[GBtR] Chapter 7
Title: Getting Back to Real
Chapter Title: (8/?) Binding
Pairings: YooMin, HoSuJae
Rating: PG-13 for now
Genre: AU, sci-fi, drama
Summary: After the events in Dreaming Back to This, the five have fled Korea and started to rebuild a new life for themselves far away. The past still haunts them, however, perhaps even more than they first realized.
Notes: Okay, guys, I know some of you are probably getting quite impatient with the lack of action in the story thus far. This chap doesn't change that, sorry. It's more set-up. But it's very (VERY!) important set-up, and the last chap for it. Look for things to start happening - in a very big way - in the next part. ^_^
Previous: Dreaming Back to This, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Interlude
Chapter 7: Binding
The first step binds one to the second. ~French proverb
When Changmin passes him with head down and eyes averted yet again, Yunho knows he can't let the situation go on any longer. They've been walking on egg shells around each other for the last three days, and he's afraid any longer will cause irreparable damage in their relationship. He just wants the younger boy - Man, he corrects himself. He's been through too much to still be called a boy. - back in his life, no more avoidance and silence between them. He pushes up from the couch and follows Changmin to his room.
Yunho enters without knocking, another bad habit he reminds himself to work on. Changmin glances up when he enters but quickly returns his eyes to the textbook open in front of him, though he seems far less interested in the material now. "Min?" Yunho ventures, Changmin's obvious discomfort increasing his own hesitance. "Can we talk for a minute?"
After a long moment, during which Yunho is absolutely certain he'll say no, Changmin finally shrugs then closes his book and looks up at Yunho through his eyelashes. "Are you going to yell at me again?" Just the week before, that question would have been teasing and defiant. Now it just sounds kind of timid and uncertain. Yunho's face falls as he slides into the nearest chair. He wonders why Jaejoong and Junsu haven't beaten him senseless for being the one to put that tone in Changmin's voice.
Yunho's pained silence must be taken as a confirmation in Changmin's mind; his thin shoulders hunch over as he braces for the confrontation. Yunho hurries to correct the assumption. "No. God, no, Min. There shouldn't have even been any yelling the other day, and I'm certainly not going to repeat that mistake," he states.
As Yunho watches, Changmin shakes off a bit of the tension, and some of his former strength and fire returns to his eyes. Yunho attempts to prepare himself for whatever comes next; no matter what it is, he knows he deserves it. "Which part, exactly, was the mistake, hyung?" Changmin bites out. "The yelling at me or the calling me stupid, useless, and incapable of rational thought?"
Yunho winces. He knows his words had been harsh, but he hadn't quite realized how badly Changmin had taken them. "Both," he admits. "All of it. I was upset and, well, terrified to be quite honest, but I had no right to talk to you like that. No reasoning in this world could excuse the way I acted."
Changmin looks reluctantly satisfied with the apology, most of the fight draining from his expression only to be replaced by confusion a couple heartbeats later. "But… why? I mean, I understand being upset and scared, but it seemed like more than that, too. You weren't just upset because of the Centre, were you?"
"I was…" Yunho replies slowly. He contemplates lying to Changmin - if only by omission - for a brief moment, brushing over the situation to conceal what he hadn't even told Junsu and Jaejoong yet. But Changmin would know, as he always seems to, and Yunho really doesn't want to lose Changmin's trust again so soon after gaining it back. "But maybe not totally in the way you think.
Changmin quirks an eyebrow up, and Yunho takes that as a cue to continue. "I've already let them get to you once, Min, and it scares me to think I may not be able to keep you safe this time either." When Changmin opens his mouth to protest, Yunho holds up a hand to silence him. "But it's not just you. I know how strong you are, and I have to let you start choosing and fighting your own battles. As much as it pains me to admit it. Jaejoong, on the other hand…" He trails off, trying to sort his thoughts.
Changmin freezes as the conversation takes a turn he hadn't been expecting. "Wh- what do you mean? What about Jaejoong? He's okay, right?"
"Calm down, Min. As far as I know, Jae's just fine as of right now," Yunho reassures him. "But - and he'll kill me if he finds out I told you this - he hasn't really been dealing with what happened when you two were taken. He just pretends it doesn't exist during the day, and then he has awful nightmares at night. I know he mostly does it because he wants to focus on taking care of you, but he's doing it at the expense of himself."
Changmin processes Yunho's words and attempts to follow the thought. "And if we stay here like I want to," he muses, most just thinking out loud, "if we have to fight them or he gets taken again… you think he won't be able to handle it."
Yunho shakes his head. "I don't think, Min. I know," he asserts. "Jae had a pretty sheltered life before he got dragged into all of this. And, really, there's nothing that can prepare a person for the kind of torture the Centre specializes in. If he had to go through something like that again, he'd never be our Jaejoong again. It would break him."
~*~~*~
Almost as soon as Yoochun appears in their newly reconstructed home, Changmin tackles him onto the couch and snuggles against his chest. Yoochun briefly wonders if he should question the abrupt action, but he instead chooses to wrap his arms securely around Changmin's back and savor the moment. Until he feels the tremors running under Min's skin. It's not fear, not quite, but more just pent-up emotion Changmin obviously hasn't been able to release while awake. "Min? What's going on?"
Changmin takes a few deep, calming breaths and attempts to burrow in even closer. Yoochun strokes his back and starts to give up on getting an answer from him any time soon. Finally, though, Changmin shifts just enough to look up at him while resting his chin on Yoochun's chest. "Am I being selfish, Chun?" he asks, plaintive and lost. "I never thought… But by staying here, by wanting to fight for this, am I just putting myself above the four of you?"
Yoochun's brow furrows as he considers Changmin's questions. "Selfish? I wouldn't put it that way, no," he replies. "If anything, I'd more say that this is your way of protecting us. But what brought all this on, Min? Did one of the others say something like that to you?"
Changmin shakes his head, and the protective anger starting to churn in Yoochun's stomach settles. "No," Changmin answers, "at least not like that. Yunho and I talked earlier. He apologized, explained why he acted the way he did. It's just… He mentioned that Jae-hyung isn't really dealing well - or at all, really - with our time at the Centre. And it just made me realize, you know? By staying here, I'm just putting you all in danger. Again." He pauses to turn his head away, but his soft sniffles give away the fact that he's crying. "I don't think I could live with myself if any of you got hurt just because I wanted to be stubborn."
Yoochun cups Changmin's face in his hands and raises it to wipe away the tears with his thumbs. Guiding Changmin up a little bit higher, he presses soft kisses to Changmin's forehead and cheeks and lips. When the tears taper off, Yoochun locks eyes with Changmin and assures him, "You're not making us stay, Min. We all know the dangers involved, and we choose to be right here with you. You can't hold yourself responsible for however Jae is or is not coping with what happened to him. That's something he has to figure out for himself, just like you did and are and will continue to do. Got it?"
Changmin half-nods then pauses. "I do, really, but at the same time… What should I do, Chun?" he asks, voice so scared and uncertain. "You always seem to know. Even before we met, before you had the whole story, you warned me to stay away from the Centre. So just tell me what to do now, and I'll do it. Whatever you tell me, I'll do it, because I just don't know anymore."
Yoochun aches with the want to soothe all of Changmin's fears and doubts and insecurities. He strokes his fingers over the sharp features on Changmin's face and tucks locks of soft hair behind Min's ears. "I can't do that, Min. I can't take that choice away from you. You just have to remember that, no matter what you decide, the four of us will be right there with you. Because that's how a family works."
~*~~*~
For the first time in what seems like quite a long while, they're back to the old schedule of just Jaejoong and Changmin at home for the day. And with all of the new information he's recently gotten, Changmin can't help but study his oldest hyung so much more carefully. His empathy, which he'd finally gotten full control of again not so long ago, adds to his observations. The conclusions he can start to draw from that alone startle him.
Of course he'd never actively entertained the idea that Yunho would lie to him about this. Lie to keep it concealed, he probably not only would but has. Changmin's still not sure how he feels about that. But once he'd actually said something about it, Changmin knows Yunho wouldn't lie about or exaggerate it.
But he hadn't wanted to believe. He hadn't wanted to face the fact; he'd been so deeply withdrawn and entrenched within himself that he hadn't even noticed Jaejoong's problems. It had never even occurred to him that Jaejoong had been in the Centre right along with Changmin and thus had issues of his own to work through.
Instead, Changmin had panicked and clung and soaked up every bit of Jaejoong's attention turned his way, only now realizing that that attention was Jaejoong's way of distracting himself. Yoochun can say whatever he wants, because there's only one word Changmin can use to describe that: selfish.
"Min?" Jae's questioning voice snaps him from his musings. Changmin raises his head from where he'd been staring blankly at his World Lit textbook to focus on Jaejoong. "You've seemed a bit spacey today," Jaejoong continues once he knows Changmin is consciously with him. "Is everything okay?"
No, Changmin thinks, not everything is okay. In fact, the list of not-okay things seems to be getting longer by the day. He's sure that's not really what Jae's asking, though, and he doesn't really want to throw that answer at him. Unfortunately, despite the rapid improvement Changmin's powers have been making lately, his control still slips sometimes. Times like this, when his private thoughts suddenly become telepathic communication instead. He cringes as Jaejoong starts to sort out the words then knits his eyebrows together.
"I wasn't supposed to hear that, was I?" Jaejoong only half asks, already knowing the answer. Changmin shakes his head in reply anyway as Jaejoong takes the seat next to him on the couch. "Okay, well," Jaejoong presses on, "whether I was supposed to or not, I did. So why don't you tell me what's going on?"
He only phrases it as a question to give the illusion of choice; Changmin knows he won't be able to escape this conversation now without providing some answers first. He attempts to figure out exactly how much he wants to reveal. "I've been thinking," Changmin starts slowly, "a lot lately. About the Centre, about my wanting to stay here and face them."
He doesn't miss Jaejoong's small wince at the organization's name but chooses to gloss over that particular issue for now. "I've realized that my decision means all of you staying and being put in danger as well. Chun's tried to tell me that all of you are freely choosing to stay, but I'm not stupid, hyung. I know none of you would actually decide to leave when I'm so set on staying."
Changmin pauses, contemplating the path his thoughts are taking. He almost forgets Jaejoong is there as he follows where they're leading him. Voicing them softly, he's only half-aware now of Jaejoong listening to him. "Even if I outright told you guys to leave, I know you never would…"
The words combined with the distant look in Changmin's eyes unsettle Jaejoong. He's missed something, he knows he has, but he can't quite get the pieces to fit together to figure out what that something might be. He doesn't like it, though. Whatever is going on in Min's head, Jaejoong is absolutely certain that it means nothing good for their little family.
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Chapter Title: (8/?) Binding
Pairings: YooMin, HoSuJae
Rating: PG-13 for now
Genre: AU, sci-fi, drama
Summary: After the events in Dreaming Back to This, the five have fled Korea and started to rebuild a new life for themselves far away. The past still haunts them, however, perhaps even more than they first realized.
Notes: Okay, guys, I know some of you are probably getting quite impatient with the lack of action in the story thus far. This chap doesn't change that, sorry. It's more set-up. But it's very (VERY!) important set-up, and the last chap for it. Look for things to start happening - in a very big way - in the next part. ^_^
Previous: Dreaming Back to This, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Interlude
Chapter 7: Binding
The first step binds one to the second. ~French proverb
When Changmin passes him with head down and eyes averted yet again, Yunho knows he can't let the situation go on any longer. They've been walking on egg shells around each other for the last three days, and he's afraid any longer will cause irreparable damage in their relationship. He just wants the younger boy - Man, he corrects himself. He's been through too much to still be called a boy. - back in his life, no more avoidance and silence between them. He pushes up from the couch and follows Changmin to his room.
Yunho enters without knocking, another bad habit he reminds himself to work on. Changmin glances up when he enters but quickly returns his eyes to the textbook open in front of him, though he seems far less interested in the material now. "Min?" Yunho ventures, Changmin's obvious discomfort increasing his own hesitance. "Can we talk for a minute?"
After a long moment, during which Yunho is absolutely certain he'll say no, Changmin finally shrugs then closes his book and looks up at Yunho through his eyelashes. "Are you going to yell at me again?" Just the week before, that question would have been teasing and defiant. Now it just sounds kind of timid and uncertain. Yunho's face falls as he slides into the nearest chair. He wonders why Jaejoong and Junsu haven't beaten him senseless for being the one to put that tone in Changmin's voice.
Yunho's pained silence must be taken as a confirmation in Changmin's mind; his thin shoulders hunch over as he braces for the confrontation. Yunho hurries to correct the assumption. "No. God, no, Min. There shouldn't have even been any yelling the other day, and I'm certainly not going to repeat that mistake," he states.
As Yunho watches, Changmin shakes off a bit of the tension, and some of his former strength and fire returns to his eyes. Yunho attempts to prepare himself for whatever comes next; no matter what it is, he knows he deserves it. "Which part, exactly, was the mistake, hyung?" Changmin bites out. "The yelling at me or the calling me stupid, useless, and incapable of rational thought?"
Yunho winces. He knows his words had been harsh, but he hadn't quite realized how badly Changmin had taken them. "Both," he admits. "All of it. I was upset and, well, terrified to be quite honest, but I had no right to talk to you like that. No reasoning in this world could excuse the way I acted."
Changmin looks reluctantly satisfied with the apology, most of the fight draining from his expression only to be replaced by confusion a couple heartbeats later. "But… why? I mean, I understand being upset and scared, but it seemed like more than that, too. You weren't just upset because of the Centre, were you?"
"I was…" Yunho replies slowly. He contemplates lying to Changmin - if only by omission - for a brief moment, brushing over the situation to conceal what he hadn't even told Junsu and Jaejoong yet. But Changmin would know, as he always seems to, and Yunho really doesn't want to lose Changmin's trust again so soon after gaining it back. "But maybe not totally in the way you think.
Changmin quirks an eyebrow up, and Yunho takes that as a cue to continue. "I've already let them get to you once, Min, and it scares me to think I may not be able to keep you safe this time either." When Changmin opens his mouth to protest, Yunho holds up a hand to silence him. "But it's not just you. I know how strong you are, and I have to let you start choosing and fighting your own battles. As much as it pains me to admit it. Jaejoong, on the other hand…" He trails off, trying to sort his thoughts.
Changmin freezes as the conversation takes a turn he hadn't been expecting. "Wh- what do you mean? What about Jaejoong? He's okay, right?"
"Calm down, Min. As far as I know, Jae's just fine as of right now," Yunho reassures him. "But - and he'll kill me if he finds out I told you this - he hasn't really been dealing with what happened when you two were taken. He just pretends it doesn't exist during the day, and then he has awful nightmares at night. I know he mostly does it because he wants to focus on taking care of you, but he's doing it at the expense of himself."
Changmin processes Yunho's words and attempts to follow the thought. "And if we stay here like I want to," he muses, most just thinking out loud, "if we have to fight them or he gets taken again… you think he won't be able to handle it."
Yunho shakes his head. "I don't think, Min. I know," he asserts. "Jae had a pretty sheltered life before he got dragged into all of this. And, really, there's nothing that can prepare a person for the kind of torture the Centre specializes in. If he had to go through something like that again, he'd never be our Jaejoong again. It would break him."
~*~~*~
Almost as soon as Yoochun appears in their newly reconstructed home, Changmin tackles him onto the couch and snuggles against his chest. Yoochun briefly wonders if he should question the abrupt action, but he instead chooses to wrap his arms securely around Changmin's back and savor the moment. Until he feels the tremors running under Min's skin. It's not fear, not quite, but more just pent-up emotion Changmin obviously hasn't been able to release while awake. "Min? What's going on?"
Changmin takes a few deep, calming breaths and attempts to burrow in even closer. Yoochun strokes his back and starts to give up on getting an answer from him any time soon. Finally, though, Changmin shifts just enough to look up at him while resting his chin on Yoochun's chest. "Am I being selfish, Chun?" he asks, plaintive and lost. "I never thought… But by staying here, by wanting to fight for this, am I just putting myself above the four of you?"
Yoochun's brow furrows as he considers Changmin's questions. "Selfish? I wouldn't put it that way, no," he replies. "If anything, I'd more say that this is your way of protecting us. But what brought all this on, Min? Did one of the others say something like that to you?"
Changmin shakes his head, and the protective anger starting to churn in Yoochun's stomach settles. "No," Changmin answers, "at least not like that. Yunho and I talked earlier. He apologized, explained why he acted the way he did. It's just… He mentioned that Jae-hyung isn't really dealing well - or at all, really - with our time at the Centre. And it just made me realize, you know? By staying here, I'm just putting you all in danger. Again." He pauses to turn his head away, but his soft sniffles give away the fact that he's crying. "I don't think I could live with myself if any of you got hurt just because I wanted to be stubborn."
Yoochun cups Changmin's face in his hands and raises it to wipe away the tears with his thumbs. Guiding Changmin up a little bit higher, he presses soft kisses to Changmin's forehead and cheeks and lips. When the tears taper off, Yoochun locks eyes with Changmin and assures him, "You're not making us stay, Min. We all know the dangers involved, and we choose to be right here with you. You can't hold yourself responsible for however Jae is or is not coping with what happened to him. That's something he has to figure out for himself, just like you did and are and will continue to do. Got it?"
Changmin half-nods then pauses. "I do, really, but at the same time… What should I do, Chun?" he asks, voice so scared and uncertain. "You always seem to know. Even before we met, before you had the whole story, you warned me to stay away from the Centre. So just tell me what to do now, and I'll do it. Whatever you tell me, I'll do it, because I just don't know anymore."
Yoochun aches with the want to soothe all of Changmin's fears and doubts and insecurities. He strokes his fingers over the sharp features on Changmin's face and tucks locks of soft hair behind Min's ears. "I can't do that, Min. I can't take that choice away from you. You just have to remember that, no matter what you decide, the four of us will be right there with you. Because that's how a family works."
~*~~*~
For the first time in what seems like quite a long while, they're back to the old schedule of just Jaejoong and Changmin at home for the day. And with all of the new information he's recently gotten, Changmin can't help but study his oldest hyung so much more carefully. His empathy, which he'd finally gotten full control of again not so long ago, adds to his observations. The conclusions he can start to draw from that alone startle him.
Of course he'd never actively entertained the idea that Yunho would lie to him about this. Lie to keep it concealed, he probably not only would but has. Changmin's still not sure how he feels about that. But once he'd actually said something about it, Changmin knows Yunho wouldn't lie about or exaggerate it.
But he hadn't wanted to believe. He hadn't wanted to face the fact; he'd been so deeply withdrawn and entrenched within himself that he hadn't even noticed Jaejoong's problems. It had never even occurred to him that Jaejoong had been in the Centre right along with Changmin and thus had issues of his own to work through.
Instead, Changmin had panicked and clung and soaked up every bit of Jaejoong's attention turned his way, only now realizing that that attention was Jaejoong's way of distracting himself. Yoochun can say whatever he wants, because there's only one word Changmin can use to describe that: selfish.
"Min?" Jae's questioning voice snaps him from his musings. Changmin raises his head from where he'd been staring blankly at his World Lit textbook to focus on Jaejoong. "You've seemed a bit spacey today," Jaejoong continues once he knows Changmin is consciously with him. "Is everything okay?"
No, Changmin thinks, not everything is okay. In fact, the list of not-okay things seems to be getting longer by the day. He's sure that's not really what Jae's asking, though, and he doesn't really want to throw that answer at him. Unfortunately, despite the rapid improvement Changmin's powers have been making lately, his control still slips sometimes. Times like this, when his private thoughts suddenly become telepathic communication instead. He cringes as Jaejoong starts to sort out the words then knits his eyebrows together.
"I wasn't supposed to hear that, was I?" Jaejoong only half asks, already knowing the answer. Changmin shakes his head in reply anyway as Jaejoong takes the seat next to him on the couch. "Okay, well," Jaejoong presses on, "whether I was supposed to or not, I did. So why don't you tell me what's going on?"
He only phrases it as a question to give the illusion of choice; Changmin knows he won't be able to escape this conversation now without providing some answers first. He attempts to figure out exactly how much he wants to reveal. "I've been thinking," Changmin starts slowly, "a lot lately. About the Centre, about my wanting to stay here and face them."
He doesn't miss Jaejoong's small wince at the organization's name but chooses to gloss over that particular issue for now. "I've realized that my decision means all of you staying and being put in danger as well. Chun's tried to tell me that all of you are freely choosing to stay, but I'm not stupid, hyung. I know none of you would actually decide to leave when I'm so set on staying."
Changmin pauses, contemplating the path his thoughts are taking. He almost forgets Jaejoong is there as he follows where they're leading him. Voicing them softly, he's only half-aware now of Jaejoong listening to him. "Even if I outright told you guys to leave, I know you never would…"
The words combined with the distant look in Changmin's eyes unsettle Jaejoong. He's missed something, he knows he has, but he can't quite get the pieces to fit together to figure out what that something might be. He doesn't like it, though. Whatever is going on in Min's head, Jaejoong is absolutely certain that it means nothing good for their little family.
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