I'm sorry my journal is a vent center these days
Yeah so, I had my appointment. He said I do have depression, specifically dysthymia, I think the word was...maybe it wasn't. Who cares, I dunno. I didn't really tell him everything though. I left out chunks of what I'd been thinking and what I'd been doing. I don't need it coming back to haunt me. He was a psychiatrist, so he was more there to diagnose me, not to hear me talk. I'm not sure I liked him... I mean, he seemed like a nice guy but he seemd like the stereotypical shrink, I dunno.
He said it wont go away on its own, like a cold or something. If I don't do something about it, I'll live with it. He told me to see him again, and scheduled an appointment for me a pharmacist, for a medical consultation...I have that this Thursday. We're supposed to chat and he's supposed to prescribe me medicine if he thinks I need it.
This is my first extremely low point since last Thursday. I've maintained it pretty well, but not so well at the moment. I'm really sick of trying, it's exhausting NOT to give into what I'm feeling. I tried to describe for him the battle I go through in my head each time I begin to feel this way.
I think it's comparable to how people feel in Harry Potter when dementors are around, if I may be a dork for a second. I feel just utter sadness, I reflect on everything bad that's ever happened in my life, and can't remember anything good.
I hate this place, this place is a trap. I'm freaking out at the thought of not getting into another school. I refuse to lave if I have nowhere else to go, school's too important to what I want to do. I need to get out, I hate everyone here, I'm just done. I wish I could just include a letter in my applications to transfer, begging the schools to please just let me in, I will do anything. I never even want to come back to this state again. I associate sadness to it.
But wasn't I sad last week when I was in Maryland? Somewhat, but less so, I was around friends and family. I have no friends here so...yeah. I can't escape from my head. It's at these times when I feel especially self- destructive. I feel trapped inside my own body. I'm tired of trying to convince myself I'm worth something, when I really don't believe it.
I've noticed that everytime I see a couple these days, I feel the great urge to throw something at them. Me, the hopeless romantic, now a cynic and despiser of open affection.
I don't think I can get out of this. As he said, it doesn't go away by itself. I'm trying to make it go away, but I can't!
I half admitted the way I've been feeling to my dad and stepmom, omitting alot of things such as my suicide attempts, my abuse of pills, etc, and at least my stepmother scoffed at the my suspicion i was mentally ill. She said "I KNOW mentally ill people, YOU are not mentally ill. You have some emotional problems, and rightly so, given your past, but you're not mentally ill." They also told me I'm stronger than what I give myself credit for, saying that most young children who went through what I went through at my age would not have survived it, or would have cracked.
And, I mean, I know this. I think I was a very strong person. Why can't I do now what I did then? Well...then I was battling other people/forces; my mother, drugs, the streets, criminals, neglect, people out to kill me and/or my family, abuse, etc. It was easier to deal with those, I just had to be cunning, clever, or smart. Now, I'm battling against MYSELF, so it's a trickier thing. It's like, the US is strong, and defeats all these other countries, but if a civil war started? That'd be a little trickier. There's two parts of me, the pro-me side, and the con-me side. If the pro-me side wins, then I will get better and stop thinking these bad things. If the con-me side wins I will either end up in a hospital or commit suicide. Depends on which part is stronger. I'm unsure which one is. Sometimes I feel I have a handle, and then I slip back into the dark.
And that's where I currently am. Literally and figuratively. I suspect I will spend tonight in my room, reading my scene books and pretending I'm someone else.
He said it wont go away on its own, like a cold or something. If I don't do something about it, I'll live with it. He told me to see him again, and scheduled an appointment for me a pharmacist, for a medical consultation...I have that this Thursday. We're supposed to chat and he's supposed to prescribe me medicine if he thinks I need it.
This is my first extremely low point since last Thursday. I've maintained it pretty well, but not so well at the moment. I'm really sick of trying, it's exhausting NOT to give into what I'm feeling. I tried to describe for him the battle I go through in my head each time I begin to feel this way.
I think it's comparable to how people feel in Harry Potter when dementors are around, if I may be a dork for a second. I feel just utter sadness, I reflect on everything bad that's ever happened in my life, and can't remember anything good.
I hate this place, this place is a trap. I'm freaking out at the thought of not getting into another school. I refuse to lave if I have nowhere else to go, school's too important to what I want to do. I need to get out, I hate everyone here, I'm just done. I wish I could just include a letter in my applications to transfer, begging the schools to please just let me in, I will do anything. I never even want to come back to this state again. I associate sadness to it.
But wasn't I sad last week when I was in Maryland? Somewhat, but less so, I was around friends and family. I have no friends here so...yeah. I can't escape from my head. It's at these times when I feel especially self- destructive. I feel trapped inside my own body. I'm tired of trying to convince myself I'm worth something, when I really don't believe it.
I've noticed that everytime I see a couple these days, I feel the great urge to throw something at them. Me, the hopeless romantic, now a cynic and despiser of open affection.
I don't think I can get out of this. As he said, it doesn't go away by itself. I'm trying to make it go away, but I can't!
I half admitted the way I've been feeling to my dad and stepmom, omitting alot of things such as my suicide attempts, my abuse of pills, etc, and at least my stepmother scoffed at the my suspicion i was mentally ill. She said "I KNOW mentally ill people, YOU are not mentally ill. You have some emotional problems, and rightly so, given your past, but you're not mentally ill." They also told me I'm stronger than what I give myself credit for, saying that most young children who went through what I went through at my age would not have survived it, or would have cracked.
And, I mean, I know this. I think I was a very strong person. Why can't I do now what I did then? Well...then I was battling other people/forces; my mother, drugs, the streets, criminals, neglect, people out to kill me and/or my family, abuse, etc. It was easier to deal with those, I just had to be cunning, clever, or smart. Now, I'm battling against MYSELF, so it's a trickier thing. It's like, the US is strong, and defeats all these other countries, but if a civil war started? That'd be a little trickier. There's two parts of me, the pro-me side, and the con-me side. If the pro-me side wins, then I will get better and stop thinking these bad things. If the con-me side wins I will either end up in a hospital or commit suicide. Depends on which part is stronger. I'm unsure which one is. Sometimes I feel I have a handle, and then I slip back into the dark.
And that's where I currently am. Literally and figuratively. I suspect I will spend tonight in my room, reading my scene books and pretending I'm someone else.