hmmm
I really dont like myself much today. I'm so sick of not belonging. I feel worthless and ugly, and I hate feeling this way, because Im sick of people saying, oh stop, youre not ugly, you have friends, because I know most of it is pity. I dont want to hear anyone say shit like that, and I suppose that this is the reason i am writing in here for a change, I can speak my mind freely, and I dont have to put up with bullshit about how I am pretty or I am normal. I just really hope I make it to Germany for my junior year, I mean, just start over my life in a new country where nobody knows me and I can decide who I want to be completely without any judgements based on my past--wow. The part about all of this that sucks the most I guess is just thinking about my life in general. I mean, in the good side of things, I have a great best friend, I mean, 10 years of friendship, you cant beat that, shes like a sister that goes home at the end of the day, haha. Also I have an awesome boyfriend who I dont think could be any sweeter, so in those regards I am ridiculously lucky, I dont take those two for granted ever. Then i have another close friend and a couple semi close friends that i am friends with, but would not do anything out of school with, you know the type im sure. It just sucks because sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be the popular type. I just can't be, its not me. Im not the most outgoing person, I mean, sure, when I get around my friends Im fine and I can act like the bubbliest person ever, someone I think would seem like they have tons of friends, but put me with people i dont know well and i freeze, I dont talk and i dont know how to act, I just come off extremely odd. I dont have the skills of a popular kid, I dont have charisma, I dont have charm or knockout looks or anything,Im just kinda there. Im the type that is almost coffeeshop book store cool, but im not even that. I have too much influence from other aspects to be that. I really have nothing to identify myself with, and I think thats my problem right there. Most people have an identity, something to cling on to, they know their social expectations, and they can follow them, its basically like having an owners manual to your thoughts. But me, Im more of a floater i suppose. Im a vegetarian tree hugger, but Im not really animal rights because i dont care that much, so there goes that one. I read all the time, but im not a bookworm. I play my trumpet a ridiculous amount, but still, band geek doesnt sum me up. then theres the whole coffee shop thing, im just not indie/cool enough to put that off. lol. So yeah, my identity is non existant. The thing is, I cant just find an identity, no one can just be like, oh, Im going to be this type of person and stick with it, its just not truly possible. I can say, hey, Im going to be a coffeeshop person,and i can dress like it and read all the time and get into poetry and wear my glasses and everything, but its not who i am inside, so its no better than where i am now. I think its just difficult beacuse there are so many simple minded peopel out there, popular kids who have their identity, so they dont needto get into deep thoughts liek i do because theyre always busy and they dont have time for it, and they have their identity. People liek me though, we dont have a definite identity, so we constantly try to find one, adn then come back to the harsh realization that its just not us. See, when I talk like this I feel artistic, and I feel like maybe that could be my identity, but I know that sometimes I am not artistic, and sometimes I am. Theres times that I am ridiculously blonde and ditzy, but not all the time, its so confusing. Im conforming too, Im going tanning on saturday. I think Im waking up early tomorrow to get ready and make sure I look good. Why do I do this? My boyfriend always tells me I look pretty, and I know deep down that he does think that, but I dont know, I just worry so much. Hes so great though, hes already cheered me up tonight .I apologized to him for complaining so much lately and seeming so sad, and I said he was really sweet for being so supportive and always cheering me up because i know it can get old, and he told me that I have no need to apologize because hes there for me. he said that he feels good that hes able to make me feel better, wow, what a sweetie. I love him so much. So i guess I'll end it around there. I dont have an identity, so I just need to focus on positive things before I slip into sad states. I mean, not many friends, but instead of lots of not so close friends I have a couple of extremely close friends, so thats nice. And then again, my boyfriend is ridiculously sweet to me, I cant believe I found someone so perfect that wants me back, its crazy. I STILL have a hard time believing that he feels the same way about me, I mean, I know he does, but like, its so unreal to me that he does because its so perfect. Thats all I'll say for tonight I suppose. wow, lots of rambling of the mouth, hmm, maybe thats just what i need, when i type i sit here, and at first i dont know what im thinking, but the thoughts just pour out of me and i realize things, i learn things about myself. I love it. Before i typed this I never thought about the identity thing as my problem hmmm. goodnight