for the life I've had, but I don't want it to end.
I mean, no one really does right?
But now I'm scared for the people I love, for the people who love me. I don't want them to be without me. Is that selfish? Is that human nature?
I don't want to see my loved ones get sick, die. I need them too much, they are a part of me now. How do I reconcile that? Can I be alone again? Can I be the gypsie I used to be? I think I've forgotten what it's like to be alone. To live in that space of diassociation.
I have been wondering as of late if this is what it was like living during say, the Great War, in Europe. Afraid of leaving your house b/c you might get shot, rounded up, or otherwise killed. Relying on others to stay alive.
I think that's what this is.
A War