Well, I thought it was already as heavy as can be.
Out of nowhere the sound stopped working on my computer. Luckily I have my record player to save the day. I cant be in my apartment without some kind of noise. Its too lonely and any noise I hear from outside frightens me. So solution, constant music. I even sometimes just turn on the TV as background noise, since its rare for me to watch it.
I'm so anxious for my birthday to come. Not for presents, cake, or to be recognized, but mainly cause I'm really curious as to what Matt's planning for me and what he got me. I could care less about having gifts I just want to know what'd he get me more then getting it. Does that make any sense? So here I am. Sitting here alone. I like being alone. I like things simple. I cant stand to rush around like I do every day. I just want to take it simple. Come home cozy up in bed. Rest. I need to rest. My body feels so worn down for a 19 year old. I feel like I'm 40 when im not even half that yet. I need energy like I used to have. I would stay up for days and not even miss a beat. Now such a thing would have to be induced by caffeine or some other influence. So sad.
I've realized that not alot of things affect me. Not like they should, and I like that. I like being able to take something bad and place it out of mind and go on with my life. I'm not sure where I would be if I let all my worry and sorrow in. I can do this with big things and it's great, but not at all with small things. I'm not sure which is worse worrying over. Last night for instance, it really gets to me that when I tell Matt something is wrong he has no way of comforting me other then just sitting there. It makes me think that if he cared he would be asking what was wrong, why it was, and how to make it better. Instead he just sits there and does nothing. It really drives me crazy. Communication is a big thing. So now instead of just being upset or mildly bothered I get angry, and angrier that hes not trying at all to make anything better. This is a problem to me. Another problem to me is being cold. I HATE IT. The fall is nice, one of my favorite times of the year but anything dealing with the cold and the winter I cant stand. Yeah, snow looks nice when I'm bundled up in layers or sitting inside warm. BUT that is not possible inside my apartment. It is always freezing even now in only the beginning of fall. Actually I don't know, it could be the end of fall already by the way the days are slipping away so fast. So this creates a problem I shouldnt have to always be bundled up inside my own home uncomfortably cold. Last year Matt's dad bought me an electric heater because of how bad it had gotten. I'm about to plug that in but Carol will bitch at how much it makes the electric bill go up. So turn on the heat and I wont have to use it.