All the boys want to hold my hand, but none of them will
He likes me. But we can't be anything other than friends. It hurts when you're attracted to someone and can't express it. I wish I could feel nothing but friendship towards him, but I think in some way this is a learning experience...of learning to control my emotions. ::sigh:: It's sucks having to grow up, then in some ways it sucks being younger. I want you, but I can't have you because I don't understand. You want me but you can't have me because I'm too young. It's all so nonsensical.
School's ending. Maggie and me are going shopping tomorrow. I'll stop by and see him, because just looking at him makes my heart beat faster. Damnit, I want to feel this way but I don't. I'm a walking contradiction. I'd want you to be mine if you didn't have to leave me, if we didn't work together, if I wasn't at an age that complicates things. Why do I have to like older guys? :'(
Orchestra blows hardcore. Today= shit. I was so hyped about work, I got to work with him for THREE HOURS!! Working with him = heaven. But no, no that wasn't going to happen. I totally forgot about god damn convocation and I told my mom to excuse me. Apparently working (even with him) isn't an emergency and needed to be given with 48 hours notice. So my absence would have been unexcused if I didn't go. Half the class didn't end up going, but I had to call in to work and talk to him and tell him I was going to be late because of my ass of a teacher. I was so devestated and apparently he was bummed too which I thought was really sweet ::sigh:: So I played at the stupid fucking convocation and left to make it into work at effing 7:30 and he left like an hour later. ::tear:: It was good while it lasted, but I was in a shitty mood cuz of that shit.
Then once I got home!! My mom needed to talk to me to tell me I wasn't responsible because I didn't call in to cancel things in enough early advance. Argh, so much stuff on my plate. I'm surprised I remember as much as I do.
I don't want to get wrapped up, but he's always on my mind. I feel like shit because I can't take away the feelings I want or the things I desire from him. I want them all to go away because then I wouldn't have to ask anything of him. But I like the fact that he likes me because I like him too. If we could just be together without all the complications that came with it then I wouldn't have this problem and have to be ranting about it. I have no easy solution. Lose all my feelings or try to lower my standards/expectations so that I can walk away with something from this in a physical but barely emotional sense. It would end up like it did with Josh. I don't think I want that. If this ends up like most things in my life, it'll fade eventually and I'll never have to worry about this again.
So yeah, when can I turn 18? Boys better be knocking down my door everyone effing says they will. I'm so lonely :-(
School's ending. Maggie and me are going shopping tomorrow. I'll stop by and see him, because just looking at him makes my heart beat faster. Damnit, I want to feel this way but I don't. I'm a walking contradiction. I'd want you to be mine if you didn't have to leave me, if we didn't work together, if I wasn't at an age that complicates things. Why do I have to like older guys? :'(
Orchestra blows hardcore. Today= shit. I was so hyped about work, I got to work with him for THREE HOURS!! Working with him = heaven. But no, no that wasn't going to happen. I totally forgot about god damn convocation and I told my mom to excuse me. Apparently working (even with him) isn't an emergency and needed to be given with 48 hours notice. So my absence would have been unexcused if I didn't go. Half the class didn't end up going, but I had to call in to work and talk to him and tell him I was going to be late because of my ass of a teacher. I was so devestated and apparently he was bummed too which I thought was really sweet ::sigh:: So I played at the stupid fucking convocation and left to make it into work at effing 7:30 and he left like an hour later. ::tear:: It was good while it lasted, but I was in a shitty mood cuz of that shit.
Then once I got home!! My mom needed to talk to me to tell me I wasn't responsible because I didn't call in to cancel things in enough early advance. Argh, so much stuff on my plate. I'm surprised I remember as much as I do.
I don't want to get wrapped up, but he's always on my mind. I feel like shit because I can't take away the feelings I want or the things I desire from him. I want them all to go away because then I wouldn't have to ask anything of him. But I like the fact that he likes me because I like him too. If we could just be together without all the complications that came with it then I wouldn't have this problem and have to be ranting about it. I have no easy solution. Lose all my feelings or try to lower my standards/expectations so that I can walk away with something from this in a physical but barely emotional sense. It would end up like it did with Josh. I don't think I want that. If this ends up like most things in my life, it'll fade eventually and I'll never have to worry about this again.
So yeah, when can I turn 18? Boys better be knocking down my door everyone effing says they will. I'm so lonely :-(