losing a friend.
i don't update in this bullshit anymore. but i need to release some emotions. and i am not trusting any human beings with them. so here it goes.
i know what i did was wrong. i don't know how you were ok with me for so long after it. i can only imagine how you feel. i know the reason all this horrible things are being said about me and to my face because i betrayed you. you are hurt. and you want me to feel as hurt as i hurt you. maybe i thought i was doing right when i did what i did, but maybe there was some resent underneath my skin i couldn't even come to terms with. everything i said to you from the beginning was how i felt. i feel like i hate myself for hurting you, more than you could ever hate me. and now that it's over and there is no use to try and earn my respect back. i know all you want is for me to hurt as bad as i hurt you. but seeing how bad i hurt you to begin with i feel is what really did me in. not all the horrible comments. i know deep down i would never want you to die. you were my little sister and i loved you more than anything or anyone. drifting apart is very hard after you've loved someone so much. so if being hateful and hurting me, pushing me away, making me want to hate you.. is how you choose to deal with this. then in the weirdest, most non-self righteous "i'm trying to be the bigger person" way... i can respect that. i know you. i know under all that resent and hate, it would be so much easier if we could just love eachother, be best friends, listen to all our songs, and tell everyone the funniest jokes they've ever heard... but there is no easy way to make yourself hate someone you used to love so much. it's weird.. all the "come backs" and "disses" and hurtful things we've said to eachother, and you've said to and about me... we've said about other people before. we came up with them together. we laughed at them together. we'd sit around and talk about our insecurities and what hurts us... and sometimes we could just knew how eachother felt deep down without saying anything. but never did i think it would come to the day where i would use everything you hate about yourself against you. i almost feel sick to my stomach when i do it, because i just think of exactly how you look when you cry. because when everyone let us down, we were always there for eachother. now one of the only people i feel like i could cry in front of and not self conscious around, is the one person i feel like i can't cry in front of. the one person i have to be tough and suck it up around. the one person i feel like i have something to prove, but never will be able to get my point across to. it's not about winning anymore. for what i did, i'll pay the price. i said i never meant to hurt you in the beginning, and i don't want to hurt you now. everytime i say something hurtful about you... in the back of my mind, i take it back. even now, despite everything, i'd still go down if i knew it'd make everything better for you. the things you're saying to and about me are hurting me so bad. and i know you know they are. i already feel awful about myself. if i could show you one thing... it would be what's inside my heart. what's inside my brain. what really really is going on. i always thought i could be real with you, and i always was. but after i did what i did.. i know how hard it is to think i was only trying to help. it's actually unbelievable if you ask me. but at this point, i said i'd take a bullet for you. so even if it's not necessarily a bullet. but if what you're doing to me and saying about me is making it easier to cope with this whole situation. whether is pushing me away to make everything easier.. or taking it out on me... or getting me back.... i'm ok with that. not initially. i've never been so hurt and depressed in my life. but i guess it's what i deserve. i just want you to know, i'm hurt, and it hurts, and i'm scared. but underneath all of this, everything, every little horrible thing that has been said and done. somehow i can find it in my heart... and i know that i love you. i'll miss you friend. and i hope even if you don't have a chance to tell me to my face, or have a surfaced reconciliation... that you will forgive me. and you don't even have to tell anyone you forgive me. but i just want you to accept my love and compassion for you. what we had, i'll miss. but after all that's been said and done, it can never be the same again. not for you, not for me. but maybe one day you can see me and not feel anything bad about me in your heart. because all the hate i have for you is in my mind. but even after all this bullshit, it could never be in my heart. i'm sorry. i aint mad at cha.
anna
i know what i did was wrong. i don't know how you were ok with me for so long after it. i can only imagine how you feel. i know the reason all this horrible things are being said about me and to my face because i betrayed you. you are hurt. and you want me to feel as hurt as i hurt you. maybe i thought i was doing right when i did what i did, but maybe there was some resent underneath my skin i couldn't even come to terms with. everything i said to you from the beginning was how i felt. i feel like i hate myself for hurting you, more than you could ever hate me. and now that it's over and there is no use to try and earn my respect back. i know all you want is for me to hurt as bad as i hurt you. but seeing how bad i hurt you to begin with i feel is what really did me in. not all the horrible comments. i know deep down i would never want you to die. you were my little sister and i loved you more than anything or anyone. drifting apart is very hard after you've loved someone so much. so if being hateful and hurting me, pushing me away, making me want to hate you.. is how you choose to deal with this. then in the weirdest, most non-self righteous "i'm trying to be the bigger person" way... i can respect that. i know you. i know under all that resent and hate, it would be so much easier if we could just love eachother, be best friends, listen to all our songs, and tell everyone the funniest jokes they've ever heard... but there is no easy way to make yourself hate someone you used to love so much. it's weird.. all the "come backs" and "disses" and hurtful things we've said to eachother, and you've said to and about me... we've said about other people before. we came up with them together. we laughed at them together. we'd sit around and talk about our insecurities and what hurts us... and sometimes we could just knew how eachother felt deep down without saying anything. but never did i think it would come to the day where i would use everything you hate about yourself against you. i almost feel sick to my stomach when i do it, because i just think of exactly how you look when you cry. because when everyone let us down, we were always there for eachother. now one of the only people i feel like i could cry in front of and not self conscious around, is the one person i feel like i can't cry in front of. the one person i have to be tough and suck it up around. the one person i feel like i have something to prove, but never will be able to get my point across to. it's not about winning anymore. for what i did, i'll pay the price. i said i never meant to hurt you in the beginning, and i don't want to hurt you now. everytime i say something hurtful about you... in the back of my mind, i take it back. even now, despite everything, i'd still go down if i knew it'd make everything better for you. the things you're saying to and about me are hurting me so bad. and i know you know they are. i already feel awful about myself. if i could show you one thing... it would be what's inside my heart. what's inside my brain. what really really is going on. i always thought i could be real with you, and i always was. but after i did what i did.. i know how hard it is to think i was only trying to help. it's actually unbelievable if you ask me. but at this point, i said i'd take a bullet for you. so even if it's not necessarily a bullet. but if what you're doing to me and saying about me is making it easier to cope with this whole situation. whether is pushing me away to make everything easier.. or taking it out on me... or getting me back.... i'm ok with that. not initially. i've never been so hurt and depressed in my life. but i guess it's what i deserve. i just want you to know, i'm hurt, and it hurts, and i'm scared. but underneath all of this, everything, every little horrible thing that has been said and done. somehow i can find it in my heart... and i know that i love you. i'll miss you friend. and i hope even if you don't have a chance to tell me to my face, or have a surfaced reconciliation... that you will forgive me. and you don't even have to tell anyone you forgive me. but i just want you to accept my love and compassion for you. what we had, i'll miss. but after all that's been said and done, it can never be the same again. not for you, not for me. but maybe one day you can see me and not feel anything bad about me in your heart. because all the hate i have for you is in my mind. but even after all this bullshit, it could never be in my heart. i'm sorry. i aint mad at cha.
Click to viewanna