Non-dream Entry 5: Confusion
People keep telling me that I'm selfish, but I think to myself, what else am I supposed to do when being selfish is the only way to get people to listen to me? I love my friends, I really do, but honestly they keep contradicting themselves. When I was in a whole lot of pain and in a state of depression, I was ready to commit suicide and they all said to me things like, oh you're just being selfish and why didn't you tell me about these problems? I'm trying to tell you these things now but noone is listening. It's not like I can just butt into a conversation with 'oh I was having a really bad panic attack last night then started questioning my academic abilities and my right to be at uni...' in the middle of a conversation about how much so and so likes so and so. Or how great everything is now that so and so got paid. I find it really difficult to bring this kind of thing up, especially over an msn conversation, and then it's difficult to talk about it in real life without bursting into tears every 2 minutes. So I'm really sorry if I've been ignorant lately, I've been having to hold a lot of things in for the right time to let them go. I've realised that that's the wrong thing to do because the 'right' time will probably never coming. So I'm letting everyone know at once right now through this.
I've lost all my mental strength and I really need some time out before I break down. I'd like to take this time now but I can't because I still have exams to take which only adds aggrevates me even more as I worry about how the situations in the my personal life are going to affect my exam performance. I've spoken to my personal tutor about it but the only response I got was 'Just do the best you can'. Oh thanks, like I wasn't going to anyway. I'm also recieving a whole lot of mixed opinions about the decision I made concerning my flatmates which is making re-think my decision over and over and everytime I reach the same conclusion. I must be really dumb because I can't seem to figure out the other side of the argument even when people tell me what the problem is. It all boils down to the fact that I have different standards and definitions to things and I think it's a shame to lose friendships over standards and definitions. Everytime people suggest 'talking it through' I get the image of three crows feasting away on an innocent person, I may be biased, but as I said, I can't figure out the alternate argument that places me as culprit. So I don't know what else there is to do about the situation. I've been trying to forget everything and leave but it's just so damn hard.. like breaking up with three long term boyfriends all at the same time, it's really not something I can deal with right now in the middle of exams. I'm hoping the summer will distract me and help me clear out my head but no matter how much cleaning I do there's still that empty main wall that's waiting to be filled.
Then there's all of the trust issues I'm having, like I didn't have them in the first place. For fucks sake how did something that's supposed to help me in the long term manage to destroy me socially and mentally?! I'm trying really fucking hard not to take the escapist route..but from my currest perspective all the other roads are blocked. Please don't talk to me about psychologists/psychiatrists, I've seem many and they've just been a complete waste of time telling me things I already know and making me bring up the shitty parts of my past in order to explain the present. I don't need an explaination I know things have fucked up, I just want to move on. To quote Bjork: how am I going to make it right?
Urgh.. I just needed to get this off my chest so that I can focus on revision for my exam on Thursday. Thanks for taking the time to read.
I've lost all my mental strength and I really need some time out before I break down. I'd like to take this time now but I can't because I still have exams to take which only adds aggrevates me even more as I worry about how the situations in the my personal life are going to affect my exam performance. I've spoken to my personal tutor about it but the only response I got was 'Just do the best you can'. Oh thanks, like I wasn't going to anyway. I'm also recieving a whole lot of mixed opinions about the decision I made concerning my flatmates which is making re-think my decision over and over and everytime I reach the same conclusion. I must be really dumb because I can't seem to figure out the other side of the argument even when people tell me what the problem is. It all boils down to the fact that I have different standards and definitions to things and I think it's a shame to lose friendships over standards and definitions. Everytime people suggest 'talking it through' I get the image of three crows feasting away on an innocent person, I may be biased, but as I said, I can't figure out the alternate argument that places me as culprit. So I don't know what else there is to do about the situation. I've been trying to forget everything and leave but it's just so damn hard.. like breaking up with three long term boyfriends all at the same time, it's really not something I can deal with right now in the middle of exams. I'm hoping the summer will distract me and help me clear out my head but no matter how much cleaning I do there's still that empty main wall that's waiting to be filled.
Then there's all of the trust issues I'm having, like I didn't have them in the first place. For fucks sake how did something that's supposed to help me in the long term manage to destroy me socially and mentally?! I'm trying really fucking hard not to take the escapist route..but from my currest perspective all the other roads are blocked. Please don't talk to me about psychologists/psychiatrists, I've seem many and they've just been a complete waste of time telling me things I already know and making me bring up the shitty parts of my past in order to explain the present. I don't need an explaination I know things have fucked up, I just want to move on. To quote Bjork: how am I going to make it right?
Urgh.. I just needed to get this off my chest so that I can focus on revision for my exam on Thursday. Thanks for taking the time to read.